PROJECTS :: TWITTER POSTS


Last night's dream, cont.: In a subplot, I think I somehow got involved in a murder and had to carefully wipe down a gun for fingerprints. 2:34 p.m., November 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Seeing how they abused my hospitality, I wandered the party in a funk, trying to find friends who could cheer me. 2:29 p.m., November 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: So when a couple of these peons came up to me to reveal the cigarettes they'd scored, I grew angry and depressed. 2:27 p.m., November 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I was a Busch-family heiress, you see, with cavelike back rooms full of rare beers, a massive cigarette stash... 2:25 p.m., November 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The rest I'd hoped would behave graciously, but alas, it wasn't to be. People began stealing beer and cigarettes. 2:22 p.m., November 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I circulated among the crowd, keeping a low profile, trying to find the people I actually cared about. The rest? 2:20 p.m., November 03, 2012

Last night's dream: I threw a giant party in a mansion attached to a mall that was meant to make up for my totally lame high-school reunion. 2:17 p.m., November 03, 2012

Per @studlife, Mayan queen Lady K'abel's tomb was opened by a Wash. U. professor. So that's how it begins. #apocalypse http://t.co/A8vuivl2 10:55 p.m., November 02, 2012

@DuncanIdunno I misread that as "How do you say 'not now, wait until I roll a joint' in catfish." 9:52 p.m., November 02, 2012

A Friday mystery: Not only did the Missouri Lottery truck drive behind Target (which doesn't sell lotto tickets), it also had Alaska plates. 9:42 p.m., November 02, 2012

The drilling taking place on another floor sounds like someone practicing the same trombone riff, over and over again. Get it right already! 2:33 p.m., November 02, 2012

Spotted on Kingsland Avenue on the way home: a guy carrying giant red and blue Tetris shapes with holes for arms and legs. I love Halloween. 10:30 p.m., October 31, 2012

Misread: "Bodies + Free Shipping"—for all your dead body needs. 1:31 p.m., October 31, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The dressing room had like six doors, and @k1mothy kept popping in and out of them to torment me while I changed. 1:01 p.m., October 30, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I'd been up a few points, but when I asked the Iranian dudes who won they said they did, 17-14. I went to change. 1:00 p.m., October 30, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I started bleeding, but I still played some serves before passing the paddle and stepping aside to figure it out. 12:58 p.m., October 30, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Obama started off the game, then passed the paddle to me. I was only supposed to take one turn, but I kept going. 12:54 p.m., October 30, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: In a darkened self-check area of a grocery store, President Barack Obama was playing ping-pong against Iranians. 12:22 p.m., October 30, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Amid ARIS's earnest community meeting was a foamy tub. I wanted to take a shower, but it would be too noisy... 12:38 p.m., October 29, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I also saw sky-blue stickies for a group called ARIS, pronounced "Aries." Later, I ended up at an ARIS meeting. 12:33 p.m., October 29, 2012

Last night's dream: @k1mothy and I went to @keaggy's garage sale, where I found this great wallet he'd made by slicing a Moleskine in half. 12:30 p.m., October 29, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Earlier on, during a battle with zombies, I'd found rotting Confederate money on the ground, but I left it there. 3:07 a.m., October 29, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Whoever he was, we compared notes on being editor/cartoonist/musicians, and I offered to buy a stack of his CDs. 3:06 a.m., October 29, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I went to get my backpack from Panda Express and my witch apprentices—Melissa from high school and Damien Jurado. 3:05 a.m., October 29, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I told my high-school rival the Biebs was funny. Overhearing me, he turned around: "You really think I'm funny?" 3:02 a.m., October 29, 2012

Last night's dream: At a conference, I started talking to this kid—it was Justin Bieber. He expressed sympathy and disbelief re: my wages. 2:59 a.m., October 29, 2012

@darth__mouth I actually misread that at first as "A thing that I do some weekend mornings is cook hundreds of people FOR breakfast." 2:21 p.m., October 27, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: A marching band warmed up in the alley behind our apartment. Of course there was a trench-coated trombone player. 2:16 p.m., October 27, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: In the parking lot, Leon Black pumped up the volume on his new blue, aqua, and white RV. I took a look inside. 2:13 p.m., October 27, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: "What's this?" John said, putting some mashed berries in his mouth. I yelled at him to spit them out immediately. 2:08 p.m., October 27, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Old high-school friends sat nearby and tried to remember their first home phone prefix—not even the whole number! 2:04 p.m., October 27, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: At some point, perhaps in the auditorium of the classroom building by the pond, I mashed poisonous pokeberries. 2:01 p.m., October 27, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The whole museum rumbled above us, then fell silent and still once again. We levitated up to exit through a pond. 1:59 p.m., October 27, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We made an unbroken line around the vault. With some chanting and some strong-arming, the tablets were realigned. 1:57 p.m., October 27, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The tablets in both yellow and orange ectoplasm were badly in need of realignment. We gathered a group to do it. 1:54 p.m., October 27, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The tablet shifted beneath him, and as it went off-kilter, the whole building rumbled. We became more cautious. 1:32 p.m., October 27, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We entered at the base of a statue; Scanlon went first and dropped right onto a tablet in clear yellow ectoplasm. 1:29 p.m., October 27, 2012

Last night's dream: As Det. Lee Scanlon and I found, a vault beneath the Saint Louis Art Museum holds stone tablets floating on ectoplasm. 1:24 p.m., October 27, 2012

I lost you guys at #TEDxToronto! #tears Who's going to the afterlife party? 12:07 a.m., October 27, 2012

"Don't think about how it sounds, think about how it feels." I feel traumatized by what I've seen. The horrors of #TEDxToronto will persist. 9:34 p.m., October 26, 2012

I'm lost in the bike orchard at #TEDxToronto; smoke from what's left of the #BikeFurnace is making it tough to find my way. What a disaster. 8:35 p.m., October 26, 2012

@timescanner limeomare is the bestest pony. 8:25 p.m., October 26, 2012

"DONT LOOK DIRECTLY @ HIS EYES THEY R TINY MOUTHS W/TEETH"—oh God, the Corinthian's on the loose at #TEDxToronto. Someone call @neilhimself! 8:22 p.m., October 26, 2012

"Be your words, not your feelings." But our words AND feelings are what bring the #BikeGolem to life. How do you separate them? #TEDxToronto 8:17 p.m., October 26, 2012

"Even with the #BikeFurnace shut down, the only place worth living is #TwinPeaks." —Laura Palmer #TEDxToronto 8:03 p.m., October 26, 2012

"I see Laura's name and bio on the #TEDxToronto livestream but don't see her on the video..." THAT'S BECAUSE LAURA PALMER IS DEAD YOU GHOUL! 7:59 p.m., October 26, 2012

"Don't allow people to live rent-free in your head." Yeah, that's good advice, but it's too late for Leland Palmer. #TEDxToronto #TwinPeaks 7:55 p.m., October 26, 2012

Now Leland Palmer is having a bike seizure near the #BikeFurnace at #TEDxToronto in #TwinPeaks—he's struggling for control of his very soul! 7:52 p.m., October 26, 2012

The volume is way too low on the #TEDxToronto #TwinPeaks hashtag, but Leland Palmer is ripping up young ladies anyway. 7:47 p.m., October 26, 2012

@happletea It woulda been creepier if the alien was making cat sounds to lure them. I kept thinking the cat would have a chest-burster, too. 3:38 p.m., October 26, 2012

So I got a new error for my personal Google Short Links: "Error 502 (Server Error)!!1" As we know, someone at Google has a sense of humor!!1 3:31 p.m., October 26, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I woke up this morning with David Bowie's "Life on Mars?" in my head. I miss you! http://t.co/NBxVFRqB 3:18 p.m., October 26, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I doubt you'd like it—doubly so because the service is so bad. They give you the wrong menu, then the wrong food. 3:16 p.m., October 26, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I hope you'll forgive me. You would hate the "breakfast pizza": You get crust wedges and bowls of sweet toppings. 2:57 p.m., October 26, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I'm going to be stuck out here for a few months or years. I can only hope it's the former. They can't turn back. 2:47 p.m., October 26, 2012

Last night's dream: I'm so sorry, sweetheart, that I missed the door to the pool in the airport and got on this interplanetary school bus. 2:45 p.m., October 26, 2012

Driving home, we saw two girls step away from their strollers to run back and forth across the on-ramp to Interstate 170 near the Galleria. 1:33 a.m., October 25, 2012

For some reason, Beetlejuice has been in my head; I just misread "Baetje Farms" as "Beetlejuice Farms." 5:47 p.m., October 25, 2012

Last night's dream: I slept until 10 a.m., then got called on a secret mission, so I didn't end up making it in to work today. Deal with it. 1:10 p.m., October 25, 2012

This has to be on the copy editor's life bingo card or something—in a single issue, we're using both meanings of the phrase "long johns." 7:50 p.m., October 24, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: After wrangling over clothing and bathrooms, we got outside, only to find the crooked counselor censuring a boy. 3:08 p.m., October 22, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I slid on a triple strand of glassy pearls, then looked at her size-LL blue tights the size of a flaccid balloon. 3:06 p.m., October 22, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: It was time to come out to the camp's pageant and games. I put on our friend's shirtdress in butterscotch plaid. 3:02 p.m., October 22, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: He left, and I knew it was a race against time to find our suitemate and save ourselves. Then it was just a race. 2:59 p.m., October 22, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: He bragged of his exploits—or maybe, à la Medium, I read them in his soul—and I knew I could be his next victim. 2:56 p.m., October 22, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: When I was alone in her room, I found out why. A man emerged from a side door and grabbed me, threatening me too. 2:54 p.m., October 22, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Going through her rooms, we got a sense she'd been getting intel on the camp for a while. But we didn't know why. 2:48 p.m., October 22, 2012

Last night's dream: The summer retreat @k1mothy and I went to had a dark side. We started to unravel it all when our suitemate went missing. 2:25 p.m., October 22, 2012

"What the hell is she wearing? Is that a city on her head?" The singer forgets the words to "God Bless America." "What the fuck?" #nlcs #stl 2:02 a.m., October 22, 2012

I hate how broadcasters try to "shape the narrative" of ballgames by zooming in on the pitcher's head. It feels like the Two Minutes Hate. 1:05 a.m., October 22, 2012

These Safe for Work Silly Socks are so far outside the realm of things that have relevance in my life, I feel nauseous. http://t.co/lM4zkBQq 2:18 a.m., October 21, 2012

@vaginaghost Yeah, from my earliest memory—and the guppies always had occasional fish kills. And one time I had to rescue koi from our pond. 6:59 p.m., October 21, 2012

@vaginaghost I have recurring dreams like that about fish—so many, whole wall tanks full—that I'd neglected. I had to stop playing Tap Fish. 6:39 p.m., October 21, 2012

Inasmuch as my own posting has slowed, I'm pleased to report that @catsonmacs' nearly half-dozen imitators all ceased publishing this year. 5:47 p.m., October 21, 2012

RT @catsonmacs: We've posted new cats! Say hello to ASH, Rufus, King (@RicstylR), Tom (@vanessametonini), Klaus, and Little Man Mason! h ... 5:06 p.m., October 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke with Eurythmics' "Here Comes the Rain Again" in my head. http://t.co/WWgVYjsi 3:33 p.m., October 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The costume—even the stilettos—went fine. It was the stacking challenge that got me; my husband was much better. 3:16 p.m., October 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I was my pale-but-live self, with blue hair and shoes and a poppy-red dress—unlike Beetlejuice's Miss Argentina. 3:13 p.m., October 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My husband was back at his old job, which was also having a training pageant. I went as reverse Miss Argentina. 3:09 p.m., October 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Then Allison gets a new white-and-purple bike that has her lover/doctor's info on the side. Can she turn it off? 3:06 p.m., October 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: She's admitted by the gynecologist, thus listed under his name, and Joe gets mad at the guy's handwriting font. 3:03 p.m., October 21, 2012

Last night's dream: In this episode of Medium, Allison cheats on Joe with her gynecologist. It all comes to a head when she's hospitalized. 2:58 p.m., October 21, 2012

"A Billiken is you!" Is SLU really playing off of the "a winner is you" meme in its commercials? Is that what that is? 8:57 p.m., October 20, 2012

Misread: "I need a cheap tattoo that runs Windows 7." That would be "laptop," at least in this decade. 3:11 p.m., October 20, 2012

Don't ever sign up for free advice from Fisher Investments. The free thing you'll get is the inability to ever get off of its mailing list. 2:23 p.m., October 20, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I hadn't had time to do work while I was out being kidnapped, and I forgot to bring in the work I'd brought home. 2:08 p.m., October 20, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Not only did we have to drive back from Columbia in separate cars in the dark—fun—I had to work when we returned. 1:58 p.m., October 20, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We stumbled into a house where my fathers-in-law were. After a haphazard comedy of errors showering, we were off. 1:56 p.m., October 20, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: A lot of good it did us knowing that when we were captured, too. We got roughed up, then released into the wilds. 1:54 p.m., October 20, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: But of course, best-laid plans and all—we ran into the heiress owner's kidnapper instead. It was her boyfriend. 1:52 p.m., October 20, 2012

Last night's dream: @k1mothy and I were going to play Frisbee with @Halifax_Samuels and the boys...and do reconnaissance on a mystery house. 1:50 p.m., October 20, 2012

Data and Worf beam over to a derelict Earth satellite. "Minimal oxygen atmosphere..." says Data. How is Worf even still breathing? #startrek 7:14 p.m., October 19, 2012

Whether you're talking to ghosts here or in real life, the same rules apply: Be understanding. And if someone asks if you're a god, you say? 3:09 p.m., October 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: He sat with his swim team and gazed up at me. "Oh yeah? Well, I'm gonna go sock-sliding!" I said, and skated off. 12:54 p.m., October 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: He shrugged, smiled mysteriously, and turned on his toes. I followed; the hallway was full of swimmers in sweats. 12:49 p.m., October 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Mm. Then I remembered myself, and shrugged him off...only to see that he was a Skywalker-haired guy named Shane. 12:45 p.m., October 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: "Having a party on the job?" I asked. He just walked over and folded me in his arms, resting his chin on my head. 12:42 p.m., October 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Sharp-eyed, I noticed the pitcher of margaritas, dish of nachos, and other ephemera beneath the security monitor. 12:38 p.m., October 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: As I looked around the room, whose built-ins went a couple feet higher than I could reach, a cute guy walked in. 12:33 p.m., October 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Amid tiny leather-bound books (thanks @robinsloan!) were artisan leather-bound...stereos. They were works of art. 12:23 p.m., October 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I guess we ended up at an after-hours college-kid swim-team party. I walked into the dusky books-and-hi-fi shop. 12:19 p.m., October 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We parked farther up on the lot's slope, then walked into the nearby gym, which was a bit like Hogwarts inside. 12:15 p.m., October 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Parkway kids in cars clustered under the carpark, like teens without a diner in American Graffiti. It was cute. 12:10 p.m., October 19, 2012

Last night's dream: @yeahlikethat and I drove out to Creve Coeur Lake to see the stars. It was now a primordial grouping of bubbling ponds. 12:06 p.m., October 19, 2012

@Binary_Owl You can put a LEGO skeleton inside a LEGO ghost, so yes. 8:33 p.m., October 18, 2012

I gave @CharlesSchwab feedback and forgot about it. Today I got an email from a real person sending my note to the Product Development Team! 7:50 p.m., October 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: As we hid out among "wind-blown" bags in the bushes, I understood what was up: My brother was robbing the past. 5:04 p.m., October 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I found an all-steel knife stuck under the bushes, and black nunchucks, two pairs. My brother appeared with bags. 5:02 p.m., October 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I was across the road from a farmhouse on the outskirts of town. I stole up behind a row of bushes and breathed. 4:57 p.m., October 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My brother got there first; when I arrived, it was dusk, and I had to climb vines out of a ravine. Then I saw it. 4:54 p.m., October 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We went down the street to the comics-and-curios store. I'm not sure how it happened, but we went back in time. 4:53 p.m., October 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: In the pool area, we left our parents behind for a while when they got stuck on the opposite end of a wave cycle. 4:51 p.m., October 18, 2012

Last night's dream: My brother and I were staying in this rickety, lilac blue–painted renovated mansion/apartment building with our parents. 4:50 p.m., October 18, 2012

Gravity...is heart-shaped in Swype. 12:23 a.m., October 18, 2012

I didn't even know they assigned numbers to severe thunderstorm watches, but apparently today's is the devil's own. #stl 10:44 p.m., October 17, 2012

Dear people upstairs: Stop stomping back and forth across the length of the apartment. Just sit down and watch the damn game—seriously! #stl 9:35 p.m., October 17, 2012

"You hit your favorite limit for the day." Oh wow, sekrit MetaFilter achievement unlocked! I'm officially an outlier. http://t.co/CgpWDRTc 3:30 p.m., October 17, 2012

Last night's dream: At a party, I played with sparkle-forms, consisting of glitter under plastic that jiggled pleasingly when manipulated. 1:26 p.m., October 16, 2012

The new SSID on the block, with full bars: "FBI Surveillance Van." Uh, welcome to the neighborhood? 12:15 a.m., October 16, 2012

Now I know the truth: There are actually three lawn chairs lying alongside Interstate 170, not just the one I saw last night in the dark. 12:06 a.m., October 16, 2012

Misheard: "It's like boneless bacon." (c/o @k1mothy) 2:10 a.m., October 13, 2012

@sambosambo I bet you can get Coruscant rolls at the Mos Eisley Cantina. Mmm, bar food. 5:17 p.m., October 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The striped-sweatered leader, she gave me an ultimatum: Join my magic to their cause or be turned over to police. 5:01 p.m., October 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Soon searchers ordered me out of the Dumpster. Huh. The leader carried a clipboard—these weren't police officers. 4:57 p.m., October 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My bandmates and I ran, putting distance between us and the fire, as sirens wound up. I jumped into a Dumpster. 4:55 p.m., October 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I changed out of my hellpit clothes in its anteroom; I left the hellfires burning. The building soon caught fire. 4:52 p.m., October 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I went to the museum next door, where my husband was waiting. He complained: I stunk of hellpit. I apologized. 4:46 p.m., October 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Then the spirit of...was it Elaine Belloc? ...rose from the pit. Whoa. I decided to get out of there for a while. 4:43 p.m., October 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I noticed the strange red fruit growing on moving vines, snaking up the crack between the floor and wall. 4:41 p.m., October 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I played a series of barre chords midneck, then rediscovered some low open and single-finger chords. Good times. 4:39 p.m., October 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I only learned of the angel later, when it all started to go wrong. I'd been practicing guitar beside the pit. 4:27 p.m., October 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We fed the pit, which was sort of like an open, belching kiln, things like drain cleaner and, apparently, angels. 4:26 p.m., October 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: But the hellpit was our greatest creation. When we experimented, we kept the 10- by 10-foot square pit ungrated. 4:24 p.m., October 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The sneakers that were actually alive, like a tame, puffy gray alligator, were another feat of sympathetic magic. 4:21 p.m., October 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My band and I were working on art projects—like a snip of ivory that vibrated sympathetically with a blue beetle. 4:20 p.m., October 13, 2012

Last night's dream: I spent time with my nephew at the sandbox, collecting all the multicolored french fries kids had buried in the sand. 4:17 p.m., October 13, 2012

Untrained, Swype seems to think Florissant = Coruscant. 11:43 p.m., October 12, 2012

I haven't found this afternoon's weather to be particularly notable, but apparently @wunderground begs to differ. ! http://t.co/nrUSC3I2 6:19 p.m., October 12, 2012

A bad trend: Leaving off time stamps. Yes, it makes that slideshow timeless, but it also makes the information useless. http://t.co/EDfdQkR2 7:01 p.m., October 11, 2012

Dear @stltoday: I'm visiting those pages on your site because I need to read them. Why the "417 Rate limit exceeded for engine pages" error? 6:36 p.m., October 11, 2012

The award for most dystopic pitch I've gotten all week goes to this subject line: "Intermix Enhances eCommerce Experience with Shopatron." 2:42 p.m., October 11, 2012

Apparently I'm not the only one who's noticed the "Yogurt Flavor Natural Yogurt Flavored Coating." http://t.co/Fw1VU4cI http://t.co/FAagoCco 2:37 p.m., October 11, 2012

"Yogurt Flavor Natural Yogurt Flavored Coating"—is there some shade of meaning I'm missing between the two iterations? http://t.co/7NIfpkuw 2:36 p.m., October 11, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: A guy who didn't actually show at my real wedding came to this one and made me box my comics and trading cards. 2:05 p.m., October 11, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Nausea of existence! I felt disgusted yet obligated when another load of orange chicken plopped onto the Buddha. 2:01 p.m., October 11, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We sat down at a U of cheap plastic tables. At my end was an ever-replenishing Buddha piled with orange chicken. 1:57 p.m., October 11, 2012

Last night's dream: We were getting married again, so my mom sewed me a diaphanous white fairy dress—and of course I tripped into a ditch. 1:52 p.m., October 11, 2012

I heard the band "Cajun Gator Baiters" mentioned in KDHX's concert calendar earlier and puzzled over the spelling for a sec: "Gator-bators?" 7:42 p.m., October 10, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The goal was not to get pulled across the pool to join the enemy, and I was doing fine—until my parents came by. 12:46 p.m., October 10, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: After escaping, I played a tug-of-war game in a kiddie pool at the school's Hudson River beach under an overpass. 12:43 p.m., October 10, 2012

Last night's dream: The building of endless stairs had an English department whose offices were only reachable by stepping on tall blocks. 12:40 p.m., October 10, 2012

You sent me a press release about a state rep visiting a K–8 school—why should I care?—in which you mistype the school's URL. Who hired you? 2:44 p.m., October 09, 2012

Heard on KDHX: "And enjoy the music of Prefab Sprout—because I love bands with bad names. Bettie Serveert, Prefab Sprout, that's what I do." 2:14 p.m., October 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I shrugged, hit enter. A little more than a half-dozen NIN vids came up. I clicked one and tried to play along. 12:55 p.m., October 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: At the bottom of the huge projection screen above me, you could see my haphazard Wiimote typing: "9INCH NAILS." 12:53 p.m., October 09, 2012

Last night's dream: I switched to making Nine Inch Nails–style industrial rock. I tried to type with a Wiimote to pull up the band's videos. 12:51 p.m., October 09, 2012

How you know you chose the right pair of jeans: They fit—and there's a dollar in the left pocket. 7:55 p.m., October 08, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: He brewed some bad Paul McCartney coffee, with bad Beatles comics: "This guy's face looks like a silverfish!" 3:23 p.m., October 08, 2012

Last night's dream: As in real life, my husband was back in school, except he'd gone all the way back to elementary school for some reason. 3:19 p.m., October 08, 2012

Ahh! I just watched a Medium episode where an animal-rights activist and her boyfriend were fed to pigs, then saw this: http://t.co/o9UYeXiM 7:05 p.m., October 06, 2012

Whoa, creepy. I was just thinking about what it would be like if today's rain happened to be blood, and now it's raining blood on this show. 10:39 p.m., October 05, 2012

Overheard on the Loop: "I've already had a few beers. Why do ya think that I'm talkin' like an Italian mobster? ... Nyah!" #stl 12:01 a.m., October 05, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Teal shoes were in, but for real runners, the thing was now veiny molded muscle shoes in magenta, teal, and lime. 12:28 p.m., October 04, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I also later on saw a guy executed by his gas mask–wearing "friends" with red, orange, and yellow gas canisters. 12:16 p.m., October 04, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: @k1mothy and I went to the mall, where I practiced my floating jumps four feet off the ground, over big bollards. 12:13 p.m., October 04, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The guy's apartment was at that moment being raided; as we now knew, what the cops were seeking was in his car. 12:11 p.m., October 04, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: As we were driving along the foggy fen road, the car spun and came to rest with a soft tap against a guy's car. 12:08 p.m., October 04, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: A coworker had been looking at stocks online and told me about an auto-industry fave she wanted to invest in. 12:06 p.m., October 04, 2012

Last night's dream: A new dining reviewer from Britain got detained by immigration; he sent in a piece about Krusty's comeback from there. 12:05 p.m., October 04, 2012

As brain-damaged as I may be right now, at least I wasn't the woman turning left from the entirely wrong side of Kingsland Avenue earlier. 3:52 a.m., October 04, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke with Unwritten Law's "Seein' Red" in my head. http://t.co/IjGEDCWf 12:53 p.m., October 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The old house now had skeleton keys, some of which I'd been supposed to return. I kept them in a glass wrist box. 12:44 p.m., October 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I played an odd cross between croquet and golf out on the fen with @jcooperman, my high-school MSA pal, y otros. 12:43 p.m., October 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: So pleased was I, I told @k1mothy about it while walking through Schnucks, then explained it to my husband later. 12:40 p.m., October 01, 2012

Last night's dream: Given a chance to choose my husband over Mr. Macabre all over again...I did. No dice for the box of glass diamond rings. 12:37 p.m., October 01, 2012

The new drunk drivers are pickup artists and date rapists. That was the least women-friendly crowd I've ever experienced at a GBV show. #stl 6:06 a.m., September 30, 2012

My stomach just made the sound of a hard drive loading. 4:13 p.m., September 29, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Soon I would be frozen, invisible, and at the mercy of my former friend. I tried to sparkle to signal for help. 3:53 p.m., September 29, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: On the way back to work with two slices of pizza, I ran into a frienemy who turned my soul from yellow to blue. 3:50 p.m., September 29, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I went to the bathroom, flushed, and...slosh. Gross! I was out of toilet paper. And the kitchen sink was broken. 3:45 p.m., September 29, 2012

Last night's dream: Captain Jean-Luc Picard tried to find the Oreos I wanted at a mega-drugstore. We only found "healthy" tuna-salad ones. 3:29 p.m., September 29, 2012

Typo of the day: "attentive to detai" 4:13 p.m., September 28, 2012

Though then a helicopter flew real low overhead, so maybe it wasn't just my upstairs neighbor practicing keyboard. Maybe I'm secretly on TV! 3:23 a.m., September 28, 2012

I thought I was hearing creepy, ominous music in the background of my life. But no—it's just my upstairs neighbor practicing keyboard again. 3:16 a.m., September 28, 2012

I wonder whether everyone has the same train of thought when they end up behind a Missouri Lotto truck. 11:09 p.m., September 26, 2012

A Yom Kippur typo: One line of a listing has National Council of Jewish Women's Resale Shop. The next line misspells "jewelers" as "jewers." 4:30 p.m., September 26, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My car was in Maciej's shop—I called and spoke glowingly of his work, but the @Pinboard dev was on a house call. 12:33 p.m., September 26, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: He looked older, more weary, and he needed me to get out of his suite before his wife returned. Yeah, no problem. 12:19 p.m., September 26, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My ex looked like a damn investment banker, with a blue sweater over a collared shirt, properly creased pants... 12:14 p.m., September 26, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I went into a suite and fast realized it was a private one, likely secured at some expense. Then an ex walked in. 12:11 p.m., September 26, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I went to look for a bathroom. One was full of yobs; another had a seamless floor where the toilet had been... 12:09 p.m., September 26, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Amid an assembly of singles and not-so-singles looking to hit it off, I was trying and mostly failing to do work. 12:07 p.m., September 26, 2012

Last night's dream: I was on a staff retreat at an academic camp; @k1mothy was there, and a coworker kept hitting on me by pulling me close. 12:05 p.m., September 26, 2012

There are thunderclouds in the sky; as it begins to rain, I look down at the open dictionary page beside me. The header says "thundercloud." 9:27 p.m., September 25, 2012

I dabbed a tissue on my neck and a water droplet made a perfect upside-down heart. 12:46 p.m., September 25, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: And when you were reenacting this creep's life, you had to bring a lawn mower to the basement and mow the floor. 12:14 p.m., September 25, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The battle scene always just kind of looked like olive salad on a great plain—very dark and difficult to follow. 12:12 p.m., September 25, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: That way, you could pick up bacteria out in the world and grow it in your lab, then I guess do battle with it. 12:10 p.m., September 25, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: In the video-game you were an underground creep who always got cell-culture media ready before going aboveground. 12:08 p.m., September 25, 2012

Last night's dream: We watched a movie that was also a video game—we got to the big battle in the middle that everyone always slept through. 12:05 p.m., September 25, 2012

Pretty, uh, edgy design choice for the cover of @Wired's Design Issue. http://t.co/5cSjvoNB 11:09 p.m., September 24, 2012

Look, I get that you're redoing your website—but in the meantime, couldn't your existing one at least include your address and phone number? 4:53 p.m., September 23, 2012

I'm trying to read about the Oklahoma City memorial architect, but his website's compromised and his university profile has a MySQL error. 3:31 p.m., September 23, 2012

Last night's dream: We got barbacoa, tortillas, and salsa that "fell off a train," so to speak, with help from the distributors' daughter. 2:31 p.m., September 23, 2012

Every time I try to design a custom pair of Adidas shoes I realize the point of mass-produced objects is to save one from freedom of choice. 1:56 a.m., September 23, 2012

Dear neighbors across the street: We like your spooky theremin sounds. What's up? 1:51 a.m., September 23, 2012

You: Driving while on the phone. Your passenger: Flicking a lit cigarette onto my car. Me: Cutting you off. No, you don't get to honk at me. 1:18 a.m., September 23, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Or at least, I was about to meet @voltarine for ice cream when I saw my brother on the old lawn and stopped by. 4:53 p.m., September 22, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I was out sick most of the day, but for some reason I'd agreed to come in around 3 p.m. I got ice cream instead. 4:50 p.m., September 22, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: These clients were dangerous; she knew too much about them and the power they represented. She needed to leave. 4:43 p.m., September 22, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: A photographer's main gig was portraying couples having sex. She knew the duo she was about to shoot was illicit. 4:41 p.m., September 22, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We (not sure who "we" was) went on a long trudge through New York City, as a river flooded the streets behind us. 4:39 p.m., September 22, 2012

Last night's dream: My father's house, we found, had a whole set of hidden, unfinished rooms covered in aqua paint. I set out to redo them. 4:36 p.m., September 22, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I soon discovered that I could barely walk—and that despite appearances, I weighed 428 pounds. I applied for aid. 12:26 p.m., September 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Each student got two pages of my piece—ostensibly "written" before they got amnesia—to rework in their own voice. 12:24 p.m., September 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I had folders waiting at my desk, and a piece of mine had been used as the basis for a friend's class assignment. 12:16 p.m., September 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I'd been able to signal with crackles of my old phone's transmitter. The officer gave us keychain transmitters. 12:13 p.m., September 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I was rescued by police—I wasn't the only one stranded out there, so they briefly turned off the flow of traffic. 12:10 p.m., September 21, 2012

Last night's dream: On a dark, stormy night, I got stuck on a highway's inner median, no way out in sight, with only a broken old cellphone. 12:06 p.m., September 21, 2012

I definitely misread this as "Biodiversity." Does Budweiser care about biodiversity? Now that, I'm not sure about. http://t.co/ciB3tOTR 6:50 p.m., September 20, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I wasn't as good at manipulating matter as my community liaison's son was, but I didn't need a computer to do it. 12:25 p.m., September 20, 2012

Last night's dream: I went to a salvage yard to get stuff for a house-bunker project, and instead, I ended up becoming a giant atomic girl. 12:17 p.m., September 20, 2012

Now live: The 25 Magic Words of American Television Name Generator, based on the original list by @nprmonkeysee. http://t.co/6mrTyIcA 1:53 a.m., September 20, 2012

I just got my first Valentine's Day PR solicitation—in September. Um..."FIRST!"? 2:22 p.m., September 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: But we couldn't stay hidden once schoolgirls on the path above noticed us. Soon my coworkers were down there—agh. 12:24 p.m., September 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The water here was powerful; when it came crashing down on you as the grotto filled, it only felt cold for a sec. 12:21 p.m., September 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Forcibly removed from the stream of things on land, we had two goals: to breathe better underwater and to heal. 12:18 p.m., September 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Brian Krause—or perhaps his alter ego, angel Leo Wyatt—was the cop in charge of the grotto's safety and security. 12:16 p.m., September 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Some other women, including a Russian with a fretless guitar, were also underwater for some enforced relaxation. 12:11 p.m., September 19, 2012

Last night's dream: I went into hiding over the weekend in an underwater grotto, at the behest of the district attorney. It was quite nice. 12:06 p.m., September 19, 2012

The guy in the car next to me at Forest Park Parkway and Big Bend Boulevard was smoking a fat cigar. I caught the scent first. Ah fall. #stl 10:34 p.m., September 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: He laughed. The sun was coming up. I awoke with Parliament's "Unfunky UFO" in my head. (And we're out of time...) 12:43 p.m., September 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Then it was time to go; my husband caught up as I was telling off some woman who thought my scooter was coin-op. 12:38 p.m., September 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I stopped midsentence: "This is why we couldn't be friends, isn't it? I was always judging someone—I get it now." 12:34 p.m., September 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Earlier, Nature Boy and I had a moment, laughing; then I went into a judgment of someone and his smile flickered. 12:32 p.m., September 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I finally got the car, YouTube display on the dash and all, down the driveway, where my friends were all waiting. 12:27 p.m., September 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: This was big—and planned. The leaders had headset mics and everything. I went to back the car out and got hit on. 12:16 p.m., September 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: But beyond superficial friendless, she wasn't willing to cede this to anyone, much less let me announce anything. 12:14 p.m., September 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I tried to talk to one leader as the only property owner present, put my hand on her shoulder, laughed with her. 12:12 p.m., September 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Soon the entire area was swarming with people, and announcers in flowing robes were beginning opening ceremonies. 12:11 p.m., September 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I saw people in bright motorcycle jackets streaming across the old back yard, peering over the back fence. 12:09 p.m., September 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The back door was so hard to lock, I broke my keychain and bent my key. But the car started up fine in the cold. 12:08 p.m., September 18, 2012

Last night's dream: I went to leave the old house to make a 1 a.m. visit with old friends (Nature Boy, Lukage, @Halifax_Samuels, @k1mothy). 12:05 p.m., September 18, 2012

There are #stopmonsanto protesters in front of the Brentwood Whole Foods including a scarecrow, a corncob, and possibly cows. #ows #s17 #stl 7:00 p.m., September 17, 2012

This morning the office printer decided it would rather make carefully folded paper fans than actually print things. Me too, printer—me too. 2:11 p.m., September 17, 2012

"That guy's going crazy with the whistle down there." —Rams announcer re: one of these scab dudes 10:11 p.m., September 16, 2012

"Worried about getting your work done? Well, worry no more. Our Work All the Time TM method ensures it gets done...because you're doing it!" 4:59 p.m., September 15, 2012

@anniezaleski Can Firefox come too? 4:40 p.m., September 15, 2012

There is literally no one but me and @k1mothy in Yahoo! Graffiti right now. There were three people in Water Colors, but they quickly left. 2:42 a.m., September 15, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Every salad leaf pulled off the bushes tasted like dolmades. I nibbled one right there, then followed my husband. 12:14 p.m., September 14, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I discovered giant marinated lettuce bushes and sage bushes; salad was simply a matter of picking a few leaves. 12:11 p.m., September 14, 2012

Last night's dream: An old crush let me ride his tractor and went down the waterslide with me. It was fun—but I immediately felt remorseful. 12:09 p.m., September 14, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Apparently I 'd been supposed to get in touch with him the last time I was there, but didn't—so he sought me out. 12:21 p.m., September 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Oh, and before we left the all-day meetup for a while, a guy came up to me and gave me a lime tennis-racket case. 12:19 p.m., September 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: On the way to record, I crawled through the brambles of old vinyl in a store's front window to avoid the crowds. 12:18 p.m., September 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The meetup was during a festival. In a conference room we went around the table, saying what we liked about MeFi. 12:15 p.m., September 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: A screw on one of my cases came loose—and I realized I'd gotten my phone stolen. @k1mothy had phone trouble, too. 12:11 p.m., September 13, 2012

Last night's dream: @k1mothy and I made a dual-purpose visit to Columbia, to record and go to a MetaFilter meetup. We had a few adventures. 12:07 p.m., September 13, 2012

"555—psh, that's totally not a real time." "Um...it's 5:55 p.m.? What planet are you from?" 10:57 p.m., September 12, 2012

Excerpt from Chinese study results (via @jcooperman): "It can increase sensibitity of insulin and elevate anti-oxidative capacity." Titter! 8:13 p.m., September 12, 2012

Typo of the day: "Also, check out tits website; it’s terrific." Oh, I bet tit is. http://t.co/39nbgG5U 3:51 p.m., September 12, 2012

MeFi 1337: http://t.co/xXvvOgbM http://t.co/E1gZ8KLz #metafilter 11:08 p.m., September 11, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: It was that or rot away my life in that soporific cabin. I chose to be awake and challenge their arbitrary rules. 12:17 p.m., September 11, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: One evening, disturbed by my roommates' whining, I ventured onto the bounce surface and found kindred spirits. 12:11 p.m., September 11, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: There was a giant bounce surface over the lake/pool outside, but we weren't allowed to bounce—it wasn't decorous. 12:08 p.m., September 11, 2012

Last night's dream: I was staying in a cabin with the other powerless (yet spoiled) kiddies, a rotting tangle of electric cords by my head. 12:06 p.m., September 11, 2012

Sorry, I know how this works now. Whenever I hear a high-school student talk about "triple-majoring" in college, I just can't help smirking. 6:52 p.m., September 10, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Now that I've gotten a good look at the new My Little Ponies, my subconscious goes to the store "just to look." 12:07 p.m., September 10, 2012

Last night's dream: I couldn't sleep, so I went to work early, then napped at lunch, dreaming of a guy cheating my husband or the company. 12:04 p.m., September 10, 2012

Things at the art fair I refuse to buy on principle: 1. A ceramic head with an unreduced fraction (2/10). 2. A work with "I'M" spelled "IM." 11:38 p.m., September 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: She would birth the next generation of half-invisible marauders from the woods, thus keeping local life in check. 2:59 p.m., September 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: When we'd ceased tussling in the grass, one girl had transformed into a long caterpillar girl with a robot voice. 2:54 p.m., September 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: He was invisible to some, and those who could see him and try to stop him became part of an insect mating ritual. 2:52 p.m., September 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I was living in a dorm on some sort of campus, IMing with @k1mothy, when the insect boy from the woods attacked. 2:49 p.m., September 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I guess they loved me at work for that—"always on" is always in with most management—but it didn't make me happy. 2:47 p.m., September 09, 2012

Last night's dream: I had a Klout score of 97, but I had to talk to PR people all the time and radically change how I use Twitter to get it. 2:43 p.m., September 09, 2012

Highlights of @Schlafly Art Outside, Pt. 4: Getting to hear @boandtheloco live just as I'm about to send out mixes including "Golden Rules." 4:17 a.m., September 09, 2012

The @rstevens shirt that drew a knee-height little girl to hit me with her magenta backpack (per http://t.co/5Ew7XJUY): http://t.co/syUNcHk5 3:40 a.m., September 09, 2012

Highlights of @Schlafly Art Outside, Pt. 3: Obtaining art involving cat heads (@catworks) and fish scales (@Mudtweets). http://t.co/i2saDM4Z 3:32 a.m., September 09, 2012

Highlights of @Schlafly Art Outside, Pt. 2: Two people asked about—and a tiny girl hit me with a magenta backpack 'cause she liked—my shirt. 3:16 a.m., September 09, 2012

Highlights of @Schlafly Art Outside, Pt. 1: Spotting @keaggy and @dianekeaggy just seconds before this photo was taken: http://t.co/MOO71PAC 3:12 a.m., September 09, 2012

How was "Yawn" not listed on Wikipedia's "List of reflexes" entry? Even my Google Short Link to it seems to wonder why: http://t.co/gtDu62K8 10:39 p.m., September 08, 2012

Woman in front of the gas station at Delmar and Skinker boulevards: "Hey grown man, you wanna buy some food stamps?" 6:13 p.m., September 07, 2012

Have no fear, illiterate, unwashed masses—even if you can't spell, you can still enjoy geocaching! Go to http://t.co/MAI3a8rL to learn more. 1:18 a.m., September 07, 2012

@rstevens As they say on MetaFilter, this is good. 3:46 p.m., September 06, 2012

Among the guitars on Craigslist: an Avril Lavigne Squier and a left-handed Squier with a built-in speaker. Who admits to buying such things? 3:12 a.m., September 06, 2012

It feels meaningful that Swype spells Charlack as "Carjack," especially given that the former police chief has been indicted for stealing. 3:29 a.m., September 05, 2012

"Patience and wisdom and courage and grace"—guess who that DOESN'T describe. #DNC 3:04 a.m., September 05, 2012

I have never before in my life seen a commercial on actual television for The New York Times. Did it run commercials during the RNC? #DNC 2:35 a.m., September 05, 2012

Misread: "Where can I buy a good pencil sharpener in the Boston area?" I'm so square. The question was actually about KNIFE sharpeners. 2:01 a.m., September 05, 2012

@fmanjoo @Polyanad speculated in July that he'd likely invest the money he's saving from his mortgage refinance. http://t.co/3nglT7lr 11:35 p.m., September 04, 2012

@fmanjoo Hm. He should be investing. But doesn't he live a pretty austere life? $500,000 could keep most people going for at least 10 years. 11:24 p.m., September 04, 2012

@fmanjoo Doesn't he almost certainly have massive investments, at least some of which pay dividends? And I would guess he has major savings. 11:22 p.m., September 04, 2012

@k1mothy More like "z"—and then three blank lines. Heh. I opened up the file to see the "updated text," and well, it was updated, all right. 6:53 p.m., September 04, 2012

"Sooo...all I'm seeing there is a Z. ... Yeah, that entire paragraph just says Z." 3:35 p.m., September 04, 2012

Pro tip from last night's dream: Don't leave the dog's leash looped around a fence by a school and expect her to be there when you get back. 1:35 p.m., September 04, 2012

Misread: "FAKE Awards Call For Entries!" That would be FAME Awards—but it's all the same, isn't it? 1:06 p.m., September 04, 2012

@DiscourseMarker "Inbox me" = "Send me a Facebook message" 3:52 a.m., September 04, 2012

Facebook: People wearing awful leggings, talking about their "besties" and their "hubs," using "to inbox" as a verb ("inbox me"). So gross. 2:52 a.m., September 04, 2012

@k1mothy Clearly it's not working, whatever it is. 9:07 p.m., September 03, 2012

Heh. What exactly would "vanilla fronting" be? "That shit's some vanilla frontin', right there." #typos 9:03 p.m., September 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My aunt and mother came around, wanting to go to a chicken shack. Ugh. I tried to find some sort of compromise. 1:19 p.m., September 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My husband asked if I thought he could fit in the wall panel behind the bed, so as to scare our friends—alas, no. 1:10 p.m., September 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The far end of our suite opened to a buffet during the day, so privacy was an issue—as I learned wearing a towel. 1:07 p.m., September 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I loved a neon pattern @yeahlikethat made and tried to get a larger size, but unfortunately it wasn't in memory. 1:03 p.m., September 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We were issued red letter jackets and T-shirts, the latter of which we could visit the T-shirt shop to redesign. 12:58 p.m., September 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I went to shower and found our other roommates in line, so I went to the public showers—with hundreds of others. 12:57 p.m., September 03, 2012

Last night's dream: My husband and I went to a resort to meet up with friends for a Halloween party. But from the beginning, it was strange. 12:53 p.m., September 03, 2012

Second, in this episode, Ariel wants her learner's permit—but we saw her driving to school at least two episodes ago! Consistency? #medium 9:06 p.m., September 02, 2012

I love this show, but a couple gripes: First, why is the phone always on Joe's side of the bed? Shouldn't they know better by now? #medium 9:04 p.m., September 02, 2012

Last night's dream: A dude started following me and tried to molest me in a parking lot...so I shot him. Then I drove an old friend home. 3:37 p.m., September 02, 2012

The other night, I looked around the dairy section, then tugged my husband's sleeve: Everyone around us was on the phone. #peopleofschnucks 11:13 p.m., September 01, 2012

What a gross girl—hair unbrushed, blue Band-Aids on her fingers, throwing her lollipop stick on the ground as she shambled after her mother. 9:17 p.m., September 01, 2012

"Is there a community website for sewers"—ooo, like as in public maps of sewers?—"that is comparable to what Ravelry is for knitters?" Ohhh. 2:20 a.m., August 30, 2012

I'm tired of this clichéd @Change petition auto-response: "We need to reach out to as many friends as we can to grow this campaign and win." 4:46 p.m., August 29, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Each guest got a printed diagram detailing how many pieces of cake they got, their portion's volume and weight... 12:17 p.m., August 29, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: @Choire reviewed a precision-geometry birthday-cake company that laser-cut an exact number of pieces per guest. 12:12 p.m., August 29, 2012

Last night's dream: My mother and aunt stopped by class with a pizza for me. By the time I got into the classroom, other kids had eaten it. 12:08 p.m., August 29, 2012

"Hurricane Isaac forces more casinos to close"—yes, because THAT'S what we should be worried about, @stlbj. God forbid they not make money. 8:20 p.m., August 28, 2012

As for the rest of my dream, well, to put it in a way you Internet-addled kids might understand, The Flaming Lips brings the feels. #loufest 12:48 p.m., August 27, 2012

Last night's dream: I wanted to go home early, and as luck would have it, everyone was spending the afternoon playing crazy eights anyway. 12:03 p.m., August 27, 2012

Just tried to Swype "speaking of" and got "SOAKING of." Apparently my phone is still sulking about the soaking we got earlier. #loufest 4:25 a.m., August 27, 2012

The Flaming Lips finale was like being underwater inside a snow globe full of holographic glitter...and love. #loufest 4:22 a.m., August 27, 2012

Rainbow catgirl photographs guy in full gorilla suit—excellent moment. #loufest 11:12 p.m., August 26, 2012

Oooo...Twin Peaks synths between Cults songs. #loufest 10:33 p.m., August 26, 2012

Green fairy wings, black leather corset, orange-and-red tutu, tall leather boots...you're beautiful. #loufest 10:08 p.m., August 26, 2012

Spotted: One guy in a homemade pink robot costume...unfortunately forced to dismantle it to get through security. Go pink robot! #loufest 10:00 p.m., August 26, 2012

Dinosaur Jr.: Where all the unrepentant smokers and those with irreparable (or soon to be) hearing loss are. #loufest 12:05 a.m., August 26, 2012

Oh oh oh, there is a girl wearing red short shorts that say "ASSTODON" on the back, plus a rubber horse head! You are beautiful. #loufest 10:50 p.m., August 25, 2012

Seen: A guy dressed as Waldo; a girl as Waldette; and two girls pouring out Mountain Dew in honor of, presumably, a dead homey. #loufest 10:36 p.m., August 25, 2012

Overheard: "It's kind of like that thing with Chick-Fih-Luh or whatever..." #loufest 10:21 p.m., August 25, 2012

Nothing makes you feel prescient like being the geek reading comics under a tent when the rain starts up. #loufest 9:02 p.m., August 25, 2012

Overheard: "I've watched my boss take two hits of acid and walk around a cemetery and talk about the true meaning of life...and I love it." 8:58 p.m., August 25, 2012

Pro tip: If the success of a lyric depends on accenting the wrong syllable of Cassiopeia, it probably doesn't work. #loufest 8:28 p.m., August 25, 2012

"Saw a news release that says Google is sponsoring discounted Wi-Fi access at Lambert..." Mayor Slay gets his news from press releases, too? 12:42 a.m., August 25, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I went out on the mattress deck and found weathered $1 and $20 bills; I waved to my little cousin down below. 12:57 p.m., August 24, 2012

Last night's dream: The neighborhood's college-student exodus was fruitful; a stack of mattresses formed a temporary deck out my window. 12:00 p.m., August 24, 2012

Seen on a website in progress: "Many combonations to choose from." Yes, we are a Combo Nation—and there's your free book title for the day. 7:16 p.m., August 23, 2012

"The perfect way to set your tablecloth on fire!" http://t.co/wkBXRgua 4:19 p.m., August 23, 2012

I can't wait until I own my own ceiling. 3:55 p.m., August 23, 2012

I'm sorry, hhgregg still looks like a typo to me, and its colors look just like Circuit City's. http://t.co/PJiHcqYz http://t.co/Eo7fKSnZ 1:49 p.m., August 23, 2012

Agh! Why does that FedEx slip smell like maple syrup—and why did I touch it? 1:36 p.m., August 23, 2012

I changed the station to escape Rumer's "No-n-n-no" chorus and got John Mayer at first—No!—then Gwen Stefani singing "No, no" on the next. 1:26 p.m., August 23, 2012

"Never have I ever had a clipped fingernail fly straight up my nose." Glug. 1:24 a.m., August 23, 2012

@APStylebook The Tea Party and Occupy should be capped; to do otherwise could lead readers to vastly underestimate the movements' influence. 7:16 p.m., August 22, 2012

Heh. "Italian bee sandwich." Now that's a spicy meatball! 3:25 p.m., August 22, 2012

Last night's dream: Monkeys with exoskeletons lived in the walls, and a baby boy managed to horribly slice his eye with a wire clay cutter. 2:23 p.m., August 22, 2012

@metroidbaby Hacker? Julian Assange kind of looks like the intersection between hippie, new-age, and theater geek. 11:27 p.m., August 21, 2012

Congratulations, you wrote longer than anyone else and said less. 9:56 p.m., August 21, 2012

How to recognize a spammer on Twitter: They reply to you with blind links and post nonsense tweets about events hosted "this Thursday 33rd." 3:00 p.m., August 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: At another, old acquaintances and I dug through some papers, including a stack of tan-lined undergrad pr0n books. 1:00 p.m., August 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: At another point, I was apparently living in a big box in someone's basement, fitted with a flat-screen cable TV. 12:56 p.m., August 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Yeah, he had a restored car with chrome tailpipes, and he finally had his own style—but he still creeped me out. 12:53 p.m., August 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: After this one date, his car-salesman father wanted to swap some jewelry-store bauble for the shield ring. Ugh... 12:50 p.m., August 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: He came back wearing a white dress shirt that was too tight in the collar—he'd had a nosebleed on the waistcoat. 12:48 p.m., August 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: He gave me a silver coat-of-arms ring, which I put on. Then he left me with his family a bit, watching a movie. 12:46 p.m., August 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: And now as then, "No" just didn't seem to register with him—perhaps why he popped to mind. He tried to "woo" me. 12:42 p.m., August 21, 2012

Last night's dream: A guy I found deeply creepy in college—Neil or Nick or something—reappeared as an old-time steampunk, waistcoat and all. 12:39 p.m., August 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Soon, though, we abandoned the pastime to wander the back alleys of campus again, back to the gross ropes course. 12:48 p.m., August 20, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Players would drink vodka from the mug while running toward and then up the wall, seeing how high they could get. 12:46 p.m., August 20, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The boy came to learn the, uh, Olympic sport of wall-jumping, which for us involved mugs of vodka and...a wall. 12:45 p.m., August 20, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We tried to get this girl back with the prefreshman boy she arrived with, but only managed to give him her stuff. 12:41 p.m., August 20, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Every semester's campus concert included a ropes hill, where students navigated a moving tangle of climbing rope. 12:39 p.m., August 20, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Amid the new ROTC members and swarms of people, she found my group of friends literally learning the ropes again. 12:38 p.m., August 20, 2012

Last night's dream: My husband was manning the campus card-access gate when a confused 15-year-old prefreshman girl managed to slip through. 12:35 p.m., August 20, 2012

As a woman in the district that'd be represented by Mr. @LegitimateRape Akin, I have to ask a favor: Please help keep him out of the Senate! 7:41 p.m., August 19, 2012

"Featured questions are hand-picked by our expert kgb agents." Wordplay, or SEO strategy to attract (Soviet) KGB buffs? http://t.co/ziW3NoqN 4:41 p.m., August 19, 2012

@DanielNester It's not manly to ask whether the electrical components of all those mancave lamps have been updated to meet safety standards. 4:36 p.m., August 19, 2012

Even more punk rock would've been trying not to wake up the other person sleeping in the same BUSHES. http://t.co/yUTkpGWa 3:47 p.m., August 19, 2012

"Yeah, I'm not buying anything called AQUA POO—especially not shaped like that!" http://t.co/0gGeV49e 3:37 p.m., August 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: A boy urged us to break it up. I went in; my mother was on the phone. She offered to take me to fix my glasses... 2:44 p.m., August 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: When she refused to recant, I snapped a toothbrush. Who knew it would so effectively resemble a shiv? I waved it. 2:42 p.m., August 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: She and a friend mocked me: "What's wrong with YOU?" I trailed them into a courtyard and raged about my glasses. 2:40 p.m., August 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I was among the last three not on the truck; I yelled that I wasn't going. A haughty blonde poked her head in. 2:36 p.m., August 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Others had already destroyed my other pairs by stepping on them; I burst into tears. Then they called my name... 2:33 p.m., August 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: As I tried to arrange my stuff to suit the secretary, I inadvertently ended up stepping on my last good glasses. 2:31 p.m., August 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I got caught up in shoe choices (checkerboard Vans or neon pink/blue skate shoes?), then had to move my stuff. 2:30 p.m., August 19, 2012

Last night's dream: My husband, @k1mothy, and I were set to go on a class trip when I realized I'd forgotten my sunscreen. I went back in. 2:26 p.m., August 19, 2012

"You glass wipe! Seriously, you are a professional-grade glass wipe, you know that?" http://t.co/6lpCiLsi 3:59 a.m., August 19, 2012

A small joy: I love the way the bottle of Palmolive Pure + Clear dish soap casts rainbows across my kitchen from its spot on the windowsill. 9:11 p.m., August 18, 2012

I just caught myself thinking of silverware in terms of typography; our silverware is fairly sans-serif. So are our dishes, for that matter. 5:00 p.m., August 18, 2012

Wow they didn't think through how that subtitle sounds, especially since everyone pictured appears to be, well, white. http://t.co/AglbaNgP 4:33 p.m., August 17, 2012

Last night's dream: My father accompanied us to LouFest, where the field was totally covered in tarps and cars; work had another emergency. 12:35 p.m., August 17, 2012

Heh. My roundup is getting retweeted by people who think Connecticut = CN and Massachusetts = MS. Some people really do need the Internet... 2:23 a.m., August 17, 2012

So apparently @Charter is down in Tennessee, Massachusetts, North Carolina, Connecticut—and, I can confirm, definitely St. Louis, Missouri. 2:05 a.m., August 17, 2012

To the crazy person who tailgated me onto I-170, then tried to pass on the right, then rolled the window down after passing on the left: NO. 10:30 p.m., August 16, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Then came the usual weirdness: a coworker seeing me in my underwear, an ex getting divorced, parental oddities... 12:14 p.m., August 16, 2012

Last night's dream: Two sick guys wandered into our backyard and commenced to dig themselves into the snow and dirt there. We called 911. 12:10 p.m., August 16, 2012

Congratulations on successfully crossing Olive Boulevard in the dark, little gray cat! 2:34 a.m., August 16, 2012

"Motivate Kids by Teaching Them ‘Life is a Business,’ Says Non-Profit Founder"—motivate them to kill themselves now, while they still can?! 9:29 p.m., August 15, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke with Guided by Voices' "Look at Them" in my head. http://t.co/ejeKhMwe 12:54 p.m., August 15, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: As athletes, our keys could access the secret "store," which stocked whole turrets of tissues and other effects. 12:50 p.m., August 15, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I ran into my teammates, pushing soccer carts. I just had a grocery cart; we compared their merits for the game. 12:48 p.m., August 15, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Before I could explore all the doors, I saw a neighbor who was feeling down. I prescribed "Smothered in Hugs." 12:46 p.m., August 15, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Back outside, I opened another—to find Phreak from Hackers. "Did you know your door was unlocked?" I muttered. 12:43 p.m., August 15, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I decided to check out those open doors. I opened one, to a three-story apartment, and scurried between floors. 12:39 p.m., August 15, 2012

Last night's dream: I lived in an old three-story building with lever-lock keys...and multiple apartment doors left open. I became curious. 12:36 p.m., August 15, 2012

The "Newsmax Headlines" box at lower right on this @NRO piece really resembles an active Gmail chat window. On purpose? http://t.co/7euMTWAO 4:11 p.m., August 14, 2012

The sending domain, http://t.co/mvHtRDM8, is pretty...something. The header: "Welcome to Judgment Day, August 2012 C.E., sponsored by Allah" 1:51 p.m., August 13, 2012

Email subject line of the day: "Press Only Emergency Message from God Allah." The reprinted text of the email is here: http://t.co/18igxiHN 1:49 p.m., August 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: He was working to make the high school a safe space to grow and make mistakes, not a puritanical "safe space." 1:12 p.m., August 12, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I fell prey to the utility, only finding out from a friend, who was working to make the high school a safe space. 1:09 p.m., August 12, 2012

Last night's dream: Hackers developed a utility to search any smartphone connected to their servers for trashed nude pics, then post them. 1:07 p.m., August 12, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My high-school reunion committee finally gave out commemorative yearbooks—and one guy had written on all of them. 12:30 p.m., August 09, 2012

Last night's dream: A European nation was having a spy dinner in the long courtyard between two apartment building rows in my neighborhood. 12:29 p.m., August 09, 2012

"Why is this particular parenting style so successful?" Why does this writer think this could possibly be addressed in a single op-ed piece? 12:00 a.m., August 09, 2012

These two Ask MetaFilter posters, two questions apart, should really talk to each other. http://t.co/nZX1xuRI http://t.co/k4npSees 11:52 p.m., August 08, 2012

Seen in the parking lot: Another white car with a magnetic sign on the side, this one reading "Lets Get Paid Publishing." #peopleofschnucks 6:08 p.m., August 08, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I'd just grinned really big for the camera and gotten one good shot, taken by someone standing on a table... 12:09 p.m., August 08, 2012

Last night's dream: @yeahlikethat, her friends, and I were about to make tall peach Napoli concoctions in a tiny tiny back apartment room. 12:07 p.m., August 08, 2012

Misspelling of the day: EXXENTRIC. As in, "My, what an exxentric spelling." The X key was easier to reach than the C key, and I was tired... 3:36 a.m., August 08, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Walking down the hall, I accidentally brushed a girl's phone—which was on the floor—with my foot. Gasp! Incident! 11:37 a.m., August 06, 2012

Last night's dream: The old band room was cleared out and had an alarm—it'd been turned into a pizza factory—so they actually had money now. 11:34 a.m., August 06, 2012

A pictorial quiz: Matthew Sweet or a terminator? http://t.co/8vBUxSqx 3:46 p.m., August 05, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: An acquisition from that night: a light-up, woman-shaped stained glass–look liquor bottle that wouldn't turn off. 2:14 p.m., August 05, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We got a ride to the airport in the morning, where we got our luggage and had a talk with the new rental clerk. 2:11 p.m., August 05, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We realized that in our haste and frustration about the would-be rental we'd never picked up our checked luggage. 2:09 p.m., August 05, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Some Brits were there, including a John Cleese lookalike who led a croquet game with concentric crackable balls. 2:06 p.m., August 05, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We went to the nearby old white inn for what turned out to be the night, where we drank and played other games. 1:59 p.m., August 05, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: It was dark; he led us to a tiny cave in the middle of a muddy field...and hands rose up! A girl clambered out. 1:56 p.m., August 05, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The oldest twentysomething had a taste for pranks—that, and no cares re: giving me a peck in front of my husband. 1:46 p.m., August 05, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We tried navigating with public transit and quickly ran into a motley group of young salarymen and their friends. 1:43 p.m., August 05, 2012

Last night's dream: A dispute with our would-be car-rental agency at a Japanese airport would've left us driving a big gray van. We passed. 1:39 p.m., August 05, 2012

Dear Shaniqua: Your phone number is not 314-714-LIME. In other news, your delivery truck from Carol House Furniture will be arriving soon... 3:20 p.m., August 03, 2012

@EasyBib Your product's great—except for the lack of curly/smart quotes. Could you consider adding that? It would save me reformatting time. 5:15 a.m., August 03, 2012

Misread: "Dierbergs in Des Peres features full liquor license, escalator for cats: SLIDESHOW." Sadly, it's an escalator for carts, not cats. 8:44 p.m., August 02, 2012

"Years married" is an easy macro for gifts, but not necessarily for life satisfaction. Isn't the point that you don't have to worry anymore? 4:29 p.m., August 02, 2012

On the way in today, I passed a car on Forest Park Parkway with a magnetic sign on the side. I could swear it said "Cutaneous Publishing." 2:18 p.m., August 01, 2012

The sounds of two trucks braking outside formed a beautiful chord just now, like air through a giant pipe organ. 2:14 p.m., August 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: It was Balrog-spawned fire demons. We were forced to battle them throughout the halls and rooms of the hotel. 12:45 p.m., August 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We weren't in the plane's path...but before long, we started to smell smoke while we hastily packed. Its source? 12:44 p.m., August 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: But suddenly an airplane fell out of a vortex, crashed on the patio, and slid toward us. My husband made me run. 12:41 p.m., August 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I was out on a parapet when I first saw the strange vortexes in the sky. I didn't know what they were, though. 12:38 p.m., August 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: @k1mothy's community band practiced there, too, and I ended up wandering through a session a bit later in things. 12:37 p.m., August 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We were staying in a weird boutique hotel with oracles relaxing around indoor ponds, endless paneled bathrooms... 12:35 p.m., August 01, 2012

Last night's dream: I got ahold of a stack of a teacher's blue student gradebooks; I was good, though, and did nothing unethical with them. 12:33 p.m., August 01, 2012

Store announcement: "I need assistance in the meat department." My bagger: "No, I need assistance in the meat department." #peopleofschnucks 12:48 a.m., July 31, 2012

For a second, I thought I saw a golden terminator shining in the sun, waiting to cross Eager Road at Brentwood Boulevard. 10:11 p.m., July 31, 2012

Typo of the day: "The Past House." For a moment, I thought there was a mysterious new restaurant in town. Then I realized: The Pasta House. 3:16 p.m., July 31, 2012

A dude either broke a mirror or dropped an already-broken mirror all over in the alley—bad luck for him and anyone who drives through there. 11:38 p.m., July 30, 2012

I was just considering watching Frasier, but I started an episode of Medium instead...and right there in the first scene was Kelsey Grammer. 11:00 p.m., July 30, 2012

One of those little mysteries of computing: For some unknown reason, when I minimized the Mac App Store earlier, its label became "Firenze." 4:25 p.m., July 29, 2012

Misread: "Cupcake Station Lofts," as opposed to Cupples Station Lofts. The former should exist. 4:27 a.m., July 29, 2012

Right after my husband told me about using SETI as an example of high RAM use, I pulled into traffic behind a guy with SETI Illinois plates. 10:48 p.m., July 28, 2012

My downstairs neighbor definitely gained several points when he left his apartment wearing Lucky Pixel Kitty. http://t.co/Ubs8ahlo @rstevens 10:50 p.m., July 27, 2012

Which would you rather be: a comma commie or a karma chameleon? 9:27 p.m., July 26, 2012

RT @voltarine: Hee hee: @limeonaire just called me a Commie for my overuse of commas. Tho' I suppose I'm really more of a punctual anarc ... 9:25 p.m., July 26, 2012

I just saw a woman walking down the hall, singing to herself: "I'm go-ing on va-caaa-tion, and I am so haaa-ppy!" I want to go to there. 8:30 p.m., July 26, 2012

I always said <%= deadlines %> were malleable. 5:52 p.m., July 26, 2012

When the name of a place is [CITY] Memorial [THING]—e.g., Alton Memorial Hospital—it almost sounds like they're mourning the city itself. 2:35 p.m., July 25, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: A boss at work had singled out a coworker to fail, I realized, always asking her pointed questions; she was unaware. 9:07 a.m., July 25, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: In avoiding all of the above, I stumbled onto a night-football game on pavement; they attempted to draw me into it. 9:05 a.m., July 25, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: My friends' jeesh had conscripted an elderly doctor into giving their ranks free colonoscopies; the line was long. 9:04 a.m., July 25, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: It was a long, cold walk home through the D.C. night. I ran from a pink UFO aura and a vicious blue-shock mugger. 9:03 a.m., July 25, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: Every store door was password-protected, both inside and out; the computer heard you speak the word. A coworker did. 9:00 a.m., July 25, 2012

Tonight's dream: It was winter and we were eating dinner with friends, digging for old menus from the long-defunct but fondly remembered. 8:56 a.m., July 25, 2012

The first solid meal you provide for someone in the hospital with reflux: a tomato sandwich with a side of oranges?! That's like a bad joke! 6:56 p.m., July 24, 2012

Note to self: Don't ever order a large No. 10 at the Brentwood McDonald's again—you're not going to like the total. 6:48 p.m., July 24, 2012

Microsoft Word, come on: What gave you the idea that two commas in a row was ever a valid construction in English (or any other language)? 4:37 p.m., July 24, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I helped discover an evil guy lurking in the old back yard; he would try to invade your house by sweet-talking. 11:38 a.m., July 24, 2012

Last night's dream: While I was out they moved my desk to a corner, supposedly to help me get more work done. I had a brief period of anger. 11:32 a.m., July 24, 2012

Someone should write a book about Ask vs. Guess culture in hospitals. 1:17 a.m., July 24, 2012

Something I've learned today: I'm pretty good at putting socks on (other people). 5:00 p.m., July 23, 2012

Even lying in a hospital bed, my husband is better than me at Words With Friends. 4:16 p.m., July 23, 2012

Bejeweled jeans will scratch the paint on your car. Ask me how I know... 9:36 p.m., July 22, 2012

@nedroid toilet cleaner? 2:46 p.m., July 22, 2012

Sorry, but if there's one place I wouldn't pick up a lucky penny, it's the bathroom in the ER. Can I have the luck anyway? Pretty please? 6:40 p.m., July 21, 2012

Email subject line of the day: "not too late to enter little miss perfect this weekend." This sounds like a parody—but it's a real pageant. 1:45 p.m., July 20, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We lived in view of a park and someone was killing neighborhood bike riders; Joe Pesci was a cop stationed there. 12:32 p.m., July 20, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We had a dog, a brown Jack Russell terrier, that pooped in our front flower bed. My husband's aunt laughed at us. 12:29 p.m., July 20, 2012

Last night's dream: Two cousins came and sat with me on the porch, and I reported that all was well: My husband was happy; things were good. 12:25 p.m., July 20, 2012

ESPN's list of the top 100 North American athletes of the 20th century has 89 men, eight women—and three HORSES. What?! http://t.co/7VslLiTP 5:50 p.m., July 19, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: Then we heard that a former classmate collapsed and was driven away from out front—her stalker had gotten to her. 10:25 a.m., July 19, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: I got a plastic bag out of my pocket, inadvertently triggering a coworker's allergy to some manufacturing compound. 10:22 a.m., July 19, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: My husband went with me to a prayer service. My old roommate's advice: Take Tums every day and keep my ego in check. 10:20 a.m., July 19, 2012

Tonight's dream: At my college reunion, @Choire nicely listened to me babble on about the youngs, the Internet, and revolution. Thanks, man. 10:16 a.m., July 19, 2012

Quote: "Even if we get a break in the heat, the brick buildings in St. Louis, the heat is cumulative and they retain heat for several days." 1:03 a.m., July 19, 2012

Why was this @nytimes story edited to remove the quote about the heat-retaining properties of brick during heat waves? http://t.co/FEMIxVni 1:02 a.m., July 19, 2012

Another car that looks like a Stormtrooper helmet: the Kia Soul. http://t.co/RYk94lTl 11:33 p.m., July 18, 2012

@StLJewishLight You might double-check your headline on this story: http://t.co/gWKncQV2 10:06 p.m., July 18, 2012

This is beautiful. #whyqamattersonline http://t.co/gWKncQV2 http://t.co/3DKWhPGR 7:33 p.m., July 18, 2012

Dear airport cabdriver: Did your passenger enjoy passing me in the right-hand exit lane at 80 mph? Or was he as unhappy about it as I was? 3:28 p.m., July 18, 2012

@katypearce Sorry I didn't see your reply before; I'm sorry about Tina, and I hope my comment re: the supernatural didn't make things worse! 1:31 a.m., July 17, 2012

The chorus of the new Green Day single sounds like a bad punk cover of "Dixie"; the new No Doubt single sounds like more solo Gwen Stefani. 1:08 a.m., July 17, 2012

Last night's dream: I fell in with evangelicals as a giant storm was brewing; though it was summer, it was cold enough to wear a turtleneck. 12:24 p.m., July 17, 2012

Ever since MCA died, "Intergalactic" has been my brain's go-to macro for "mourning"—which tends to break up the mood that brings it to mind. 3:57 a.m., July 17, 2012

Psychic powers aside, the fakest thing I ever heard on this show was the canned children's applause at the end of this last episode. #medium 3:27 a.m., July 17, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: A pale, blond boy genius was locked down in an Illinois motel room. I was supposed to befriend and spy on him. 12:27 p.m., July 16, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My mother patiently waited for people at a party to shut up before saying I should make sure to listen to myself. 12:23 p.m., July 16, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Claudia Kishi didn't have her hair up in "attack ponytails"—which in this crowd meant something was really wrong. 12:21 p.m., July 16, 2012

Last night's dream: A guy at a show, which became a big hole in the ground, was into me. He smiled as I got kids' junk—and money—off my car. 12:19 p.m., July 16, 2012

On the basis of superstition alone it was probably a bad idea to bring two cats to Devils Tower on Friday the 13th. http://t.co/rZkPMAH6 4:33 p.m., July 14, 2012

Email subject line of the day: "A.U Alluvial gold dust for sale." Apparently "the selling price is very interesting." 8:52 p.m., July 12, 2012

Since Diablo III came out, encountering a phrase like "masterwork light fixture" in an article is a bit jarring. Do lamps have a DPS rating? 3:03 p.m., July 12, 2012

Email salutation of the day: "Hi - Would you be interested in an interview?" As in YOU interview ME? Or—oh, you want ME to interview YOU? 2:06 p.m., July 12, 2012

I see two of the thickest iPad cases ever. The quote: "Our technology is unique in that it doesn’t require thickness to absorb impact." Ah. 1:46 p.m., July 12, 2012

When you run a story about yesterday's event, @stltoday, don't use a future-tense file-photo caption. http://t.co/W7s3wc0S #whyqamatters 8:12 p.m., July 11, 2012

"Lambert is on New York Times’ radar"—my first thought was "But is it in a good way?" Of course it wasn't, @stlbj. But I clicked. Congrats. 4:00 p.m., July 11, 2012

Last night's dream: I married an old on-again, off-again boyfriend from high school, almost no one came, and then I had to go back to work. 11:51 a.m., July 11, 2012

I feel like it says something that Old Navy couldn't even find a clean pair of flip-flops to shoot for its website. http://t.co/BQzvThKK 9:43 p.m., July 10, 2012

I wonder whether there's a measurable effect in the world of accounting resulting from people changing payments to avoid the devil's number. 7:35 p.m., July 10, 2012

Misread after an email re: population growth: "CNN has launched Midwives, a new blog to showcase its audio journalism." A.k.a. "Soundwaves." 1:42 p.m., July 10, 2012

This morning has the scent of someone driving over an old beer can. 1:22 p.m., July 10, 2012

Of course the guy with the custom fish-scale trim and taillight masking that spelled something ran a red light before I could get a picture. 10:16 p.m., July 09, 2012

"Here's some activity you may have missed on Facebook. 2 messages 3 notifications." Why wouldn't you include the missed info in the email?! 2:15 p.m., July 09, 2012

Last night's dream: Our hotel suite had both too much AC noise and an infestation of an invasive species, these fast-growing gold beetles. 11:49 a.m., July 09, 2012

Last night's dream: I was on Vicodin and ordered a pizza—then realized I couldn't drive to pick it up. I begged people to go get it for me. 2:06 a.m., July 08, 2012

Unlike paying by credit, there is no lower bound on OS X software installs—you have to "sign" permission whether the install is big or tiny. 12:56 a.m., July 08, 2012

@jcooperman This is a plot in @warrenellis's Transmetropolitan; heads cryogenically frozen are thawed, given new bodies, and left to cope. 3:31 p.m., July 06, 2012

As I thought to myself re: work, "You know what, I'm in a good place," I swiped my cellphone on...and saw that it was 11:11 p.m. Good vibes! 4:13 a.m., July 05, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I also found a little basket of pins, like a tiny enamel 76 gas station logo pin, and some unopened fakie ponies. 5:02 p.m., July 04, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: There was one of those printed, Styrofoam bead–filled pillows in the shape of an octopus morphing into a star. 4:56 p.m., July 04, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I also found a sky–colored stuffed bear...with a matching unstuffed Siamese bear costume attached. Ah, childhood! 4:53 p.m., July 04, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The game was for a game system whose controller connectors were little white brushes pushed into a clear console. 4:51 p.m., July 04, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I found a rotating Tetris/Rubik's Cube game that let you rotate an entire field of shapes like swiping iOS apps. 4:50 p.m., July 04, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: At another point, I explored my dad's basement, where I found things I'd forgotten (read: never actually owned). 4:43 p.m., July 04, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The guy behind the counter kept trying to ring me up when I'd only chosen my custard (caramel), not my salad. 4:42 p.m., July 04, 2012

Last night's dream: Some girls took me to a tiny boutique lunch place that sold only salad, custard, and cookies—the last were my brother's! 4:40 p.m., July 04, 2012

I was frustrated about forgetting my work at home...when I saw a car on my street with a full shopping bag left on the trunk. I felt better. 12:47 p.m., July 03, 2012

@jcooperman It's a sign they want you to buy something. 12:46 p.m., July 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: When bullies walked past, we shrank into the shadows of the smoker's hollow—they beat up anyone they found there. 11:18 a.m., July 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Even cops get moody sometimes; when one got stressed out, he'd sit on top of a green filing cabinet in an alcove. 11:15 a.m., July 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: That kid also had a weird past no one knew about: He and his adopted sister, Ming, had been raised to be lovers. 11:11 a.m., July 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: When we dug out the geode, we also found a creepy ceramic mask from the '70s, glazed in an alien gray and purple. 11:09 a.m., July 03, 2012

Last night's dream: Brian Krakow was hanging out near the smoker's hollow when we found and smashed open a geode with red crystals inside. 11:06 a.m., July 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Thanks to @gatewaygroupie for showing me how to reengage the brakes on the scooters I accidentally set in motion. 12:06 p.m., July 02, 2012

Last night's dream: Sorry I didn't pick up your car on time, sweetheart; I ran into an ex and engaged in an awkward conversation instead... 11:52 a.m., July 02, 2012

Today I saw our power lines overheat and catch fire, shedding a cascade of orange sparks. We got line noise, too, 'til they were replaced. 4:32 a.m., July 02, 2012

This is the kind of weather that makes you want to observe airlock protocol...if only you had an airlock! 4:26 p.m., June 30, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My father was even being civil and was content to see me for a minute's hello and goodbye. A++ WOULD DREAM AGAIN. 3:19 p.m., June 30, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: One supremely confident and easygoing friend from high school, R., was hanging out in the fest's gift-shop area. 3:16 p.m., June 30, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: He looked OK on the outside, but refused treatment to assess internal injuries... I saw other old friends, too. 3:14 p.m., June 30, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: This was a flashback explaining the blood on my old friend's jaw: He'd had to be rescued from the bears' embrace. 3:10 p.m., June 30, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Sometime in there, he morphed into an old jazz friend...who proceeded to walk straight into bear-infested waters. 3:06 p.m., June 30, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: @bryanhollerbach was calmly resolved. He knew this was what he was meant to be doing. We congratulated him on it. 3:04 p.m., June 30, 2012

Last night's dream: @bryanhollerbach came by to announce his next move: He was going to open a bed-and-breakfast in a South City bungalow. 3:00 p.m., June 30, 2012

Ah, editing: "Peperoncini pickles?" "No, peperoncini, as in peppers." "Right, but are the peppers pickled? Anything pickled is a pickle!" 5:46 p.m., June 29, 2012

Key parts of my skill set: Voodoo math and text massaging. 3:38 p.m., June 29, 2012

Subject of the day: "Täke å lóok." Inside: "Dôn't päy ânóther cent tò the ÌRS untîl yôu knòw This." The copied text expands to a whole graf. 1:46 p.m., June 29, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Asked his thoughts on me, a former rival spouted poetry, by way of swatting down the notion that I'm an ogre. 11:51 a.m., June 29, 2012

Last night's dream: I wound up in a huge volleyball game with former high-school classmates. By the time I woke up, I still hadn't served. 11:49 a.m., June 29, 2012

Granted, this is the original 1967 version of the book that refers to every Chinese character as "a Chinese" from "the Orient." #nancydrew 11:54 p.m., June 28, 2012

"He's wanted for smuggling and a dozen other offenses. Seems he's of mixed blood," says Mr. Drew. What's race have to do with it? #nancydrew 11:37 p.m., June 28, 2012

"This is the biscuit stage," Dick tells Nancy, thus displaying the depth of the writer's research in re BISQUE firing in pottery. #nancydrew 3:44 a.m., June 28, 2012

Nancy wakes to her terrier's pleading. Rather than letting him out, she assumes he wants to go with her to New York and says no. #nancydrew 3:36 a.m., June 28, 2012

Last night's dream: I was in a college driver's-ed class with @k1mothy till I realized I'd already taken it. I'd have to find another class. 11:51 a.m., June 27, 2012

Seen in Columbia: A girl in heels, whining "My feet hurt!"; three scaries carrying baseball bats and a long staff; a steroidal bodybuilder. 11:39 p.m., June 25, 2012

@JoeBerkowitz "You wanna 'freak out the normals'? Tell them you've been thinking about them." http://t.co/ewD5DmtJ 5:40 p.m., June 24, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I went to the bathroom...which was a line of chopped-off wooden stalls so low everyone could see you completely. 2:31 p.m., June 24, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I went after him and ended up in a hardware store, an old True Value, run by a crime boss. I really had to pee... 2:29 p.m., June 24, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Johnny went and got himself stabbed all over the chest (and tried to fix it with yellow Looney Tunes bandages). 2:26 p.m., June 24, 2012

Last night's dream: When you have too few gang members in a small town, it's tough to replenish your numbers if, say, someone goes and dies. 2:24 p.m., June 24, 2012

While I've been waiting, someone named Superman has gotten his name called for like five pizzas—which kind of makes sense, actually. 2:00 a.m., June 23, 2012

Maybe I'm absolutist, but when I read that a PR blog went from "publicity-focused" to "more editorial," I think, it's editorial or it's not. 12:12 a.m., June 23, 2012

Yes, Swype, there are owls in Twin Peaks, and they're not what they seem, but I still wasn't trying to type Twin Owls. 7:32 p.m., June 22, 2012

P.S. Someone really needs to do that CCR vs. Ivy remix. Call it "Distant Lights on the Bayou." 2:18 a.m., June 21, 2012

My husband was playing CCR's "Born on the Bayou," I was playing Ivy's "Distant Lights," and for a moment, they were perfectly beatmatched. 2:14 a.m., June 21, 2012

Perfect juxtaposition: An ad for preschool book series "Sweet Pickles" on top of Quiet Riot's "Metal Health" video. http://t.co/2WEwPPNn 12:55 a.m., June 21, 2012

When I like something, lowercase L and the number 1 in my written comments tend to subconsciously get replaced with exclamation marks—"Coo!" 3:00 p.m., June 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: In class, I was rebuked for switching chairs mid-lesson; the one I had was an early one out of a midcentury mold. 11:57 a.m., June 21, 2012

Last night's dream: It was a particularly bad winter, to the point that snow blown through cracks was beginning to drift inside our house. 11:49 a.m., June 21, 2012

A woman giving three new hires a tour at Target: "This is our pets department, we get a lot of calls asking if we sell fish, no we don't." 1:36 p.m., June 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I found I could finally skateboard well, and he and I tandem-skateboarded away from the wedding and the pressure. 12:10 p.m., June 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: He was set—but not psyched—to play his best friend's wedding. He no longer really liked his old friend very much. 12:00 p.m., June 19, 2012

Last night's dream: I met a guy who only needed a few credits to finish college; he didn't think he'd ever do it. He was a concert violist. 11:56 a.m., June 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: While they looked at our car, we started working on the calculations to get us back to the rest of the world. 12:00 p.m., June 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Our car fell down a series of little hills until we were stuck in a new country, where time moved differently. 11:58 a.m., June 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: As my husband and I were driving to our vacation, we encountered a detour. We took a tiny road off into farmland. 11:55 a.m., June 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I was there with my husband, but some big dude put his arm around me and wouldn't let go until I hid in a stall. 11:53 a.m., June 18, 2012

Last night's dream: At a party, people entered by riding little carts on a track until they reached wooden dressing-room stalls in back. 11:50 a.m., June 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I went ice-skating with a coworker, but the rink kept shrinking. Soon I was considering skating in a stairwell. 3:41 p.m., June 17, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: An actress loved the idea of the play (girl meets boy next door, romance ensues), but was dismayed by the ending. 3:38 p.m., June 17, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I looked over the railing for my kindred spirit...and it was my brother, warming up on trumpet. Ah, rehearsal. 3:34 p.m., June 17, 2012

Last night's dream: Upstairs at a mall, I sang a bar of "A Whole New World," enjoying the resonance; below, someone mirrored me on trumpet. 3:32 p.m., June 17, 2012

As an insane, city-ruining storm hit in the comic I'm reading, I started to hear thunder and rain in real life. It's coming off the page! 3:54 a.m., June 17, 2012

Seen in Steak 'n Shake: A guy wearing a shirt whose entirety is a black-and-white map of Alabama. 8:46 p.m., June 16, 2012

Even the geese are confused today: I saw a line of six crossing the road at the entrance to the Target parking lot. 1:57 p.m., June 15, 2012

Parmigiana or ptarmigan—which do you think is more prevalent in St. Louis, Microsoft Word? 5:53 p.m., June 14, 2012

Sometimes people just need a bit of shaming to be better—e.g. the woman who unblinkingly rammed a cart into @voltarine's leg at Whole Foods. 5:41 p.m., June 14, 2012

Misread: "You're Invited to a FREE Financial SCAM Demo." The actual word in all-caps was SCAN—much less interesting. 2:35 p.m., June 14, 2012

The editor and publisher of the Detroit Free Press is named Paul ANGER?! What a perfect name for a newspaperman. 1:55 p.m., June 14, 2012

PR pitch of the day: "Ubiquity Broadcasting Corporation now operating as Ubiquity Corporation"—because our name wasn't creepy enough before! 1:34 p.m., June 14, 2012

Last night's dream: At a coworker's house, I fixed the PC's resolution and switched it from emulation into XP. Her husband said I broke it. 11:42 a.m., June 14, 2012

The proto-humans in Prometheus look sort of like Spider Jerusalem wearing Lord Dream's sigil. 3:57 a.m., June 14, 2012

Seen in traffic: A green pickup truck with a jiggly silver spider hitch light. http://t.co/huelUYof 3:09 a.m., June 14, 2012

It can't be a coincidence, doctors with last names like "Blinder" and "Lentz" going into ophthalmology. 5:02 p.m., June 13, 2012

Pro tip for broadcast majors: If you can't pronounce the words, "speaking with a smile" just makes you sound like you enjoy being ignorant. 2:00 p.m., June 13, 2012

Seen in traffic: A salmon-colored minivan with a gray-black dragon on the hood. 10:49 p.m., June 12, 2012

I tried to type "left fielder" and got "left fiddler" instead. 7:53 p.m., June 12, 2012

This allergy index is useful. But it's so TV news! When did 3-D swooshes become shorthand for "important news!"? http://t.co/Atfpdb9F 2:19 p.m., June 12, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The Deej emailed a list of summer flicks, saying it'd been too long (seven-plus years?) since we'd seen a movie. 12:22 p.m., June 12, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: He took a liking to me. "Don't you have any nice shoes?" he asked. I said my good boots were too warm for summer. 12:18 p.m., June 12, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: At the smoky apartment, a sign-language interpreter had stepped in for an amateur to translate a woman's story. 12:15 p.m., June 12, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: When we got to Miami, my husband told me the charge for the hotel on wheels, etc., had been put on my card. Agh! 12:12 p.m., June 12, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The Mafia guys say no one has a figure like mine anymore... En route, God hands them money, jewels, and guns. 12:10 p.m., June 12, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The "bus" is actually a giant hotel on wheels, run by the Mafia. A courier gets all my stuff from the real hotel. 11:46 a.m., June 12, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The apartment and yard get trashed; the landlord yells at us. People need rides, so we all get on a bus to Miami. 11:43 a.m., June 12, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We get to a smoky apartment and all go inside; I'm yelled at for my (possibly dumb) suggestion to open a window. 11:40 a.m., June 12, 2012

Last night's dream: I joined the volunteer firefighters, who were using spatulas and other kitchen tools 'cause their maces had been stolen. 11:36 a.m., June 12, 2012

Per my husband's three-fortune cookie, he is talented in many ways, is original/creative, has a keen sense of humor, and loves a good time. 3:22 a.m., June 12, 2012

"Have some glucose; make better life decisions." 11:03 p.m., June 11, 2012

Pretty much the entirety of http://t.co/bnsqxNbt looks like a scam. I especially like the "No Image" images. 7:30 p.m., June 11, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: No one was taking seriously the threat posed by the psychotic frat boys...except the friends of those attacked. 11:46 a.m., June 11, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Everyone just wanted to get through their work so they could watch the Olympic girls and the movie of the week. 11:44 a.m., June 11, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: They left that kid lying on the stadium floor, an unlit cigarette in his mouth. He thought it was a thermometer. 11:42 a.m., June 11, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I was almost safe inside a campus building when they ran up to me. One kid they caught got totally worked over. 11:39 a.m., June 11, 2012

Last night's dream: A couple of psychotic frat boys were jogging around, carrying people off—usually young women, but sometimes guys, too. 11:34 a.m., June 11, 2012

Deckard Cain: "Twenty years ago, Baal was unleashed upon the world." Heh. Technically, it was more like 12 years ago, no? #diabloiii 1:04 a.m., June 11, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Apparently there were secret tunnels under the town; my goals for the basement expanded to connecting with them. 2:21 p.m., June 10, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I'd taken a second job at the mall. I took a lot of elevators and at one point rode a bike through the ER intake. 2:19 p.m., June 10, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Looking at some of the shelves' contents, I found old antique marbles, 1-inch pins, etc.—things I'd thought lost. 2:11 p.m., June 10, 2012

Last night's dream: When I was out, my father built me more shelves for my basement room. Right away I saw the potential for a computer lab. 2:06 p.m., June 10, 2012

I GUESS I can get over the fact that this show's credits are in Papyrus. #medium 8:52 p.m., June 09, 2012

Yes, I'm the geek who thinks about "gaining control of the stacking order" when loading the dishwasher. 4:45 p.m., June 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I also met a porn star who'd been doing it (heh) since her teens, and who apparently had some unusual abilities. 2:25 p.m., June 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Even the toddlers looked ready to take their pacifiers to the rave at the end of time. I was a little frightened. 2:12 p.m., June 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The kids didn't need "protecting" from influence. They were all wearing a sort of "tribal country club" style. 2:09 p.m., June 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: A coworker who was there cluelessly offered me a swig of beer; I rose to go play with the kids. And what a shock! 2:06 p.m., June 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Earlier, I'd been at dinner with country-clubbers, not even drinking so as not to badly influence their children. 2:04 p.m., June 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: And I told the horse about the difficulty of communication with beings so tiny. The dog and monkey flopped down. 2:01 p.m., June 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I told the horse about the universe, about worlds the size of a marble evolving 500 million times faster than us. 1:58 p.m., June 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We'd just ridden through the store, where I tipped my cap to an ex of mine who was wearing tails and a bowler. 1:56 p.m., June 09, 2012

Last night's dream: "Everything is so cute here, especially the bunnies," said the brown Appaloosa I'd been riding, as we sat on the grass. 1:55 p.m., June 09, 2012

Some words, like "that" and "of," are like prions, or rogue proteins—once you add an optional one, you start wanting to add them everywhere. 3:49 p.m., June 08, 2012

Bogus dream history: 1. When the first skyscraper went electric, people saw it as a mile-high fire. 2. A steelworker Superman tops another. 12:37 p.m., June 08, 2012

@jasonfroderman Oh awesome! Have fun! We're going to see it, but not immediately; we'll probably have seen it by the end of the weekend. 3:04 a.m., June 08, 2012

First came the zombies, then purple squirrels in Pennsylvania and a meth lab in a purse in a South County Walmart. Where's Spider Jerusalem? 2:59 a.m., June 08, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The house's residents were turning to a Google economy: One guy worked there, and the rest lived on what he made. 12:32 p.m., June 07, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: That's when you know someone means business: They noticed your misstep, but they silently save it for leverage. 12:29 p.m., June 07, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The recorder was hidden (and on) in a six-pack; when Locke from "Lost" unpacked it, he silently clicked it off. 12:27 p.m., June 07, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We lived in a historic state-owned mansion, with intrigue and a burly police detective with a voice recorder. 12:25 p.m., June 07, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: He saw me peering in and escaped; he swung past chemicals in the basement and hid in a spidery outdoor cabinet. 12:22 p.m., June 07, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I discovered his hiding place: under and behind our father's room, in a Revolutionary War–era cold cellar. 12:17 p.m., June 07, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: He started hiding stuff—including a bowl of chili!—under our father's dresser. I dumped the chili down the drain. 12:15 p.m., June 07, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: He'd then pull out anything reachable from under the door. Then he began pulling stuff out of the dresser door. 12:10 p.m., June 07, 2012

Last night's dream: My brother and I were back to the destructive games of childhood. I'd shut him out of my room; he'd try to get in. 12:07 p.m., June 07, 2012

First we heard some freaky rattling sounds at our back door. Then I killed a giant millipede on the wall. I'm never going to sleep. 4:46 a.m., June 07, 2012

Misread: "Woman's 911 call by dog nets $100 fine"—I thought the DOG called 911! Real subject line: "Woman's 911 call for dog nets $100 fine" 8:51 p.m., June 06, 2012

@ryansechrest Yep! @nancymcmullen22 and I made it into the lower levels of the evacuation tunnels under the city before the nuke exploded! 3:35 p.m., June 06, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: And apparently baked carbon-fiber nail polish exists in the future. A coworker showed me hers as we took shelter. 12:30 p.m., June 06, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The girl who stole my pizza had the nerve to say I stole HER pizza! I shouted, and it echoed around the space. 12:26 p.m., June 06, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Sitting at a long white food-court table, I looked down to find that my last piece of pizza—and plate!—were gone. 12:22 p.m., June 06, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I had to leave, so I went to the mega toy store's food court for pizza and barbecue. My boss was there, working. 12:18 p.m., June 06, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: A toy store sold modded My Little Ponies, like a Star Wars–branded Tauntaun pony. Then inventory began around me. 12:15 p.m., June 06, 2012

After I dreamed about a nuke explosion aboveground (thanks, @ryansechrest, for the warning!), seeing the first light of dawn was terrifying. 12:06 p.m., June 06, 2012

"Find Zoltun Kulle's body (0/1)"—well duh, guy's only got one body. Why again is this quest numbered? #diabloiii 11:48 p.m., June 05, 2012

The guy who went left on red at Rosedale Avenue was probably justified, but the guy who plowed straight through a red the other way? Not OK. 2:06 p.m., June 05, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I hadn't liked my first dream—but hosting dinner for a former boss in a haunted mansion wasn't actually that bad. 12:15 p.m., June 05, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I tried to escape, but some gangsters pulled up in immaculate white cars, so I hid behind cars out in the lot. 12:12 p.m., June 05, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I made the mistake of going outside with no shirt on; the local pervs all got out cameras and started snapping. 12:12 p.m., June 05, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I ran into a sales colleague there. To my chagrin, we brought her to some shack for Kool-Aid and soup for dinner. 12:07 p.m., June 05, 2012

Last night's dream: Snow was falling as my family got to the mall. I wanted to try on a Uniqlo flannel and Hawaiian shirt being held for me. 12:05 p.m., June 05, 2012

"What is the best science fiction ship ever created?" I totally thought this @rands tweet was gonna be about his fave OTP, like Riker/Troi. 3:59 a.m., June 04, 2012

Why is the ad on the Diablo III launch screen an ad to buy Diablo III? Wouldn't you have to have the game to even see that? 3:53 p.m., June 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: What got me, though, was how people said, "You shouldn't have to worry about that," then failed to come through. 2:51 p.m., June 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I tried to teach matwork to a newbie girl; I pinned her, but my black-belt brother said it wasn't a real pin. 2:41 p.m., June 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: At one point, for some reason, I was at the very front of a rope looped over balconies to pull everyone else up. 2:37 p.m., June 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: A couple guys in the resistance (I think) training session kept swatting my butt, so I took 'em down in sparring. 2:35 p.m., June 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Campus was in uproar, too. Buildings, including my dorm, with all of my stuff in it, were about to be torn down. 2:33 p.m., June 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My mother was completely miserable, as was I. So I took the tunnel to campus village to get things at the store. 2:32 p.m., June 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: And someone ate the cooling pudding, and there was no alcohol, so we were going straight from rolls to ice cream. 2:31 p.m., June 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The rehearsal dinner was in my parents' back yard, and was supposed to have multiple courses. But the oven broke. 2:28 p.m., June 03, 2012

Last night's dream: I guess it was sort of an alternate-reality take on how my wedding weekend could've gone, were my parents not divorced. 2:26 p.m., June 03, 2012

I've been inside too much. As we drove to the store, my thought was "Bushes! Swaying in the wind! How can I get more of this in my life?!" 4:46 p.m., June 02, 2012

Last night's dream: I set a bouquet of flowers upright in a toilet bowl. Then my college friends flushed it, and it overflowed and flooded. 2:05 p.m., June 02, 2012

This morning, I was in the kind of mood where "11:30" became "!!:30" in my notes. 6:54 p.m., June 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: She started off looking for suspects and ended up looking for—and finding—a hot girly threesome instead. 12:11 p.m., June 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: She was a secret agent with the cops; when she realized the guy's apartment had nylon walls, she busted through. 12:09 p.m., June 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: A former coworker—the former me, so to speak—now had a dashboard covered in Cardinals players' pics and red LEDs. 12:07 p.m., June 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Some fair was held in my old back yard and beyond, with a major police presence. The police interrogated a guy. 12:05 p.m., June 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I set up my standing desk in the middle of my work office and put some kind of futuristic video-game setup on it. 12:03 p.m., June 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I put back the coins I'd grabbed and touched the curb for luck. I wasn't going to kiss it, blarney shrine or not. 12:01 p.m., June 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: There were silver dollars, a shell marked $50, paper money, tiny photos... It turned out to be a blarney shrine. 12:00 p.m., June 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Walking to a plane, where weight concerns meant I had to leave behind my purse of pennies, I saw coins on a curb. 11:57 a.m., June 01, 2012

Last night's dream: My boss was sad—as in depressed—and hadn't shaved or showered in days. He was telling me about it, but got interrupted. 11:54 a.m., June 01, 2012

Apparently I haven't missed anything on the Internet; all anyone seems to be talking about is that guy who ate the other guy's face. 1:03 a.m., June 01, 2012

@satellitehigh Yeah, some of the hilarity is surely unintentional. Then again, I definitely see the influence of 10 years of zombie movies. 12:58 a.m., June 01, 2012

@satellitehigh Diablo III is hilarious—I don't know how much of it is meant to be funny, but I started laughing within the first 10 minutes. 12:40 a.m., June 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Oh, right, and I also sat next to a former work enemy at lunch and felt...nothing! I felt absolved of all anger. 12:58 p.m., May 31, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke with Fountains of Wayne's "Hey Julie" in my head. http://t.co/5VERZqHf 12:17 p.m., May 31, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: When I got downstairs, he asked me what gum he'd gotten from me—Orbit Wildberry Remix—because it was so awesome. 12:12 p.m., May 31, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: While my husband was taking out the trash, I went downstairs following a silver frog covered in dots and swirls. 12:10 p.m., May 31, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Chasing after a supremely dumb dog, I managed to slam my wallet in a car door, cracking the edge of a debit card. 12:09 p.m., May 31, 2012

Last night's dream: A guy wanted to take a helicopter up, then wanted to drive his new car into a McDonald's, just to show 'em who's boss. 12:04 p.m., May 31, 2012

Last night's dream: A white cat (probably related to Spider Jerusalem's) was living in a tin of white flour. @warrenellis 5:46 a.m., May 31, 2012

The things you do when you pick up a gun—point it away from yourself, check the chamber, click stuff back into place—also apply to staplers. 5:44 a.m., May 31, 2012

As messed up as I may be, at least I'm not the guy I swerved to avoid, riding a bike the wrong way on Olive Boulevard, talking on his cell. 2:55 a.m., May 31, 2012

Inexplicably, it smells like beer in our office. "Sweat of the damned," I told @voltarine. 5:03 p.m., May 30, 2012

What my voicemail message should say: "Be human. Talk to the machine." 6:57 p.m., May 29, 2012

Is it human nature to want to taunt the beast you've just beaten? 6:02 p.m., May 29, 2012

Even earlier in the week, I found myself driving to work behind a truck carrying six Johnnys on the Spot. It felt like some kind of omen. 4:54 a.m., May 27, 2012

En route to see @ryansechrest Wednesday, we saw a helicopter hovering overhead—right above a sign saying "FOCUS ON THE ROAD / MODOT CARES." 4:49 a.m., May 27, 2012

The kind of week it's been: On a walk with my brother earlier, I found a double-blank domino. 4:44 a.m., May 27, 2012

Driving down the street where one sign's been amended to "SPEED LIMIT 80," I saw an upside down "ONE WAY" sign. Those old whippersnappers... 4:42 a.m., May 27, 2012

Last night's dream: An iridescent blue–winged girl the size of a matchbox told me what's what. She didn't have a very high opinion of me... 3:17 p.m., May 26, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: Ryan Howard and @k1mothy were in the swim yoga class. I awoke with Dixie Chicks' "Cowboy Take Me Away" in my head. 8:24 a.m., May 26, 2012

Tonight's dream: I joined the office water yoga class, and when I dove under everyone, I found the bouquet of red roses on the pool bottom. 8:21 a.m., May 26, 2012

Overheard at Target: "I ain't playin'; no L-O-L." 1:28 p.m., May 25, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Before that, we cut corners on making a work graph—our willingness to do so being what was measured by the graph! 12:13 p.m., May 25, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: At home earlier, I'd held in my hand raw data—a rougey, iridescent powder—extracted from subjects by @jcooperman. 12:06 p.m., May 25, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: He pulled out a handgun for shooting practice, and I yelled to stop—taking potshots was really ill-advised there. 12:02 p.m., May 25, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: He also drove through the border, and we could hear the pops of gunfire behind him. Ugh! Now we were both stuck. 11:59 a.m., May 25, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I was horrified by having dogs fetch leaking batteries, so I tried to choose shiny ones. Then my husband arrived. 11:57 a.m., May 25, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Hopped up on ghosts, we spent time throwing old batteries (they were all over at the park) for the dog to fetch. 11:55 a.m., May 25, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: This was bad—we'd been experimenting with having ghosts circulate in our blood and coexist with us. They dove in. 11:53 a.m., May 25, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My brother and I sat at a picnic table with two.Canadian kids; then we went to their mom's house. She had ghosts. 11:50 a.m., May 25, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Driving, I took a wrong turn on the highway into militarized Canada, straight through a big Yemeni border patrol. 11:48 a.m., May 25, 2012

Last night's dream: My brother was just trying to buy film at Walmart; my husband and I had just been trying to cook with our smoky stove. 11:45 a.m., May 25, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: It seems it was a three-ex night; I also spotted my Google ex at one point, evolving in realtime from a longhair. 11:42 a.m., May 24, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My husband helped me carry my trunks and bags, talking about seeing our nephews later—obviously this was my army! 11:28 a.m., May 24, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: He'd walked down from the common room of the "Berry Brigade," as he called it, where he'd made me breakfast. Duh! 11:21 a.m., May 24, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My filmmaker ex was in that line, but I was making friends and was still gonna join... And then I saw my husband. 11:18 a.m., May 24, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I donned a gray-and-maroon T-shirt and got in line with that army, which was @jcooperman's army of choice. 11:15 a.m., May 24, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: First I joined up with the black T-shirts. But there was a dispute in line, and I heard my cartoonist ex's name. 11:13 a.m., May 24, 2012

Last night's dream: In the Flag Day war at school, I ended up switching armies three times, like a good mercenary, before it even began. 11:10 a.m., May 24, 2012

My new favorite Yahoo! Answer: "alcohol dose not taste good / mix to make it taste." http://t.co/trK0BCII 4:07 a.m., May 23, 2012

On Amazon next to a listing for the fab "My Faith in Frankie": "Sell Back Your Copy For a $0.27 Gift Card." Um, even if I owned it, hell no? 4:05 a.m., May 23, 2012

Weird—@voltarine and I just heard a long, hollow trumpeting sound from outside that sounded almost exactly like the smoke monster in "Lost." 4:25 p.m., May 22, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: On my way out that hazy late afternoon, I saw Ricky from "My So-Called Life," then @daranciang. I shuffled past. 12:11 p.m., May 22, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I hung half out of my desk, slumped over the top, letting gravity pull me; what did it matter? He didn't love me. 12:09 p.m., May 22, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: There he was with his smirking friend, right across the table from me. And unlike me, he didn't have to be there. 12:07 p.m., May 22, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I didn't care—I was mostly just numb and hazy and tired of caring about the new-age boy. I got sent to detention. 12:06 p.m., May 22, 2012

Last night's dream: I probably had two, three different backpack/gym clothes sets in lockers in the halls and locker rooms of high school. 12:04 p.m., May 22, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke with Miike Snow's "Paddling Out" in my head. "You...say...isn't it hard?" http://t.co/0VtGlJNN 12:26 p.m., May 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Sorry, @k1mothy, for alternately ignoring and distracting you; I just got pulled in too many directions at once. 12:20 p.m., May 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Just as I pulled a shirt on, my mother burst in, ready to have dinner with us. The bed was suddenly full of food. 12:17 p.m., May 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Laughing, I spilled the glowing larvae on our hotel-room bed. Bits of firefly got stuck to me, so I washed off. 12:15 p.m., May 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My husband and I, for some reason, had firefly larvae in a bag in our fridge; when it fell out, it began glowing. 12:12 p.m., May 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My father began giving talks to science classes—including mine, though I wasn't there to see it—about his MRSA. 12:09 p.m., May 21, 2012

Last night's dream: I was busy failing science, forgetting reeds for band, ignoring my mother, and talking endlessly re: a childhood crush. 12:07 p.m., May 21, 2012

Last night's dream: A tiger had begun escaping his exhibit each night; I got tapped for tiger patrol with some coworkers and family members. 3:55 p.m., May 20, 2012

Feeling faint, I finally got to McDonald's—and got stuck in the drive-through behind a woman who refused to move until she got her smoothie. 6:05 a.m., May 20, 2012

Then I hit the creepiest gas station ever, where I pumped 5 cents of gas before learning the tank was dry. The receipt that came out? Blank. 6:01 a.m., May 20, 2012

By the time I left the house tonight to get something to eat, after spending the day on a Windows 7 install, "outside" felt utterly unreal. 5:58 a.m., May 20, 2012

After setting up Windows 7 on a new iMac, I heard an ice-cream truck rounding the block and thought some new program must be making sounds. 9:34 p.m., May 19, 2012

Last night's dream: There was a guy named Gamble Turner, and also Principal Death. 1:22 p.m., May 19, 2012

Buffy's skin is the same color as the manila back of the notebook she's carrying. Now someone's boiling a doll... #buffythevampireslayer 3:18 a.m., May 19, 2012

What did feel good today: When the guy ringing me up at the Apple store told me I should go check out Apple's jobs page when I got home. : ) 12:29 a.m., May 19, 2012

Updating the URL of a new doll store, a variant on the Rifleman's Creed popped into my head: "There are many like it, but this one is ours." 8:16 p.m., May 18, 2012

Today's scent: Poolside refreshment stand. Today's mantra: Just be cool. 1:52 p.m., May 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke with Tinted Windows' "Messing with My Head" in my head. http://t.co/c8w8bJtO 12:23 p.m., May 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Those front-closet mice from a previous dream were back, too, though I didn't manage to crush any this time. 12:17 p.m., May 18, 2012

Last night's dream: Brian Krakow was there, and I was angry Angela—but I was mostly angry because now the map I drew on a napkin was broken. 12:15 p.m., May 18, 2012

Email excerpt of the day: "WE ARE BACK IN NYC ALSO WORLD WIDE WITH ALL OUR YACHTS..." Because, y'know, we do lozza photo shoots on yachts. 6:23 p.m., May 16, 2012

Last night's dream: I had a koala, and in between feeding it, keeping it away from monkeys, etc., I set down and lost my purse in Target. 12:05 p.m., May 16, 2012

Everything's local to somewhere, but if you send me an email titled "LOCAL BUSINESS PITCH" and it's not about a St. Louis business—DELETED. 8:16 p.m., May 15, 2012

Overheard at the Galleria: "...you were sleeping, and they woke you up to take that money away." 5:16 p.m., May 15, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: But the lifestyle and technolust were also getting people killed. What did I want to know about living like that? 12:14 p.m., May 15, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I felt a lot of self-loathing and despair for not meeting my potential, for not having a Tony Stark lifestyle. 12:12 p.m., May 15, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: At very least, I was able to hold things for her while she swallowed her anger and treated a suspect's wounds. 12:10 p.m., May 15, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: But then things started happening. A paramedic/agent friend caught The Rock kidnapping extraordinary children. 12:07 p.m., May 15, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: What was I doing there anyway? I was supposed to be rehearsing a play, and I couldn't stop geeking out about GBV. 12:06 p.m., May 15, 2012

Last night's dream: Being at a major tech product-launch rally was like standing on the edge of the world looking in as others lived fully. 12:04 p.m., May 15, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: But at last, we were on the other side, where we would live in a visitors' lounge with our favorite rap group. 1:01 p.m., May 14, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Then a lone engine crested the rise—and had me in its sights. But magic happened, and we managed to make it past. 12:59 p.m., May 14, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I slung a blond boy over my shoulder and Jane and I made a run for it, cutting across the bay on a Metro tressel. 12:57 p.m., May 14, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: At one point, it was either carry wounded kids out of a hospital or make a break for it. Cursing, I did both. 12:55 p.m., May 14, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: There were so many accidents on the roads, it was getting easier to skirt them and not be followed by irate cops. 12:54 p.m., May 14, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The police and robots began a roundup of all dissidents, using Metro trains to corral them. We needed to escape. 12:52 p.m., May 14, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I felt ill (as I do in real life) and knew it was from drinking (not so in real life). I'd driven there drunk. 12:48 p.m., May 14, 2012

Last night's dream: I went over to Jane Lane's house and accidentally spilled beer (from the open glasses in my bag) onto my clean T-shirts. 12:45 p.m., May 14, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Shouts interrupted my reverie—it was already happening! It was too late. My blonde high-school god would fall. 2:03 p.m., May 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: So he took to the Chute with the bottle—and the water gun. And when he emerged and threatened my now-boyfriend... 2:01 p.m., May 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: This was the day the coach learned of his drinking problems, and he got cut to a short start. He'd been a star. 1:58 p.m., May 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I KNEW the headbands were retro—we'd gone back in time to my junior year of high school, the night Tony got shot. 1:56 p.m., May 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Anthony—Tony?—was in the Chute with a buddy, guzzling vodka from a clear machine-gun water gun. And I remembered. 1:54 p.m., May 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I said we should leave, but my boyfriend wanted to stay and see what happened—he thought he'd heard of this guy. 1:52 p.m., May 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: It was Anthony, they said; he'd locked himself in the Chute and wouldn't come out for the past three hours or so. 1:50 p.m., May 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: As we neared the high school, we heard shouting by the athletic fields. We asked two headbanded guys what was up. 1:48 p.m., May 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We were having a good time; he was showing me how he would rustle up pheasants by rushing pigeons along the path. 1:46 p.m., May 13, 2012

Last night's dream: It was Halloween, and I was walking with a boyfriend of five years down leaf-strewn paths close to the old high school. 1:44 p.m., May 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The final insult was to be stuck in high-school social studies—and to realize I hadn't yet gone through calculus. 1:53 p.m., May 12, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I was charmed by the new setting, but I was missing the concert of the year; soon, students were streaming back. 1:49 p.m., May 12, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Those issues aside, I was also living in a dorm room that was part of a set of interconnected little town houses. 1:47 p.m., May 12, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My first issue had font issues when test-printed—and my former roommate's scanner was very particular, let's say. 1:44 p.m., May 12, 2012

Last night's dream: I started to work on a local newspaper run by a Puck-like trickster and his father out of a tiny cobblestone storefront. 1:36 p.m., May 12, 2012

This version of "Crocker's Favorite Song" almost feels like a cover of GBV by someone like Adam Schlesinger. Kicky! http://t.co/3VN941pT 8:53 p.m., May 11, 2012

OK, Microsoft Word, I know the story I'm editing is about food on a stick, but I really did mean "And when," not "wand when." 3:51 p.m., May 11, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I hated to deny the disturbed teen a puppy, but it wasn't mine to give, so I got it back and got out of the mud. 12:33 p.m., May 11, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: When I opened the front door again, the puppy was gone. I tromped outside and found a teenage boy clutching him. 12:31 p.m., May 11, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: In a wrenching moment, I crushed the mouse with a heavy bowl, then turned to crush the centipede(s?) in the bag. 12:29 p.m., May 11, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: As soon as the puppy was outside, a mouse emerged from the closet and a big centipede poked out of a garment bag. 12:26 p.m., May 11, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: In a bid to become more human, my father had gotten a beagle puppy. I let it out in the front yard—and disaster! 12:24 p.m., May 11, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: In retrospect, I should've just gracefully admitted that they were cheap sandals and set them aside to return. 12:21 p.m., May 11, 2012

Last night's dream: I got two pairs of cushy, colorful sandals—which my husband accidentally ripped by stepping on and biting, respectively. 12:19 p.m., May 11, 2012

I sure hope our building's mailbox is watertight (and my mail from yesterday was picked up), 'cause a landscaping sprinkler is soaking it. 5:50 p.m., May 10, 2012

I've started imagining PR pitches as short interpretive dances. This one about an "internatl model search"? Jazz hands + "Models!" for sure. 3:45 p.m., May 10, 2012

Today is National Shrimp Day. Too bad all I can think about when I read that is how much #bpcares. http://t.co/tjLgZ1Kw 2:53 p.m., May 10, 2012

If I were in PR, I'd be suspicious of anyone who actually wanted to write about my press release re: some "strategic licensing partnership." 2:16 p.m., May 10, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The boy had escaped one night, years ago—but now he'd returned to enact vengeance on the witch and her courtiers. 12:47 p.m., May 10, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: But when it was time for her ball, with new employees making Flash slideshows about her in tribute, Revenge came. 12:42 p.m., May 10, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The pale cutting boys were just happy to have the breath of life, however long (or short) a time it might last. 12:40 p.m., May 10, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The boys grown from cuttings in her chemical swamp took the place of 3-D modeling software, posing for pictures. 12:39 p.m., May 10, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: A coworker of mine, let's say, was the evil empress who demanded these bodily sacrifices, ordering new boys made. 12:36 p.m., May 10, 2012

Last night's dream: The boy and his two brothers lived in a dungeon, where they were chained up and made to give up cuttings for new boys. 12:34 p.m., May 10, 2012

@Heckadecimal I also did that. It was great (both the dinner and the having friends cook it for us). Friends are nice. 3:16 a.m., May 10, 2012

This morning a guy in a little red convertible got mad at me 'cause I was there, so he couldn't cut over to cut off a dump truck and a semi. 3:09 a.m., May 10, 2012

"...the Lincoln and its T-bone taillights..." 3:04 a.m., May 10, 2012

Misread: "Plague viburnum," a.k.a. Prague viburnum. But plague bushes—are those something I could order at a local nursery? 8:29 p.m., May 08, 2012

So this guy talking about the "womens" is a moron, but since when are iPhones allowed on the table on debate shows? http://t.co/SckhHH1n 6:30 p.m., May 08, 2012

For a second, I misread this as "The Magnetic Fields, quick!" Could The Magnetic Fields save your life? http://t.co/OE1XTzz9 @Awl 6:28 p.m., May 08, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Yet there he was, angrily ignoring me. His new comics site was http://t.co/Bs64yuXB (available in real life!). 6:27 p.m., May 08, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: At the airport, with its giant express escalators, we were meeting my husband's father and my mother, not my ex. 11:55 a.m., May 08, 2012

Last night's dream: The offices at work were consolidating; one editor would share space with the publisher. The rest of us would shuffle. 11:52 a.m., May 08, 2012

@sambosambo Well, I feel like crawling after eating leftover pasta and two éclairs—but no, I didn't deliberately set out on a dessert crawl. 7:25 p.m., May 07, 2012

The first thing I heard on getting into the car to get dessert: an AP report about rising obesity. Like I wasn't already conflicted enough! 6:39 p.m., May 07, 2012

Misread: "I think purebred guppies are in high demand..." That would be puppies; no one wants more guppies! 1:01 p.m., May 06, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: This stalk would know too much, by virtue of recording a fast-forwarded alternation of reality by the Yeti man. 12:27 p.m., May 06, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: While stalks could lie, this stalk would recall the truth of our shared vision, the future born of manipulation. 12:24 p.m., May 06, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I was looking for the stalk that had been there the night I was shown too much, when time was being manipulated. 12:22 p.m., May 06, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The stalks could remember their origins, but they could also lie. The game was in recognizing which were lying. 12:20 p.m., May 06, 2012

Last night's dream: The stalks on the island had big round tops with a pattern of lotus pod–like holes that were an interface of some sort. 12:18 p.m., May 06, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: Earlier, when I was still at work, I bounced a coworker's baby girl and attempted to teach her the times table. 9:22 a.m., May 06, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: I'd never seen this many kids at a school-sponsored happy hour. Nor had I seen the new modular, soft T-shirt stairs. 8:59 a.m., May 06, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: I hesitated (did I want to walk home alone drunk?), then joined the kids—including a coworker—gleefully sneaking in. 8:56 a.m., May 06, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: I went to a happy hour at my alma mater, where every student could get one glass of wine. I was amused by the limit. 8:51 a.m., May 06, 2012

Tonight's dream: My boss was staying late at work, per usual—but this time, it was to finish downloading some music for a coworker. Weird... 8:47 a.m., May 06, 2012

Cat's-eye marbles are one thing. But someone should make cat-colored marbles, like marmalade-cat marbles or gray-tabby marbles. #lazyweb 12:36 a.m., May 06, 2012

"$36.69 for sun-dried tomatoes? I won't pay that." http://t.co/nAXa4BIk 11:45 p.m., May 04, 2012

Not to bag on anyone's art, but at first glance, this looks like a skull: http://t.co/lbXEcILw 9:20 p.m., May 04, 2012

On my Android phone, the website for Battleship is all black, except for a single word in white at upper left: "Battleship." This is mobile? 9:13 p.m., May 04, 2012

I just had a moment of silence in my right ear—tinnitus. RIP, MCA. 7:05 p.m., May 04, 2012

I wish our work voicemail wouldn't leave me a voicemail about deleting a voicemail. Doesn't that defeat the entire purpose of deleting one? 2:26 p.m., May 04, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Earlier, we found a grand piano–shaped synth with keyboards on at least three sides—e.g., drum, guitar, and bass. 12:48 p.m., May 04, 2012

Last night's dream: In the tiny village on the mountain, all the best escape routes are up, not into the valley. There are rockets up there. 12:42 p.m., May 04, 2012

A measure of quality: Shoes grippy enough to trip over in the dark. 1:02 p.m., May 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Step 2 (at least on my part): Make out with one of the shirtless, sleek, strong killers and disarm him that way. 12:18 p.m., May 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: @k1mothy's and my cryptic task: Given a basket of items, could we defeat killers? Step 1: Put out a green towel. 12:15 p.m., May 03, 2012

Last night's dream: @k1mothy gave me never-before-seen videos of my wedding. In one clip, a Gandalf-like figure whirls me up out of a crowd. 12:04 p.m., May 03, 2012

To my accidental texting friend: I love the pic you sent of two people dressed for a carnival (or prom), but why are their eyes blurred out? 3:45 a.m., May 03, 2012

At a time when the Internet has become the primary distribution medium for new music, isn't it interesting just how local music is becoming? 12:10 a.m., May 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: What I wondered: Is this phone-charging cord one of the ones that's safe for a bath? But those don't exist, neh? 11:50 a.m., May 02, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I went to a strange Western small town and became an infertile couple's, uh, surrogate, with some weird jealousy. 11:43 a.m., May 02, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The real present was the one where the production manager had a buzz cut and the office had development classes. 11:41 a.m., May 02, 2012

Last night's dream: The present I thought I was living in at work was just a flashback to the longhaired past, with typewriters AND iMacs. 11:36 a.m., May 02, 2012

Oh, those poor people born with the name Jeffery, rather than Jeffrey. It's gotta be hard for them... 2:30 p.m., May 01, 2012

Email subject line of the day: "People Miserably Fail Local Mother's Day Alzheimer's Quiz." That might not be the most diplomatic message... 1:38 p.m., May 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Oh, and I found the next big thing: a textured rainbow spiderweb sweater with bell sleeves, a.k.a. Rayanne chic. 12:13 p.m., April 30, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: And later, on foot, I ended up plunging into a river or moat between me and a big factory/industrial site. Yay... 12:10 p.m., April 30, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I tried to stop a semi I was driving before an intersection at the bottom of a hill, but instead drove through. 12:07 p.m., April 30, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I learned of some shadiness: A local businessman was donating $230,000 a year to a political cause or candidate. 12:05 p.m., April 30, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The teen returned several other pairs of my shoes: some wrinkled gold leather high-tops, red leather clogs... 12:03 p.m., April 30, 2012

Last night's dream: I finished the morning's work by 10:30 a.m. and ran errands. A coworker's daughter gave me back my neon-yellow shoes. 12:01 p.m., April 30, 2012

Misread: "Recommend me smart films that celebrate abdominal romance." A.k.a. bare midriffs? Sexy crunches? (The actual word was "abnormal.") 9:29 p.m., April 29, 2012

Almost the entirety of a rather vague commercial on the radio just now: "The St. Louis Public Schools are now enrolling future leaders!" 8:44 p.m., April 29, 2012

My stomach's gurgling sounded like I was leveling up on an old-school Game Boy with low batteries. Oop—that last gurgle sounded like I died. 6:58 p.m., April 29, 2012

Oddly, I've bought two nonworking books this past month. One, from Google Play, wouldn't open; the other, a physical book, had bad binding. 4:48 p.m., April 29, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I held up the school bus a while doing that; meanwhile, Brian Krakow fell in love with me for my book choices. 3:44 p.m., April 29, 2012

Last night's dream: The bathroom stalls were just sheets of material stretched taut around your "lane" before you stood to pee on the grass. 3:40 p.m., April 29, 2012

Every time I see @xkcd's favicon out of the corner of my eye, my brain reads it as a QR code. Too bad my brain can't actually read QR codes. 4:41 a.m., April 29, 2012

OK, Google, I know I was looking up Speedball Super Black ink, but that doesn't mean I wanted the entire search results page to be black. 1:17 a.m., April 28, 2012

OK, phone, I know you're a computer and all, but I really do mean "of them," not "if then." 7:34 p.m., April 28, 2012

Just when I thought my day couldn't get any more pathetic, I got this text: "Happy Shabbat? Do you have any pictures of worms on sidewalks?" 6:53 p.m., April 28, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: One race of kids, the Baggies, had exceptionally baggy skin, and so were ostracized, despite other similarities. 4:23 p.m., April 28, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My father and I had a knife-and-scissors battle; I won, gruesomely, and my brother came after me for vengeance. 4:21 p.m., April 28, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Jin from Lost cooked burgers, egg-and-cheese sandwiches, and chicken-fried steaks while yearning to draw comics. 4:19 p.m., April 28, 2012

Last night's dream: A once-sick friend called/emailed: 1. She was moving back to town and 2. The first woman from our class, D.S., was dead. 4:16 p.m., April 28, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: @yeahlikethat left her cat leash behind when she vacated my base; I almost used it to corral an orange tabby. 12:35 p.m., April 27, 2012

Last night's dream: When I changed my view in Gmail, it changed my VR view, too. I tried the Star Wars theme before switching to a LEGO one. 12:33 p.m., April 27, 2012

This is just one reason why Twitter's a poor medium for chat. Dude trying to do a Q&A gets inundated by camgirls. http://t.co/jid80Bb1 8:04 p.m., April 26, 2012

Does anyone besides this guy (http://t.co/vcocAdnX) do the "courier in a suit" thing? No? There's your business idea for the day. #stl 6:59 p.m., April 26, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke with Come's "Recidivist" in my head—http://t.co/Ocl2CTCI—probably per this: http://t.co/XwZRrPf1 12:01 p.m., April 26, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: But I took the chairs from their table 'cause they were clearly not in use, whereas others might be reserved. 11:54 a.m., April 26, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The table of older individuals (maybe a minyan) was offended—it seems I should've taken chairs from empty tables. 11:51 a.m., April 26, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: @k1mothy was there, and we'd been swimming earlier. Since it was my party, I grabbed chairs from the next table. 11:45 a.m., April 26, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Then a cast of characters—some of whom I didn't even know, others I only knew from work—gathered around a table. 11:42 a.m., April 26, 2012

Last night's dream: My husband, my brother, an ex, and I all got together for a horror-movie night in a supernatural-seeming banquet hall. 11:39 a.m., April 26, 2012

@alexismadrigal @catsonmacs Do you have any of your cat on a Mac? 1:40 a.m., April 26, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke with Jewel's "Foolish Games" blaring in my head. 9:34 a.m., April 25, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: And congrats, nocturnal old friend—when you messaged me before bed you got a one-way ticket to the dream trolley. 9:29 a.m., April 25, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We deserved it; it had been an exhausting day, as we dodged a trolley driven by Morgan Freeman between highways. 9:25 a.m., April 25, 2012

Thing I apparently crave in my dreams: cheap dark chocolate–drenched peanut butter wafers, which we shared while making a shopping list. 9:17 a.m., April 25, 2012

My editor (entirely in the email subject line): "Is X in rounds?" Me: "Nope, it still isnt'!" Editor: "She's print it now." #notdoingitright 2:12 a.m., April 25, 2012

@anniezaleski Oh, me too! It's just so weird. Like when the teacher quizzes them on experimental principles while they're dissecting hearts. 1:41 a.m., April 25, 2012

In other news, of COURSE Jordan Catalano is wearing jeans in gym class. Cool kids don't dress out. #mysocalledlife 1:32 a.m., April 25, 2012

Early in "My So-Called Life," Angela wishes for a defining moment like the Kennedy assassination. This is so pre-Columbine, so pre-9/11... 1:21 a.m., April 25, 2012

Good, KSDK updated "a Molotov Cocktail- type of a pipe bomb" to "an unknown object on fire." http://t.co/V3rmIuau #knowyourbombtype #stl 12:20 a.m., April 24, 2012

It seems fitting that a song by a musician named Miike Snow would have stuttering, glitchy beats. http://t.co/fWuZLuO3 12:14 a.m., April 24, 2012

The new hazard symbols all look sufficiently scary—except the "gas under pressure" one, which looks like a paddle. http://t.co/rcf8BJZ8 3:00 a.m., April 23, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We passed a Halloween-themed ski-and-snowboard area, with a guy in a penguin costume with glowing green LED eyes. 4:04 p.m., April 22, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Driving home, we saw the weirdest green-and-yellow sky; I used a camera filter that made it look like claymation. 4:01 p.m., April 22, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My parents were gauche; hers, tensely gracious, though oyster soup and a pineapple cup was an odd dinner choice. 3:59 p.m., April 22, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Then we went to dinner at an old MSA friend's house; her parents were actually Angela's from "My So-Called Life." 3:53 p.m., April 22, 2012

Last night's dream: They demolished the old high-rise, glass-windowed middle school we all went to; no one knew where the kids would go now. 3:51 p.m., April 22, 2012

I just rewatched my top movie of all time, "High Fidelity," starring my top actor of all time, @johncusack, in honor of Record Store Day. ♥! 10:48 p.m., April 21, 2012

A day ago I dreamed of a future where the police could scan diamond rings. I opened @wired and saw an ad for diamonds inscribed with codes. 2:24 a.m., April 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Finally, I found my husband and the pizza shop I loved, with shelves of wrapped slices—though they did short us. 12:35 p.m., April 20, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I ran into a composer @k1mothy knew, but I was shocked to realize he had no nose; his glasses had a post instead. 12:28 p.m., April 20, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I went into a warren of back-street shops, open to the street on both ends, to buy a souvenir shirt to cover up. 12:25 p.m., April 20, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I sat down to wait, wearing just underwear, until some guy's kid asked why I wasn't doing my job—turning tricks. 12:22 p.m., April 20, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: After that, though, my husband was actually with me again...until he got peeled off to go into a registry bureau. 12:19 p.m., April 20, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: "Babe"? The guy with his arm around me was the ex after that one. Agh! We walked until we could see my old dorms. 12:17 p.m., April 20, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: "That was not how I wanted to see him again," I said. "I look like such a skag!" "Aw, no, you look great, babe." 12:15 p.m., April 20, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I saw him before he saw me and turned away; I was wearing sleep clothes, with unbrushed teeth. But he spotted me. 12:09 p.m., April 20, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: In L.A., walking through a shopping district near USC with my husband, I saw my film-major ex from high school. 12:06 p.m., April 20, 2012

Last night's dream: Before getting married I had an sleepover with an awkward coworker's kid sisters and family (but not actually with her). 12:04 p.m., April 20, 2012

Of COURSE the first time our lucky intern nervously drove out to pick something up for us, the fire alarm went off as soon as he got there. 8:57 p.m., April 19, 2012

Video-game strategy to avoid people with no self-control: If I don't want to auto-trigger whatever they might say, I don't enter the room. 3:11 p.m., April 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Photos I shot on my phone were automatically offered for sale to the people in the photo—convenient, but creepy. 12:21 p.m., April 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Back out on the street, friends and I went to the carnival, where we ran into my old electronic mentor entity. 12:18 p.m., April 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: She programmed me to be purged—for a fast elimination cycle during which my urination would go into the red zone. 12:17 p.m., April 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My joy was short-lived—an officer tried to scan me, but I had no serial number in my diamond, no chip in my hand. 12:15 p.m., April 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I heard radio chatter and saw the stars; I thought of my aerospace-engineer friend who brought ponies up there. 12:10 p.m., April 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Waiting for my friend to come back, I took a deliberate turn out onto the launch roof, so I could see the sky. 12:06 p.m., April 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont. We walked over to the neighborhood launch station to find stuff to do. Women kept their wallets down their pants. 12:04 p.m., April 19, 2012

Last night's dream: In the future, the neighborhood where I was visiting old friends got hit by an electromagnetic pulse, disabling our car. 12:02 p.m., April 19, 2012

Are they watching a documentary upstairs, or is that just how they talk up there? 4:02 a.m., April 19, 2012

Stuff like @brendlewhat's "maid series" is a good reminder—"Oh yeah, Twitter isn't just a magical paradise of the enlightened techno-elite." 3:27 a.m., April 19, 2012

I end up having this thought process a lot: "I don't care who you are—X is dumb." A sign of healthy independence, or an inferiority complex? 3:15 a.m., April 19, 2012

I hate it when people say "Music fans will like ___." Or "If you like music, you'll like ___." How about if you like living, you'll shut up? 3:09 a.m., April 19, 2012

The Internet is a lovely, all-embracing, all-providing womb, but depicting a router as a uterus may be a bit much. http://t.co/HB9zofUq 3:03 a.m., April 19, 2012

Mark Twain spam: "Hes plumb crazy, sI; its what I says in thefust place, its what I says in the middle, n its what I says last nall thetime" 11:04 p.m., April 18, 2012

Misread: "To John P. [B.], City Manager From Hell." A.k.a. "To: John P. [B.], City Manager From: Kelli L..." 6:52 p.m., April 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My sister-in-law's part-time aide asked me for guidance; in fluffing a body pillow, she'd torn it—not a big deal. 12:46 p.m., April 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: As I ran the tunnel to that side of the bleachers after the shoot with a bunch of college kids, I found my phone. 12:44 p.m., April 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Finally, we went back for dessert, so my husband could open the chocolate-bar brick and coffee card I got him. 12:42 p.m., April 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I was yelled off by the paramedics; the photog still wanted to get a few last shots. Unbelievable, but typical. 12:40 p.m., April 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: It didn't go well—two sections of bleachers ahead of his collapsed sideways onto his. I screamed and rushed over. 12:37 p.m., April 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Between family dinner and dessert, my husband went out and sat in the bleachers for a panorama of all local men. 12:35 p.m., April 18, 2012

Last night's dream: On a vacation back east, I was shocked to see the sad, emaciated, sunken-eyed condition of one twentysomething relative. 12:33 p.m., April 18, 2012

My left leg is asleep. My right leg is cramped. #standingdeskfail 8:18 p.m., April 17, 2012

Standing in front of big windows all day reading means sometimes, it's hard to tell if a bug just flew by or I have a new floater in my eye. 6:41 p.m., April 17, 2012

I never thought I'd find myself correcting the spelling of the word "porkaliciousness." (To clarify: It's a word, but it was spelled wrong.) 6:20 p.m., April 17, 2012

@k1mothy Does that full sentence say "We found LightWizard19007 who lives in the future"? Because it should! 12:50 a.m., April 17, 2012

@k1mothy It took a couple tries, but I got a good one: LightWizard19007! "I put on my robe and wizard hat," and all that. 12:20 a.m., April 17, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: After we narrowly exited a tiny mall store with clouds puffing past the window, someone went with me to a warehouse. 11:01 a.m., April 16, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: They were talking in the front room of the old house, next to my sleeping husband's room. I shushed them. No dice. 10:57 a.m., April 16, 2012

Tonight's dream: Someone snuck in the front door, dragging furniture for us. It was my mother and aunt, who proceeded to talk all night. 10:54 a.m., April 16, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: The proprietor had other sets of things "that've very nearly passed from living memory," saved just for their power. 11:05 a.m., April 16, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: The fabricators had stiff lampshade fabrics and yards of other textiles that could work for our airship's canopies. 11:03 a.m., April 16, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I just wanted a good vacation... I woke with The Incurables' "Heart Grenade" in my head. http://t.co/tr97y5cx 12:25 p.m., April 12, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: And so this tool and his little brother wrecked the bride's and bridesmaids' dresses with a wine ornament trap. 12:11 p.m., April 12, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I wasn't interested in the guy for a second, but when someone can levitate, "taking care of it" is much harder. 12:08 p.m., April 12, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Then this bully with minor levitation powers decided he'd make me his. My husband told me to take care of it. 12:06 p.m., April 12, 2012

Last night's dream: First one of my bosses wouldn't leave me alone, treating me like her daughter. Then my father wouldn't leave me alone. 12:04 p.m., April 12, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Would they bother to go back and audit commands by ID? Apparently—one guy started into the log on a side screen. 12:15 p.m., April 11, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I hit the wrong thing on the projection screen's remote, switching the screen to golf during part of a guy's set. 12:12 p.m., April 11, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I won a prize for my guitar effort. Then the organizers projected a list of everyone's linked Google accounts. 12:10 p.m., April 11, 2012

Last night's dream: @k1mothy and I submitted MP3s to a contest where, when our song was played, we had to play along. Mine was my ringtone. 12:06 p.m., April 11, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: And no, Mom, the "retro" shag carpet and my choice of Formica coffee tables don't make up for being off homeworld. 10:26 a.m., April 10, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: As for my own transition, well, it's not easy when your mama's the marshall of Malagasy 5. 10:21 a.m., April 10, 2012

Tonight's dream: Mom had a sense of humor...that's why it was funny that she let daddy battle space tigers his first day on-settlement. 10:19 a.m., April 10, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: At the last second, I grabbed a handhold and pulled us back; bedraggled as we were, we would find a flight instead. 11:09 a.m., April 09, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: We decided to float downriver on a branch...which was all fun and games until we came to the start of the rapids. 11:07 a.m., April 09, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: An ex gave me a ride home in his old boat of a car; it was all fun and games until we cut through a logging site. 11:05 a.m., April 09, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: A lot of my Lego sets sat unopened, though, to my chagrin. I went out to the Friday-night campus dance...and danger. 11:03 a.m., April 09, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: I filled one with my clothes, shoes, etc., then moved on to Legos in another. My brother had an entire Lego room. 11:00 a.m., April 09, 2012

Tonight's dream: My brother and I had inherited a set of conference/meeting rooms in a local college library. We set about filling them... 10:58 a.m., April 09, 2012

Cool: Apparently my husband was also talking to our little cousins in his dream. 3:39 p.m., April 08, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Apparently when you grow microorganisms en masse, they form colorful shapes, like tables of tiny clay models. 3:37 p.m., April 08, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I said she knew so much more about it, she should probably write it. I went to look at what the lab was growing. 3:35 p.m., April 08, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: When I got to the lab at the bottom of the stairs, the new marketing chick wanted me to send out a health alert. 3:29 p.m., April 08, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: A queue of doctors had formed already when I left our conference room; I pardon-me'd past them all to catch up. 3:27 p.m., April 08, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: At work, we were to take a staff tour of my alma mater's bio labs. But I got left behind while putting on my pin. 3:25 p.m., April 08, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Those missing the witching tooth had the gift of Wicca; we'd be the first Wiccans in the family in generations. 3:24 p.m., April 08, 2012

Last night's dream: My little cousin and I were about to both be missing our lower left lateral incisor—the "witching tooth," it was called. 3:21 p.m., April 08, 2012

Going to the park is great; @k1mothy and I just saw an old guy prod two geese into the pond with his cane. 8:57 p.m., April 07, 2012

The first word my 10-year-old cousin played against me in Words With Friends was "SHAME"—as in the shame I'm going to feel when he beats me. 5:14 p.m., April 07, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: This was the kind of place where I was suspicious of every knothole in the bathrooms' pine walls. 3:41 p.m., April 07, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Hanging plates, like the scales of Justice, held coupons or, on one occasion, 600-credit cards care of a bellhop. 3:39 p.m., April 07, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Our motel wasn't upper-end, but it was interesting, with a dangerous covered dive pool and selling odd polyester. 3:36 p.m., April 07, 2012

Last night's second dream: We went to Vegas with friends and my brother, who first got left behind and later was worried about getting back. 3:33 p.m., April 07, 2012

Last night's first dream: My mother had turned confusingly inward; my father, I eviscerated in a horribly violent way. This dream sucked. 3:31 p.m., April 07, 2012

And I just misread "18 Rabbits" (a granola bar) as "18 Rabbis." Yay Passover. 6:04 p.m., April 06, 2012

I just misread "Portion Control" as "Poison Control." Why is it always about someone getting poisoned, in my mind? 5:03 p.m., April 06, 2012

@gatewaygroupie Oo, point. But...they were a couple, arm-in-arm. Couldn't they work out a system? Or maybe that IS the system. 2:30 p.m., April 06, 2012

Where do people go when they have Good Friday off? Target—one couple just asked if I was an employee, despite my blue shirt to the contrary. 2:21 p.m., April 06, 2012

"Molina Healthcare to lay off 119 in St. Louis" Nooo, Yadi! Oh, wait. #STL 8:25 p.m., April 05, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: I awoke with Smashing Pumpkins' "Shame" in my head. http://t.co/py2wcYiE 10:55 a.m., April 05, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: And that's when Mijra (or an alter ego du jour) walked up and said her husband owned a 14-bedroom house near campus. 10:43 a.m., April 05, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: Out there, an amazing lava-like sunset was lighting the distant hills and clouds. But I fumbled and missed the shot. 10:40 a.m., April 05, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: We'd been sorting recycling, and I was in underwear; I wanted a shower, too. But I came out on the back fire escape. 10:38 a.m., April 05, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: Back at home, @nancymcmullen22 saw the trash everywhere and invited me downstairs to watch a big game of some sort. 10:35 a.m., April 05, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: I whisper-apologized to Seinfeld. Then @yeahlikethat noticed: The apartment in the movie was laid out like mine! 10:33 a.m., April 05, 2012

Tonight's dream: I was annoyed by someone softly dictating a bitly link at a movie; I back-headbutted and found it was Jerry Seinfeld. 10:28 a.m., April 05, 2012

I accidentally started reading Ask MetaFilter as if it were a single thread, then immediately wondered why the first "answer" made no sense. 2:48 a.m., April 05, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: An older coworker asked a younger coworker to put $11 on her credit card. This upset her mom: "We only have $7!" 12:35 p.m., April 04, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Then it was marchin' time—only I didn't have all-black shoes, and we would only get our uniforms at the stadium. 12:08 p.m., April 04, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Once there, it was eatin' time. I made and dropped a bowl of ravioli; friends and relatives streamed in and out. 12:05 p.m., April 04, 2012

Last night's dream: On the way to where we were going I found an electronic thing, maybe just a personal fan, on the plane. I took it apart. 12:04 p.m., April 04, 2012

Every time Google Talk gives me an error I remember my anger at @Google and @AOL for the "deal" that killed AIM/Talk connectivity last year. 1:40 a.m., April 04, 2012

You're so vain, you probably think the song "Wonder" is about you. 1:28 a.m., April 04, 2012

Last night's dream: My husband had a sleepover birthday party in a meeting hall. The staff photographer turned Aussie and got a big truck. 1:27 a.m., April 04, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke with Lana Del Rey's "Blue Jeans" in my head. http://t.co/IvXo6hXk 12:13 p.m., April 02, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My husband wanted us to move to Nicaragua so he could teach there. When had he been planning to tell me this? 12:07 p.m., April 02, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I went home to take a nap and found a few things rearranged, like a toilet-seat cover made of gross burnt bread. 12:06 p.m., April 02, 2012

Last night's dream: On the first day of second semester of senior year, I cut afternoon classes to see a movie, as did most everyone else. 12:03 p.m., April 02, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke with Journey's "Lights" in my head and sunshine on the bed. 3:10 p.m., April 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: As my husband and I were driving home we went to a drugstore selling books with smiles replaced with bigger ones. 3:06 p.m., April 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Sixth, when we got to the gym, there was a hot pink–suited team wrestling match of some kind already in progress. 3:04 p.m., April 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Fifth, en route, Jenna Maroney got in a fight, while an old boss walked off with a hand down a coworker's jeans. 3:02 p.m., April 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Fourth, when it was movie time, @k1mothy insisted on watching her TV show. So we went to the nearby campus gym. 2:58 p.m., April 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Third, only maybe one person—not including me, the host—actually brought a dish for the potluck. That poor girl. 2:54 p.m., April 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Second, as an old friend complained, "Where are the condoms and lube?" I didn't know it was that kinda party... 2:51 p.m., April 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Let me chronicle its failures. First of all, the only alcohol was a handle of Jameson—no mixers or ice or cups. 2:49 p.m., April 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: It seems even in my dreams I'm unprepared for parties. This was a Halloween party, held in my brother's old room. 2:45 p.m., April 01, 2012

Last night's dream: I was working on a scheme to buy something without the owner knowing (shoulda called Saul!) when people began arriving. 2:43 p.m., April 01, 2012

My good deed for the day: saving a non-English-speaking woman from the fate of buying Egg Beaters to pour in her coffee. 7:43 p.m., March 31, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Earlier, @k1mothy and I were in a choir singing the end of Wilco's "Born Alone" and "A Clockwork Orange" suite. 2:11 p.m., March 31, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The townsfolk only came out at night to play; in the day, a dragon stalked them. Boys got sent on dragon duty. 12:43 p.m., March 31, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The map showed that this was Aquarium, a little fishbowl of a town. I realized we'd stumbled into a storybook. 12:40 p.m., March 31, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: They laughed and invited us to their movie night. When the film started, I walked out to find answers. Ah, a map! 12:38 p.m., March 31, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: It was getting dark, so I courtsied to the boys and said, "Do you mean to tell me I'll have to buy a house here?" 12:36 p.m., March 31, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: @nancymcmullen22 and I stopped in a little town, but the mechanic couldn't help...and no one would point us home. 12:35 p.m., March 31, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I drove a winding highway through rolling hills in Southern Illinois...only to notice weird errors on the dash. 12:31 p.m., March 31, 2012

Last night's dream: After hunting for discards with my husband and barely escaping out the window of my father's house, I went for a drive. 12:29 p.m., March 31, 2012

Apparently, like the Horrorpops song on @kdhx, teens are living "boot2boot" (and ignoring me when I tell them their $5 bill is falling out). 5:58 p.m., March 29, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: There was also a kid who couldn't have been more than 7 years old, who was a martial-arts and paragliding expert. 12:32 p.m., March 29, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I joined a group that was spectacularly adept at finding a (free) back way into any concert venue members wanted. 12:08 p.m., March 29, 2012

Last night's dream: A colleague passed away—and made it his mission to give us all a good scare on the way out by controlling electronics. 12:06 p.m., March 29, 2012

Overheard at Saint Louis Bread Company: "Stop callin' my house!" 3:32 p.m., March 28, 2012

@reitoeii I could also enable Analytics on my Apps account and switch it all over—but redoing my setup for multiple domains would be a pain. 3:10 p.m., March 28, 2012

@reitoeii I can access Analytics by signing out of all accounts, then signing back in with a regular Google account. But that's not ideal. 3:05 p.m., March 28, 2012

@reitoeii So when I go to Analytics and try to switch to my already-signed-in Google account, it just brings me back to an Apps error page. 3:02 p.m., March 28, 2012

@reitoeii Yeah, I have multiple sign-in enabled on both accounts and both are signed in. But I don't have Analytics on for the Apps account. 2:59 p.m., March 28, 2012

Re: the corporate duo, I've rarely heard two people talk so earnestly about percentages, incentive programs, compensation, and productivity. 2:49 p.m., March 28, 2012

The women next to me are all "academic sisterhood"; the duo in front of me, corporate mentor/mentee. This is what people are actually like? 2:44 p.m., March 28, 2012

Ugh. So my signed-in @googleapps account is keeping me from logging into @googleanalytics with an already-signed-in regular @Google account. 12:35 a.m., March 28, 2012

@sambosambo Continue to kill, or continue to dream? Or continue to dream about killing? 12:16 a.m., March 28, 2012

Apparently I'm not the only one who wants a Shazam for scents: http://t.co/giTQAvxR 12:14 a.m., March 28, 2012

RT @stlmag: We officially have 10,000 followers!! Thanks for your support St. Louis! Keep following us for more great content from STL Mag! 5:41 p.m., March 27, 2012

Actually, this would be a pretty good band name: Stop Naming Bands After Bears. 2:35 p.m., March 27, 2012

@sambosambo I think a little of both. Mostly the dead bodies in our apartment/the mall weren't my doing, but I think I did some killing too. 1:02 p.m., March 27, 2012

Getting a Barack Obama email just now titled "We had no idea" feels like an admonishment: "We had no idea your dreams were this messed up!" 12:59 p.m., March 27, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: To escape it all for a while—the rumors, the blood-soaked apartment—my husband and I went on a beach vacation. 12:55 p.m., March 27, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: What they didn't see was that it wasn't me—it was a hulking death machine of an ex who was set on killing me too! 12:53 p.m., March 27, 2012

Last night's dream: I was a serial killer again...and after I killed all those people with knives, almost no one would speak to me anymore. 12:06 p.m., March 27, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We sat around an open conference table and did a postmortem; that's where we noticed the missing $2,800 ad. Ugh. 3:06 p.m., March 25, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: That was where I learned the bad news: Large ads were missing or garbled on at least three pages of the magazine. 3:00 p.m., March 25, 2012

Last night's dream: At work, I was sent to an office by myself at the end of the hall, away from the rest of my department, so I'd be quiet. 2:58 p.m., March 25, 2012

In other voting news, apparently many Missourians registering to vote really were born yesterday...or, uh, today. http://t.co/rktJTnUG 3:24 a.m., March 25, 2012

Last time: "To Registerd Voter" (http://t.co/aF4O0m2B). This time: "Register Voter at" (http://t.co/SlLRwX6C). Not voting for you! 3:20 a.m., March 25, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I also dreamed at least once that I already tweeted this dream. 2:55 p.m., March 24, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke with Rick Springfield's "Jessie's Girl" in my head. 2:47 p.m., March 24, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: A college ex tried to woo me, even as I was having an engagement party for an ex-fiancé whose face I'd forgotten. 2:41 p.m., March 24, 2012

Last night's dream: I called on a spirit to help me borrow the right keys from an old high-school friend. All my old friends were in town. 2:37 p.m., March 24, 2012

Some moob at the theater: "Did you know you can drink a beer in this theater? Doesn't seem very Hunger Games–like, though." 1:14 a.m., March 24, 2012

There should be a badge for knowing the difference between Gustavian and Gustav Stickley furniture. #gamification 7:11 p.m., March 23, 2012

Every time I lift up my aluminum clipboard, it sounds like I'm unsheathing some immense reaver of flesh. 9:31 p.m., March 22, 2012

@aaronbelz Yet isn't it odd that baseball only defines a "hit" as contact with the ball that gets it past someone? I'd call any hit a hit! 9:18 p.m., March 22, 2012

Misheard on @kdhx: "They had really great porn arrangements." 2:07 p.m., March 22, 2012

Last night's dream: I ate some kid's greasy red vitamin from 2006, saying, "I guess if I don't have any other vitamins today, I'll be OK." 12:36 p.m., March 22, 2012

I ated the purple cookies. http://t.co/C32FPx9x 3:43 a.m., March 22, 2012

From: "Google Wage." Subject: "Reminder, Google Wave Sunsetting in 2012." With attention to detail like that, I can see why. #whyqamatters 4:52 p.m., March 20, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Once the band was introduced my "brushes" accomplice and I were yanked into the crowd, where Leno interviewed us. 12:37 p.m., March 20, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I wriggled my way into the band at a Leno taping, playing brushes (a.k.a. rhythmically mashing a dustpan brush). 12:34 p.m., March 20, 2012

Last night's dream: I was temporary roommates with my film-industry ex, with lusty drama. Then an engineer ex showed up, with more drama. 12:31 p.m., March 20, 2012

Misread: "In a bathroom filled with 1,000 heavyweight thinkers..." A.k.a. ballroom. @stevenleckart 3:37 a.m., March 20, 2012

@daranciang I doubt they're lucid; I can't change the story, and I'm not thinking about it being a dream. I do make an effort to remember. 5:50 p.m., March 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I paid off two store employees for looking the other way ($10 each). Then we continued on through a ceramics lab. 12:52 p.m., March 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I ran into my husband and his former roommate—then mixed pumpkin pie in a jar in the store to cook later at home. 12:50 p.m., March 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We were nearly back to my car when I saw @nancymcmullen22. I helped her steal her eyes back from an eye villain. 12:47 p.m., March 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: After crawling backstage tunnels and skirting the edges of advertising dance shows, I found the dining editor. 12:43 p.m., March 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The Black Eyed Peas chose me as a sidekick, but it was getting dark, so I had to run home. There was trouble. 12:41 p.m., March 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I didn't think ahead, though, and wore my sunglasses out without bringing my glasses. It would prove disastrous. 12:39 p.m., March 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: That busted up the party I was having pretty effectively, so I left to go to the once-a-year carnival of delight. 12:36 p.m., March 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Of course, the only blood in the "spooky old house" was mine, from when I'd accidentally cut myself on scissors. 12:35 p.m., March 18, 2012

Last night's dream: Police decided to fulfill their career-long dream of searching the old house's basement, swabbing the floor for blood. 12:33 p.m., March 18, 2012

@nedroid In my neighborhood park, there was just a group of people—men and women both—wearing green dresses and standing around a U-Haul. 7:44 p.m., March 17, 2012

It appears that University City's Non Park is no more. I'm disappointed that I never got a photo of the sign. Anyone else in #STL have one? 7:08 p.m., March 17, 2012

For loops still throw me for a loop. 5:06 p.m., March 17, 2012

"The depiction of events in re My First Breakup in Last Night's Dream was wholly inaccurate. To be clear, I was not the initiating party." 2:05 p.m., March 17, 2012

Wow, I didn't even have to read past the subject line: "I would like to writte for your magazine" 2:59 p.m., March 14, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Back in something approximating real life, coworkers started making a list of things our boss should change. Joy! 12:30 p.m., March 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke briefly after I was nearly crushed into a medloc's wall of needles, like in a Death Star trash compactor. 12:28 p.m., March 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The trick was grabbing the right hypos and getting out of each medloc before it closed on your unauthorized ass. 12:23 p.m., March 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: In-game I was a washed-up dancer in need of body-forming drugs to regain my skills, riding from medloc to medloc. 12:20 p.m., March 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I entered the alternate reality of one of the new motocross games, which my husband rocked. I sure didn't. 12:17 p.m., March 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I felt bad that I couldn't hang out with our old high-school friend, but preparations had begun in good faith. 12:14 p.m., March 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: There was, of course, someone there we needed to kill and bury. Unfortunately, I knew someone else there, too. 12:12 p.m., March 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: They divvied all my contributions, including beaucoup bucks, into mission-specific boxes. Then we went to camp. 12:08 p.m., March 13, 2012

Last night's dream: I fell in with organized-crime types who needed me to work hard and shut up. That doesn't mean I wasn't curious, though. 12:06 p.m., March 13, 2012

Dogs barking, upset about people in the apartment building. Dogs in the median. "Hound Dog" on @clp772's show the second I got in the car. 2:47 p.m., March 12, 2012

Last night's dream: I went to Japan, and one of the only things I could afford to buy was... Did you guess Japan-specific My Little Ponies? 11:51 a.m., March 12, 2012

Why are there movies called "Safe House" and "Silent House" out at the same time? 8:41 p.m., March 11, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: And it wasn't overlays when @voltarine and I saw a giant tree branch pulled over my old yard on a telephone wire. 4:41 p.m., March 11, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I wasn't gonna quit my day job—but for the weird stuff that could drop you in Africa, my services were in demand. 4:39 p.m., March 11, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I proved rather adept at solving the puzzles in what, via sight overlays, was like a real-world supernatural RPG. 4:37 p.m., March 11, 2012

Last night's dream: Amid work grar and working to track down fairy-tale people in cloud world, I learned to download snacks from my phone. 4:35 p.m., March 11, 2012

@daranciang Ha! Well, I doubt this mall would survive a CA quake. But yeah, the wood furniture I'm less allergic to is made to CA standards. 9:37 p.m., March 10, 2012

This place literally vibrates with people; if I set my phone down on the table, its seismograph registers an ongoing 2 on the Richter scale. 9:24 p.m., March 10, 2012

Basically, I want to live in a CMYK color space. 9:18 p.m., March 10, 2012

I can't wait 'til this season's colors (especially coral, teal, and neon yellow) hit thrift stores. That's what I want to wear ALL the time. 9:17 p.m., March 10, 2012

Going to the mall makes me want to go to the thrift store. 9:15 p.m., March 10, 2012

One of the benefits of going outside: You see things like Pepto-Bismol pink, egg-like minivan cabs (this one owned by American). 6:29 p.m., March 10, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Then there were mandatory videos to see, and we were working on printed 11x17s on sawhorses in my old backyard... 5:13 p.m., March 10, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: A guy who looked like Mr. T suggested that I start working. But I had to work around edits I couldn't veto... 5:10 p.m., March 10, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Work had had a hostile takeover, and guys named Steven and Hank were in charge, with muscled fellows for backup. 5:08 p.m., March 10, 2012

Last night's dream: My best friend from college was in town, looked good, and was about to tell me her thoughts—when I got called to work. 5:04 p.m., March 10, 2012

Time: 2:32 a.m. Caller ID: "Caller Out Of Area." Voicemail: "Caller ID Unavailable." Message: 20 seconds of static. A call from the void? 3:05 p.m., March 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: But that was behind us now, in the blaze of headlights, as the song twanged "...you're gonna have to kill me..." 1:24 p.m., March 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I also laundered some money—had a department-store manager get me fresh Bens, then backed out of the purchase. 1:20 p.m., March 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Walking along the field path, I'd noticed my husband's new gold ring with two amethysts, one an evil-eye ward. 1:16 p.m., March 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: "...it's stay in one place, hunker down. Get as far away as you can." I awoke with The Homewreckers in my head. 1:12 p.m., March 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We ran for it through fields and forest as the narrator said, "If there's one thing not to do in corn country..." 1:05 p.m., March 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: They told my husband not to touch it—and they were right. When he picked up the slipcovered canoe, lights blazed. 1:02 p.m., March 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: On the walk home from the fair with two of my husband's friends and wives, we came across the police's new toy. 12:59 p.m., March 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I got a three-pack of recycled britches in khaki, black, and jegging, but no scabbard, and my boots were at home. 12:57 p.m., March 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I just about pushed a kid out of my way to look through the plastic-sword rack, finding two blades to my liking. 12:54 p.m., March 09, 2012

Last night's dream: We met my mother out at the fair, where I found the ranks of a fake army were open. @jessamyn pointed me to the vendors. 12:52 p.m., March 09, 2012

Misread hashtag: #johnconnortonight 2:59 a.m., March 09, 2012

Misread: "My life is not a search string." It isn't, but this is what the post actually said: http://t.co/TqjqXztO 2:47 a.m., March 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: But that was OK; the atmosphere was still amazingly relaxed. I awoke with Built to Spill's "Strange" in my head. 1:32 p.m., March 08, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Ultimately, I'd find I played clarinet unthinkingly, unlike guitar's laboring, and I'd be out as concertmaster. 1:28 p.m., March 08, 2012

Last night's dream: I was in rocker Valhalla, where everyone was accepting, the flirting was warm and genuine, and I was, uh, concertmaster. 1:25 p.m., March 08, 2012

Re: "Octagon: Interpublic Expands Entertainment Footprint with Acquisition..." I think I should preface all email subject lines with shapes. 2:54 p.m., March 07, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Oh no! It was the neighbor family of the outdoor dog I secretly ran with. I played it cool when they came over. 1:36 p.m., March 07, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: While the band played I overheard someone nearby: "Well, she's the only person our dog won't bark at besides us." 1:34 p.m., March 07, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: At the other high school, Radiohead was in the atrium on a series of diving boards marking singles on a timeline. 1:32 p.m., March 07, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Once I got outside, I noticed it was a full moon—hence the change. I saw a helicopter swoop low overhead and ran. 1:28 p.m., March 07, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: As I hurried to catch up with her I noticed her webbed, bloody footprints through some broken glass. Interesting. 1:25 p.m., March 07, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: It was awkward, I spent a lot of time on the phone, and when a friend left, I excused myself to follow her out. 1:23 p.m., March 07, 2012

Last night's dream: I was having a birthday party thrown for me in a high-school meeting room by people who don't like me (e.g. Nature Boy). 1:21 p.m., March 07, 2012

"Members of the hacker collective LulzSex"—LulzSex?! I didn't hear a single thing you said after that, AP news lady. 6:20 p.m., March 06, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The left side depicted each sibling with his or her flag of origin; the right side, my escape from the dark cave. 2:42 p.m., March 06, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: It was small magic, like an animated GIF—but the painting's showers of sparks and letters glowed gold and purple. 2:39 p.m., March 06, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I painted her and her adopted siblings (they were kind of the Lost Boys and Girls) a magic watercolor in thanks. 2:34 p.m., March 06, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: She was bored and knew her way (at this point, it was just her neighborhood's outskirts) and readily acceded. 2:32 p.m., March 06, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I ran 'til I got to the tall chain-link fences at the far edge, where I entreated a teenage girl to help me. 2:28 p.m., March 06, 2012

Last night's dream: I'd been sent on a long walk alone across the dark, evil woods. I managed to avoid falling in a wolf hole, then quit. 2:25 p.m., March 06, 2012

Fitting: Before I added "ketubah" to Swype's dictionary, the next closest word shape was apparently "Jewish." It's true—ketubahs are Jewish. 7:59 p.m., March 05, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Then came the cleanup; they said I'd spent so much time in the office, I should go home. It was gonna be a while. 2:37 p.m., March 05, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Goodman had to roll over, then paddle to another guy, draw his sword, and slay him, all in one take. He did...OK. 2:35 p.m., March 05, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The set designers did an amazing job of making it look like a volcanic lake, but it was filled with canola oil. 2:33 p.m., March 05, 2012

Last night's dream: Part of a gladiator movie with John Goodman was being shot in a back room at work—a scene where he had to float in oil. 2:31 p.m., March 05, 2012

Last night's dream: As some sort of painful prelude to our class reunion, @k1mothy and I had to take a gym class with some of the attendees. 3:39 p.m., March 04, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Outside, @daranciang and I watched what I thought was a building being shaken down, but it was actually a tremor. 3:19 p.m., March 03, 2012

Last night's dream: I was working, maybe in a new office, when my husband called to be sure I'd make it out on time for dinner with friends. 3:15 p.m., March 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke and tried to think of more pleasant things; I wound up in a shoe store then, worried about carpet fumes. 1:48 p.m., March 02, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I was surprised at my old house by a band of squatters. I ended up stabbing most of them when they attacked. 1:43 p.m., March 02, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I went to a film shoot in an area of dramatic ruddy scenery, and proceeded to use judo to pin a tae kwon do guy. 1:41 p.m., March 02, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: What I needed, though, was to get my stuff out of the office I left it in when I went to watch my brother dance. 1:39 p.m., March 02, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The shop-class projects downstairs were awful; guys used industrial glue to stick athletic plaques on big boards. 1:37 p.m., March 02, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: One little woman reluctantly led me downstairs; I tried the tiny, twisting stairs, then went to the bigger ones . 1:35 p.m., March 02, 2012

Last night's dream: I was inside a private school run entirely by little-people nuns. They still gave me a stern look when I asked for help. 1:33 p.m., March 02, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: She panned the camera so we could see the writer next door and her cool desk (winners get losers' desk contents). 1:05 p.m., March 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: She showed the camera her desk and the last memo, which praised two writers and axed two others, just like that. 1:02 p.m., March 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: She was trying to write about Shepherdson Farm, a town where foxes—or maybe people turned into foxes—eat people. 1:01 p.m., March 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The friend was talking about life at the Times, where the Internet was filtered and she couldn't view story info. 12:57 p.m., March 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: After a bitch session with a coworker, I met up with some college friends who were teleconferencing a friend in. 12:56 p.m., March 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My husband and I drove across town, past great skyscrapers and the sea show, where people could swim with whales. 12:54 p.m., March 01, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I went to lunch with a mind to find a new work life, and met someone on an escalator who could help me with that. 12:52 p.m., March 01, 2012

Last night's dream: I missed a work meeting and couldn't defend myself because my car got stuck in a cart corral that shifted in the wind. 12:50 p.m., March 01, 2012

@darrylayo Nobody puts Baby in a corner. 5:02 a.m., March 01, 2012

The first line I heard on the radio this morning: "How to keep it together..." 1:35 p.m., February 29, 2012

Last night's dream: Somehow, a friend's keeping a receipt made it so later, our high-school physics teacher ended up eating a ball of weed. 12:50 p.m., February 28, 2012

The cantankerous old woman in this story I'm reading looks like a head of cauliflower. 1:06 a.m., February 28, 2012

Why is @johncusack not on the Oscars—or winning one? I mean, apart from being checked in a Jimmy Kimmel commercial... 4:28 a.m., February 27, 2012

The sign of a good (?) doctor: He prescribes the thing you can get over the counter and forgets to prescribe the thing you can't. 5:09 p.m., February 26, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: This, while the other caller ID blinked out. Ugh. Earlier, we learned a forelocked friend really was the devil's. 4:39 p.m., February 26, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I tried to gently show the kid his error in logic: "We don't even know each other; we've never emailed or IMed." 4:36 p.m., February 26, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I could barely make out what the teenager said: "Will you go out with me?" Me: "Well, that's sweet, but, uh..." 4:33 p.m., February 26, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: On one line was one of my husband's worldly and wise friends, Jason Kolkata; on the one I got, some teenage boy. 4:27 p.m., February 26, 2012

Last night's dream: We had moved to a new city, with its own weirdly crooked streets, and were having friends over when two calls came in. 4:22 p.m., February 26, 2012

Everyone: "Now is the time to buy things. Let us go to the shopping place." Saw some young thing on a cell almost get hit by an old woman. 8:37 p.m., February 25, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Oh yes, and the fish tank I had in the new place had about half live fish, half dead and dying fish. I let it be. 2:11 p.m., February 25, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We got a little house in a college town, only to find wasps living in the screen door and quicksand mud out back. 2:04 p.m., February 25, 2012

Last night's dream: Some nefarious types turned on a vacuum and one girl's blue magic streamed a path to her through the fair's yellow aura. 2:02 p.m., February 25, 2012

Thanks to @k1mothy's (trumpet) mute obsession, Swype now types "mute" when I try to type "more." MOAR MUTES! 11:01 p.m., February 23, 2012

The sender: U.S. Census Bureau. The subject: "Educational Attainment in the United States." The first line: "FOR IMMEDIATE RELESE." Perfect. 7:09 p.m., February 23, 2012

"We Invite You to Come Shoot in Beautiful Vancouver"—I sure misread that, since I last read about Vancouver's needle exchange. @jcooperman 3:20 p.m., February 23, 2012

Last night's dream: All I know for sure is that @JerrySeinfeld showed up at two places and gave me great advice. Wish I could remember it! 3:50 a.m., February 23, 2012

"To Registerd Voter"—oh, well then! You got my vote! http://t.co/heGCTLhU #srsly #doyouknowwhatidoforaliving 4:01 a.m., February 22, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: As a soccer team jogged past, we found we were wearing a slightly wrong yellow and blue; then we looked at hats. 1:10 p.m., February 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We were of course stuck on the hotel side of the city, but we knew we had options. We went to a music/bookstore. 1:08 p.m., February 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I stuck flowers on the general's cheeks and told him what I'd seen; he granted us 39 seconds' electronic passage. 1:04 p.m., February 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I knew a friend's father—the head general—from school. And I discerned that he was A-B testing, not waging war. 1:02 p.m., February 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Then it began to rain; we tried to get back to our hotel but were blocked by the war games. But we found an in. 12:59 p.m., February 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We'd gone with vegetarian friends and @yeahlikethat, getting ideas (e.g. a fried-chicken spot) from passersby. 12:57 p.m., February 21, 2012

Last night's dream: In Japan, I fixed a net on the fly, then netted the escaped giraffe a friend of ours had been supposed to be watching. 12:50 p.m., February 21, 2012

I logged into Basecamp, yet a red bar across the top says "We didn't recognize the username or password you entered. Please try again." Odd! 8:53 p.m., February 20, 2012

@k1mothy When come back, bring pie. 5:24 p.m., February 20, 2012

Misread: "A Pielandian Mission, A time of awareness." Apparently I'm aware of pie—or Pieland. http://t.co/vwxLjn6Q 4:33 p.m., February 20, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I returned to my childhood home, where nothing I'd done merited praise and I was sent right to my room. Ugh. 3:12 p.m., February 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Everyone but me also sang/acted a number in the dance; dancing was OK, but I begged off of the rest as an editor. 3:08 p.m., February 19, 2012

Last night's dream: I won the metaphysical race by concentrating on teleporting ahead. Then I did a synchronized dance on TV with coworkers. 3:06 p.m., February 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I went to take a nap (where I'd actually been the whole time in real life) and a blanket vibrated with the music. 6:27 p.m., February 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I ended up back home, where the new LED lamp awaited programming and its extra screws and lights were everywhere. 6:25 p.m., February 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: But I looked at the path I'd take and realized it'd end in a crunching fall onto a Samsung flat-screen box. Nope. 6:23 p.m., February 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I considered scaling the mountain of office-supply boxes in the parking lot, as I had as a kid on clay boxes. 6:21 p.m., February 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My father got in the truck's sleeping tube and got jounced around; my brother was hesitant enough to stay clear. 6:19 p.m., February 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The semi popped a chain and almost rolled back down the hill to the parking garage—my family just got in the way. 6:17 p.m., February 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: After I huddled with friends for a while, my parents pulled up, and immediately drove us into the path of a semi. 6:14 p.m., February 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: On-screen was a lone old-school AIM window, where some clueless intern was chatting with her boyfriend. Oops... 6:14 p.m., February 18, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: While friends and I braced in the hall, a sea-lion vid on TV was dragged off-screen to reveal a magenta desktop. 6:11 p.m., February 18, 2012

Last night's dream: It was lucky I had commons period second hour, as that was when police cars pulled up and the building started shaking. 6:03 p.m., February 18, 2012

This morning's theme: pretty (or cute) but annoying, like stargazer lilies, squirrels in dumpsters, and sparkling frost on my windshield. 2:20 p.m., February 17, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: A lady with the garden society didn't care that I was escaping—she just wanted to tell me I set her lawn on fire. 1:08 p.m., February 17, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: When I escaped with his lawn mower and tried to mow my way to freedom, some guy threw rubber machetes at me... 1:02 p.m., February 17, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I followed him, and he ultimately stopped and kidnapped me. In his old house, they told me who I was going to be. 1:00 p.m., February 17, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I got in an argument with this guy in my old driveway; I could see my husband in the house. The guy stole my car. 12:57 p.m., February 17, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: He had me drive all the way home while he followed; there, he'd drive off with my car. Except I decided against. 12:55 p.m., February 17, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We finished production early and greenhouse dude wanted to swap his boat of a Buick with my car for the next day. 12:52 p.m., February 17, 2012

Last night's dream: For some reason, production on the next issue of the magazine was held in some guy's greenhouse in Edwardsville, Ill. 12:49 p.m., February 17, 2012

I just got three Google Talk messages from users like this—b68th59ui38djs224—that disappeared right after I saw them. Real or hallucination? 7:19 p.m., February 15, 2012

@Choire NO! Do you know how much time I spend putting smart quotes INTO documents? Yeah, it's job security, but at the expense of my sanity! 4:52 p.m., February 15, 2012

@dotcom30rock You're always welcome to pizza on us in STL! That's the best pie in town, right there—the closest thing to a NY slice we have! 4:46 p.m., February 15, 2012

RT @dotcom30rock: @limeonaire Last night's dream: We tore off two slices of La Pizza to give to Grizz and Dot Com, who were walking by. ... 4:42 p.m., February 15, 2012

Wanted: More adult shoes with teeth on them. http://t.co/tDtLZBjR 4:24 p.m., February 15, 2012

Ugh. Do people really misspell Zantac that often? http://t.co/4AgiL9v5 4:23 p.m., February 15, 2012

Last night's dream: We tore off two slices of La Pizza to give to Grizz and Dot Com, who were walking by. 1:05 p.m., February 15, 2012

@sambosambo That was me—I just bought a set of the pins on Etsy from a guy in Britain. I'm putting a pin on my bag for each show I finish. 4:57 a.m., February 15, 2012

@sambosambo Happy Valentine's Day from the Internet! ♡ Hope you like everything! ♥ 2:35 a.m., February 15, 2012

Someone upstairs is learning to play the keyboard; it sounds like we're in a music box, or maybe the ice-cream man or Oh! Susanna is coming. 2:15 a.m., February 15, 2012

It's also bad when you have a six-letter domain name that appends 100 characters of "<>folder_id=2534374306245915..." nonsense when I visit. 5:00 p.m., February 14, 2012

You know it's bad when I have to search within the page to find your website's search box. 4:52 p.m., February 14, 2012

Perfect synchronicity: I was reading a list item—"2 bags of clementines"—when suddenly, I smelled citrus. @voltarine was eating a tangerine! 4:22 p.m., February 14, 2012

Last night's dream: I thought it was a big protest—and at least part of it probably was—but it was actually those gathered for the Olympics. 1:07 p.m., February 14, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I ended up living there, too, on a double bunk with an exchange student who couldn't keep his own food in order. 12:56 p.m., February 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I went to help a friend hide out for a bit in the transfer-student cabins, but it turned out students were there. 12:54 p.m., February 13, 2012

Last night's dream: I was finishing up in high school while also working full-time in my field. It was an exhausting, frustrating situation. 12:52 p.m., February 13, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: When the evening started out, I'd been hanging out with @k1mothy at a community-band gig. I didn't expect demons! 1:18 p.m., February 10, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I pulled her into a fire-equipment nook in the concrete, shut the door, forced the inner door—and huddled inside. 1:16 p.m., February 10, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The woman gasped—"A bracket!" The drone gun attached itself to a wall to fire at us with more power and accuracy. 1:12 p.m., February 10, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The demon was part of a trio of upholders, and his brothers urged him to act. Suddenly, drone guns were all over. 1:08 p.m., February 10, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: But she was in trouble for even talking to us, it turned out. A demon disguised as a devout brother raged at her. 1:06 p.m., February 10, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: A woman in hijab shyly approached us and said she had more scarves like it, $73. For that length and beauty? Yes! 1:03 p.m., February 10, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We went to a boutique owned by a coworker's friends to seek the scarf and gifts—no luck. But out on the street... 1:00 p.m., February 10, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: @jcooperman said I should grab the scarf anyway—I said it was no use to me that frayed, however beautiful it was. 12:56 p.m., February 10, 2012

Last night's dream: @jcooperman and I were perusing the free bins along the street when I found a beautiful scarf...that was half frayed. 12:52 p.m., February 10, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I put my shirt back on—I might as well look like I was chosen to go offworld, rather than some Earther refugee. 12:44 p.m., February 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Back on the offworld shuttle, it got hot—I sat with no shirt for a while before noticing that no one else was. 12:41 p.m., February 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Here, he thought, might be someone useful. He'd get that new world order going somehow, but it wouldn't be easy. 12:38 p.m., February 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Then he spotted a young girl with pink hair—why was she still here? Ah. She had an unwanted skin condition... 12:36 p.m., February 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: There, he surveyed those left, most of whom couldn't even follow the instructions to build simple shelves. Sigh. 12:34 p.m., February 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Then his video/currency descrambler broke/rebelled, spitting out all of its enigma gears. He headed to the caf. 12:31 p.m., February 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: He was tinkering with the restaurant's menu, which was already successful and supposed to guarantee his income. 12:28 p.m., February 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: On Earth, our friend Ethan—who was supposed to be building a new world order—was zapping his restaurant's menus. 12:27 p.m., February 09, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We went through the waterfall and that was that; we were on our way, enough candy (for when food ran out) or not. 12:24 p.m., February 09, 2012

Last night's dream: The group of people I was in decided to leave Earth and go through the portal while there was still time to get away. 12:21 p.m., February 09, 2012

Oh, that's a cheap trick, sending a tired magazine editor an email with the subject line "Article: Time to Change Careers." 2:54 p.m., February 08, 2012

Last night's dream: My father followed me and my mother when we escaped, stalking us with a gun. He was perfectly ready to kill us on sight. 1:06 p.m., February 08, 2012

It says something about my present affliction that I get an email from "DHA Lifestyle PR" about cabanas and I immediately think, "Omega-3s?" 2:53 p.m., February 07, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I looked in the mirror—and I was the raver version of Elaine's friend Cynthia on Seinfeld, with neon coral hair! 2:49 p.m., February 07, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I looked in the mirror—and I was the raver version of Elaine's horsey friend on Seinfeld, with neon coral hair! 1:24 p.m., February 07, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My husband was hot in the dance contest; I decided I'd find a way to pair up with one of his friends to beat him. 1:18 p.m., February 07, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: A long-sick friend was there, as was an old friend who lately moved back from abroad. But I had to make my toga. 1:16 p.m., February 07, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The toga party that kicked into gear later was a strange thing, with city kids just safety-pinning on old towels. 1:12 p.m., February 07, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The hangout was right off the subway, in a subterranean cul-de-sac. When it shook, kids went to catch the train. 1:10 p.m., February 07, 2012

Last night's dream: I sat down for a game with @netaustin and some high-school friends; my hand-eye coordination was not what it once was. 1:07 p.m., February 07, 2012

Last night's dream: I complained to my doc: I can't have a drink with my meds. She said I can take Tylenol with peanut butter and beer... 12:35 p.m., February 06, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I befriended his chief of staff; she had no idea that I, a mild-mannered journalist, was the knife hunter. 3:32 p.m., February 05, 2012

Last night's dream: For some reason, I became a hunter of people—one guy, I even knifed in his liver while he was being prepped for surgery. 3:28 p.m., February 05, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I said, "Look, I know I was being a jerk by going to spit in your display sink, but you could've told me sooner." 6:08 p.m., February 04, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I brushed my teeth and was about to spit in a red display sink when a woman motioned me to a drinking fountain. 6:07 p.m., February 04, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My husband and I went to this weird folk-art general store with lots of copyright-infringing fan art—CafePress? 6:04 p.m., February 04, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I was in a hardware store when I cracked the diamond in my ring on something—for the second time in dream world. 5:59 p.m., February 04, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Jesse Pinkman figured out something while hiding in a trailer. Then some guy knocked over the owner's motorcycle. 5:56 p.m., February 04, 2012

Last night's dream: I was on the lam, trying to escape my parents, when I met some of my husband's friends—I could hide with them for a bit. 5:52 p.m., February 04, 2012

After avoiding eye contact with coworkers on the way back to my desk, I spotted this new subject line in my email: "Article: Treating PTSD." 10:10 p.m., February 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The worst part: We actually did get done on time at work yesterday. So why does my subconscious say the opposite? 1:01 p.m., February 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I had to work late with a couple of the managers—who I couldn't trust to be fair about anything. It sucked. 12:59 p.m., February 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I had trouble driving home in the rain and my husband missed the start of the Super Bowl. Radio wasn't the same. 12:57 p.m., February 03, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: @voltarine trusted me enough to retrieve one of her family's pottery vases from a shaky shelf...and I dropped it. 12:54 p.m., February 03, 2012

Last night's dream: I learned to read about Utnapishtim et al. from little.statues in the small-town library's gift shop. Next up: Beowulf. 12:52 p.m., February 03, 2012

Last night's dream: A bug @bryanhollerbach brought in multiplied and began, with its children, to eat holes in my black guitar. Not cool!! 12:51 p.m., February 02, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I wanted to wash and keep a French yogurt cup, but the riverbank was overgrown, and it'd contaminate the spring. 1:13 p.m., January 31, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Finally, my collapsible cup came in handy; I used it instead of the plastic logo one offered to get spring water. 1:10 p.m., January 31, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We packed the car full of friends and took it to future France, where we undertook to backpack through the ruins. 1:07 p.m., January 31, 2012

Last night's dream: During a local shootout, friends and I were given a car that would take us out of the projects and into the future. 1:05 p.m., January 31, 2012

@metroidbaby Actually, apparently LED stilettos already exist: http://t.co/mxWPI3jg 12:45 a.m., January 31, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My plan to see through some ideas by possessing people didn't work, though; possession takes a lot of energy! 1:17 p.m., January 30, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I also got to find out who among my friends were seers—no one close, unfortunately, but there were acquaintances. 1:14 p.m., January 30, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Some friends and loved ones caught on quicker than others that I was a ghost—some had even anticipated my return. 1:11 p.m., January 30, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I came back to scare my overbearing father into releasing access to my stuff and learned new info about my death. 1:08 p.m., January 30, 2012

Last night's dream: I came back after death as a ghost to comfort friends and scare enemies. I invisibly drank from a straw to scare a thug. 1:05 p.m., January 30, 2012

Me: "Why don't they put LED lights in adult shoes?" My husband: "Well"—and at that moment, the kid behind us with LED shoes trips and falls. 5:15 a.m., January 30, 2012

This morning's dream: Some coworkers, my husband, our swimming class, and I floated down a sewer canal to a secret corporate loading dock. 5:09 a.m., January 30, 2012

Last night's dream: My husband was showing everyone in our swimming class this old Atari game in which you clicked on girls to undress them. 1:06 p.m., January 29, 2012

HG3 J5S—a.k.a. huge Jesus? "I've got a huge Jesus...in my pants!" 2:01 a.m., January 27, 2012

"Maintenance request: Is it possible to adjust the hinges on my office door so it slams more emphatically? Thanks for looking into it!" 4:26 p.m., January 26, 2012

Last night's dream: @bryanhollerbach took the wrong exit and decided to get back to the highway by driving off the side of the exit ramp. 3:13 p.m., January 26, 2012

Ida Applebroog sounds like Bonita Applebum's Swiss cousin. 6:09 p.m., January 25, 2012

Last night's dream: First I lived in a dorm and was to play clarinet in a parade; then, as I was on my way, a cop made me answer questions. 1:05 p.m., January 25, 2012

My fan was playing the first note of Talking Heads' "Paper," but when I made @voltarine listen, it shifted pitch. http://t.co/4Qg8DyH7 8:31 p.m., January 24, 2012

The term "music fans" makes me think of someone's mother going, "Oh, your son likes music? My son likes music! They should be friends!!" 6:12 p.m., January 24, 2012

I've taken so much Benadryl lately, "balladry" looks like a word in search of an L. 5:59 p.m., January 24, 2012

In "Zero History," @GreatDismal's characters dub EDCers "mall ninjas"; in "Reamde," @nealstephenson's people embrace 'em as would-be allies. 3:39 p.m., January 24, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My cover was blown when I was revealed to be a fish girl—I had amethyst blood, and my paleness made more sense... 2:11 p.m., January 24, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: When everyone else was out of the room, I dug a tiny spy camera out of the turkey and started snapping the logos. 2:09 p.m., January 24, 2012

Last night's dream: Things were good; my husband drew a series of movie logos in pink chalk on a blackboard in my father's living room. 2:07 p.m., January 24, 2012

I've seen so many misspellings of Viagra in spam that I immediately misread today's @studlife email subject line about Sofia Vergara. 4:34 p.m., January 23, 2012

"The $46 cardigan"—this is supposed to entice me?! http://t.co/vPmueheZ 3:54 p.m., January 23, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: There was talk of using a mansion on a secluded street as a boutique pig farm, though the logistics were sketchy. 4:16 p.m., January 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: A couple of pigs cavorted in the house, one of which had beaten nose cancer—alas, I'd chosen its nose unwisely. 4:13 p.m., January 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I went to a big, fancy family dinner with the in-laws, with two long tables, and tried not to scratch my itches. 4:10 p.m., January 21, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: One girl had a giant atlas leaning against her truck, which ripped and threw pieces sky-high when she drove off. 4:09 p.m., January 21, 2012

Last night's dream: Like the other girls, I worked in a pickup truck in a parking lot with a laptop on the steering wheel. Not sure why... 3:59 p.m., January 21, 2012

"Go without grar." 1:11 a.m., January 20, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Old-fashioned torches and bonfires would ultimately be the answer—the skeletons were all running around outside. 1:28 p.m., January 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: @k1mothy and my husband said to push the skulls down on a stove and burn them. They were right; I didn't listen. 1:25 p.m., January 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: My job then was to figure out how to deal with the skeletons, which people were creating in vats and animating. 1:19 p.m., January 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: The old house was now in a small town that I only had a vague sense of direction in—and where skeletons roamed. 1:18 p.m., January 19, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I'm not sure what happened, but he attacked, so I bit some skin off his cheek and pushed his head in the toilet. 1:16 p.m., January 19, 2012

Last night's dream: A wedding was being held behind the old house, though my father couldn't be arsed to get out there; he stayed in bed. 1:11 p.m., January 19, 2012

████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ 3:37 p.m., January 18, 2012

Road personalities: "Interests: Amazing people with my huge headlights!" "Likes: Smoking, driving on a dark highway with my headlights off." 11:42 p.m., January 17, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: When he appeared to me, I didn't hesitate to go to him—I knew the whole story, one his parents didn't even know. 4:58 p.m., January 16, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I perfected my Thin Mints recipe around the time he learned to make water rise up in his own form, as his clant. 4:54 p.m., January 16, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Meanwhile, the boy was by the stream under the field's back fence, willing it to gently lift him into the gully. 4:50 p.m., January 16, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: When I was little, I navigated the social currents of our boarding school, making cookies and collecting ponies. 4:47 p.m., January 16, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: His other gift had long given him trouble, I remembered, though it might save him now—he could speak to water. 4:43 p.m., January 16, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Freezing, he called to me the way he always had, by projecting his spirit to me. And so I came to help him build. 4:40 p.m., January 16, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: She kicked me out, then banished him to his childhood playhouse, which needed major work to be safe for winter. 4:38 p.m., January 16, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: She thought I was a bad influence on the boy, as we'd been close since we were little. Clearly I led him astray. 4:35 p.m., January 16, 2012

Last night's dream: A mother had two kids, a girl with severe anxiety and a boy she thought had (but never actually had) a drug problem. 4:31 p.m., January 16, 2012

Saint Louis Bread Company's tomato-basil bread tastes like a cross between alphabet soup and a raisin English muffin, i.e. not very good. 8:53 p.m., January 15, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke to find my fingers bent, clawlike, by the blanket, and no cats in sight. 3:36 p.m., January 15, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I went to grab candy from a shelf and was met by Sunny's jaws. She was biting over my gloves, but it still hurt! 3:34 p.m., January 15, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We had Kit Kats and the usual fare, plus marshmallow Fig Newtons, mini packs of marshmallows...and Sunny the cat. 3:32 p.m., January 15, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: When I entered my and @k1mothy's office, as usual, there was a line of friends at the door, waiting to buy candy. 3:30 p.m., January 15, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Sheepish when that came off sounding bitter, I went to see what the coworker wanted, then went back to my office. 3:27 p.m., January 15, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I speculated that a bully of a girl we'd known had been reborn into high school twice as penance for her sins. 3:26 p.m., January 15, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We were talking about mastering an album and how that worked on the keyboard mixer. A coworker kept bugging me... 3:23 p.m., January 15, 2012

Last night's dream: My workplace was now quartered in a school. I went down to talk to the production manager, who sat at a mixing keyboard. 3:20 p.m., January 15, 2012

Separated at birth: Pixies' "Where Is My Mind"; Viva Voce's "The Future Will Destroy You" http://t.co/IyYFmjtT http://t.co/Uib7gRxX 1:23 a.m., January 14, 2012

1 cold ended, 1 cold begun, 1 giant rash, 3 prescriptions, 1 snowfall, 1 work fiasco, 2 work annoyances, 1 Friday the 13th, 2 pennies found 3:02 p.m., January 13, 2012

The woman repeatedly tried to get the pharmacist's attention at the wrong window and was ignored. In a real disaster, she would not survive. 3:21 p.m., January 12, 2012

In the Schnucks pharmacy line: A sixtyish, trout-pouted woman in faux leopard and a blonde bouffant—with only a tiny pink cake in her cart. 3:17 p.m., January 12, 2012

Momentarily misread on an overpass while stopped at a light: "Winterstate 64." 3:07 p.m., January 12, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: My mates gave me their stashed candy bars, too, and knew I would—and wouldn't—win, 'cause camaraderie doesn't count. 6:31 a.m., January 12, 2012

Tonight's dream, cont.: And so I won, and so there was still one metallic-red star not nudged over the line for me, when I needed them all. 6:27 a.m., January 12, 2012

Tonight's dream: I was made to wrestle a dormmate. So I brought out all the tricks I had, knowing full well they'd never declare me winner. 6:25 a.m., January 12, 2012

Mistyped: "Horserash." It's hard to type the right herb name when you're itchy... 8:31 p.m., January 11, 2012

Mistyped: "Anyway, on with the next thing I hate to do." 7:56 p.m., January 11, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: @k1mothy had a golden-retriever puppy she worried about feeding through the storm, so we went to a kibble depot. 1:07 p.m., January 11, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Also, @k1mothy and long-lost friends from high school wanted to hang out; somehow, I found time to go up north. 1:04 p.m., January 11, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: We were on deadline, it was about to snow, and we'd sponsored the fancy dance that was going on in the ballroom. 1:02 p.m., January 11, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Meanwhile, I was in the kitchen at work, wearing a T-shirt and no pants, trying to get my laundry in its basket. 1:00 p.m., January 11, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: To watch the game, he had it live on his phone; when he was about to be filmed, he clipped it to a big oak tree. 12:57 p.m., January 11, 2012

Last night's dream: The Super Bowl was in a stadium next to Plaza Frontenac. My husband got a standing-room-only ticket and went to mosh. 12:54 p.m., January 11, 2012

Last night's dream: I apparently switched phone numbers; someone at my phone company called to tell me a long sequence of numbers to enter. 12:47 p.m., January 09, 2012

@Yuckband Worse is when you're earnestly trying to refold it and a worker takes it and—with a pained look—tells you, "Don't worry about it." 7:09 p.m., January 07, 2012

You know what I love about MetaFilter? When I accidentally unfavorite/favorite things, it doesn't tell me my "usage limit has been reached." 7:01 p.m., January 07, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I commandeered a sailcar to work; I wove through the streets, passing through a bucket brigade at one point. 1:19 p.m., January 06, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I went to a congratulatory postship breakfast with @bryanhollerbach's extended family at a fancy mall restaurant. 1:13 p.m., January 06, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: But yeah, that actress's dress, which looked to be wound out of a single piece of red satin rickrack, was HOT. 9:47 a.m., January 06, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: He flipped switches through the house until in one room, a microwave whirred to life...with a canteen IED inside. 9:42 a.m., January 06, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Another guy—and this also seemed to be a TV show—had fearlessly started renovating a recently foreclosed house. 9:37 a.m., January 06, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: A spirit attached to the man was trying to suck the life out of him and/or invisibly beat him black-and-blue. 9:32 a.m., January 06, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: A guy was offering contract storage in his cave—this might've been a commercial—but he was probably going to die. 9:30 a.m., January 06, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I watched as she and her real bridesmaids traipsed in before their night out in vampy, leggy red satin dresses. 9:27 a.m., January 06, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I was maid of honor for a blond actress who shares my birthday, but I wasn't invited to the bachelorette party. 9:25 a.m., January 06, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: I lifted my nearly lifeless brother and carried him... If I took him beyond the protective fence, he'd die. 9:23 a.m., January 06, 2012

Last night's dream: I was trying to kill something small, black, and evil—I think it was a black cat—and almost killed my brother instead. 9:20 a.m., January 06, 2012

@gatewaygroupie It took me hours to remember what your Fishtown tweets brought to mind—the city of Urm! http://t.co/pjw6ew9r #urmcollab 3:52 a.m., January 06, 2012

Email subject line: "Lifestyle Photography—Faces of Fishtown." 1. I kind of wish I lived in Fishtown. 2. Fishtown sounds rather euphemistic. 9:54 p.m., January 05, 2012

Separated at birth: The Cadillacs' "Why" and Frankie Lymon's "Why Do Fools Fall in Love?" http://t.co/J8LAa0eZ http://t.co/PUttmUBq 4:14 p.m., January 05, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: When cheerleaders said it was all in the way of their powerwalk, I told them my giant fan's spines were poisoned. 1:15 p.m., January 04, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Earlier, when I was ducking math class, it wasn't on purpose—it's just that my possessions were strewn all over. 1:12 p.m., January 04, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Then we went to eat with my family at some fast-food emporium with an adult-daycare wing. Too many calories! 1:09 p.m., January 04, 2012

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I was going to take a shower, but a pipe sprung a leak in the wall behind the shower, soaking my bed. Ugh. 1:06 p.m., January 04, 2012

Last night's dream: Stupid math class, will you never leave me alone? My middle-school math teacher wanted to talk about how behind I was. 1:04 p.m., January 04, 2012

Last night's dream: The Post-Dispatch had a skate-off—it was like a disco dance-off, only on ice, with a camera weaving through the crowd. 7:18 p.m., January 03, 2012

On the way to North County, MS H2U passed me, in some big hurry. On the way back, I ended up driving behind MS JOCE. Ah, vanity (plates). 1:33 a.m., January 03, 2012

At first, I thought that commercial was showing that you don't need a big SUV/minivan to move big things. Turns out, it was the opposite. 10:17 p.m., January 01, 2012

Of course there two different clock times on display at the Rams game. This organization just doesn't have it together... #STL 6:09 p.m., January 01, 2012

I forgot what I saw on the way to work the other day: a string of red balloons, released by unseen hands to float over Forest Park Parkway. 8:39 p.m., December 31, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Finally, having made myself irrelevant to the conversation, I watched an actor ex completely engage Goodman. Joy. 12:55 p.m., December 30, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Goodman asked if I wanted a beer, and I said I was good—then silently kicked myself for the missed opportunity. 12:50 p.m., December 30, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: John Goodman signed the candy bowl in silver Sharpie, then drew a message on my dry-erase board, which I smudged. 12:48 p.m., December 30, 2011

Last night's dream: John Goodman shared my birthday and was signing autographs in a Target aisle. I grabbed a glass bowl for him to sign... 12:46 p.m., December 30, 2011

The blue guitar was just calling to us today; I dreamed about it last night, and when I got home, I saw that my husband had gotten it out. 12:26 a.m., December 30, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Instead of dazzling everyone with a @Yuckband song on my sparkly blue guitar, I went to deal with my totaled car. 1:14 p.m., December 29, 2011

Last night's dream: Right before my set at the office coffeehouse night, someone drove up on the lawn and totaled my car. That took effort! 1:09 p.m., December 29, 2011

Today's @stlbj poll is poorly worded. Problems stem from cellphone use while DRIVING, not just any use in vehicles. http://t.co/I5UKIN8c 3:04 p.m., December 28, 2011

Last night's dream: Their way of getting to a person was simple but costly: Replace key people in your life with ringers to influence you. 1:08 p.m., December 28, 2011

I'm trying to imagine what it must've been like to be my age 25 years ago, working in a big Wang office building... http://t.co/rnm847nY 4:52 a.m., December 26, 2011

Purser: "It's against the rules of the Winschoten to give out the cabin number of anyone aboard." Oh, now you stand on principle. #nancydrew 11:45 p.m., December 25, 2011

"I bought some special candy for Mr. August in Holland and he just came to pay me for it." I'll bet that candy was special! #nancydrew 11:41 p.m., December 25, 2011

"My problem is a secret—a great secret—but I'm sure I can entrust it to you." Nancy is trustworthy—but you met her 5 minutes ago! #nancydrew 11:01 p.m., December 25, 2011

Nancy: "Do you have a deaf person on board?" Purser: "I'll be glad to find out and let you know." This is definitely pre-HIPAA. #nancydrew 10:53 p.m., December 25, 2011

"Perhaps, with a steady income, which he could earn from his knowledge of Morse code, Gus would act more mature." Hello, 1939! #nancydrew 9:58 p.m., December 25, 2011

Nancy says she goes to church "as often as I can." Four pages later, a local boy says, "That would be groovy." Ah, 1939 vs. 1969. #nancydrew 9:41 p.m., December 25, 2011

"This puzzled Nancy. If Gus had recently visited his old home, why hadn't he written in his diary?" Maybe not his first priority? #nancydrew 6:40 p.m., December 25, 2011

"The three took turns reading from [Gus' diary] while they ate some cookies and Coke." Then they declared him "an egomaniac." Oy. #nancydrew 6:30 p.m., December 25, 2011

"A person with Gus's reputation was unpredictable. 'He could be capable of almost anything...'" Leap to judgment much, Ned? Geez. #nancydrew 6:19 p.m., December 25, 2011

"He had a penchant for running away since the time he was a little boy." So clearly that meant he should be in an institution. #nancydrew 6:06 p.m., December 25, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: This was where I could hide, a spirit whispered, if I wanted to stay at the beach overnight. Why would I? Well... 5:59 p.m., December 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The teapot was a horn, though I was wary of blowing it after it had been in the mud. I found a tiny public bath. 5:53 p.m., December 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: In the afternoon-sunny vale, I was led on a vision quest. I found a teapot; then I spotted its golden mouthpiece. 5:52 p.m., December 23, 2011

Last night's dream: The beach between the highway and the river had strange properties. It was in a muddy, deep valley that flooded often. 5:49 p.m., December 23, 2011

What's making me doubt my choice of Panda Express today: the guy in front of me in this 25-person line who's literally on oxygen. 6:51 p.m., December 22, 2011

As I drove past Target blasting an #OWS mix, I saw TV vans and a crowd. I considered going in to say the most anticonsumerist thing I could. 3:03 p.m., December 22, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I found a big black snake behind my bed. We got it into a shopping cart and pushed it through the dim store... 1:25 p.m., December 22, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Friends and I stopped in to see an old teacher who was also a friend's grandmother. I unplugged a too-hot heater. 1:21 p.m., December 22, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: A cop with dreads pulled us over, but he didn't cite us—he'd been in the dark auditorium with our people earlier. 1:19 p.m., December 22, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: He drove this rusted-out car as fast as possible on a muddy gravel road until the top actually flew off above us. 1:16 p.m., December 22, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I hated this guy immediately; he was such a skinny jerk. Then he offered to show me how to destroy a car in mud. 1:13 p.m., December 22, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: In the meantime, my coworkers/sisters were fighting and killing a couple of other bad guys. Then Chris walked in. 1:09 p.m., December 22, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I was also in a gun club that this guy wrote (and sold) tax docs for—apparently taxes on guns and knives went up. 1:06 p.m., December 22, 2011

Last night's dream: If @jcooperman brought him a sandwich from my favorite place, maybe he wouldn't kill me for trying to kill him. Maybe. 1:04 p.m., December 22, 2011

What exactly is an "express lane" in the context of St. Louis highways? The fast lane? http://t.co/5bMdCFIN http://t.co/2uyxygdw 9:39 p.m., December 21, 2011

There's an app that lets people play with pigs. My idea: Build an app that lets people play with cats in shelters. http://t.co/Pygjqer5 7:33 p.m., December 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I ended up chasing my little 3-year-old nephew across mega office buildings' stepped rooftops, à la Minecraft. 1:39 p.m., December 20, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I started off annoyed at my mother's improper storage of inflammables, including a mini pyre-and-torch combo. 1:36 p.m., December 20, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The new mall elevators, by the way? Those freakish vacuum tubes are hell for anyone the least bit claustrophobic. 1:17 p.m., December 20, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I even hesitated for a sec when a woman at the mall tried to sell me on an Internet helmet versus a smartphone. 1:15 p.m., December 20, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Apparently diamond mining had helped usher in the house collapse, and suits were swarming to sell us new stuff. 1:12 p.m., December 20, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I went back into the wreckage and found my wallet; it turned out I'd stolen the $40 bills from a relief worker. 1:10 p.m., December 20, 2011

Last night's dream: Part of my old house collapsed, and all I got was a pair of red pinstripe pants, black cowboy boots, and some $40 bills. 1:06 p.m., December 20, 2011

We got food on @United on 11/13, the receipt says 11/10—and I wasn't charged 'til today. Our luggage was late on that flight, too. Not cool. 12:47 a.m., December 18, 2011

So many tech problems can be solved just by getting someone in the room. No troubleshooting needed—just have 'em walk in and it works again. 5:38 p.m., December 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I also tried unsuccessfully to hide from my brother behind some bushes and spied on a magical high-school gang. 2:09 p.m., December 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I saw a grade-school crush in an alley. "Hey what's up?" I said, and skipped superhigh to show off my levitation. 2:07 p.m., December 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The counter guy, Herman from The Simpsons, sneered, rang me up for $20.15, and sent me next door to get a pizza. 2:05 p.m., December 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I went to get a snack at a gas station and saw some slices of pizza by the register. "Can I have one?" I asked. 1:57 p.m., December 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I woke up with a gasp. After a while, I fell back asleep. I went to pick up @k1mothy and my brother somewhere. 1:53 p.m., December 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I finally got my mouth open. "Help me!" I yelled. Even as I wrenched the door shut, I knew the evil was inside. 1:49 p.m., December 16, 2011

Last night's dream: I couldn't get the back-porch door to close, something was coming from the snowy backyard, and I couldn't make a sound. 1:46 p.m., December 16, 2011

In America, your name doesn't matter. That said, I'm amused that Carrier IQ's marketing guy is named Andrew Coward. http://t.co/qpGlwK5Z 3:25 p.m., December 15, 2011

This guy could be a robot—he's gone from "Where can I read about human frailties?" to "What humans are against us?" http://t.co/byYxhO3k 1:37 p.m., December 15, 2011

Lesson Learned in Last Night's Dream: Every MeFite is an everyday-carry freak like me and carries multiple cool/disguised pens at all times. 1:24 p.m., December 15, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: My brother'd grown long brown hair to match his apparent fanaticism, and none of them were going to leave me be. 1:18 p.m., December 15, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I heard someone insistently calling my name. It was my brother, leading my parents across the parking lot. 1:16 p.m., December 15, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: But it couldn't last; for magical reasons, I had to go shear a bunch of sheep-fur cats that were really boxes. 1:15 p.m., December 15, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: It was pretty great, lounging on concrete waterfall steps, and apparently I was svelte enough for a bikini... 1:12 p.m., December 15, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: @bryanhollerbach had been eating at a mini beach resort at the mall; my husband and I decided to escape there. 1:09 p.m., December 15, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: One of us would pitch while the other batted a tossed ball back—the point was for everyone to dodge a bit. 1:07 p.m., December 15, 2011

Last night's dream: I was playing catch with @bryanhollerbach and the staff photographer, both of whom were wearing baseball uniforms. 1:03 p.m., December 15, 2011

An ad in Words With Friends: "Download the new U.S. Bank mobile app." How would that possibly be appealing to any non–U.S. Bank customer? 4:32 a.m., December 15, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Everyone was like, "Yes, you're precocious—and that's why evil attacks. Can you tone it down and be responsible?" 1:19 p.m., December 14, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: When I didn't know where the dog food was at a coworker's house or what portion to put out, it was also my fault. 1:15 p.m., December 14, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: When I missed the graduation rehearsal while fighting evil, it was my fault that I didn't know where to be, etc. 1:12 p.m., December 14, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: When my nephews and cousins were threatened with attack, it was my fault—even though they had their own magic. 1:10 p.m., December 14, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: When evildoers broke into the house where I was staying and hoisted a wedding dress to the treetop, I was blamed. 1:07 p.m., December 14, 2011

Last night's dream: Because my excess magic often caused trouble, parents and administrators began treating me like some vile troublemaker. 1:05 p.m., December 14, 2011

I laughed out loud at @stltoday's 3 O'Clock Stir subject line: "St. Louis casinos making millions, like always." 9:12 p.m., December 12, 2011

Someone must've updated the printer's firmware—it no longer says, "Due to an alert, the panel be illuminated." The panel IS illuminated! 4:17 p.m., December 12, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: My husband and I sat down on a bench in the store and began eating the remaining half cart of ice-cream cakes. 4:02 p.m., December 11, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: My husband and I went to Schnucks, where an employee giving out ice-cream cakes gave up and gave us the rest. 3:59 p.m., December 11, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I flew up into the pines at the edge of the old property, holding the potion. What happened next is a bit fuzzy. 3:56 p.m., December 11, 2011

Last night's dream: @jcooperman was stuck in a bus in Yosemite or Yellowstone, one of those. Back home, I began working on a potion to help. 3:54 p.m., December 11, 2011

So if all demons can be vanquished by being impaled by a Charmed One, why don't they just wear Kevlar jackets—or is that not how it works? 2:11 a.m., December 10, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: For once, I wasn't wearing all black already—did I need to change, in case I ended up moving sets or in the pit? 1:25 p.m., December 09, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Clomping across the grass in my 'blades, I met my father and brother, the latter lugging instruments for the pit. 1:23 p.m., December 09, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Before that, I'd been staying in my old bedroom at home, eating dinner with my father, locking the front door... 1:19 p.m., December 09, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: So I skated to the other side—for what? I realized I needed to be at my grade school to do set construction. 1:18 p.m., December 09, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: A boy asked his father why I got to do that, and he said it was 'cause I was a fish donor—I bred white goldfish. 1:14 p.m., December 09, 2011

Last night's dream: I was rollerblading through the airport, leaping over luggage, slipping through groups, to get to the other side fast. 1:11 p.m., December 09, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I remembered the reality of too-small spaces and recent grads who didn't know not to set heaters in water. 1:06 p.m., December 08, 2011

Last night's dream: I was in love with New York's convenience, the sense that it was like a big playground for the nondriving. It was great. 1:04 p.m., December 08, 2011

"...content I can easily envision consumers clamoring to use"—when you say "consumers clamoring," I envision a flock of flailing fools. 10:27 p.m., December 07, 2011

The packing slip in my @Amazon Prime order appears to be spattered with blood. The true cost of three-day shipping? http://t.co/y9Brtg75 8:37 p.m., December 07, 2011

The @NiemanLab bit I saw just after the @stltoday typo: "90% of news will be computer generated in the future." Uh. http://t.co/iQx7VdPl 7:30 p.m., December 07, 2011

This is one of the best @stltoday email typos I've ever seen: "MASH star Harry Potter dies at 96." That would be Harry MORGAN. #whyqamatters 7:12 p.m., December 07, 2011

Driving north on Interstate 170, I saw one (presumably amused) highway cleanup worker in the center median toss a pink hula hoop to another. 4:21 p.m., December 07, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I had to be the bad guy and confiscate counterfeit red- and black-leather pants—which I was tempted to keep. 1:15 p.m., December 07, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: She also may have gone to a "Madonna" concert that turned out to be an evening of covers by Sarah Jessica Parker. 1:09 p.m., December 07, 2011

Last night's dream: I discovered some friend of my brother's committing fraud, but no one believed me until we tiptoed into her dorm room. 1:05 p.m., December 07, 2011

Part of this next Charmed episode's summary—"a new threat, the Titans, have been awakened"—sounds like a video game. "New enemy unlocked!" 4:17 p.m., December 06, 2011

My grandmother's philosophy regarding wine with dinner: Make it as difficult and unenjoyable to open as possible with a tiny corkscrew. 9:20 p.m., December 05, 2011

On the way in, I saw a guy crossing at a stop sign, rather than the crosswalk—and a gal on a cell driving the wrong way on a one-way street. 3:55 p.m., December 05, 2011

Last night's dream: Why we ever went to that awful place, I don't know. The catacombs were just full of people trying to hurt each other. 1:04 p.m., December 05, 2011

Last night's dream: I got tricked into taking a bus trip with my brother. While on the bus, a group of us did some magic by pooling jewelry. 3:44 p.m., December 04, 2011

So not only did my bank take two hours and five-plus sales pitches to change my name, I just noticed it charged me $5 for a new card. Augh! 5:22 a.m., December 04, 2011

I got home after midnight last night. Angry imaginary conversations kept me up. I awoke at 6 a.m., annoyed by the sound of my own breathing. 12:53 a.m., December 03, 2011

Last night's dream: I edited endless line breaks, Tetris-style, my husband pooped standing up, and lunch with coworkers was in a bathroom. 12:46 a.m., December 03, 2011

Leaves crawl across the concrete like brown beached lobsters. 7:09 p.m., December 03, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: At a work party, my favor was a personalized travel toothbrush—but my first name was stamped on wrong, as PSOIRB. 4:07 p.m., December 03, 2011

Last night's dream: That speedy lil' nephew of mine just kept running, even near the train tracks. I managed to stop him as a train passed. 4:04 p.m., December 03, 2011

Misread: "Blood evening to you." No wonder: I left a dark office at 9:30 p.m., got home, made a drink, ate two caramels—and chipped a tooth. 5:09 a.m., December 01, 2011

voltarine: "Is that a crow?" Me: "Yeah, it's on the highest branch." @voltarine: "Cool. Oh wow—" The cawing crow flew straight at my window. 4:23 p.m., November 30, 2011

Last night's dream: The car I wanted to buy was in deep South County—and it was pouring rain. I tried to get my mother to drive me there... 1:08 p.m., November 30, 2011

Anyone else ever notice Jane Krakowski's resemblance to Pikachu? 4:59 a.m., November 30, 2011

I'm amused: Google Voice transcribes both my name and my brother's name as "Larry." "Hi Larry it's Mom Larry asked me to give you a call..." 8:27 p.m., November 29, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Amid the mess, I saw a magnificent old free-standing, colorful, light-up AM/FM radio on the porch like a jukebox. 1:22 p.m., November 29, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: As our landlord—my company's co-owner—walked into the house, my brother listened in to local forestry broadcasts. 1:17 p.m., November 29, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Unfortunately, none of that stopped fire from ravaging the field next door and some trees on the property's edge. 1:14 p.m., November 29, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I discovered a late-fall fruit on the tulip poplars that was like a cross between green grapes and strawberries. 1:13 p.m., November 29, 2011

Last night's dream: At the picnic at my old house, I was elected lifeguard to watch for drownings in the front and back pools, a.k.a lawns. 1:06 p.m., November 29, 2011

An imagined conversation with ME2 E5P: License plate: "Me too!" Me: "Me too what?" License plate: "Oh you know, that thing you're thinking." 2:14 p.m., November 28, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I cut through a campus café, almost plummeting 60,000 feet to my death—but a man reached out to save me. 3:32 p.m., November 27, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Walking back to the dorms, I went to cut through a neighborhood—and found it barred by barbed high-voltage wire. 3:28 p.m., November 27, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: On campus, I knew the year was almost over 'cause people were disposing of nice things like stereo speakers. 3:24 p.m., November 27, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Work was the student newspaper, so I could see the dorm rooms of the art directors, with baubles on all surfaces. 3:20 p.m., November 27, 2011

Last night's dream: Those colors I like were back in style: lime and teal. Otherwise, it was all salmon pink and blood orange—not so hot. 3:02 p.m., November 27, 2011

@joshmillard Here's one to start! Caption: "Eh, just put it with all the other green stuff. They'll never notice." http://t.co/2u6HWcyP 6:03 a.m., November 27, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: My work enemy wasn't helping things, either, making the usual last-minute changes and blaming others for foibles. 4:27 p.m., November 26, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The hardest part of driving on land was taking the right exit—until the brakes on the van I was driving failed. 4:24 p.m., November 26, 2011

Last night's dream: My people had to leave our flooding underwater city to live up top, in the snarl of traffic jams and broken hardware. 4:21 p.m., November 26, 2011

Last night's dream: To start music-theory class, I had to fill out a form explaining why I should be allowed to waste everyone's time again. 3:26 p.m., November 25, 2011

Tonight's dream, cont.: Also, the baby was nowhere in sight. A palantír on the floor had rolled him up and brought his alligator to life. 7:39 a.m., November 24, 2011

Tonight's dream: We were babysitting in the Charmed Ones' house when things went awry. Something overcame Piper, for one thing. But also... 7:34 a.m., November 24, 2011

@pow3rdigm I just can't quite bring myself to favorite you with that misspelling in your tweet. 9:00 p.m., November 24, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: All those tiny kids ballroom dancing together and dodging imaginary tigers and bears was something to be seen. 2:50 p.m., November 24, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: We were supposed to be watching the kids, but we had to go vanquish evil—so we cast a spell that kept them busy. 2:48 p.m., November 24, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: My sisters and I visited a grade school where kids ate limestone-flattened fish cakes, white rice, and cabbage. 2:45 p.m., November 24, 2011

Tonight's dream, cont.: I'll never forget its scent, but still, my first thought was basically "Oh shit, I've gone back in time. Not good." 7:48 a.m., November 24, 2011

Tonight's dream, cont.: I went outside in darkness, and when I came back in, it was 2002 and my boyfriend's conditioner was on a hall table. 7:45 a.m., November 24, 2011

Tonight's dream, cont.: Piper was ready to get down with some dude in a clear stream, and magic burning embers were making local girls sick. 7:43 a.m., November 24, 2011

Last night's dream: I lost my marching-band instruments and then I lost my nephew in a neighbor's large house. Both losses proved temporary. 1:10 p.m., November 23, 2011

Of course, seconds after I told @k1mothy I'd burn everyone at our upcoming reunion with fire, someone brought up the guy who died in a fire. 2:55 a.m., November 23, 2011

Woman at the donut counter this morning: "Have a nice day—I almost said, 'Have a nice glazed!'" 7:41 p.m., November 22, 2011

That's it, bank. We're breaking up. At one ATM the door was jammed. The college ATM rejected my check. Only the formerly robotic one worked. 12:39 a.m., November 22, 2011

@aaronbelz Also, if you have a car there, you should check out Vinni's Pizzarama in Wayne. Take Park Ave. to I-495 to Rte. 3 W to U.S. 46... 7:23 p.m., November 21, 2011

@aaronbelz I only saw @king_kaufman's reply at first and thought, "I wonder if that's Benny's. Nah..." But it was! That is one fine slice. 7:15 p.m., November 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The soundtrack to this twisted dream? A Tribe Called Quest's "Bonita Applebum." http://t.co/qeDz66cT 12:15 p.m., November 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: But still, he and his pals came for me. I ended up on the same back porch, trying to keep the locks from turning. 12:07 p.m., November 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I left the syndicate—I even helped save a child from the rush of water and glass when it blew up the lobby tanks. 12:04 p.m., November 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: But even that wasn't enough. A syndicate member found him—and lifting him, accidentally managed to revive him. 11:59 a.m., November 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: My sister and I shared the pleasure of drowning that bastard in his own piss, holding him under 60 seconds each. 11:57 a.m., November 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: When he came for us, his mistake was stopping to piss and shit—I heard him. My sister and I moved his direction. 11:54 a.m., November 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: They arrested Hank, but I knew he'd escape. And so he did, slipping off the police ship in the dead of night. 11:41 a.m., November 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I disassociated then—I believed I had a sister and that they treated us both, then gave me a bunk and her a room. 11:38 a.m., November 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I walked into the hospital wing bleeding, wearing only underwear and an adult diaper, hoping someone'd notice me. 11:35 a.m., November 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: He bought adult diapers and made me wear them, among other debasements. As soon as I could, I limped away... 11:29 a.m., November 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: No matter where I hid, he always managed to find me. After I ran away once, he punished me when he found me. 11:25 a.m., November 21, 2011

Last night's dream: I joined an underground syndicate out of the CN Tower—and found myself pursued against my will by Hank from Twin Peaks. 11:22 a.m., November 21, 2011

Swype typos of the morning: "choking" for "cooking," "liberals" for "livestream." 4:09 p.m., November 20, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Then my husband was missing; someone called him "Master Ghost." We finally met up at our evening's bungalow. 3:00 p.m., November 20, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The walk there started off nice, but footing was difficult through a muddy, snowy clearcut for a new subdivision. 2:57 p.m., November 20, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The marching band played; then we trudged two miles to Black Jack for the reception at a depressing restaurant. 2:54 p.m., November 20, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: This time, most guests were from high school and Facebook, plus colleagues I would never (and didn't) invite. 2:50 p.m., November 20, 2011

Last night's dream: We had to get married again—the first time didn't count. This time it was in my father's back yard, with bleachers... 2:45 p.m., November 20, 2011

Now my bank only has one ATM within 3 miles of me that isn't broken, on a college campus, or in parking-meter territory. I need a new bank. 7:48 p.m., November 18, 2011

ATM update: The formerly green-screened ATM for my bank at the mall is now a cheap MegaBank one—with its bottom panel hanging open. Agh! 7:43 p.m., November 18, 2011

Last night's dream: He drove up I-395 into the woods to "hunt," a.k.a. get back at the guy with the red truck. I stayed behind at the lodge. 2:23 p.m., November 18, 2011

The phrase "People are lemmings" basically proves itself. 12:01 a.m., November 18, 2011

Delivery method makes a difference. 8:07 p.m., November 17, 2011

Last night's dream: A creepy guy was painting and posting bright plywood signs for his new "Tales From the Grave" show in a Loop storefront. 1:43 p.m., November 17, 2011

I read this subject line—"SLPS Thanks District Music Teachers for their Contributions"—and for a second, I thought they'd fired them all. 9:39 p.m., November 16, 2011

The New York Times gets 1337 in its account of Friday's White House shooting by "a 21-year-0ld Idaho man." 8:08 p.m., November 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: When I got to work (in real life), I remembered part of my dream: Someone new dumped my recycling into the trash. 5:04 p.m., November 16, 2011

"Now available in an eyeball-peeling shade of white!" As in the color you'd get if you peeled eyeballs? Why would this be appealing to me? 4:21 p.m., November 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: And somewhere in that busy dream schedule, old college friends grew frustrated that I had no time to hang out. 1:24 p.m., November 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: There was no creamer—my company's owner promised to find some. I almost gave a judo demonstration at the concert. 1:23 p.m., November 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Backstage, I told them they'd done a good job. Then I went next door to the thrift store/coffee shop for a while. 1:19 p.m., November 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The Urge's sound system was malfunctioning, though. I probably didn't help by flying over the stage at one point. 1:17 p.m., November 16, 2011

Last night's dream: Just my right arm joined the Occupy movement. Then I went to a daylong benefit concert for something opened by The Urge. 1:14 p.m., November 16, 2011

This looks like a sci-fi movie: http://t.co/vRd53ms5. And work blocked this as "Adult/Sexually Explicit" (?!): http://t.co/qPRUD3lc. 1:45 a.m., November 16, 2011

Gassing the disabled and vets, beating peaceful protesters, destroying libraries and trees, and shutting out the press is just bad rhetoric. 4:47 p.m., November 15, 2011

Learning to drive in New Jersey—where each lane change is a major life decision—creates synapses others don't have. http://t.co/d4OP97Hb 4:25 p.m., November 15, 2011

Last night's dream: Who were those guys? Just a couple of dudes who shared everything, from their unicorn toys to their Uniqlo fleeces. 1:04 p.m., November 15, 2011

@dmndkng Dunno about the players, but I think many of the students/staffers have already revealed themselves to be Something Else Entirely. 4:52 p.m., November 14, 2011

Guy who was charging his phone in the restaurant when we got sushi with @yeahlikethat last week: "I hate Thanksgiving and I hate Christmas." 4:43 p.m., November 14, 2011

University Park, Pa., is party to the classic "Town With a Dark Secret" trope—right down to the rioting. http://t.co/tHKLs2El 4:39 p.m., November 14, 2011

Does the Penn State thing make anyone else think of that part in "American Gods" where that town sacrificed a child to the lake every year? 4:23 p.m., November 14, 2011

Thanks for the smoky clothes, Mr. Don't-Tell-Me-What-to-Do Capitalist. 1:56 p.m., November 14, 2011

Another TV headline from New Jersey: "Man with a sign dangling from center of Tappan Zee Bridge." For more hijinks: http://t.co/tBd850rE 2:53 a.m., November 14, 2011

A headline seen on TV this week in North Jersey: "Dogs vs. cats: The eternal battle" 2:46 a.m., November 14, 2011

A woman laughing on the phone in a North Jersey Bloomingdale's this week: "Are you trying to kill 'im and get the life insurance policy?" 2:38 a.m., November 14, 2011

Humans seem to like to watch other humans get married, simulate copulation and prepare to give birth, among other activities, on television. 2:19 a.m., November 14, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: So I had two missions: Yell at Target and remove the prescription needle from my father's desk before he used it. 1:24 p.m., November 13, 2011

Last night's dream: I'd printed a set of draft save-the-dates at Target—and was pissed to find, months later, they'd put them out for sale. 1:21 p.m., November 13, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: After we met the Samuel L. Jackson–like scout, I got hell from colleagues re: my supposed failures on the story. 2:07 p.m., November 10, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: A secret bash had been at The Red Lion Inn last night. In the film, the star would go room by room for drugs/sex. 2:03 p.m., November 10, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: For a piece I was writing about a film shooting on location throught St. Louis, I went to a scout at a hotel. 1:59 p.m., November 10, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: And highways had proliferated; I was in the wrong lane and rapidly had to avoid getting on I-500 and I-1010. 12:19 p.m., November 10, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Driving west on I-70, I saw unmelted snow on fall leaves everywhere. The only place it melted now was in cities. 12:17 p.m., November 10, 2011

Last night's dream: My husband and I went to go see Suze Orman, and I finally got the joke—she was slyly parodying self-help gurus, right? 12:10 p.m., November 10, 2011

Pro tip: There are times when men are much more willing to listen to an insistent woman robot than to their insistent wives. 4:33 p.m., November 09, 2011

A macabre discovery: I can "love" my fish in Tap Fish—and get all associated points—when they're dead. 2:07 p.m., November 08, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Supposedly I'd led on a boy and used all my old friends and loves; @Halifax_Samuels signed the letter for impact. 12:37 p.m., November 07, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: An intervention was set for my usual date night at the roadhouse with my husband—they were all gonna show me. 12:33 p.m., November 07, 2011

Last night's dream: Friends sent me a hand-written pamphlet, The Mysteries of May (Mysterios de Mayo) about my supposedly sordid past ways. 12:31 p.m., November 07, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Before long, I was on the run, on the porch of the old house, trying to keep locks on both doors from turning... 12:40 p.m., November 07, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Marcus and DeMarcus were the first to start something that night, and I ran to get a staffer...but not in time. 12:39 p.m., November 07, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Finally, I walked out of my first college roommate's office—she was trying to put a new mortgage on my apartment. 3:46 p.m., November 06, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: While my husband went on a daytrip, I played football with some camp kids, making a few supernatural touchdowns. 3:41 p.m., November 06, 2011

Last night's dream: We went to a little town on vacation, where it turned out Jack Parker's friend Squarey had a little place to check out. 3:36 p.m., November 06, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: It turns out, he'd been creating large-format ink-and-watercolor comics for some time now. I was quite envious! 1:15 p.m., November 05, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: While getting his cell number—all of this was much more interesting with smartphones—I discovered his comics art. 1:13 p.m., November 05, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: During an impromptu softball game, an old grade-school acquaintance fell and injured himself—and wanted a priest. 1:12 p.m., November 05, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: People were nice—an ex even wrote me a mash note. But the drink line wound through an entire gym, so we moved on. 1:10 p.m., November 05, 2011

Last night's dream: We went to a concert by a '90s band that was like a preview of @k1mothy's and my high-school reunion. Alcohol helped. 1:07 p.m., November 05, 2011

OK, so I teared up to"Total Eclipse of the Heart." Then the carousel synths hit, and was that gated-reverb THUNDER? And I came to my senses. 2:30 p.m., November 04, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: They previewed her new disaster flick with Daniel Craig. The host kept saying they were on a tight schedule... 12:23 p.m., November 04, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I needed to go take a shower, but I was fascinated by the TV morning show I was watching with Sherilyn Fenn. 12:19 p.m., November 04, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: It pierced a big glass vessel on the counter in the old house and knocked down part of the cabinet façade above. 12:16 p.m., November 04, 2011

Last night's dream: I shot one bullet, but when I opened the gun, the other rolled under the stove, where the pilot light set it off. Bang! 12:11 p.m., November 04, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: A friend had been late to his test, whereupon a box was shoved into his arms and he was dragged into his class. 1:01 p.m., November 03, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I took my test shuffling along a stone path, dragging my test booklet along under one foot, working on my phone. 12:57 p.m., November 03, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Afterward, I went to a party full of adult and child Waldos and elves. I knew no one. Then it was test time. 12:55 p.m., November 03, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I went to class topless—I decided I was tired of hiding my breasts, and I wanted to show them to the world. 12:53 p.m., November 03, 2011

Last night's dream: The old tulip tree was in bloom, and I wanted to make "soup" from its petals. I made a stack of clay pancakes instead. 12:51 p.m., November 03, 2011

Last night's dream: Teen thugs followed me home and held a boy at gunpoint outside our front door. Also, my brother succumbed to malaise. 12:04 p.m., November 01, 2011

The braised pork shank reduced me to a suckling pig. 12:31 p.m., October 31, 2011

@gatewaygroupie Hoof, poof, and roof come close, if you pronounce it the Missouri way. 9:18 p.m., October 27, 2011

Last night's dream: At a performance of an at-risk boys' club, I met the president of Cameroon, whose custom was to give looong hugs. 12:33 p.m., October 27, 2011

So Aegion now oversees Insituform, The Bayou Companies, Corrpro, CRTS, and Fyfe, among other companies whose names are completely unclear. 8:47 p.m., October 26, 2011

Last night's dream: @ryansechrest and I discovered an infiltrator from Gawker in a company computer lab, stealing secrets—ironic, really. 12:14 p.m., October 26, 2011

Misheard: "What about a manual sander?" That would be Emmanuel Sanders, i.e. a football player of some sort. 2:25 a.m., October 26, 2011

No, Microsoft Word, when I typed "ADD TO" I didn't mean "toad to." What does that even mean? 4:43 p.m., October 25, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke with echoes of Guided by Voices' "No Sky" in my mind. http://t.co/wRKAgIHY 12:43 p.m., October 25, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: While they apartment-hunted, I slumped on a park bench, exhausted, near the Texas Rangers' manager and his wife. 12:42 p.m., October 25, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: With snow falling, my mother and brother went down a street of red-and-black buildings that touched the street. 12:40 p.m., October 25, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The virus was made to create hyperaware superfighters. The network effects emerged when more people got infected. 12:27 p.m., October 25, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Like a shared hallucination, lying on the floor, they could all smell what one did, see out of each other's eyes. 12:10 p.m., October 25, 2011

Last night's dream: A doctor at Barnes-Jewish and five patients got a virus that, at its peak, made them hypersensory—in a shared headspace. 12:05 p.m., October 25, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: And to think, I'd been worried about eating too many eggs, melting plastic on the stove, and updating Basecamp... 11:25 a.m., October 24, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: But there was no highway, and a giant buggy with brass and red rubber tires overturned ours. We were captured. 11:22 a.m., October 24, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Before I knew I'd gone back in time, I got two men to drive me to work, following train tracks to the highway. 11:20 a.m., October 24, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: This made men and women, captors and colluders alike, think I was up to something and give me a Significant Look. 11:15 a.m., October 24, 2011

Last night's dream: I was running so far behind before work, I went back in time, to an era where my pants/vest were considered drag attire. 11:12 a.m., October 24, 2011

Misheard: "With best-in-class fuel economy, you can rub it out in the woods." Ahem—you can ROUGH it out in the woods. 3:25 a.m., October 21, 2011

As I thought about tikkun olam, the sun broke through the clouds. 8:47 p.m., October 20, 2011

Creepy: Realizing that the intersection you're looking at was Street Viewed before the massive disaster you're reading about. 7:12 p.m., October 20, 2011

Bad Halloween costume idea: Sexy Copy Editor. "Upholding standards is so hot! Cross my T's and dot my I's!" 7:11 p.m., October 20, 2011

@GreatDismal This furniture line might be worse than Bibendum. It's like a hundred obese belly buttons...or anuses. http://t.co/L8ipaTT2 7:05 p.m., October 20, 2011

Don't ask where they got the upholstery. "It rubs the lotion on its skin..." http://t.co/L8ipaTT2 6:58 p.m., October 20, 2011

Suggested story title: "Is Your Favorite Bridge About to Collapse?" http://t.co/KGQswIcT #notalarmist #notatall 3:14 p.m., October 20, 2011

@TracyClarkFlory Could the protesters' "jazz hands" have been deaf clapping—that is, making the sign for applause? 12:27 p.m., October 20, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: My in-laws didn't care that I could levitate—all the kids were doing that—but were concerned about my harsh tone. 12:12 p.m., October 20, 2011

Last night's dream: An evil woman-spirit, Google embodied, learned all about me from my phone and used that knowledge to imprison my sister. 12:07 p.m., October 20, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I wore an awkwardly revealing wrap skirt to a bar in Pine Lawn, where I jumped into the game pit for a penny. 12:23 p.m., October 19, 2011

Last night's dream: The events gals found a new technology for favors that shrunk and shrinkwrapped a tiny tableau, including living things. 12:18 p.m., October 19, 2011

Are there blue herons that aren't great? 10:04 p.m., October 18, 2011

"World Series payoff: 216 bottles of Mo. bubbly wait at Busch." Somehow I feel like that's not the best enticement. 8:23 p.m., October 18, 2011

@bryanhollerbach Clearly too little! 2:50 p.m., October 18, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: An ex returned from the nearby mall laden with bags—he had a notion that gifts would cheer me. But they wouldn't. 12:21 p.m., October 18, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: My husband was editing my boss's column, and he'd become a bit...heavy-handed—some thought arrogant—with changes. 12:15 p.m., October 18, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I lost time trying to find the proof I'd been working on—it turns out, production had it to airbrush in color. 12:09 p.m., October 18, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I'd gotten through one basket's worth of pages, but I was still going to have to take the other basket home. 12:06 p.m., October 18, 2011

Last night's dream: Yet again, I was working on a newspaper, not a magazine, and the proofs/revisions stacked to fill two laundry baskets. 12:04 p.m., October 18, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I swam the self-guided tour of a new underwater exhibit. Things were fine until I got to the crumbling exit dock. 12:11 p.m., October 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Sadly, one of the littlest ones took a swan dive into a vat of pink goo and drowned before we could reach her. 12:08 p.m., October 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: We were waiting for giant ice-cream cones when our many tiny cousins came in, like little claymation diatoms. 12:06 p.m., October 17, 2011

Last night's dream: People's bodies came in a couple different pieces, a large one of which could be mixed and matched. Big decision! 12:04 p.m., October 17, 2011

Night before last's other dream: I was spitting repeatedly; when I awoke, I was drooling. 2:01 p.m., October 16, 2011

Story Titles Inspired by @DoodleOrDie, Pt. 1: "The Monster of Fright End" (A.k.a. "frightend monster.") 8:48 p.m., October 15, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: On waking, I remembered 1. the significance of that day and 2. that I didn't call @yeahlikethat last weekend. Oy. 4:53 p.m., October 15, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I laid down in the grass and called a boy. When I heard it was Memorial Day, I called @k1mothy to hang out. 4:48 p.m., October 15, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Before that happened, I'd been enjoying the old backyard, noticing a spot of poison ivy by one of the old trees. 4:43 p.m., October 15, 2011

Last night's dream: I had to vanquish all the zombies, even the ones that were cute boys and the one that was my former roommate. 4:04 p.m., October 15, 2011

Play Pocket Frogs enough, and every car on the road starts to look amphibian. 10:13 p.m., October 14, 2011

That slow-driving altecocker who kept straddling two lanes in front of me did have the perfect license plate: "ME2 H0G" 2:07 p.m., October 14, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I was back in band, and someone had curled my reed up in a ligature for safekeeping while I was gone. Bleh. 11:13 a.m., October 14, 2011

Last night's dream: I was back on the college newspaper, and one story had to fill three broadsheet pages, when one page was even a stretch! 11:10 a.m., October 14, 2011

Now there's a St. Louisism if I ever saw one—"chouteau" in place of "chateau." (Hat tip to @jcooperman!) 3:32 p.m., October 13, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Most of the fish escaped the rocks; in that respect, it worked better than the "upgrade" I returned to at work. 12:21 p.m., October 13, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: This ended up with me stabilizing the guy's rickety table and pouring more rocks into his aquarium over the fish. 12:17 p.m., October 13, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Since the kid still hadn't left my car when the light changed, I had to follow the guy to where he was going. 12:15 p.m., October 13, 2011

Last night's dream: This guy refused to discipline his kid, even when the kid hopped out of his convertible and into mine at a stoplight. 12:10 p.m., October 13, 2011

Subj. line of the day: "Cens. Bur. Rel's. 2011 Determ. of Polit. Jurisd. Subj. to Minor. Lang. Asst. Prov. of Sect 203 of Voting Rights Act" 2:31 p.m., October 12, 2011

Last night's dream: Given the chance, I got multiple plates at the hotel buffet (in Twin Peaks?), including huckleberry–chocolate waffles. 12:05 p.m., October 12, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Also, a handful of other MSA alums and I were set on uncovering a plot, Twin Peaks–style. No time for school... 12:15 p.m., October 10, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I wanted to explore the art-school bazaar, which had some of the world's premier modern- and Asian-art jewelry. 12:11 p.m., October 10, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I made an effort to get to most of my classes—and hit a really high note on clarinet—but I called it quits early. 12:08 p.m., October 10, 2011

Last night's dream: I was back in school at the crumbling high school of a thousand stairs, and I'd somehow clambered onto a giant pillar. 12:05 p.m., October 10, 2011

Signs I am, in fact, hungry (or have just been watching too much Twin Peaks): My mother said "donations." What I heard? "Donut nations." 10:09 p.m., October 08, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: We'd be sharing it with another couple from work, of course. There was no escape—everywhere was a company town. 3:22 p.m., October 08, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Then, in Kansas City, we looked at the apartment we'd been assigned: a warehouse-size space that we'd subdivide. 3:20 p.m., October 08, 2011

Last night's dream: I went on a road trip to Las Vegas—but I couldn't escape work. I ended up proofreading stacks and stacks of dense pages. 3:18 p.m., October 08, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: She squinted at me. "Mommy?!" she asked with disbelief. I hugged her tight—I never wanted to let go of her again. 12:23 p.m., October 07, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I was walking toward the hill when I saw her about to get in the car with her adoptive family. "Cora?" I gasped. 12:19 p.m., October 07, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I never found her. I kept going back to the harvest fest, though, and one day, two years later, I found my girl. 12:17 p.m., October 07, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The crowd scattered in front of him, clearing out quickly. I turned the wrong way for one second—and lost Cora. 12:15 p.m., October 07, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I'd been browsing antiques, then watching out for Cora playing catch, when a flamethrower guy crested the hill. 12:13 p.m., October 07, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I was out at the harvest fest with my beautiful 3-year-old daughter, Cora, and the cousins when it happened. 12:08 p.m., October 07, 2011

Last night's dream: A coworker inconsiderately booked a flight for us at an inconvenient time without telling me. I was racing to get ready. 12:04 p.m., October 07, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Lest we forget the work-related part, he also threw exploding ink packs in with the magazines we were unveiling. 12:21 p.m., October 05, 2011

Last night's dream: A junior-high friend's father was indeed evil; he tried to kill everyone at my sisters' party with malevolent aerosols. 12:14 p.m., October 05, 2011

Misread: "St. Squid." On second glance, that's because they spelled it "St. Louid." 9:17 p.m., October 04, 2011

I saw this and immediately thought "New iPhone Good—No iPhone Better." http://t.co/R1qcDixR #freedom #jonathanfranzen 7:10 p.m., October 04, 2011

Anyone who's ever read A Scanner Darkly probably wouldn't name their company Arcterior. 2:32 p.m., October 04, 2011

I'm sure some hay'll be made of the fact that #OccupySTL's led by a gal named Apollonia. http://t.co/2KvTIDPg http://t.co/6DuBd7ZL 2:29 p.m., October 04, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Oh, and bonuses at work began being paid by way of a wrinkly wad of cash and checks stuffed in one's desk drawer. 12:17 p.m., October 04, 2011

Last night's dream: I was married to my husband, dating my boss, and avoiding my ex. I think that's what I get for reading Barth before bed. 12:12 p.m., October 04, 2011

Last night's dream: We went on a road trip to a small town, only to encounter sweeping floods and a burning gas station before breakfast. 10:35 a.m., October 03, 2011

There are no Google results for "Even Mozart died." But he did. 11:28 p.m., October 02, 2011

Yes, I'm mad that you spelled it "madolin." 10:33 p.m., October 02, 2011

@bryanhollerbach Man... I have a nightmare about work and war and that's your line? Psh. Go till a field. 7:59 p.m., October 02, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: When we finally made it back to work, we ended up being stuck there 'til 2:30 a.m. at least, waiting for PDFs. 3:05 p.m., October 02, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: An Army-camo helicopter flew low out of the green cloud, buzzing the highway. Gunfire flashed in the mist. 3:04 p.m., October 02, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: We still needed to go south; soon, we were driving east on I-70, a patch of spreading green fog off to our left. 2:59 p.m., October 02, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: It'd been set to be demoed later that day—the government had demolished it early. Why? We were about to find out. 2:56 p.m., October 02, 2011

Last night's dream: Driving south on I-270, I slammed on the brakes, stopping 5 feet from the edge of the hole where a bridge used to be. 2:52 p.m., October 02, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke with Yuck's "Shook Down" in my head—and missing the ghosts. http://t.co/Ua21J87i 3:15 p.m., October 01, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: So when I (as Jessica Berglund of Freedom) met the ghosts and an otherworldly sprite of a guy, it was a relief. 12:34 p.m., October 01, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The Minneapolis house we were staying in was fine, but the cat we were sitting for was not. It pooped everywhere. 12:32 p.m., October 01, 2011

Last night's dream: With a bit of concentration, it was possible to see, photograph, and be photographed with ghosts. 12:08 p.m., October 01, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: When I got back to my desk, it was almost the weekend, and a boss sent her daughter to take over some of my work. 12:16 p.m., September 30, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I went to a villa housing Congress—or maybe just a congress of zombies. I tried to vote, which they didn't like. 12:14 p.m., September 30, 2011

Last night's dream: My email was hacked by an ex. I went to do laundry at the mall, which turned out to be a minimum-security prison. 12:10 p.m., September 30, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: His death-faking associate, Alejandro, paid me for my trouble with a bag of rare coins and 3-D–printed graphite. 12:28 p.m., September 29, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: But he was there on the plane, calling voicemail to record a greeting about his "death"—and direct callers to me. 12:24 p.m., September 29, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: What I didn't know: @ryansechrest's goal on the trip was to fake his own death. We heard on the return flight. 12:21 p.m., September 29, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I knew the flight would be different at the first attendant's greeting: "Put your things anywhere, folks." 12:19 p.m., September 29, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The floor at the back of the plane was cushy; sleep tempted. But I was off to find @ryansechrest caffeine pills. 12:14 p.m., September 29, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Even before the flight took off, people were playing Wii and Kinect and watching movies in a total free-for-all. 12:11 p.m., September 29, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I'd had to drive like a maniac to make it, and ran down the plane's sloping back end to make sure I had my stuff. 12:07 p.m., September 29, 2011

Last night's dream: We flew somewhere on a new kind of plane, where everyone could sit—or lie—where they wanted and leave their phones on. 12:05 p.m., September 29, 2011

Yuck, Track 1: Sonic Youth! In its youth! Yuck, Track 2: A Pixies bassline! With Bettie Serveert guitar and vocals! #thismonkeysgonetoheaven 2:33 p.m., September 28, 2011

Last night's dream: My mother died in a fire while checking the laundry. I tried to save my hard drives, laptop, purse, etc. and died, too. 2:13 p.m., September 28, 2011

I wonder how often the plants in front of the mall catch fire—more often or less often than the mulch did at my (now smoke-free) alma mater? 12:00 a.m., September 28, 2011

Since my old ATM's robotic core is still visible, I went to the one at the mall—which turns out to be displaying only shades of green. #evil 11:54 p.m., September 27, 2011

Misheard: "I'm trying to stretch the stress." I gave her a look, then realized what she said: "I'm trying to stretch this DRESS." #symptoms 2:35 p.m., September 27, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The island we were on had connecting turtle-, rabbit-, and spider-shaped paths only distinguishable from the air. 12:48 p.m., September 27, 2011

Last night's dream: In a marvel of physics, a tiny turtle—covered, shell and all, in human skin—pooped more than its body weight in my hand. 12:45 p.m., September 27, 2011

Soon after hearing about Bob Cassilly's death (RIP), my husband won a school bus in Tap Fish—and put it on top of his tank's rock formation. 3:17 a.m., September 27, 2011

Last night, I dreamed of playing Tap Fish. Today, I found my husband's Tap Fish tutorial open on my computer. #smartphones #devolution 11:07 p.m., September 26, 2011

Some dream I had this weekend: An enemy installed a glass door in her office in place of the original wooden one without asking anyone. 2:28 a.m., September 26, 2011

Things that make me think this dream dictionary app may be bogus: The ads are in Russian, and most sentences have a few random line breaks. 2:05 a.m., September 26, 2011

I bet some people let their black cats outside just to fuck with people. 1:58 a.m., September 26, 2011

Misheard: "It's under the purple lox." That would be "locks." 10:13 p.m., September 25, 2011

"Cinemagraphs: images that move"—a.k.a. haute couture animated GIFs. http://t.co/Mxmw2DBw 1:47 p.m., September 24, 2011

Typo of the day: "You guys know better than I do the lager state of things." I love that state of things. (And I tip my hat to @voltarine!) 10:29 p.m., September 22, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: It was for the best, though, as those still in the lobby found out first that the cave was going to explode. 2:36 a.m., September 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: By the time I hit the front of the line those I knew had already gone in, and those who'd been behind 'em balked. 2:35 a.m., September 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I waited a minute, then went to catch up with the people I knew at the front of the line to get my hand stamped. 2:34 a.m., September 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: It took maybe a minute for my husband to get immersed in a game in the corner he hadn't seen since childhood. 2:34 a.m., September 21, 2011

Last night's dream: @k1mothy, my husband, and I went to a concert together in a carved-out cave lined with old-school video-game cabinets. 2:33 a.m., September 21, 2011

Last night's dream: All my stuff was on one side of an aisle of shelves in a Target-like store—I had to pack it up before it got bought. 7:16 p.m., September 21, 2011

On the spectrum of clothing, cardigans and baseball jerseys actually aren't that far apart. 6:29 p.m., September 20, 2011

Misread: "Holiday gift kilt." That would be "Holiday gift kit." 3:32 p.m., September 20, 2011

"That St. Louis lack of execution"—that could describe a lot of things, neh? #STL #football 1:30 a.m., September 20, 2011

Misheard: "Back at Midwife Stadium..." That would be MetLife Stadium. 1:19 a.m., September 20, 2011

I love that I can type just five characters—"ap uk"—into my browser's address bar and get intelligible results. 9:23 p.m., September 19, 2011

For a second, I thought this was a special slideshow-only (ahem, SLIDESHOW-ONLY) edition of @stlbj's newsletter: http://t.co/TevFG9K9 2:00 p.m., September 19, 2011

Last night's dream: I went back to meet Ben Franklin in Philly. I wore britches and snuck into his lab after dark—he had fluorescent lights! 4:32 p.m., September 18, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I tried gently explaining my position. When that failed, I grabbed her collar and pushed her back onto the couch. 3:08 p.m., September 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Angry, I stalked off to find the head nurse—with this schedule, I was going to miss the closing-night bonfire. 3:02 p.m., September 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Next, we were all put down for doctor's visits by train. My journey was to be an eight-hour round trip. I balked. 2:59 p.m., September 17, 2011

Last night's dream: A zombie plague began just as we were leaving camp for the summer—the feds arrived and searched our things for spores. 2:57 p.m., September 17, 2011

"My car takes regular unlabeled." http://t.co/5Hwf2qLX 8:56 p.m., September 17, 2011

"Eh, just put it back with all the other green stuff. No one will notice..." http://t.co/2u6HWcyP 8:44 p.m., September 17, 2011

To whoever just pulled up behind my building blasting Pixies: No, don't stop! At least let the song finish playing... 8:12 p.m., September 17, 2011

So I called to report the evil ATM, only to be told that reporting's down and that I should call back in an hour. The evil's reached India! 8:11 p.m., September 17, 2011

That ATM had all the classic signs of evil: a bee buzzing around the screen, part of the facing ripped off to reveal the robotic interior... 7:50 p.m., September 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke with Guided by Voices' "Acorns & Orioles" in my head. http://t.co/ztf8Lhi8 This vid is oddly apropos. 3:38 p.m., September 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Worries from earlier in the dream about fish tanks faded; we were in a fight for our lives against armed zombies. 3:24 p.m., September 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The heartbreak continued—trusted team members outside turned out to be zombies, those inside got symptoms, etc. 3:22 p.m., September 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: My leg cramped up (in real life, actually), so I hobbled around. Soon my team members and I holed up in a cabin. 3:20 p.m., September 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I texted those I loved to check in, and my brother's reply was so terse, I wasn't sure he WASN'T a zombie. 3:18 p.m., September 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Soon the distinctions were irrelevant—the zombies had guns and it was time to stop them. I joined a hunting team. 3:11 p.m., September 17, 2011

If I were @stlbj, I'd find a way to lift the paywall on this story, since it's about awards the paper just won. http://t.co/bpwR4JRz 2:11 p.m., September 16, 2011

"If it sounds like it was recorded underwater, well, maybe it was" http://t.co/g2LDKJEh Every GBV song is the best song I've ever heard. 12:15 a.m., September 15, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: When my trial came around, I had the backing of the school improv group and sympathy for having been attacked. 12:49 p.m., September 15, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Her goal: to kill me or be killed by me. Either option suited her purposes. I managed to resist both outcomes. 12:47 p.m., September 15, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I was put in a containment bubble while my fate was decided. Meanwhile, one mean girl stalked me with a knife. 12:43 p.m., September 15, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: That ended when the mean girls jeered at me and I hip-checked their lunch table, sending ketchup into their laps. 12:40 p.m., September 15, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I would read a couple chapters of a Reader's Digest Condensed Book each class and get paid in tissue-paper money. 12:37 p.m., September 15, 2011

Last night's dream: I don't know what I did, but I was put under house arrest. I was only allowed out to read to a class of high-schoolers. 12:35 p.m., September 15, 2011

Be cool, man; don't abuse alcool. http://t.co/IvjIWlO (Did they all use the same translator—or just steal the line from each other?) 5:24 p.m., September 14, 2011

Subject line of the day: "May I give you a call about this?" The body text: "Bags under your eyes? Excessive Sweating? Acne?" etc. Um, no. 2:54 p.m., September 14, 2011

Dear Brentwood Promenade: Please tell your people to turn off the sprinklers and spewing water hoses around the property. It's raining. 2:25 p.m., September 14, 2011

Word problem: You are at Target on a Wednesday morning. Find all permutations of "young hot mom." 1:54 p.m., September 14, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: As you might imagine, my thought about this, even as I stood up to the forces of evil, was "Man, fuck all y'all." 12:15 p.m., September 14, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: As for my line, it turned out my mother was, impossibly, pregnant with another child it was my duty to protect. 12:12 p.m., September 14, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: In this future, one of my oldest college friends bore the shotgun that killed me; I'd been hunted in my own time. 12:11 p.m., September 14, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: in reality, my destiny was to capture hearts and minds through music at one campus party, then die dramatically. 12:09 p.m., September 14, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I thought I—and that Kelly English–looking boy just outgrowing his crimson baby fur—had a kind of shared destiny. 12:07 p.m., September 14, 2011

Last night's dream: All the college girls in the future knew how to use the campus monorail better than me; it involved bowing to the train. 12:04 p.m., September 14, 2011

Hans Christian Andersen aside, I'm surprised these guys weren't buried in filings from a certain company's lawyers. http://t.co/Zt841yA 1:50 a.m., September 14, 2011

Night before last's dream: A spy named Julian and a physically disabled boy named Neilsen (who—true to cliché—was telekinetic) were at odds. 12:28 p.m., September 13, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: It had the same frame, with the same northern exposure, but in place of the patio were green glass-brick pools. 12:21 p.m., September 13, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: At one point I went for a walk with @voltarine and discovered the Art Deco swim paradise version of my old house. 12:16 p.m., September 13, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I tried to step aside as much as possible and let coworkers fight their small social battles amongst themselves. 12:14 p.m., September 13, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: We'd gone on a companywide retreat up north, where we bought six-packs and burritos at a local convenience store. 12:12 p.m., September 13, 2011

Last night's dream: I saw a female friend of my company's owner accidentally kayak-paddle a frog into the waiting mouth of a small hippo. 12:08 p.m., September 13, 2011

@bryanhollerbach I see how it is—you've already given up on humanity and thrown your lot in with our would-be alien conquerors, haven't you? 7:29 p.m., September 12, 2011

Misread: "Something something head desk something something." A.k.a. "Not counting the head, deck, and byline, it slightly tops 300 words." 6:51 p.m., September 12, 2011

Level transitions in Angry Birds are basically like "Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle!" 2:12 a.m., September 12, 2011

RT @catsonmacs: Aaaand we're back! Visit http://t.co/IJA2Ff3 to see all the new kitties! 11:29 p.m., September 11, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: And so he slid down a magic waterfall to tropical paradise, and I happily returned to finding my husband's keys. 3:32 p.m., September 11, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Really? He and I concluded years ago that what we wanted differed, bluntly hashed out specifics for six months. 3:29 p.m., September 11, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I felt for a moment the old longing for the impossible, for us both to be things we weren't and never would be. 3:15 p.m., September 11, 2011

Last night's dream: We were vacationing in mid-Missouri or Iowa when Mistah Christian came by. No mutinies here, but I received him warmly. 3:12 p.m., September 11, 2011

OK, so I did spend $130 at Goodwill today—I shop like I'm on a fixed income. And I'm currently wearing soft '70s polyester. But still, AARP? 11:49 p.m., September 10, 2011

Hm. The @CulturalFest website's down, and the link explaining it (http://t.co/rOqKg6e) 404s. Now what? 11:25 p.m., September 10, 2011

Today, I received mail inviting me to join AARP and start a new "Fingerhut Credit Account issued by MetaBank." What the hell? 9:12 p.m., September 10, 2011

Subject line of the day: "Teach Your Child the Values of Individualism with Cool-Conscious Tiny Revolutionary T-Shirts." Oh, contradictions. 6:28 p.m., September 09, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I didn't mind the truth of my talent being revealed—Donaghy showed me the guru's lies, which set me free. 12:26 p.m., September 09, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: He also plucked off the guru's assisting thread—and on the next turn around the city, my spear-throwing sucked. 12:24 p.m., September 09, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Donaghy warned me to beware—and plucked an enchanted following thread off of me by way of demonstration. 12:21 p.m., September 09, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: A guru taught me to swim the streets of a partly submerged Southeast Asian city, flying amid a water/air mix. 12:20 p.m., September 09, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Jack Donaghy gave me a stack of money redolent of his cologne: deep, complex, expensive. It wasn't safe, either. 12:15 p.m., September 09, 2011

Last night's dream: We moved into a safe house with a group of steppers, including Leon Black. But it wasn't the least bit safe there. 12:09 p.m., September 09, 2011

Hearing this Paul McCartney/Wings song was kind of like hearing an obscure Beatles B-side...that I'm pretty sure wouldn't have made side B. 2:00 p.m., September 08, 2011

Last night's dream: All of the stories in an issue of my publication held clues to a murder mystery. Can't tell ya whose murder, though. ; ) 11:04 a.m., September 07, 2011

Last night's dream: I had a new idea: Make necklaces with living fish in little boxes, flanked by sparkly beads. Inhumane, yes, but pretty. 11:08 a.m., September 05, 2011

@love_shunt First things first—I prefer my corn to be corn. http://t.co/JbdE4d5 2:03 a.m., September 04, 2011

Is that where the word "peppercorn" comes from? http://t.co/sCAguUB 1:59 a.m., September 04, 2011

Look at this out of the corner of your eye and tell me these women don't look like mushrooms: http://t.co/TztcQkM 1:46 a.m., September 04, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Suddenly, a creep pulled his car onto the grass, then forced me into the mud at knifepoint. I failed to dial 911. 12:02 p.m., September 02, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Soon I wandered away, across the campus the pavilion was on, toward where I was staying. My vision wasn't great. 11:56 a.m., September 02, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: As the band packed up one guy accidentally grabbed one of the host's mikes. I told another and he went to get it. 11:53 a.m., September 02, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: On this particular occasion, @Choire had a garden party around the pavilion, with a trumpet jazz fusion band. 11:49 a.m., September 02, 2011

Last night's dream: @Choire lived in a pavilion with a widow's walk and loudspeakers on the roof. Every day he'd speak to his followers. 11:45 a.m., September 02, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: It was a marvel: government-enabled waste and identity theft, all in one package! We laughed about it. 12:26 p.m., August 30, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The DMV gave out ID in plastic packaging, with cardboard license copies getting discarded—or used—by the unwary. 12:21 p.m., August 30, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Otherwise, I was about to jet off to perfect weather in mid-California, at the absolute wrong time at work. 12:11 p.m., August 30, 2011

Last night's dream: I was saying this: "The question is, 'The voice of God or the voice of John'—and are they talking about The Beatles?" 12:08 p.m., August 30, 2011

Doppelgangers and the Devil's number: First a guy did a double take in line; he thought I was a gal named Erin. Then that total came up... 5:30 p.m., August 29, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I was now the "explainer of women" for some old guy friends. I sat on the couch, and one vampired me in greeting. 12:54 p.m., August 29, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: In the next, my friends were there; things were still good. "Vampiring"—i.e., nomming midriffs—was the in thing. 12:46 p.m., August 29, 2011

Last night's dream: It was one of those dreams just suffused with love. We were happy. Then I woke up, it was 3:30 a.m., and my neck hurt. 12:41 p.m., August 29, 2011

I just found an error that was only one letter: T for typo! 5:45 p.m., August 28, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I managed to kick a kickball relatively straight back to someone on my old soccer team in front of my old coach. 2:17 p.m., August 28, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Other wish fulfillment: My husband found a closet full of stuff he'd had to leave behind in an old apartment. 2:16 p.m., August 28, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I went to my assigned cabin and browsed the fancy soaps at my leisure before bailing out in a fancy robe. 2:04 p.m., August 28, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I went invisible and rattled a panel to trick a security guard into opening it for me so I could change settings. 1:53 p.m., August 28, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: It was like a film: I was in class, drawing the airplane in crayon, then it cut to me in action up in midair. 1:48 p.m., August 28, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I inhabited the persona of the Springfield cat burglar and infiltrated the test plane we'd gone up in as a class. 1:46 p.m., August 28, 2011

Last night's dream: When I realized how security-unconscious everyone in my Russian airplane class was, I decided to teach them a lesson. 1:35 p.m., August 28, 2011

In another late-'90s episode of Charmed the sisters travel forward to 2009, where the cars swish like quiet jets and everyone hunts witches. 2:06 a.m., August 28, 2011

Oh man, the late-'90s optimism continues: In the next episode of Charmed, one sister scores a same-day job interview at an Internet company. 2:31 a.m., August 27, 2011

Ahh, late-'90s optimism: In this episode of Charmed, it's revealed that two of the sisters took out a home equity loan to finance a club. 2:23 a.m., August 27, 2011

To the gal who thought I cut her off on the second I-170 merge: I didn't cut you off, either. That's how the ramp works. Try speeding up. 11:34 p.m., August 26, 2011

To the guy who thought I cut him off on the I-170 ramp and "buzzed" me in the Forest Park Parkway exit lane: I didn't cut you off, jerk. 11:30 p.m., August 26, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: He saw his dad walking toward home—and getting hit by a bus and a team of horses. The boy couldn't stop it. 12:27 p.m., August 26, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Another memory etched into the place: A little boy, just discovering his telekinesis, waits for Dad to come home. 12:21 p.m., August 26, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The three had been having ritual sex in the woods with a guy, literally eating drugs, when they were transported. 12:18 p.m., August 26, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I touched it and had a vision: The three sisters who'd once lived there had disappeared to another dimension. 12:15 p.m., August 26, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: It was written in red on a notecard, which had been cut into 12 barely connected pieces—plus one on the floor. 12:11 p.m., August 26, 2011

Last night's dream: My mom had finally rented out a tiny apartment she owned. The mom and daughter were celebrating when I found the note. 12:09 p.m., August 26, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: This was all a dream—a 1971 dream shared by my brother, as he'd been drawing it with colored chalk when he awoke. 1:16 p.m., August 25, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The fraternity's yakuza brothers, whose leader was a warlock, came after me with guns. That's when we realized... 1:14 p.m., August 25, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I threw the snake into a nearby fraternity house, which was having a rush event. Apparently this'd been foretold. 1:11 p.m., August 25, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I was walking to my car, down Fraternity Row, when I either found a snake in a box or had a snake thrown at me. 1:09 p.m., August 25, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: As soon as it was over, most of the tension forgotten, I stepped into the street—and into another mess entirely. 1:09 p.m., August 25, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Her friends, none of whom I knew, didn't take well to being organized. @k1mothy was invited, but couldn't fix it. 1:08 p.m., August 25, 2011

Last night's dream: I was asked to be in the wedding of a generic woman coworker I barely knew. It went about as well as you might imagine. 1:07 p.m., August 25, 2011

If I had to guess, I'd say this tech/telecom analysis company was named by men. http://t.co/OtGVcih 1:37 a.m., August 25, 2011

Last night's dream: Some sheltered, spoiled theater brat at a Kansas playhouse stepped on my glasses without noticing. I cried my eyes out. 12:05 p.m., August 24, 2011

"As Teacher circled back I tabbed to my notebook app. 'Give me that!' she said, and read: 'Teacher's looming behind me.' The class laughed." 1:43 p.m., August 23, 2011

I poured soap in the shower in the shape of a pretzel / so it met itself. / Mentally contorted much? 1:14 p.m., August 23, 2011

@k1mothy I fixed the grammar on my reminiscence, so now we're out of order—and you look prescient. Only in dreams... Heh. 12:48 p.m., August 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I blew off @k1mothy to learn about a new adjustable clarinet thumb rest from another high-school friend. 12:47 p.m., August 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Earlier on, I'd showed one high-school friend how one of my fish liked to bury itself beneath its tank's rocks. 12:21 p.m., August 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Actual me had slipped and ripped skin on the linoleum; my husband found me on a couch, exhausted and bleeding. 12:20 p.m., August 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Now I was the 18-year-old, black cheerleader, and Alda was giving me creepy flutter-tongue kisses on the stairs. 12:16 p.m., August 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I overheard my mom and my husband's aunt talking, ran to get out of sight—and ran into Alan Alda, now an admiral. 12:12 p.m., August 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I walked around the school where it was held and helped the cheerleading captain chase her hat, which was an owl. 12:09 p.m., August 23, 2011

Last night's dream: My brother and father were upset that I opted to sit with my husband and his family, not them, at a veterans' banquet. 12:06 p.m., August 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: At work, it was just pressure as usual, trying to crank out both regular work and party invitations. No one knew. 12:16 p.m., August 22, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Back to business: I helped @jcooperman's husband navigate a bog; my brother ran into a helpful business prof. 12:14 p.m., August 22, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: It looked like we had no way out, until I tried the bedroom. We slipped through the sliding glass windows there. 12:12 p.m., August 22, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I peered out the front door—and there was my husband, an hour late. And—uh oh—a campus EMT, striding toward us. 12:10 p.m., August 22, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: One golf club to the head, and he was out. The only thing we could think to do was wipe off our fingerprints. 12:08 p.m., August 22, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: We were on time; my husband was late. So we ducked into an on-campus apartment—only to startle an old professor. 12:05 p.m., August 22, 2011

Last night's dream: My brother and I were meeting my husband on the Illinois campus of King's College when we accidentally killed a guy. 12:04 p.m., August 22, 2011

The zombie eye makeup really helps sell this one: http://t.co/D41nHWF 10:10 p.m., August 21, 2011

Cowboys & Aliens: "Tell your alien friends not to watch this one..." 2:56 a.m., August 21, 2011

Last night's dream: We got chocolate malteds at a boathouse. Mine separated out, but it still tasted just fine. 4:46 p.m., August 20, 2011

This is awesome: http://t.co/elLmJdi. Thanks to @ryansechrest, @jasonfroderman, and @nancymcmullen22 for helping make it a reality! 5:28 a.m., August 20, 2011

Did they give me Mountain Dew because I was late, because I put money in the Mountain Dew fund, or because they wanted to "boost my morale"? 2:15 p.m., August 19, 2011

When your eyes are as bad as mine, "HERO" can look a lot like "NERD," especially when it's hand-written. 3:30 a.m., August 18, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke with the 'Mats cover of "Another Girl, Another Planet" in my head. http://t.co/Qag6Uwg 12:23 p.m., August 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Then we got on with the difficult business of singing pretty amid a crumbling/ill-rigged set. Business as usual! 12:17 p.m., August 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: When I saw her at our celestial choir concert, @k1mothy managed to call me on it in a matter of about 30 seconds. 12:15 p.m., August 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I was supposed to use @k1mothy's ballgame ticket, but I got too busy conjuring up rarities (hockey marbles?). 12:12 p.m., August 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Shortages were becoming a fixture of our lives, though. That is, until I figured out how to channel my wishes. 12:10 p.m., August 17, 2011

Last night's dream: You can adjust to the day-to-day anywhere—even on another planet. @k1mothy, my husband, and I were among the emigrants. 12:08 p.m., August 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Cash seemed frustrated with the products being made in his name: a shirt with cheap grommets, a shoddy belt... 12:21 p.m., August 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: As we were checking out—and accidentally leaving on—amenities like a big gas stove, Johnny Cash's ghost appeared. 12:20 p.m., August 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: At work, we visited an exhibit of homes being built to represent states. Coworkers wouldn't silence their phones. 12:19 p.m., August 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: So when I got stuck in an alley behind the elephant run, years later, I knew how to sneak out through the plant. 12:13 p.m., August 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I worked there less than a day before I stumbled and was nearly gored by a tusk, which ended up getting broken. 12:09 p.m., August 16, 2011

Last night's dream: In a past life, I worked at a meatpacking plant where they run elephants like the bulls of Pamplona in an outdoor arena. 12:06 p.m., August 16, 2011

Among the new wireless networks that've recently appeared in our area in anticipation of fall semester: ANKYSKEEZIN and RapeBait. Oh boy... 11:28 p.m., August 14, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: We weren't fast enough, though—a boat of rioters pulled up at the back dock looking for people to attack and rob. 6:06 p.m., August 13, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The honey-colored kimono didn't match the rest, but I had to have it—it was cold out! I tied it on in a rush. 6:00 p.m., August 13, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I put on slate-colored ankle socks and black-and-purple ballet flats, leaving behind the ancient Chinese spats. 5:55 p.m., August 13, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: We weren't allowed to take much of anything, so I set out barefoot and broke into a professor's house for shoes. 5:54 p.m., August 13, 2011

Last night's dream: Something in the city went wrong, and we were sent on a Great Migration west—followed by a Great Riot of those left. 5:51 p.m., August 13, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: And then it hit me. I guess I hadn't noticed the speaker's name before: It was Dr. Hans Grom. We had to go back! 12:28 p.m., August 12, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: We left to find Dr. Grom. He was our only hope. On the way, I finally got my phone to load the Riverfront Times. 12:28 p.m., August 12, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: He said it was Dr. Grom's—and only he could stop this. I called and got voicemail. I dialed 0 to get someone... 12:27 p.m., August 12, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: We were sitting in the school's foyer when the elderly security guard walked over, shaking. He told me a number. 12:27 p.m., August 12, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Chris King called: He'd been abducted by four guys, bag over his head. He just escaped. The shooter was real. 12:27 p.m., August 12, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Nonetheless, some friends of mine—against my better advice—formed a four-person squad to take out the shooter. 12:27 p.m., August 12, 2011

Last night's dream: We'd all heard the warning that the speaker at my old grade school would be shot and killed onstage. Few believed it. 12:26 p.m., August 12, 2011

The Animals' "It's My Life" and The Kinks' "Tired of Waiting for You" have melded in my mind. 3:08 p.m., August 11, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke with The Animals' "It's My Life" in my head. http://lil.b27.org/sqhvc 12:21 p.m., August 11, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I went to a classroom for a work videoconference call. People kept getting distracted and walking away. 12:16 p.m., August 11, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: We also saw a tiny baby successfully swim across the parking lot by himself—he was just a natural-born swimmer. 12:15 p.m., August 11, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I whirled a little boy around in faux-judo before he realized he was lost. He soon fell asleep in a hot-dog bun. 12:13 p.m., August 11, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: My husband and I swam across a flooded parking lot to shelter in a school, which was hosting olympiad sign-ups. 12:10 p.m., August 11, 2011

Last night's dream: One boss got real annoying real quick, demanding that her stuff be done first, then taking it off my desk when I was up. 12:04 p.m., August 11, 2011

@metroidbaby Mm, good call; I didn't think of that. Technically, it doesn't mean anything—it wasn't a vanity plate—but I like to speculate! 8:10 p.m., August 10, 2011

"Don't do this. I don't care who you are." http://lil.b27.org/wzlpg @fmanjoo understands—and possibly reads AskMe? http://lil.b27.org/cuqnv 3:13 a.m., August 10, 2011

License plate spotted on the way to lunch yesterday: "CA7 L0V"—pronounced "cat love," right? (Odd synchronicity: http://lil.b27.org/iisly.) 2:26 a.m., August 10, 2011

Oh yeah, I also crossed paths with a one-eared rabbit in last night's dream. Anyone know its symbolism? 1:12 p.m., August 09, 2011

Misread: "St. Louis Deals | Guitar Cleaning & Professional Installation." That would be gutter cleaning—but I guess you get the mood I'm in. 12:45 p.m., August 09, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke with Magnolia Summer's "Like Setting Suns" in my head. http://lil.b27.org/ywbyk 12:36 p.m., August 09, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I guess that just reflected my hypocrisy, though, in having @voltarine ask her friends to work on their days off. 12:22 p.m., August 09, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: But I didn't need second sight to see how enthusiastic @thomascrone was to meet me—the half-handshake covered it. 12:18 p.m., August 09, 2011

Last night's dream: I found a way to use my third eye/second sight to see what was really going on when people's stories didn't line up. 12:05 p.m., August 09, 2011

Last night's dream: In South Dakota when the snow's coming, it isn't the best idea to sit in a bus on the side of the road. But we did. 12:10 p.m., August 08, 2011

Misread: "The Guardian describes her new tunes as 'tuneless melodies.'" That would be "timeless." 3:41 p.m., August 05, 2011

Today smells like slightly damp cinnamon toast. 3:31 p.m., August 05, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I saw something that moved me to tears—but even then, I knew I was being manipulated by the background music. 12:17 p.m., August 05, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I got a bike, began navigating the grid. Some kids showed me the best city climbing tree—their size, not mine. 12:14 p.m., August 05, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: They were living in an old ceramics lab with two (two!) dishwashers and leading kids through the urban jungle. 12:11 p.m., August 05, 2011

Last night's dream: En route to the restaurant in the woods, we got a flat. On the way to get help, I fell in with some urban explorers. 12:08 p.m., August 05, 2011

First a coworker handed me @voltarine's mail; then a store worker asked her where her sister—i.e., I—was. And we're both wearing red shirts. 5:41 p.m., August 04, 2011

For a second, I blanked on the store name: "Andro—? Apology—? No... Oh! Anthropologie!" 7:51 p.m., August 03, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: It was my mistake—but listen, jerk, it's not funny to resubmerge someone's waterlogged camera just for kicks. 12:12 p.m., August 02, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I handed that one off to a boy and went back to my main axe, a digital Canon—and accidentally submerged it. 12:09 p.m., August 02, 2011

Last night's dream: The rock around my old driveway had eroded into beautiful, sunset-striated waves. I took a few pics with an old camera. 12:07 p.m., August 02, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I just wanted to do something that had nothing to do with my dreams, in a place with no expectations. I gave up. 12:38 p.m., August 01, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: After that, I quit my job to work where my husband does. I couldn't take the pressure and discord on both sides. 12:36 p.m., August 01, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I may have run back in for my glasses—I'm not sure. But I know this signaled the end of personal ambition for me. 12:33 p.m., August 01, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: As we approached his room—me sans glasses—he burst out in his underwear with a gun. We backed toward the door. 12:25 p.m., August 01, 2011

Last night's dream: Hooligans had taken over my father's basement to throw a party. We went in their door, then slowly ventured upstairs. 12:22 p.m., August 01, 2011

"...since the trustees are on the lookout for it." I can't imagine my alma mater's trustees being on the lookout for anything. #unrealistic 9:12 p.m., July 30, 2011

Last night, I saw the "Curb Your Enthusiasm" episode with Sharon Lawrence; today, I realized she was in the "Ghost Whisperer" one I was on. 5:18 p.m., July 30, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: So I put the sodas in the fridge and went back to digging my clean laundry out of his stack of dirty laundry. 3:52 p.m., July 30, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I went to show my husband all the new Japanese Shasta variants, like "Foot-Shaped Shrimp" soda, but he was busy. 3:48 p.m., July 30, 2011

Pro tip from my dream: Don't drive the road near (or put your new-wave pizza ceramics out to dry near) a three-stack icebreaker ship's wake. 3:28 p.m., July 30, 2011

What I just wrote on a layout: "Needs brown font for colon." Well, yeah. 4:26 p.m., July 29, 2011

Last night's dream: I slid over a factory floor in my socks and pajamas, then ran into @daranciang recycling cardboard into pulp for class. 12:06 p.m., July 29, 2011

@freepress Why isn't this on your map? http://lil.b27.org/mbxev http://lil.b27.org/dxlci 4:27 p.m., July 28, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Outside later, I noticed new trends: 1. Cars with frameless glass tops. 2. Hinged letters on the side of trucks. 12:14 p.m., July 28, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: A manager made an example of me by making me stay late to rebuild the bleachers, as everyone else streamed home. 12:12 p.m., July 28, 2011

Last night's dream: On deadline at the office, I invited some street urchins in to play video games, and broke two mini sets of bleachers. 12:06 p.m., July 28, 2011

The U. City Centennial Greenway portion gets dedicated Friday—but the route's already marked in Google Maps. http://lil.b27.org/ufvzm #STL 9:39 p.m., July 27, 2011

In the past 24 hours, I've been evacuated from a building, lived without air conditioning, and cooked a boy dinner on a hot rock. #survival 4:52 a.m., July 26, 2011

I misread "Spaderma" as "Spaderman," and for a second I thought someone was basing a superhero (or supervillain?) on James Spader. Too bad! 2:53 p.m., July 25, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I wasn't trying to interrupt "high time"—truly, I wasn't—but I had to buy something and they were taking a while. 12:25 p.m., July 25, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The guys working overnight at a convenience store were using the coffee grinder and postal scale to pack drugs. 12:22 p.m., July 25, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: It was a classic "Would you rather?": Would you rather eat a donut with your least favorite coworker or eat none? 12:11 p.m., July 25, 2011

Last night's dream: I developed a body-paint and nail-polish pattern that resembled a series of interlocking glazed and/or blueberry donuts. 12:05 p.m., July 25, 2011

Found in the dictionary: "boring sponge." Isn't that redundant? 9:40 p.m., July 24, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: As I moved files to a new system, my parents looking on, the images became a bit too lascivious; I minimized 'em. 3:31 p.m., July 24, 2011

Last night's dream: I was living in my dad's basement again—this time with plastic sheeting taped to the drop ceiling to keep down the dust. 3:27 p.m., July 24, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I went into the bathroom again on my way out—and there was the business manager from work, trying to lock it up. 3:18 p.m., July 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: What I also didn't know: Dinner was part of a wake. Before long, @netaustin's mother and sister insisted I leave. 3:16 p.m., July 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: But I didn't know that yet. I ran into @netaustin outside, and he invited me to have dinner with his family. 3:11 p.m., July 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: It turns out, this was part of a cabin owned by @netaustin's family—and I'd unwittingly yelled at his sister. 3:09 p.m., July 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The stalls were awful; someone walked through the back of mine and stole my toilet paper. I was pissed. (Heh.) 3:07 p.m., July 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I went into the wood-paneled bathroom and found a bunch of musicians and actors warming up, moving supplies... 3:05 p.m., July 23, 2011

Last night's dream: I should've used the toilet tricycle I saw on the way to get @k1mothy. Once I got to where she was, options were slim. 3:04 p.m., July 23, 2011

Sure, subscriptions are a strange business—but I was still startled to realize I just finished the October 2011 issue of Analog in mid-July. 2:42 a.m., July 23, 2011

I love how nearly all of the "locations" with dropped calls so far are roads. http://lil.b27.org/burqs http://lil.b27.org/zzqji #STL 8:33 p.m., July 22, 2011

This is probably karma. http://lil.b27.org/wrbmo http://lil.b27.org/ukzoz 2:19 p.m., July 22, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I killed a tiny fish by lifting it from its tank and letting it flop on the floor. I have no idea why I did that. 12:22 p.m., July 22, 2011

Revelation from last night's dream: "It's just always somethin', isn't it?" 12:06 p.m., July 22, 2011

Seen on the shoulder at the bottom of I-170: A six-pack of Budweiser bottles, neatly placed back in their original cardboard carrier. #STL 11:08 p.m., July 21, 2011

Today on FOX 2, I've seen an anchor silently yell at staff for an audio outage and a reporter risk head injury slip-'n'-slide bowling. #STL 2:20 p.m., July 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: And still the thing followed me. The car weaving across lanes on my old street didn't scare me as much as it did. 11:20 a.m., July 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I drove across the lawn—past my father, who was playing piano by the front porch—leaving tracks in the dry grass. 11:18 a.m., July 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I left behind one pair of flip-flops when I first fled; luckily I had another pair in the car. I started driving. 11:16 a.m., July 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I went by my old house—and there was my brother, coaxing the thing with rabies out of a tree. I ran for my car. 11:14 a.m., July 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: He was planning to move; @k1mothy was working on an online notebook that was only secure through obscurity. 11:12 a.m., July 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: It seems one of our friends from high school was having just as much trouble as I was with a lack of insulation. 11:10 a.m., July 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I ran away, shutting the door right in the animal's face, then yelled through the crack, "Sorry, thanks, bye!" 11:09 a.m., July 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: He was caring for a bunch of sick animals, including one with rabies that attacked and followed me everywhere. 11:07 a.m., July 21, 2011

Last night's dream: It was my last week of college, and I was doing everything but studying and going to class. I went to visit my brother. 11:06 a.m., July 21, 2011

It used to be, you had to visit a website to get a 301 error. Now, @HotSauceSTL sends the errors straight to your inbox. That's innovation! 2:47 p.m., July 19, 2011

It all makes sense now: The cursed knife is from the cursed city of Effingham. A pox on it, sez Google Short Links: http://lil.b27.org/poxgm 2:29 p.m., July 19, 2011

Imagined conversation: Me: Hey, don't drive with earbuds—it's dangerous. Guy with earbuds: [reaching for gun] Oh you think that's dangerous? 2:07 p.m., July 19, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I ran to brush my teeth before more arrived, but my toothbrush was at home. I rinsed with toothpaste instead. 12:41 p.m., July 19, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: My husband had organized a surprise half-birthday party for me, inviting all of my Facebook friends. 12:36 p.m., July 19, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Soon I saw friends walking up to the house, across neighbors' lawns and through the weeds of the lot next door. 12:32 p.m., July 19, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: To ward off poachers, my father had armed the perimeter with 3-foot darts; one was stuck in that elephant's back. 12:31 p.m., July 19, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The elephants weren't doing well. One reared up, turned his eye to the window, and watched me. Another was hurt. 12:27 p.m., July 19, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I went home after that—not to my house, but to my father's. It seems he'd been keeping a small herd of elephants. 12:25 p.m., July 19, 2011

Last night's dream: I went to a new mall barbecue place @stlmag_relish recommended. The owner wasn't very helpful—but the food was good. 12:23 p.m., July 19, 2011

"Times New Roan"—for trojan horses? 9:32 p.m., July 18, 2011

Logic: The knife must've gotten nicked when it fell on me in June, making it more likely to cut my husband, too. Magic: The knife is cursed. 2:58 p.m., July 18, 2011

"Prime Minister David Cameron...ordered a special parliamentary session to debate the widening phone-hacking scandal." What's to debate? 1:51 p.m., July 18, 2011

Clearly that was lucky—both in person and as a tweet (No. 1,777)—'cause immediately after that, I found a penny. 12:51 a.m., July 18, 2011

Following the manager to Dierbergs' customer-service desk, we passed another guy who needed help—wearing the same @ShakesPizza shirt I was. 12:46 a.m., July 18, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I met a woman who'd dropped nursing to make chocolate marshmallows. As I told @ryansechrest, I envied her. 4:35 p.m., July 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Deadlines were being scheduled into my vacation week—as if I wouldn't know what to do with all that leisure time. 4:32 p.m., July 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I instated a sparkly new tag on our status writeboards: "Pushed," meaning I pushed it through with barely a look. 4:27 p.m., July 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: All scheduling a vacation had done, though, was throw everyone at work into a frenzy: How Will The Work Get Done? 4:26 p.m., July 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: At 3 a.m., when I got home, my husband was still up. The next week, we were slated for a vacation at the lake. 4:25 p.m., July 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: As if in a trance, I went with @voltarine to Schnucks and watched her pour sparkle toppings on her ice cream. 4:22 p.m., July 17, 2011

Last night's dream: I was stuck at work 'til midnight again and hadn't called my husband—then it was 1 a.m. and @voltarine wanted ice cream. 4:21 p.m., July 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: All of the cruft of my childhood was in piles on a back turnaround; I had to clear some off so cars could fit. 6:22 p.m., July 16, 2011

Last night's dream: At some point, dark-blue goo exploded in strings all over two of our plates—one of which was my husband's mother's. 6:19 p.m., July 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I was bitten on the toe by a tiny rattlesnake. 2:48 p.m., July 15, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: But when I saw her under the car I couldn't stop—I had to get to my gang's next safe room before I got shot down. 12:44 p.m., July 15, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: It was horrifying—much of her skin melted into a red puddle, while her upturned face hardened and cracked. 12:33 p.m., July 15, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: One day, while being chased, the woman attempted to slide under a car, where she got stuck—and her skin burned. 12:29 p.m., July 15, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: And she thought in unexpected ways. In hindsight, it seems obvious that the scientists should've expected that. 12:27 p.m., July 15, 2011

Last night's dream: Scientists engineered a woman whose body was made of entirely right-handed molecules. She was blonde with deep red skin. 12:24 p.m., July 15, 2011

Great AskMe juxtaposition: "Where do couples from floor-sleeping countries have sex?" is followed by a question about a stain on the floor. 8:53 p.m., July 14, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I pointed out that the site would only charge you $200 for shopping if you checked out there, and he relaxed. 5:34 p.m., July 09, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: An old bookstore friend was shopping for tires online—and worried the website would charge him $200 to do so. 5:32 p.m., July 09, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The way to get around there was to buy a giant animate pesto-pizza breadstick and ride it until it disintegrated. 5:31 p.m., July 09, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: My husband and I went down South for a visit and found a valley of tiny houses built into grass-tufted dunes. 5:28 p.m., July 09, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The nanny and the girl inhabited a shared dream state where the girl ruled from a tiny pink motorized chair. 5:27 p.m., July 09, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: A DVD had taken over the DVD/TV combo, spitting out just a mini CD for the bewildered nanny. She felt so tired... 5:23 p.m., July 09, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: A little girl appeared to be wandering her house alone, her nanny asleep. Suddenly, the memories flooded back. 5:19 p.m., July 09, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: As the woman went into the back room to choose our DVDs, I yelled, "'80s romantic comedies are always good!" 5:18 p.m., July 09, 2011

Last night's dream: I inhabited my masculine aspect, and my girlfriend went for the "30 DVDs for $10, our choice" deal at the video store. 5:14 p.m., July 09, 2011

Yesterday was 7/7; it sucked. Tonight's bill? $77.77. Double the luck, or double the suck? 3:53 a.m., July 09, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I think I'd embarrassed her, and asking her to move her stuff so I could sit nearby didn't help. She sighed. 12:08 p.m., July 07, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I walked the aisles for a minute—my circulation manager hadn't yet started class—before spotting @k1mothy. 12:05 p.m., July 07, 2011

Last night's dream: A woman cut me off just before one of the bridges into South City. It turns out, we were both late for the same class. 12:04 p.m., July 07, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I took a bus up to Cross Keys. I shot the sunset on the way up; my camera could see over roofs via rendering. 11:57 a.m., July 05, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: So I tried to organize a dinner run with my mother and coworkers. But places were too far away and no one agreed. 11:47 a.m., July 05, 2011

Last night's dream: I had forms to fill out so the interns would be properly credited for their work before we published—but I was hungry. 11:43 a.m., July 05, 2011

My first move ever on Words With Friends: LIME, for 18 points. 4:14 p.m., July 04, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The soccer game—well, I sucked, a guy lifted me and wouldn't put me down, and the bathroom was coed and all open. 2:37 p.m., July 03, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: But I spent too long counting the silverware and when I checked, it was 4:27 p.m.—almost time for my soccer game. 2:33 p.m., July 03, 2011

Last night's dream: I was chased around the hills near my father's house by a would-be rapist, then went to buy silverware at a park market. 2:29 p.m., July 03, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke with Crowded House's "Mean to Me" in my head. http://lil.b27.org/fjewl 12:30 p.m., July 02, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I ended up falling through the snow into freezing water. I feared hypothermia, but no one would help me get warm. 12:00 p.m., July 02, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Then to get back to what was now the college newspaper office, I took an impossible sidewalk road through fields. 11:57 a.m., July 02, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I went to get out of the office for a while and ended up gluing books into a bookcase with an old trade friend. 11:54 a.m., July 02, 2011

Last night's dream: A designer kept handing me article layouts that were pages too long, saying, "That's OK, right?" I was about to lose it. 11:46 a.m., July 02, 2011

Signs of incipient brain damage: I got home, put a Hot Pocket in the microwave, shut the door, and walked away. Obviously, nothing happened. 11:16 p.m., June 30, 2011

It was like this at Matador at 21, too. Dudes! http://lil.b27.org/qgrgm #matadorat21 #matador21 @matadorat21 7:45 p.m., June 29, 2011

I clicked "Teen girls turn out to be undercover cops" and got "Atheist billboard removed from church land in Ohio." What's up, @stltoday? 7:19 p.m., June 29, 2011

Google's black bar idea has been around a long time. Don't forget, Cuil was founded by Google alums. http://lil.b27.org/imuys @bermonpainter 3:56 p.m., June 29, 2011

Did you know there used to be a magazine called "Sex and Saint Louis"? http://lil.b27.org/zqzlm http://lil.b27.org/jlahv 2:25 p.m., June 29, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I didn't know anyone in the NICU; I just wanted to visit. But I felt awkward immediately, and forgot to sanitize. 12:27 p.m., June 29, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I took off my pants—only because I was hot—then realized his wife might not like that. I left to visit the NICU. 12:22 p.m., June 29, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The old gang went to lunch together again; then I ended up at the house of a just-married college acquaintance. 12:16 p.m., June 29, 2011

Last night's dream: I woke up late, at 10:88 a.m., and played hooky. @k1mothy covered for me, telling each teacher I was with another. 12:13 p.m., June 29, 2011

The alt text: "OMG Ponies ponies ponies" and "Fotolia - best images evar!" Advertising method: "Appeal to bronies." http://lil.b27.org/btvvl 2:14 p.m., June 28, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Nearby was a town where one could buy a purse, cheese, and ashes. Bury them, and when they rotted, you were free. 12:31 p.m., June 28, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: But some of our practices even we knew were backward, like pairing up with someone to show alliance with another. 12:26 p.m., June 28, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The researcher just wanted the solution to a formula, which for us could be solved in the way we sliced peppers. 12:22 p.m., June 28, 2011

Last night's dream: Everything in our town turned out to be the trans to another universe's cis, and a researcher wanted to study us. 12:19 p.m., June 28, 2011

Clearly my phone's camera takes nothing but happy images. Witness its first photo: http://lil.b27.org/ayhts 2:12 a.m., June 28, 2011

Evil by any name: http://lil.b27.org/aatqf 2:09 a.m., June 28, 2011

I love that in My Verizon, next to my phone model, it says "Eligible for a discount on 2/25/13 !" This is exciting? 1:55 a.m., June 28, 2011

Spotted by @voltarine next to the parsley outside of Whole Foods: a tiny, angry, bobbleheaded kitty. http://lil.b27.org/zuxcz 1:53 a.m., June 28, 2011

To the squirrel trapped in the dumpster: Sorry we didn't let you out. It's just that the noises you were making kind of deterred us. 1:49 a.m., June 25, 2011

Last night's dream: I saw people at work taking business courses and figured it'd be easy. @yeahlikethat came by and lost things in my room. 12:15 p.m., June 24, 2011

Dear @zappos: Did someone accidentally copy and paste twice on your contact page? http://lil.b27.org/ctfud http://lil.b27.org/intjf 3:15 p.m., June 23, 2011

I keep accidentally typing "blood moon" instead of "blue moon." 3:03 p.m., June 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: So we clung to the ledge in the snow, as my friend waited for his ride to somewhere else—always somewhere else. 2:34 p.m., June 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I realized before my friend did that it was possible to lean back against the next building's roof and slide it. 2:30 p.m., June 23, 2011

Last night's dream: I told @netaustin to hold on a minute, and went to get his present. But soon I was on a snowy, rickety bus-stop ledge. 2:29 p.m., June 23, 2011

There's nothing "covert" about "STL Now on ABC 30 powered by NewsChannel 5." http://lil.b27.org/gowdb http://lil.b27.org/kycly @freepress 2:27 p.m., June 23, 2011

Last night's dream: An ex appeared on my hotel-room balcony and silently handed me my green paint–covered paintbrush, like "This is yours." 12:41 a.m., June 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke with Arcade Fire's "We Used to Wait" in my head. http://lil.b27.org/yzzvg 3:13 p.m., June 18, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: When I came back, I sat on one of my husband's friends' laps and blew my husband a kiss. Everyone just laughed... 3:07 p.m., June 18, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I drove the stretch of road over the river near the villa, managing to jump the missing pavement sections. 3:00 p.m., June 18, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: A man gestured me into a room with only one exit—it was the one my husband warned me about. I did an about-face. 2:56 p.m., June 18, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Someone felt me up in a back room before realizing it was me; a little later I peed on myself when I saw a mouse. 2:50 p.m., June 18, 2011

Last night's dream: Our reception was drunken and debaucherous. Everyone laughed a bit too hard, grew flushed. It'd probably hurt tomorrow. 2:45 p.m., June 18, 2011

Email subject of the day: "Matt Holliday singing autographs TODAY." I didn't know he could sing! Is this a thing? http://lil.b27.org/umaem 3:06 p.m., June 17, 2011

I like Frank Black's music, but I don't really want to watch him making it. As my husband put it: "Why can't someone else be you?" 4:04 a.m., June 17, 2011

@khoi Yes! The answer is the recycled (and recyclable) Preserve toothbrush at Trader Joe's: http://lil.b27.org/ntcaq 2:36 a.m., June 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Learned in flight: Dunes with roads over them apparently have posted curve ratings and "ideal path" instructions. 12:25 p.m., June 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: When it came time to really flee, though, it was too late to worry about our headlights bobbing across the dunes. 12:23 p.m., June 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Then things grew sinister. We could be shadowed—so we practiced evasive techniques, smoothing the snow behind us. 12:20 p.m., June 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I'd managed to pack everything for a weeklong trip into a backpack—but even that had to go in back, said my boss. 12:17 p.m., June 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: At a party, @GreatDismal saw me and sent a butler to assist me. I'm not that recognizable, but he knows everyone. 12:14 p.m., June 16, 2011

Last night's dream: The list for the potluck read like a list written by my ex to showcase his "awesome" Tacosasparilla [sic] salsa. 12:09 p.m., June 16, 2011

Dear @Twitter: I don't want my links automatically shortened. I like rolling my own—and http://t.co looks too much like #tcot for my tastes. 2:29 a.m., June 16, 2011

Sounds like: Billy Joel meets Cheap Trick. http://lil.b27.org/nhttv 2:20 a.m., June 16, 2011

Does this woman with the vanity plates know what "7175" means in 1337? 2:40 p.m., June 15, 2011

Come on, @demandprogress. I've signed petitions and emailed my congresspeople before. I don't need to be tricked into opening your emails. 2:35 p.m., June 14, 2011

Misread: "$98.98 for a professional meth-lab teeth whitening system." That would be a "lab-made" teeth-whitening system. 12:10 p.m., June 14, 2011

Last night's dream: The important thing when traveling across the water was making sure your boxes were well-taped, top and bottom. 12:07 p.m., June 14, 2011

Night before last's dream: Something went wrong with the water supply. I was the only one who knew the location of the magic pouch of water. 12:05 p.m., June 14, 2011

Everyone you ever knew looks like someone else. http://lil.b27.org/xfxew Soundtrack: http://lil.b27.org/wxgus http://lil.b27.org/negdk 2:04 p.m., June 12, 2011

"I always forget Ferguson." That could be its motto. 5:07 p.m., June 11, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: "Do you mean 'contents' strategy?" whispered my husband. "No," I whispered back. 4:57 p.m., June 11, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The set was anchored with glow-in-the-dark glue, so I fixed a flashlight on it while discussing content strategy. 4:56 p.m., June 11, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: We lost some of her stuff, so the end of the evening was spent searching for it and piecing together a train set. 4:54 p.m., June 11, 2011

Last night's dream: We had a "destination reception" in Michigan, where a family friend cleared space in her cabin for guests to sleep over. 4:53 p.m., June 11, 2011

St. Louis: While we were gone, someone turned on the oven. 4:52 p.m., June 11, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: We were staking out patches of floor space for our beds and belongings when the storm came. We invited others in. 1:00 p.m., June 10, 2011

Last night's dream: We moved into a partly underground dorm, with tall windows on one side, carpeted foam floors, and one interior wall. 12:57 p.m., June 10, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke with @frontierruckus' "Rosemont" in my head. I ain't seen these things in vain. http://lil.b27.org/xhgir 1:05 p.m., June 10, 2011

"Take a few days off from your 'busy schedule' and join us..." I know the invitation was earnest, but you might rethink the quotation marks. 4:17 p.m., June 07, 2011

This is an "important message from Moltey Fool Co-founder Tom Gardner"—so important, the sender misspelled the name of his own website. 3:56 p.m., June 07, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Later my family went to a concert in Effingham, IL. We were offered seats near the front, but my father declined. 12:38 p.m., June 07, 2011

Last night's dream: My boss lost his wallet. I saw where it landed—in the middle of a freeway interchange—and set out to try to get it. 12:34 p.m., June 07, 2011

The last week's dreams were anxious ones, fueled by a brain unused to leisure. I skipped math class, hired @yeahlikethat as an assassin... 4:34 a.m., June 07, 2011

"Hey, baby. You wanna go to Beaver Island with me?" (No really—we just saw a commercial for it: http://beaverisland.org.) 2:29 a.m., June 03, 2011

Wedding Ground Rules, Pt. 4: I'm tired! 5:07 a.m., May 29, 2011

Last night's dream: I beat the crap out of my father in a creepy gallery/haunted house. People from work and strangers alike bothered me. 1:08 p.m., May 27, 2011

Wedding Ground Rules, Pt. 3: 4. No, uh, kissing the maid of honor. She doesn't like that. See Rule No. 3. 3:23 a.m., May 27, 2011

Wedding Ground Rules, Pt. 2: 3. If you get the bride into the roach enclosure, it's your job to get her out again—and brush off the dress. 3:19 a.m., May 27, 2011

Wedding Ground Rules, Pt. 1: 1. No roach noises. 2. No punching. 3. No judo or "action by inaction" that leaves the bride on the ground. 3:17 a.m., May 27, 2011

It seems like this time of the spring has been crazy for everyone, not just us! (Symptom: I accidentally typed "nut just us.") 6:28 p.m., May 26, 2011

"Buy clothes" looks a lot like "boy clothes" when viewed at an angle—and, well, that is what we're going to be buying. 4:32 a.m., May 26, 2011

The book on my shelf about hauntings just tipped over. 2:37 p.m., May 23, 2011

The Fucked Up site is apparently fucked up. http://lil.b27.org/ohvnt 3:16 p.m., May 22, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: There were two rooms like this on the landing. It seemed the hoteliers had once lost both a son and a daughter. 12:41 p.m., May 22, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Up off the landing was a room with a locked glass door—and a lighted floor, with toys galore. It was a memorial. 12:40 p.m., May 22, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Settled into a basement room, we went exploring upstairs, past metaphorical and literary figurines in cases. 12:39 p.m., May 22, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: My mom had managed to stuff a good amount of my brother's and my clothes into the old Subaru she had on hand. 12:37 p.m., May 22, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: A motel in a nearby town was taking temporary guests for $1.90, or $7.90 for the night. We stopped there. 12:36 p.m., May 22, 2011

Last night's dream: A flood was coming fast. We waited...until it was halfway up the parking lot, before figuring my dad just wasn't coming. 12:34 p.m., May 22, 2011

Last night's dream: I saw an invisible rabbit with ears like a sprig of green violet leaves, hopping across the lawn. 2:04 p.m., May 20, 2011

The first email subject line I saw after talking through some office drama: "DIVE INTO DRAMA." 3:07 p.m., May 18, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: She paused to look at me. "I'm patiently waiting until you're done adding new details to the scenario," I said. 12:43 p.m., May 18, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: She started narrating the scenario I was drawing—but she was wrong, wrong, wrong. I stopped and glared at her. 12:37 p.m., May 18, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Seeing my disinterest, she changed the scenario: Write a word problem about the home invasion. I started to draw. 12:34 p.m., May 18, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The next day in class, as I was still processing this, a teacher tried to interest me in devising a word problem. 12:32 p.m., May 18, 2011

Last night's dream: An outlaw had broken into my mother's house and hidden in the basement. I discovered him and got her to call 911. 12:29 p.m., May 18, 2011

Dear writers: The URL isn't whatever you want it to be. You can't just "make it pretty" and have it still work. You need .shtml, .aspx, etc. 8:14 p.m., May 17, 2011

Dear Restaurateur: If you'd like us to write about your location, you might try having a menu bar that doesn't disappear when I click on it. 10:01 p.m., May 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Oh yeah, and somewhere earlier in the stream of things, I attempted to housebreak a puppy, with many travails. 12:17 p.m., May 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I tried to remember the answers to some common MeFi posers (e.g. "?n is n"), but @mathowie kept tickling my foot. 12:15 p.m., May 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I fell out of my chair asking about opportunities to write for MeFi, forgetting the $5 I paid for that privilege. 12:12 p.m., May 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The best part, though, was the info session on MetaFilter I ended up in. @mathowie and @joshmillard were there. 12:11 p.m., May 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: As the ground moved up and down, some amazing parallax effects were visible—as was an ancient sacrifice temple. 12:07 p.m., May 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I found my way to a place in the mountains of the Southwest where the ground moved like someone breathing. 12:05 p.m., May 16, 2011

Last night's dream: Dwight Schrute took me on a journey through a cafeteria and on a bus in the snow. I saw yet another sick goldfish. 12:04 p.m., May 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: We left for the new witches' house at the end of the street—a fitting destination for Friday the 13th. 1:00 p.m., May 13, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I went into my stash and found a $24 bill—a series of currency that wasn't valid unless you X'd off two fields. 12:59 p.m., May 13, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: "Hey, there she is!" said the janitor. He mentioned the stuff I still had stored in the department's closets. 12:58 p.m., May 13, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: He didn't get that you don't color clay by mixing in the glaze—and that it's bad to contaminate others' scales. 12:56 p.m., May 13, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: We went to a school's art studio and sat down with some clay—only to have our friend tip red crystals all over. 12:54 p.m., May 13, 2011

Last night's dream: I heard a hoverjet landing on the roof of my apartment building in the middle of the night. I looked up at it and fled. 12:50 p.m., May 13, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: After that, it was time to take shelter; spring was beautiful, but a terminator was on the loose. 12:05 p.m., May 12, 2011

Last night's dream: I found the Eliot cache of keys/jewelry in a low stone wall by the road. @jcooperman had once worn one of the necklaces. 12:03 p.m., May 12, 2011

Misread: "99.1 percent magically derived." A.k.a. naturally derived. That's what I get for reading about wizards... 11:53 p.m., May 10, 2011

Last night's dream: Al Swacker, as I finished the @rftmusic poll: "You voted for The Incurables, right?" Of course! http://lil.b27.org/hxkyq 12:42 p.m., May 10, 2011

I got a solicitation to check out an illustrator's "Dripbook." I'm guessing someone's already made the requisite "Dripbook—for drips?" quip? 9:06 p.m., May 09, 2011

@Regretsy Here's one for you, via @BrittneyBush: http://lil.b27.org/yysjz 2:32 a.m., May 09, 2011

It figures that on my day off, I'd find a typo on a package of cheese. (Each slice has 5! Five what? Oops, left the "g" off 5 g of protein.) 10:39 p.m., May 08, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: But the coup de grâce was boarding a second bus for our flight—and leaving my wedding bag on the first one. Agh! 12:59 p.m., May 07, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Although we learned that the officer was really looking for his serial-killer friend, that wasn't very enjoyable. 12:54 p.m., May 07, 2011

Last night's dream: Thanks for the great ideas, Mom. There's nothing like almost getting arrested for sneaking into a second symphony show. 12:51 p.m., May 07, 2011

Not counting doubles, there are only seven Google results for "noonishtime." http://lil.b27.org/hwgzu 1:49 a.m., May 07, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: And in the midst of this, he's upset because no one ironed his corduroy coat, which he's wearing to the wedding? 10:41 a.m., May 05, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: When, after that last discovery, I went outside for air, small animals started trying to get inside to eat it. 10:39 a.m., May 05, 2011

Last night's dream: My father's house was intractable, with stuff strewn everywhere. There was even a dead rabbit under an armchair cushion. 10:38 a.m., May 05, 2011

Pizza Island! http://lil.b27.org/rwggg Although if I had a coworking startup, it'd be called Spaghetti Island. http://lil.b27.org/yvipp 1:01 a.m., May 05, 2011

Miley Cyrus looks like she's channeling someone with scoliosis. I guess technically, she is—or is trying to. http://lil.b27.org/lfzse 12:23 a.m., May 05, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: But a tiny @yorkshirethorn lost her theodolite and circumflex pins and asked me to take her to them. So I stayed. 1:00 p.m., May 04, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: When we were allowed out of the tent to play ski-pole hockey and visit Office Depot, we thought we'd escape. 12:56 p.m., May 04, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: His father paced with the documents. He was upset not that his son was a werewolf—but that he'd posted it online. 12:54 p.m., May 04, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I envied him...until the lawsuit. He'd been writing about his lupinity online, and one of the parents noticed. 12:50 p.m., May 04, 2011

Last night's dream: We lived amid the interior's primary colors and weren't allowed out—but my friend the teen werewolf found a way through. 12:49 p.m., May 04, 2011

Misread: "Apologies to the sentient." That's going on my short list of potential album titles... http://lil.b27.org/gzbeg 11:53 p.m., May 03, 2011

Roquefort cheese looks like something out of Minecraft. 8:50 p.m., May 03, 2011

Last night's dream: Someone toppled my guitar. The clover-mite infestation I'd seen in a previous dream grew to where others could see it. 12:53 p.m., May 02, 2011

I'm not sure I even remembered today was Yom HaShoah—Holocaust Remembrance Day—but I guess my dreams did. Never forget—let's see THAT trend. 1:47 p.m., May 01, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: They recommended one boy with neo-Nazi leanings study gardening—and he became a famed shaper of fascist gardens. 1:38 p.m., May 01, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: In the aftermath of one neo-Nazi college basketball player's actions, teachers were cautious in recommendations. 1:33 p.m., May 01, 2011

Last night's dream: In @k1mothy's and my new high school, the first six lockers were reserved for kids who were victims of ethnic violence. 1:31 p.m., May 01, 2011

Corrected caption: "Royal wedding: Spot yourself with a camera in front of your face in our hi-def crowd picture." http://lil.b27.org/qvgzb 6:13 p.m., April 30, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: ...but when I saw them sidling toward the door, I swept back in front of it. No Atari game was worth my car. 1:29 p.m., April 30, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I demanded the owner tell them to return my car; I knew they'd listen to him. I edged toward the Atari games... 1:27 p.m., April 30, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I went into a shop I knew had a back way into the garage and waited. When they came upstairs, I blocked the door. 1:24 p.m., April 30, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: That wasn't the best idea. When I unlocked my car, three of 'em jumped into it and drove into the parking garage. 1:23 p.m., April 30, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Afterward, in the parking lot, a car full of tattooed guys in tank tops started taunting me. I yelled right back. 1:22 p.m., April 30, 2011

Last night's dream: I went to the MSA prom, held in a mall atrium, with friends, wearing a clingy, sparkly-red sleeveless shift dress. 1:20 p.m., April 30, 2011

Last night's dream: The snake didn't love me in college; what made me think it would now? I was blinded by lack of sleep. 12:23 p.m., April 29, 2011

The first word of the fortune I couldn't help peeking at: "Patience." 2:06 a.m., April 29, 2011

Inappropriate Captions, Pt. 1: "It stripped bark off the trees and you don't know whether it was a tornado?" http://lil.b27.org/khhsc 3:18 p.m., April 28, 2011

A poll question from the Business Journal: "What should be done with damaged Lambert Airport?" Eh, just scrap it, amirite? 3:09 p.m., April 28, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: We went to an R&B supershow, only to find that in the free seats, they played sound-canceling commercials. 12:08 p.m., April 28, 2011

Last night's dream: We dug deep into the soil of the lot next door—only to find an entire underground base, with a couple of old cars. 12:06 p.m., April 28, 2011

Last night's dream: Yes, I convinced my brother to "borrow" a horse from down the street. And no, I didn't think he'd load it into a truck. 12:10 p.m., April 27, 2011

Never use FBackup. I should've gone with my first instinct: The F is for "fail." 7:02 p.m., April 26, 2011

Last night's dream: To avoid the robots on the ground, we learned to swish whisper-soft through the pine trees. 12:47 p.m., April 25, 2011

In the middle of the Fishbone song "When Problems Arise," my computer froze. 6:36 p.m., April 23, 2011

Last night's dream: A guy in a suit tried to knock us out with tiny gas dispensers and hid my mother's closet behind a custom-made screen. 1:14 p.m., April 23, 2011

6 a.m. Prisoners escape downtown. 11 a.m.: Utterly dark. 5 p.m.: Warm/sunny. 8 p.m.: A tornado shuts down the airport, upends semis. #STL! 2:57 a.m., April 23, 2011

"I hope you’ll be able to join us for the telepresser." Who even says that? I thought. Environmentalists, it seems. http://lil.b27.org/zgcec 8:30 p.m., April 22, 2011

It was the kind of thunking, percussive bass line that makes you visualize the mechanics of the music. 5:48 p.m., April 22, 2011

@sambosambo Hmm. I haven't dreamed about robots in a while, but I've been having lots of quasi-wedding-related ones. So probably the latter! 11:34 p.m., April 21, 2011

I'm OK with being unable to see @PublishersWkly as long as today's "guru meditation" has nothing to do with Skynet. http://lil.b27.org/dkbox 7:56 p.m., April 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The buffalo was his joy, even as it nipped at me. He looked disapprovingly on my efforts to control it. Psh—done. 1:02 p.m., April 20, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: He missed those days. "Me too," I said. We went to lie down—but were pounced on by his rambunctious baby buffalo. 12:58 p.m., April 20, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The adventurer was on the ledge. We discussed Archie and Ghostbusters, and how it was before we all parted ways. 12:56 p.m., April 20, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: There, former friends said they'd thought I was still with Chuck Katos. Nope! I moved over to throw a few darts. 12:50 p.m., April 20, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I walked past Birdhouse Boy, lying lost in his own thoughts, and went out to the gliding-dart practice range. 12:43 p.m., April 20, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I agreed to marry an ex, Bondage Boy. Instantly regretful, I slumped by the wall. The new-age boy offered a hand. 12:41 p.m., April 20, 2011

Last night's dream: I think it was a ghost of Elijah dream; exes and ex-friends were assembled for lessons in a small boarding schoolhouse. 12:35 p.m., April 20, 2011

@alexismadrigal There's growing consensus that chronic pain's a disease: http://lil.b27.org/sveez. That said, most on Vicodin don't have it. 3:44 p.m., April 19, 2011

A midmorning mystery: Are there 34,800 Google results for "an intro to an intro," or just 13? http://lil.b27.org/yzcju 2:35 p.m., April 19, 2011

I'm not sure I've ever seen this particular website structure before: an intro to an intro. http://lil.b27.org/retfo 2:32 p.m., April 19, 2011

Everyone's talking about the pooping mailman. Apparently someone also pooped in our parking garage yesterday, and covered it with a napkin. 2:01 p.m., April 19, 2011

Never thought I'd see a local science organization "ann0unce" something. Are O and 0 really that close, or is the writer 1337? 2:02 p.m., April 18, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke with Crowded House's "Mean to Me" in my head. "No, I could not escape," indeed. http://lil.b27.org/fjewl 1:24 p.m., April 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: In a bid to understand the mind of the bank computer, we sought to devise a card—a greeting card—it would accept. 1:16 p.m., April 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: He offered the clear glass bowl of piss to a tiny version of himself, who lapped it up. The nurses were alarmed. 1:15 p.m., April 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Now there were nurses; an experimental machine provided rehydrating soup. Tab drank a bowl, then pissed it out. 1:13 p.m., April 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: One guy, Steve Tab, found a machine and switched minds with a dog. As time went on, he began to forget himself... 1:11 p.m., April 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Sometimes it was cash; sometimes gum, possibly psychoactive; sometimes other items. The house always got it back. 1:10 p.m., April 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Something flipped, and they were in the corridors of a hospital/bank/mall, with endlessly replenishing tables. 1:07 p.m., April 17, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Before they lost radio contact with base, they were figuring out the road's scale: House numbers in 10s or 15s? 1:05 p.m., April 17, 2011

Last night's dream: They pulled into the snowy town, but not in time to talk to its last living resident. She'd died the night before. 1:03 p.m., April 17, 2011

Would it be creepy of me to say your house looks nice in Street View? But it does... 4:22 a.m., April 16, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The punks were subdued, but word of the party had spread. My female self donned the wig and greeted the bigwigs. 12:54 p.m., April 15, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: My anger subsided, and I let my circuit-board guitar rest. The hair became a wig, which I gave to my female self. 12:48 p.m., April 15, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Anger activated my inner hair-metal god; my hair cascaded and I began stalking the crowds, singing and shredding. 12:46 p.m., April 15, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: We'd just filled our food stores, too—and now the contents were being consumed, then puked up all over the floor. 12:42 p.m., April 15, 2011

Last night's dream: I was a gawky, Dudley Moore–looking teenager, and my parents' new house in Japan had just been overrun by punk teens. 12:40 p.m., April 15, 2011

I saw a black SUV at Schnucks completely decked out in Hello Kitty decals, including lipstick-colored taillight covers. #peopleofSchnucks 1:16 a.m., April 15, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I dashed for my car, locked myself in, and drove down a cobbled hill. They scattered. Then I saw the colonists... 12:56 p.m., April 14, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I'd been looking for an excuse to skip math class, but going back in time wasn't necessarily the best way to go. 12:52 p.m., April 14, 2011

Last night's dream: I saw a skull on the ground. I picked it up—and when I looked up, a couple of Indian fur traders were walking by. 12:49 p.m., April 14, 2011

"Never turn your back on an axe." An axiom inspired by http://lil.b27.org/oeamm. 7:18 p.m., April 13, 2011

Apparently the youth in U. City are barking at each other? My mom called to mention a "nice house in Creve Coeur." http://lil.b27.org/wqble 2:32 p.m., April 13, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I heaved the box onto a cart and left it—only to see it roll into the creek, alongside houses and other detritus. 2:04 p.m., April 13, 2011

Last night's dream: I spilled ammonia into a box holding a six-pack of sodas, and the cans began to melt. I dragged the box across the lawn. 2:00 p.m., April 13, 2011

Wait—you're standing in the middle of the right lane wearing a white cowboy hat and you're staring at ME? 1:49 p.m., April 13, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Everyone else—including a few coworkers—immediately got in their cars and joined the miles-long freeway pileup. 3:57 p.m., April 10, 2011

Last night's dream: When aliens released fireworks-sparkly nukes into the sky, coworkers and I began digging ourselves into a pile of mulch. 3:42 p.m., April 10, 2011

A dog-powered scooter? Psh. Let me know when you've invented a dog-powered lawn mower. http://lil.b27.org/lmynw http://lil.b27.org/jsitg 4:41 p.m., April 08, 2011

Pro tip: Habitually wear skinny jeans and a black leather jacket to work and in my dreams, you'll be cast as a hall monitor/motorcycle cop. 12:37 p.m., April 08, 2011

Is that the plural? http://lil.b27.org/psqps 2:08 a.m., April 08, 2011

"Copier is blue—I repeat, is blue." 12:29 a.m., April 05, 2011

RT @swadeshine: @limeonaire I want your dream pills ;) 12:01 a.m., April 05, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: And then my fiancé and I dodged trains...got stuck on a rickety tower of boxes and had to jump down on my bike... 12:53 p.m., April 04, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Y'know that move where you jump your bike sideways onto a bench? I almost landed it—and almost landed in ramen. 12:50 p.m., April 04, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: @netaustin had gotten an undercut; beneath, a set of tattoos commemorated notable launches—including his wedding. 12:44 p.m., April 04, 2011

Last night's dream: The truth about MSA: They said they sent us to space, but we were really on a campus, riding BMX bikes on grass roofs. 12:39 p.m., April 04, 2011

Seen on the way home: A girl standing on yellow tape trussed between two trees, holding her spotter's hand, learning to walk the tightrope. 11:15 p.m., April 01, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I met up with Chad Decker, then went to see my kid. Babies don't really get it when you draw a map of the world. 12:48 p.m., April 01, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I was in a boutique's back room when someone asked me something; I answered in backward dry-erase on the window. 12:44 p.m., April 01, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: After the V's blissed the world, those of us who'd been underground came up and took over a shopping complex. 12:39 p.m., April 01, 2011

Last night's dream: I was learning from a boy who was such a good hacker, he'd hacked his way out of being locked in his parents' basement. 12:37 p.m., April 01, 2011

Pro tip: Using a fork to clean your car is a bad idea. (Per @k1mothy in last night's dream.) 12:44 p.m., March 31, 2011

No, TextEdit, I really did mean "swing jazz satandards"—that was the typo I was trying to preserve for posterity. (Ahh, Satan!) 8:35 p.m., March 29, 2011

Last night's dream: @jcooperman and I were hostages in a high-rise, à la Die Hard; this time, building controls were behind a water lock. 12:43 p.m., March 28, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: We had a violet-LED Halo Rubik's Cube. But a girl longed for sun—and opened the blast doors. That was it for her. 1:44 p.m., March 26, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I found people I didn't know at all, and we had parties in our lead bunker—the air outside was too radioactive. 1:36 p.m., March 26, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I found shelter with old college friends. Pro tip: Never try to introduce people whose names you've forgotten. 1:34 p.m., March 26, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I dodged an engine. After the next train passed, I stepped in green fluid from 100-pound bags marked "Poison." 1:28 p.m., March 26, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Cousins and farmers' sons were posted all around, but I eluded them. I started walking down the railroad tracks. 1:20 p.m., March 26, 2011

Last night's dream: Something I edited incorrectly got my boss arrested; I was under house arrest with my family. But of course I snuck out. 1:18 p.m., March 26, 2011

@sambosambo Everything but the sleepwalking—I don't think I've ever done that. Can you tell my relative stress level from my dreams? 2:30 a.m., March 26, 2011

So I wasn't the only one who saw that initial Color email and thought "pocket panopticon": http://lil.b27.org/btlsh http://lil.b27.org/buwuc 2:18 a.m., March 26, 2011

Lesson Learned in My Dreams: Don't use an attack that's a proxy of a proxy. It's better to bash things than shoot 'em—at least in Minecraft. 12:53 p.m., March 25, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: After I calmed the water, I struck out on the road—only to be overtaken by creepers in the encroaching darkness. 12:47 p.m., March 25, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: In the bathroom, a huge tub of water was swirling with water dripping down from the tub in the bathroom above. 12:44 p.m., March 25, 2011

Last night's dream: I was explaining how a pony I'd found resembled a former roommate when I heard water dripping. I went to investigate. 12:42 p.m., March 25, 2011

A few eras we've entered, per Google: http://lil.b27.org/axzze. 3:22 p.m., March 24, 2011

Yay! A pocket panopticon! Ugh. http://lil.b27.org/bqrrq 3:21 p.m., March 24, 2011

Woman: "Yay end of the week—I don't work tomorrow." Me: "Nice." Woman: "Well, I'm getting laid off, so I don't work Mondays or Fridays." : / 1:40 p.m., March 24, 2011

Phrase that came to mind, unbidden, as I was falling asleep last night: "That's where the old Italian ladies go to masturbate." No joke. 3:37 a.m., March 24, 2011

There are no Google results for "I don't care about David Lynch." 2:51 p.m., March 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I ended up on the boat of a muse. He'd seen many things since antiquity, and soon got me calmed down and writing. 12:55 p.m., March 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The team surrounded me. I couldn't move. I'd like to think they were just trying to scare me. Luckily, I escaped. 12:53 p.m., March 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: We stopped at a corner store to use the restroom, and I accidentally wandered into a baseball team's locker room. 12:49 p.m., March 23, 2011

Last night's dream: People thought living at Disney World would be fun. Those people don't have to drive through gates to leave their house. 12:47 p.m., March 23, 2011

Even hawks are enjoying the nice weather; on the walk back to the office, we saw one riding the currents around our building and two others. 10:57 p.m., March 22, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The ice floe along the left side of the highway became a veritable refugee camp of those who'd spun out. 1:00 p.m., March 22, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: On the highway, fallen packages rolled themselves along and guys in purple or green Camaros drove the wrong way. 12:54 p.m., March 22, 2011

Last night's dream: Something bad was coming my way. I grabbed the CIA guy's baby boy and as many waffle fries as I could and got moving. 12:50 p.m., March 22, 2011

One of the first email subject lines to come through after the #networksolutions outage: "News: Is Trust Lacking in Sales?" Yes! Yes it is! 7:22 p.m., March 21, 2011

@k1mothy I slept terribly too. Couldn't stop visualizing an endless line of XMPP-transported Facebook contacts to remove from Gchat. 7:21 p.m., March 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I left. I ran into the gal who ran the auction @k1mothy and I'd gone to. The item I liked was still available... 1:02 p.m., March 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Sharma had never eaten whipped cream or dark chocolate; more to the point, she'd written a tell-all about Harmon. 12:56 p.m., March 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Before long, of course, there was trouble. Devon Odessa introduced her new girlfriend, Rekha Sharma, at lunch. 12:52 p.m., March 21, 2011

Last night's dream: I joined my high-school football team and grew close to the quarterback, Mark Harmon (http://lil.b27.org/iskkj). 12:47 p.m., March 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: But the actor playing Robin Hood didn't like me very much, and the colors were off on the mural I painted for it. 4:00 p.m., March 20, 2011

Last night's dream: I was starring in a film (I think it was a biopic) about a mermaid who gave up her fins for legs and married Robin Hood. 3:58 p.m., March 20, 2011

Just as @k1mothy typed "email can last forever," I got this message from my grandmother: "Fw: FW: DOGS ARE GREAT!!!!!!" Yeah, not that one. 12:47 a.m., March 20, 2011

Found scrawled on a scrap of paper on my desk: "Channel 30 news powered by NewsChannel 5?" Yep, bizarre but real: http://lil.b27.org/zwabs 10:08 p.m., March 19, 2011

On the way home, I saw a tsunami in the clouds, with four waves in a row like these: http://lil.b27.org/sanag 12:51 a.m., March 19, 2011

Last night's dream: Zombie girls attacked, all the goldfish died, and apparently I put the dishes and knives in the wrong place at work. 1:00 p.m., March 18, 2011

Last night's dream: Fish again. This was a big one, lying at the edge of a parking lot; amazingly, once I got it in the water, it was OK. 11:02 p.m., March 16, 2011

There are 653,000 Google results for "morning sunrise"—you know, as opposed to all of those evening sunrises (~13,000 results). 9:05 p.m., March 14, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I discovered an ability to shred, but only left-handed. All those years spent chopping away at rhythm guitar—! 12:49 p.m., March 14, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Dream granted us a stay: He wouldn't demolish the realm. I could visit if summoned—but I must never return alone. 12:44 p.m., March 14, 2011

Last night's dream: I lay in a grassy stadium, like a velvet flower unfurling, alongside a wispy-eared, springy-tendril-footed alien cat. 12:38 p.m., March 14, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Sure, his marriage was failing, but the Def Leppard song in the background said it best: http://lil.b27.org/zeweo 2:04 p.m., March 13, 2011

Last night's dream: It's flattering to think that even after how poorly I treated an ex, he'd come running back. Flattering—or psychopathic. 1:58 p.m., March 13, 2011

Yeah, that's what I wanna do in my dreams: Complete "mandatory educational opportunities" with work colleagues and people who dislike me. 2:09 p.m., March 12, 2011

@sambosambo Yeah, I don't know why the yakuza keep appearing in my dreams. But they're all part of the same overall "branch" of it, I think. 1:58 p.m., March 10, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: By the time I made it over to the amphitheater gift shop across the lot, two dear friends had conceived a kitten. 1:55 p.m., March 10, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The yakuza had guns; I had two expanding metal drum-major batons. I went inside to find help—and got only stares. 1:52 p.m., March 10, 2011

Last night's dream: We were in Kansas City, visiting an indie record store/restaurant, when I got my new shoes muddy—and angered the yakuza. 1:47 p.m., March 10, 2011

I keep trying to "whois" local businesses, when I really mean to query the state business directory. Can't it all be in the same database? 5:27 p.m., March 09, 2011

Last night's dream: Boss: "I thought this was done." Dad: "You don't know how to shoot." Kindergarten teacher: "Have you had time for art?" 1:41 p.m., March 09, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I spent way too much time trying to flush a stack of terry-cloth towels down the drain, an impossible task. 1:53 p.m., March 07, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: —and I awoke momentarily. My fiancé's arm was in my face. I fell back asleep—and the bird flew up into the oaks. 1:51 p.m., March 07, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Before we could follow it, we noticed two skeletal neighbors, digging a backyard plot. A large bird flew at us— 1:49 p.m., March 07, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I saw the yellow lines embroidered in the grass, leading to symbols: fire, a turret, etc. It was a map. 1:35 p.m., March 07, 2011

Last night's dream: Our group was trailblazing through a mostly abandoned town when I found Boy Scout insignia in the grass behind a shack. 1:31 p.m., March 07, 2011

I got cut off by a guy in a late-'70s lowrider with tinted windows and silver balls on the back. Coulda been worse: http://lil.b27.org/bmqbx 7:34 p.m., March 05, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: My investigative partner, a giant mutant turtle, needed help, and I wasn't sure where to turn. A vet? The zoo? 5:25 p.m., March 05, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Aides to politicians, New York society types, were getting death-ray implants with a diamond-in-the-tooth safety. 5:23 p.m., March 05, 2011

Last night's dream: Steve Friedman's cameraman—one of those longhaired, heroin-chic types—opened a water balloon over his head to wake him. 5:18 p.m., March 05, 2011

"KML is gonna rock you!" 8:05 p.m., March 04, 2011

Last night's dream: I met a tiny boy on the street. He said he didn't need help, but when a guy began bothering him, he let me pick him up. 1:49 p.m., March 03, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke with a mashup of Bon Jovi's "Runaway" and Rush's "The Temples of Syrinx" in my head. 1:40 p.m., March 02, 2011

Last night's dream: I went to a giant LAN party and did no work, peed on myself, got hacked, and got my glasses stolen and sold back to me. 1:35 p.m., March 02, 2011

I read that an #STL guy got shot in the face. Then I go to my inbox—and there's a new email about free knife-sharpening at Schnucks. Great. 5:36 p.m., March 01, 2011

What a phrase: "The site is too well-situated to sit there." 4:55 p.m., March 01, 2011

Last week I was sitting in a waiting room when the receptionist won a raffle. Today I was sitting at work and our receptionist won a raffle. 4:12 p.m., March 01, 2011

I went to lunch with an out-of-work friend yesterday. He got a fortune telling him to be more frugal. I found a nickel on the ground. 3:18 p.m., February 27, 2011

I got an ACES email with a listing for an "Editor (Contract), Content Quality Assurance, [company elided], Cincinnat" Clearly they need one! 3:24 p.m., February 26, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: A bee left its stinger in my hair. I awoke with "I Ain't Got Nobody" in my head. http://lil.b27.org/cnmru 3:15 p.m., February 26, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: We found her in a pit between buildings and sat down to eat—and got lectured about pushing crumbs into a grate. 3:12 p.m., February 26, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: A friend and I lost the little girl we were watching. The future-trolley driver directed us between buildings. 3:09 p.m., February 26, 2011

Last night's dream: I battled a former high-school nemesis in a room filled with everything I'd ever owned, the cruft of my existence. 3:08 p.m., February 26, 2011

Last night's dream: Of the twisting paths I walked, what I remember was the Valentine's Day card with a pink rose from @daranciang et al. 1:29 p.m., February 25, 2011

Out of the corner of my eye, Parks and Recreation muted kind of looks like a video-heavy PowerPoint with lots of animation effects. 2:34 a.m., February 25, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: As it turned out, that ship was somehow magnetized to me—it would seek port wherever I happened to be. 1:54 p.m., February 24, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I found a ship whose purpose was to take big pucks of water out to sea, expose them to the sun, and come back. 1:52 p.m., February 24, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Reality tilted, and I glimpsed what it'd be like were my boss my dad. Mostly he was frustrated with my brother. 1:51 p.m., February 24, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: We all took buses to the edge of a mechanized caldera to watch fireworks. I played horsie with a coworker's kids. 1:47 p.m., February 24, 2011

Last night's dream: In an alternate reality, when my mom moved out, my brother moved out, too, and I was the one stuck at my dad's house. 1:44 p.m., February 24, 2011

@gatewaygroupie Oh, that is excellent. See also, from yesterday: http://lil.b27.org/wcevp 5:06 p.m., February 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I chose not to return to the interview. Instead, I swung on a metal bracket, almost kicking two little boys. 2:10 p.m., February 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: In the classroom I found toilet paper—and copies of invitations I'd designed, brought in as examples. But by who? 2:07 p.m., February 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Last year's Great Quake had greatly shifted the geography around the green, I reflected. I went into a classroom. 2:06 p.m., February 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I went to get paper towels, but found only tree-mounted dispensers (like birdhouses), shifted too high to reach. 2:05 p.m., February 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I urged the writer to dig up a half-buried ear of corn and open it, and she did. Her hands became caked with mud. 2:00 p.m., February 23, 2011

Last night's dream: Amid picnicking groups on the green, I was to be interviewed by a writer and a photographer. It was jacket weather. 1:56 p.m., February 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I said I'd considered volunteering at a shelter to learn the ways of cats. Soon I started seeing cats everywhere. 3:11 p.m., February 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: When I was done being 6, @k1mothy and I walked. She kept dropping things, but wouldn't let me buy her a binder. 3:07 p.m., February 21, 2011

@APStylebook Then why does the U.S. government pretty consistently say otherwise? http://lil.b27.org/fessr http://lil.b27.org/atpdo 3:01 p.m., February 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The fun part of being 6 years old again: the free-form, endless game you can play with a rubber ball and a field. 2:58 p.m., February 21, 2011

Last night's dream: Annoying is being 6 years old again and having to take a buddy to the bathroom—where the only toilet then overflows. 2:56 p.m., February 21, 2011

Webster's definition of "whatchamacallit": "thingamajig." Because that's useful. 10:31 p.m., February 20, 2011

@desjardins Your post was actually the first I heard about this nonsense. Enjoy! http://lil.b27.org/nlhci 2:15 a.m., February 19, 2011

Given bad directions, I successfully ID'd Vincent Price's grandfather's spooky former candy factory in Street View. http://lil.b27.org/amejp 7:28 p.m., February 17, 2011

My thought driving in: "I'm wearing a black T-shirt. I didn't need to dress up, right? Nah." Of course they decided to film us for TV today. 6:20 p.m., February 17, 2011

Email greeting of the week: "hello i am a model are you looking for a male model" Uh, no. Especially not one who's based in Albuquerque. 2:59 a.m., February 17, 2011

@johnroderick Monday we heard two songs on KDHX we swore were early-'90s, maybe Sonic Youth. They were actually by the bands Wussy and Yuck. 2:50 a.m., February 17, 2011

OK, Microsoft Word—if you're going to underline the word "sonofabitch" in red, you've gotta give me more to go on than a blank context menu. 10:54 p.m., February 16, 2011

Day Two: The beer bottle on the curb by work (a Bud Select) is still there. 2:34 p.m., February 16, 2011

Destruction of the Endless (http://lil.b27.org/dyjhb) walked this morning's dream. He was the nicest one there. 1:52 p.m., February 16, 2011

Last night's dream: I let myself be locked into a store after-hours with the employees. When the lights dimmed, it was time to search. 1:35 p.m., February 15, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: On the way out, I saw a former college classmate assemble a chair incorrectly, then cover it with packing tape. 2:07 p.m., February 15, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: No matter: Someone had preceded us and set a hex on the thing; as I worked, one of my coat buttons caught fire. 2:00 p.m., February 15, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Once we found the old server, my partners kept suggesting Linux/Unix commands. "It's a Windows box!" I yelled. 1:56 p.m., February 15, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Hindering my efforts: open bathrooms (no stalls) and gigantic metal hulks that'd come out on tracks in the floor. 1:50 p.m., February 15, 2011

I thought the phrase "win the future" would be a one-time thing, like the initial Tea Party rallies in 2009. I thought wrong on both counts. 8:42 p.m., February 13, 2011

No, TextEdit, when I wrote "lightin'," I didn't mean "lighten." I'm tryin' to talk about lightin' fires up in here! 4:03 p.m., February 13, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The store was also an FBI base. I had an FBI ID, and when I turned in a colleague's lost ID, I was questioned. 4:02 p.m., February 13, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The doors to the store's bathroom stalls were made of paper towels—which of course kept getting knocked down. 3:59 p.m., February 13, 2011

Last night's dream: Abigail Breslin was my fiancé's cousin, and I was tasked with buying her a lime-green brocade skirt for the holidays. 3:57 p.m., February 13, 2011

Lesson From My Dreams: Don't let your dream self get out of hand—you might need to wake up the person you're lecturing to drive you to work. 3:23 p.m., February 11, 2011

Wow, bad word combination: "genial tattoo artist." I definitely thought that said something else. 8:31 p.m., February 10, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: In the near future, people were using DIY "box tires," rubber shells people could fill with old boxes and paper. 1:42 p.m., February 10, 2011

Last night's dream: I think I went up to bat with a ketchup bottle. I got a base hit. Back home, the kitten across the street kept mewing. 1:40 p.m., February 10, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke to echoes of Love (http://lil.b27.org/gqtud) and Dinosaur Jr. (http://lil.b27.org/zfgej). 2:09 p.m., February 09, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: After dinner and recess, I forgot my sandals. I limped with @ryansechrest through the still-sunny Vegas evening. 2:04 p.m., February 09, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: But by that point, I'd had a lot of wine and was considering an LSD cough drop—I just wanted a lil' oblivion. 2:00 p.m., February 09, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I didn't even care that the story misspelled "van Gogh," or that the issue had blank spaces for a lot of ads. 1:57 p.m., February 09, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: They liked whatever I said re: @johncusack enough to give me a whole graf. I showed it to @mhalvey and got a nod. 1:54 p.m., February 09, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: At dinner, I pulled out @EW to avoid talking—and realized I was quoted in the much-anticipated @johncusack piece. 1:45 p.m., February 09, 2011

Last night's dream: I was running late for class, so I sat on a ledge in the back—meaning I had a great view when President Obama arrived. 1:37 p.m., February 09, 2011

But seriously, who talks like this? Historical answer, according to the Google Ngram Viewer: No one. http://lil.b27.org/yrglg 4:40 p.m., February 08, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I wanted to walk among the guests and apologize for our lack of foresight. Instead, I thanked them for coming. 1:53 p.m., February 08, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: But as we kneeled before the officiant, a row of candles on either side and lights on the lawn blazed to life. 1:49 p.m., February 08, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: As guests arrived, they milled around the West Egyptian Flats' lawn. We had no chairs, no lights, no music... 1:46 p.m., February 08, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: We saw a carjacking and a middle-of-the-street mugging before pulling up at Odellwood's West Egyptian Flats. 1:44 p.m., February 08, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: As we passed the signs for West Hollywood and Odellwood, the highway dwindled and grew dim between buildings. 1:42 p.m., February 08, 2011

Last night's dream: I was homeless for a while, staying at a children's shelter; I clearly didn't belong. All I wanted was a place to sleep. 1:39 p.m., February 08, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Not only that, when we went to lie down, dozens of tiny robotic grasshoppers of varying sizes sprung out at us. 1:42 p.m., February 04, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: My fiancé and I looked at an apartment—which turned out to get black-market shoe deliveries for a pyramid scheme. 1:41 p.m., February 04, 2011

Last night's dream: A new coworker didn't seem excited about much—until we had an after-hours campfire meeting under a closed store's racks. 1:38 p.m., February 04, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The only real downsides: 1. The peepers in adjoining treehouses. 2. Having to go to swimming class at 8 a.m. 1:32 a.m., February 01, 2011

Last night's dream: I lived in a treehouse of ladders/platforms and envied my roommate, whose admissions officer often intervened for her. 1:30 a.m., February 01, 2011

If it really was a "personal favor" you were wanting, as your email subject line suggested, why did you send the message to 347 people? 10:31 p.m., January 28, 2011

Night before last's dream: We visited Austin, Texas—and ended up staying in a house of ghosts, with layers of old storage beneath the floor. 1:33 p.m., January 28, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The device was developed, some say, by Michelangelo. Soon the patrons clamped a control device on the boy's neck. 1:31 p.m., January 28, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The boy could control the lights in his mom's diner, plant suspicions in minds. The patrons were held hostage. 1:28 p.m., January 28, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: A teen's father, Dr. John Dee, implanted him with a power-granting box—one that, if tampered with, would explode. 1:24 p.m., January 28, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: We both got our wish. We later found it, dead and distended, by the side of the highway. I felt bad—but relieved. 1:22 p.m., January 28, 2011

Last night's dream: A red wolf followed me home, all the way down I-170. I wanted it dead; a wolf-tracking coworker just wanted to see it. 1:20 p.m., January 28, 2011

Misread: "Female wine impersonator." That's female wine importer, to you. 7:25 p.m., January 26, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Finally, I went home—only to learn that my grandma was coming. Ugh! I printed up a framed "No Visitors" policy... 2:11 p.m., January 26, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: A cousin I'd never met was given a remote-start Datsun—which he went on to crash into his mom's laid-out dinner. 2:09 p.m., January 26, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I was ready for a drink—so I met up with my fiancé. But the bartender gave me a light bulb, not a bulb of drink. 2:05 p.m., January 26, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: One of the students' kids only had one book; he'd finished it. I pulled one from a nearby stack—and got rebuked. 2:04 p.m., January 26, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I ranted to @yeahlikethat (and her phone) re: "these kids." Then I got stuck in a student's rig—with the student. 1:59 p.m., January 26, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: All the would-be stylists, clad only in hot pants/tunics, had endless legs. I realized I had no pants on, either. 1:52 p.m., January 26, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: After I quit, everyone started up Halo. I left. I stumbled on a new area of campus, past fashion: beauty school. 1:50 p.m., January 26, 2011

Last night's dream: At a conference with friends, including @daranciang, I noticed a flat-screen/Xbox. I started a racing game; no interest. 1:47 p.m., January 26, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: After clothing myself in a university shirt and basketball shorts, I boarded the ship, bound for cold waters. 2:12 p.m., January 24, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I went up north to meet @Choire and the crew of a research ship. My college dumpster-diving skills came in handy. 2:10 p.m., January 24, 2011

Last night's dream: Sleepless on the porch on a spring eve, I went in to try on my wedding dress—and found it had sleeves and no shoulders. 2:06 p.m., January 24, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: We fled down corridors, across rooftops, and through a restaurant kitchen, trying to evade the remaining yakuza. 5:29 p.m., January 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: It was two yakuza. As we snuck out the back way, down a corridor, they burst in. I shot 'em, and they went down. 5:21 p.m., January 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Soon I heard voices in the hall—just a couple of old college acquaintances. But then other footsteps creaked. 4:50 p.m., January 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: My old baby quilt and a book of mine turned out to be there. I also found a cool collapsible whistle in a bottle. 4:24 p.m., January 23, 2011

Last night's dream: I went to explore the abandoned quarter south of the college, looking for a former roommate's old meeting space. 4:21 p.m., January 23, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: But I was so sleepy, I couldn't keep my eyes open. A dog and a soft, aqua dragon-creature came to befriend me... 4:18 p.m., January 22, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I found myself lying on the carpet in someone's grandmother's bedroom, trying to proofread one last thing. 4:15 p.m., January 22, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: As soon as we left the zoo, a series of truck drivers tried to run us down in alleys. We escaped into a hash den. 4:13 p.m., January 22, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: When I intervened, the animal pinned me—and a crackhead drove an aqua-and-white '50s Chevy Bel Air into me, too. 4:02 p.m., January 22, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: An alligator let me stroke its back. It wasn't so nice to my brother; he'd known going in that this zoo was evil. 3:48 p.m., January 22, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I held a giant puffin until it collapsed in on itself and regrew in what the zoo gal said was a really rare form. 3:42 p.m., January 22, 2011

Last night's dream: At a street festival, I met a guy named Roy who lived in a box at Parade Magazine, then carried my fiancé on my back. 3:40 p.m., January 22, 2011

Dear @APStylebook: In the "possessives" subsection "singular common nouns ending in S," all of the noun examples end in two S's. Deliberate? 8:14 p.m., January 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The downside: While there, I started to develop trimethylaminuria, a.k.a. fish-odor syndrome. 1:45 p.m., January 21, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The gyros were huge ("I've had them last for two or three days," said the coworker), as were their soccer skills. 1:43 p.m., January 21, 2011

Last night's dream: I went with @jcooperman and a coworker to a country where gyros were sold in the airport and everyone played soccer. 1:39 p.m., January 21, 2011

I just managed to cut myself on cheese. 1:55 a.m., January 21, 2011

The fortune I got on my birthday listed the age I just turned as one of my lucky numbers. 3:22 p.m., January 20, 2011

Even better, said email re: the "stress and job satisfaction" survey failed to include a link to the actual survey. #morestress #isthisajoke 6:04 p.m., January 19, 2011

I was just thinking about how much I have to do when I was emailed re: a survey on "stress and job satisfaction in the publishing industry." 5:58 p.m., January 19, 2011

PR spam subject line of the day: "'Wonder Pot' Offers a World of Planting Possibilities for Gardeners." I'll bet it does... 3:15 p.m., January 19, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: She had to live in a petri dish during treatment—they temporarily removed part of her face—but it was working. 2:54 p.m., January 18, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Doctors used techniques developed while treating a woman's husband's cancer to subsequently treat her. 2:52 p.m., January 18, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Two of my friends swapped the front and back halves of their dresses, and tricked the other re: our dinner plans. 2:51 p.m., January 18, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: During the performance, she and her staff were tied up and gagged behind a thin black scrim, just backstage. 2:45 p.m., January 18, 2011

Last night's dream: I learned to levitate a burrito with my mind. Meanwhile a woman was being held hostage at the Washington National Opera. 2:43 p.m., January 18, 2011

Another thing this movie has going for it: Multiple long, drawn-out scenes with a bunch of old men arguing about the best old-time crooners. 4:04 a.m., January 17, 2011

How I know this'll be a great movie: He puts the towel on the rack. She opens the door, towel's on the floor. Cut back: It's on the rack. 2:09 a.m., January 17, 2011

@heckadecimal I misread that as "Let's talk about meds." 2:59 a.m., January 15, 2011

The Finland I live in has the population of Paraguay. http://lil.b27.org/rsxrw 12:19 a.m., January 15, 2011

The person who lives above me has a phone so loud, I can almost hear what the person on the other end of the conversation is saying. 12:10 a.m., January 15, 2011

Seen looming over Grand Boulevard last night: SLU's Griesedieck Hall, its rooms lighted in the shape of a cross. Winter move-in is tomorrow. 9:04 p.m., January 13, 2011

Yesterday I ran into my fiancé at Macy's. Today I mentioned something I learned proofreading—and minutes later that editor emailed me. #fate 8:23 p.m., January 13, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: As he was telling me this—of course—a coworker outside started making faces at me through the window. 1:38 p.m., January 13, 2011

A coworker in last night's dream: "Stop rushing out the door. Stop acting so entitled and eating all the free food. Just do your work!" 1:35 p.m., January 13, 2011

Last night's dream: The map showed nearly the entire central corridor covered with firebomb and dynamite hazard symbols. Great... #STL 5:55 p.m., January 12, 2011

No, the security question is not displayed. But thanks anyway, Charter. http://lil.b27.org/tysys 4:02 p.m., January 11, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The nearby boutique had an "endless" (actually three-tiered) gold barber pole filled with candy and chocolates. 1:48 p.m., January 10, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: Once the gunman was subdued, I hung out with a little girl, who loved the new liquid-filled computing interfaces. 1:45 p.m., January 10, 2011

Last night's dream: I just wrested death from your hands. What makes you think I'd be so inattentive as to let you snatch it back? 1:41 p.m., January 10, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I got a band together, booked the campus bar. At 5 p.m.—we were on at 5:30—I realized I'd forgotten my guitar. 5:50 p.m., January 09, 2011

Last night's dream: My former boss stole one of my most cherished childhood photos and made it into an Urban Outfitters–style knickknack. 5:46 p.m., January 09, 2011

Last night's dream: I was to collect as many round-cut jewels as possible throughout the landscape, in ponds and grottos and grassy fields. 3:49 p.m., January 08, 2011

ABC's Off the Map: "Look, new quirky people in the jungle for you to love! Now twice as hot!" 1:13 a.m., January 08, 2011

Mike Duffy's Pub and Gill—where you drink like a fish? http://lil.b27.org/advjn 1:04 a.m., January 08, 2011

Everyone in my timeline: "Earthquake!" Bart, minutes later on The Simpsons: "Speaking of San Francisco people mover..." 12:40 a.m., January 08, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: To make things worse, when I was mad, I'd reprogrammed my phone, and now all the menus were off—and in Japanese. 3:52 p.m., January 04, 2011

Last night's dream: My fiancé and I were at opposite ends of a fairground—and he wasn't all that interested in helping me find him. 3:51 p.m., January 04, 2011

I walked into a coworker's office, heard "Where Is My Mind?" That's the bet-your-life-on-it question of the day. http://lil.b27.org/zjchc 3:47 p.m., January 04, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: At Schnucks, the cashier switched our liquor. In apology, he gave us some used white sneakers he shined himself. 1:53 p.m., January 03, 2011

Last night's dream: We got lost in dark Frontenac. When we set foot on city hall's porch, the mayor came out and asked if we were homeless. 1:48 p.m., January 03, 2011

@shelbyfero What is it with people and that word? Did it start with "Dead Like Me"? http://lil.b27.org/joidw http://lil.b27.org/zuppd 8:31 p.m., January 01, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: The good news is, we'd placed an auspicious long bet on the NFL when we were in Las Vegas. (Too bad we didn't!) 8:27 p.m., January 01, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: A dark-haired little boy fell a few feet on our wedding day and broke his nose. They never forgave us for that... 8:02 p.m., January 01, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: I hiked more icy highways north, this time with my family. Does this mean I can skip a family event in real life? 7:56 p.m., January 01, 2011

Last night's dream, cont.: A little brown passenger train ran down the old street, where the sidewalk used to be. But I missed it. 7:52 p.m., January 01, 2011

Last night's dream: A tree in the old front yard was weighed down with melon-size orange-banana hybrids. Not a lotta meat on 'em, but mmm. 7:51 p.m., January 01, 2011

Note to self in last night's dream: "Rare bird: the dotted ellipsis. They're elusive!" 7:47 p.m., January 01, 2011

Then there's this echo chamber of misinformation: http://lil.b27.org/zekdl #STL 6:55 p.m., December 31, 2010

Highlights of @ksdknews' tornado coverage: 1. Swathing the entire area in bright red. 2. Lamenting the demise of a giant sand castle. #STL 6:54 p.m., December 31, 2010

@Maudes_Market @ecoabsence That's a myth—a dangerous one. Most homes, esp. historic ones, aren't so airtight. http://lil.b27.org/jvpjl #STL 6:26 p.m., December 31, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Then things got sinister. A guy, Nodox, trashed my office; he called and said I embarrassed him at the party... 2:06 p.m., December 30, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: It felt like we were enveloped by a deep love. Word spread, and the second night, we had to institute a password. 2:05 p.m., December 30, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I don't know what entranced us—the console, the group singing, the shack itself, or even joie de vivre—but man. 1:20 p.m., December 30, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I was there the first night, when we chose songs on a modded Krkrzhalan console (yes, "Evacuate the Dancefloor"). 1:18 p.m., December 30, 2010

Last night's dream: OK, so partying at an underground trance shack in the woods might not sound like a good idea. But this was awesome. 1:10 p.m., December 30, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I did win a contest where little army men were launched onto those seated, then counted. The most landed on me. 2:10 p.m., December 29, 2010

Last night's dream: I failed to kill a black widow spider, then got lost in a terraced pool resort above Sam's Club—naked, with no towel. 2:09 p.m., December 29, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Martin Sheen—a.k.a. President Josiah Bartlet—was using an ndash tablet that looked a lot like a Chrome laptop. 2:05 p.m., December 28, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: On a bucket lid, my father began crushing the fish into salmon- and white-colored powders for spells and pigment. 2:03 p.m., December 28, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: In the basement were dried-up fish tanks. "I always see crap like this in my dreams, but now it's real!" I said. 1:58 p.m., December 28, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: My brother was renting a Gothic house next to the woods, with hidden storage space under the floorboards. 1:56 p.m., December 28, 2010

Last night's dream: I went up to Minneapolis to visit. The sunset over the city skyline was beautiful; the car-sized potholes, not so much. 1:53 p.m., December 28, 2010

This is interesting, @GOOD, but why's the chart using "2th" for "2nd"? http://lil.b27.org/cyaaq http://lil.b27.org/uqvon #whyqamattersonline 3:17 p.m., December 26, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I joined a group of protesters occupying the nearby under-construction football stadium, toy swords at the ready. 3:03 p.m., December 26, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: He found a way out to a sunny meadow with deer, butterflies, and tiny turtles, but grew afraid and went back. 2:59 p.m., December 26, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: A guy was lured into an unfinished apartment and trapped there, all the while being filmed for reality TV. 2:55 p.m., December 26, 2010

Last night's dream: It was my first day back in band, and I'd already forgotten my reeds and pissed off most of the trumpet section. 2:53 p.m., December 26, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: But in amid that I did find time to play a doubles match with two members of the Turkish women's volleyball team. 3:21 p.m., December 25, 2010

Last night's dream was mostly spent building and rebuilding everything out of blocks. The Minecraft dreams are becoming a problem. 3:16 p.m., December 25, 2010

Could someone not have transcribed this, @STLtoday? Or made it into a JPG? http://lil.b27.org/jeiom 8:28 p.m., December 23, 2010

Oh, the absurdity: "Woman found dead in home of August Busch IV." Immediately below: "14 people like this." http://lil.b27.org/wsobg 7:04 p.m., December 23, 2010

Last night's dream: Scritchy-scratchies were a common unit of exchange, as were some varieties of hugs and kisses. 6:52 p.m., December 23, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: At my destination, I got in some sort of trouble and was forced to do 10 sets of triangle push-ups. 2:28 p.m., December 22, 2010

Last night's dream: The world had iced over—or at least my part of it had. I hiked an icy I-170, and tried to save a little frozen fish. 2:25 p.m., December 22, 2010

I just got a PR call from a Sacramento number listed in this embarrassment of a public Facebook thread. Sorry, no. http://lil.b27.org/uknqb 10:09 p.m., December 20, 2010

Last night's dream: We put in an order at the SLU McDonald's to be married there by a priest; luckily, they never called our number. 1:46 p.m., December 20, 2010

RT @voltarine: Fav quote from last night: "What good is a transparent head if you're just going to wear a hat?" 9:40 p.m., December 19, 2010

Walking to my car earlier, I saw a rainbow. "That's gotta be a good sign," I said. I got a call a minute later: DADT had just been repealed. 1:00 a.m., December 19, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: "Don't you want to design a playground instead?" He did not. This alternate-reality game had become all too real. 4:39 p.m., December 18, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I was into it, 'til I saw a little boy denied the chance to cook his enokitake. "That's garbage food," they said. 4:27 p.m., December 18, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I embarked on a "mind-expanding fantasy bus tour" with @jcooperman—and a lot of romantics/cyberpunks/futurists. 4:22 p.m., December 18, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I wanted to get lost in my closet—until I found V eggs (http://lil.b27.org/vzrlp) hidden under a shelf. 4:15 p.m., December 18, 2010

Last night's dream: I could rearrange my closet by moving items on-screen. That made it easy to fix when my coworker "opened things up." 4:08 p.m., December 18, 2010

@k1mothy Nah, that's my standard phone greeting at work: "What's up?" or "Hey, what's goin' on?" or "Yo" or a distracted "Hey..." 10:02 p.m., December 17, 2010

Dear restaurant owners: Stop uploading your menus in PDF only! 10:14 p.m., December 15, 2010

Anyone else see the three Humvees and desert-camouflage Jeep in the Whole Foods parking lot? All the Army guys just got in the Jeep... #STL 9:00 p.m., December 15, 2010

Last night's dream: I had to relearn the ways of school, then prove my worth by wrestling someone. I pinned him and gained acceptance. 2:01 p.m., December 15, 2010

@samplereality The Unwritten! I was sad to hear you'd turned in your order late (former bookstore employee here), but that's awesome. ♥! 1:39 a.m., December 15, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke with Sonic Youth's "Mote" in my head. http://lil.b27.org/ryyzy 1:40 p.m., December 14, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Cerulean-and-black checkerboard Vans? Nah. A sparkly purple parasol? No—and don't open it in the store, either! 1:37 p.m., December 14, 2010

Last night's dream: I finally started dress-shopping, looking at iridescent purple sashes and cerulean clip-on earrings to match. 1:31 p.m., December 14, 2010

@metroidbaby Those are awesome. Maybe there will be more Nintendo Power/New Yorker crossover now? http://lil.b27.org/zzsjm 6:00 p.m., December 13, 2010

Misread: "Post Your Opinion—$199 for 30 days!" That would be "opening," not "opinion"—but either way, it's a bad deal. 4:34 p.m., December 13, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Then a coworker threw water on me. I gaped. "What? Don't crack your nipples over it—it's just water," he said. 1:50 p.m., December 13, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: At the farm we were visiting, I saw a fish that'd had a fillet harvested from its side—and was still swimming. 1:46 p.m., December 13, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: As I waited for assistance after my motorbike got damaged in traffic, a hobo flipped me a quarter for luck. 1:41 p.m., December 13, 2010

Last night's dream definitely occurred in Brick World, a.k.a. Minecraft—I "painted" a pink strip partway around someone's house with blocks. 1:37 p.m., December 13, 2010

Lessons Learned in Minecraft, Pt. 1: The daylight hours are precious. 4:23 p.m., December 12, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: He gave me a kiss on the cheek, and entreated me to follow him into the winding halls near the boiler room... 4:22 p.m., December 12, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I'd just finished reading the note, and breathed the scent of the wood, when I looked up—and saw him materialize. 4:20 p.m., December 12, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: The gifts were from a boy, Kevin, who I'd gone out with sophomore year—just before he died. Yet here he was... 4:17 p.m., December 12, 2010

Last night's dream: Senior year in high school got more interesting when a friend passed along a note and a thin, sappy slice of pine trunk. 4:14 p.m., December 12, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I grew so weak, I couldn't even dial in my combination. Then I began to notice duct tape stuck to other things... 6:46 p.m., December 11, 2010

Last night's dream: I had superpowers, but duct tape was my kryptonite. So of course some jerk put a whole roll in my locker at the pool. 6:42 p.m., December 11, 2010

@aeromenthe Too true. See also: http://lil.b27.org/bcgpf 6:07 p.m., December 10, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke with Green Day's "She's a Rebel" in my head, which soon faded to Baltimora's "Tarzan Boy." 1:47 p.m., December 10, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I knew Hudson had skipped class. He and my sister awaited me in the Hub, if I could make it past the commandos... 1:44 p.m., December 10, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I was in class, my notes being recorded by a battered orange panopticon tablet, when the ethnic cleansing began. 1:41 p.m., December 10, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: We'd walk our nabe's linden-lined streets, and then I'd sneak him into my basement room. But change was afoot. 1:38 p.m., December 10, 2010

Last night's dream: I was back in the '80s East Coast high-school world of E.D. Paolo's pizza, with a shaggy blond rocker boyfriend, Hudson. 1:36 p.m., December 10, 2010

PR spam subject line of the week: "CAN YOU USE THIS? Luxury Condoms" I think they meant "Can you use this in a story," but... 11:05 p.m., December 09, 2010

@k1mothy I saw @sambosambo's post first, wondered how common "Keep Off Trees" signs were, and...there you go. 5:07 p.m., December 09, 2010

"I is for in"? "M is for marmelade"? T is for "This book sucks." http://lil.b27.org/fhbdr 4:16 p.m., December 09, 2010

Homer, eating a green alien blob on The Simpsons: "If I can keep down Arby's, I can keep down you!" The next commercial: Arby's. 12:57 a.m., December 09, 2010

The story @financialtimes, @nytimes, @AP, @guardiantech, @HuffingtonPost, et al. all got wrong: http://lil.b27.org/dfoqk #whyqamattersonline 12:39 a.m., December 09, 2010

The word I almost forgot to finish looking up in the dictionary: fact-checking. 9:48 p.m., December 08, 2010

Found an expired registration for "QUALIITY CONTRACTORS" last week. Can't imagine why they let that one lapse... http://lil.b27.org/vfjbw 3:19 a.m., December 08, 2010

Time's almost up for the free fork fund. 3:16 a.m., December 08, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: But the real marvel was the bathroom, where the fixtures—toilets, showers, and tubs—were all made of wood chairs. 1:59 p.m., December 07, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: The "boutique" section had donated clothing, much of which seemed to have a "psychedelic hip-hop rainbow" theme. 1:56 p.m., December 07, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: The cold cases were full of food-service bags of frozen scallops, spaghetti, etc., reheatable in the microwave. 1:52 p.m., December 07, 2010

Last night's dream: Little by little my bank account dwindled, 'til I was left out in the cold. I went to the QuikTrip homeless shelter. 1:48 p.m., December 07, 2010

Sure, almost every beer I tried to buy last night—at three bars—had just tapped out. But I still feel lucky: Cheetah Chrome nodded at me. 1:51 p.m., December 06, 2010

Sorry I accidentally killed most of the fish in your elementary-school tank in my dream. I forgot the whole "chlorine kills fish" thing... 4:51 p.m., December 05, 2010

Last week's dream, cont.: Our adversaries used a coordinated attack pattern of concentric semicircles to hunt us, and we barely got away. 5:20 p.m., December 04, 2010

Last week's dream, cont.: We wore invisibility cloaks, but in the late-afternoon sun our shadows were plain and snipers got off a few shots. 5:18 p.m., December 04, 2010

Last week's dream, cont.: Turns out, his truck had an unlicensed nuclear drive, dripping radioactive sludge. He was being poisoned by it. 5:16 p.m., December 04, 2010

Last week's dream, cont.: Then two of us in an orchestra tailed the new guy—who stunk, despite looking clean—to find out what his deal was. 5:13 p.m., December 04, 2010

Last week's dream: The hipster bar I worked for required everyone to write or collaborate on seven original songs by the end of the year. 5:12 p.m., December 04, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I'd been right: It was a mini incendiary device, possibly thermonuclear. The president was saved by my action. 5:10 p.m., December 04, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: My mind raced. I pulled out my phone: It was 12:36 p.m.! I cast the penny down the stairs...and it exploded! 5:06 p.m., December 04, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Some guy slipped a penny into my pocket. I pulled it out. Hm. It looked normal—but wait! The year was odd: 1237. 5:05 p.m., December 04, 2010

Last night's dream: Terrorists were after the president. I'd been assigned to a security detail, and was patrolling the auditorium's foyer. 5:01 p.m., December 04, 2010

So when those obnoxious people sit outside Starbucks playing acoustic guitar, is that starbusking? 8:48 p.m., December 03, 2010

Dear TextEdit: When I type "hangin'," I usually don't mean "handgun." 8:47 p.m., December 03, 2010

Last night's dream: Knowing there was a Disney resort with tunnels and occasional castles throughout Las Vegas kind of ruined it for me. 1:59 p.m., December 03, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Luckily, back on Earth, someone stroked my back, and I woke into warmth. Farewell, Ghosts of Hanukkah Past... 1:35 p.m., December 02, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: His back was tattooed in fish scales, his hair grown out, and he bore an artisan leather jacket and bound gospel. 1:31 p.m., December 02, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: He was sitting in the dust, watching a passing parade, when I came up. I apologized, and he coolly evaluated me. 1:30 p.m., December 02, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: After introducing him to my fiancé, I realized I'd stood up the Christian by half an hour. I went to find him. 1:30 p.m., December 02, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: He convinced me to climb a tree, but I soon remembered myself. I grasped his hand. "Come meet someone," I said. 1:30 p.m., December 02, 2010

Last night's dream: I was in the backyard, preparing to burn the copper chains of past worldly attachments, when the new-age boy walked up. 1:29 p.m., December 02, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: But the officers were nice, despite our appearance, and even had me read some pidgin English in a Georgia accent. 1:44 p.m., December 01, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: As we went in, I noticed a Kleenex stuck to my shirt, and my elbow got stuck in my sleeve as I tried to fix it. 1:43 p.m., December 01, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: So there we were, he in a T-shirt and boxers, me in about the same, pulling up to a storefront police station. 1:41 p.m., December 01, 2010

Last night's dream: On a road trip, somewhere in the middle of Georgia, we lost the highway. We turned around: Nope, still no highway. 1:34 p.m., December 01, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: "Remember how I used to have a Barbie named Miko?" I said. "Well, that was her!" My mother's look turned dubious. 1:37 p.m., November 30, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: "I know, aren't they great?" I exclaimed. "I traded legs with a girl named Miko!" I flexed my new, tan gams. 1:34 p.m., November 30, 2010

Last night's dream: I hadn't been in the girls' lockup half an hour when my mom showed up to bail me out. "Nice patterned tights," she said. 1:32 p.m., November 30, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Bilal was crushed. Did Viggal truly not recognize him? It was painful to imagine the other possibilities. 3:11 p.m., November 27, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: When Bilal came in to say hello to his old friend, Viggal acted as if he didn't know him and shooed him away. 2:57 p.m., November 27, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Viggal later became a famed physicist, with his own salon, dozens of aides, and an expensive coat and haircut. 2:54 p.m., November 27, 2010

Last night's dream: Bilal and Viggal had always enjoyed theorizing about physics and philosophy together when they were young and poor. 2:50 p.m., November 27, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I found my mother's cat, a tortie who could slip under doors, and mine, an orange tabby, and brought them home. 6:58 p.m., November 25, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I saw a guy walking alone on an ice bridge. He saw a giant shark in the clear water and sacrificed himself to it. 6:53 p.m., November 25, 2010

Last night's dream: I went to law school. It was the usual scenario: Lots of books, escalators and stairs to nowhere, little class time. 6:52 p.m., November 25, 2010

Spam subject line of the day: "News: Why Are You Fat?" Seriously? I mean, I did go to Wendy's for lunch, but there's no need to rub it in! 7:27 p.m., November 23, 2010

@jcooperman RT @karlgude My latest "found" map. This one: Haiti in a coffee stain in a parking garage. http://yfrog.com/emqzap 2:02 p.m., November 23, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: @yeahlikethat was enjoying the chutes, but where I was were mostly ladders to be climbed down, faster and faster. 1:50 p.m., November 23, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I think I fell—next I knew, I was tumbling through a chutes-and-ladders course in a huge open underground space. 1:43 p.m., November 23, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: The dungeon was cylindrical, like a well, with tiny ledges. Occupants had to press against the wall not to fall. 1:40 p.m., November 23, 2010

Last night's dream: The seedy hotel I tried to check into didn't like my form of payment, so I was forced to take a berth in the dungeon. 1:34 p.m., November 23, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Nearby was a U.S. Army tank, its big gun pointed not at us—but at what remained of our country. 2:09 p.m., November 19, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: We spent days sequestered. Then someone opened the wrong door—and we realized we were in a muddy Canadian forest. 2:04 p.m., November 19, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Most of the world's old-growth forests had been slashed to ribbons "like Habitrail shavings" by the tornadoes. 2:04 p.m., November 19, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Our shelter was disproportionately full of the smart and talented—@kistaro and Ryan Ludwick were among us. 2:04 p.m., November 19, 2010

Last night's dream: We were moving into a house when it happened—the air-raid sirens, then the bricks raining down as we huddled together. 2:03 p.m., November 19, 2010

Just got my first spam phone call en español. The recording was fast, so I said, "Repite por favor," and it hung up. Yay global marketplace. 4:25 p.m., November 18, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: After my first and only day teaching 5-year-olds, I went to see @jcooperman perform spoken word with @SLSO. 2:00 p.m., November 18, 2010

Last night's dream: Today, I jumped the fence...and became a kindergarten teacher. I never gave notice, though, so tomorrow I'm going back. 1:55 p.m., November 18, 2010

Pro tip: Playing "No beer or new beer?" with someone who always says "New beer!" can be hazardous to your health. 9:17 p.m., November 14, 2010

Sure, my dreams may be the only place I can be friends with most of my exes. But this Ghost of Christmas Past stuff can end right now. 4:27 p.m., November 13, 2010

Kooks love regime change: "This new guy, maybe he'll finally listen to us!" 2:36 p.m., November 13, 2010

"I see that there is a problem and I raise you..." 2:24 p.m., November 13, 2010

Spam subject line of the week: "News: The Top 5 Vegetables"—how is this news?! Unsubscribe! 2:23 p.m., November 13, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: "Where do you think the point of no return is, where you step and inevitably slip further down?" I asked. 2:50 a.m., November 13, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: As we walked through a mall fountain, carefully avoiding a slippery slope, a new question came to me. 2:50 a.m., November 13, 2010

Last night's dream: We'd long since ceased being lovers—a good thing—but I could still ask him any physics question and get an answer. 2:49 a.m., November 13, 2010

A slim woman, her back to the window, in a long black tunic, long black hair, framed in black, surrounded by red leaves and a wisp of smoke. 2:56 p.m., November 11, 2010

Outside yesterday: Cigarettes and juicy grilled hamburgers. Outside today: The sweet scent of wet leaves. 2:55 p.m., November 11, 2010

Last night's dream: The control panel was buried deep in the backyard, beneath the mock-orange hedge. 2:06 p.m., November 11, 2010

But can @Forbes guess why my blood pressure's rising in St. Louis? http://lil.b27.org/woadz http://lil.b27.org/tmjqz #whyqamattersonline 2:12 a.m., November 10, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke to more horror: "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" had twined itself into my consciousness. 1:51 p.m., November 09, 2010

Last night's dream: I went to a land of perpetual darkness to learn how the inhabitants cope with the lack of light. The answer: Not well. 1:45 p.m., November 09, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Our destination had a big-screen tuned to the game...but the homeowners were out kayaking the cold Charles River. 1:56 p.m., November 08, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I nearly lost track of @mathowie—and my ticket—following baton-waving security guys through dark Boston streets. 1:51 p.m., November 08, 2010

Last night's dream: @mathowie and I went to a late-fall exhibition game at Fenway Park, only to get shunted off to someone's house instead. 1:47 p.m., November 08, 2010

Last night's dream: Yet again, I hadn't done work or gone to class all semester. But I could still follow the teacher just fine on guitar. 1:53 p.m., November 07, 2010

@sambosambo That's OK, my town is already the color and temperature of seasonal affective disorder. I hate this time of year. 1:47 p.m., November 07, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: In the meantime, multilayered Miyazaki monsters were shaking with anger and leading a revolution in the streets. 4:39 p.m., November 06, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I could've been more tactful, sure, but a red-and-teal sunset was fading right before us! 4:27 p.m., November 06, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I upset a Vegas cashier when I pushed ahead of a slow woman to buy a disposable camera—and then was slow myself. 4:24 p.m., November 06, 2010

Last night's dream: I wedged myself between walls to read the tiny note her husband had pinned to the ceiling re: why he doesn't drink. 4:21 p.m., November 06, 2010

When we went inside, we found a partially folded black towel on the landing outside our door. Another bad omen? 2:36 a.m., November 05, 2010

A black cat ran across our path, then stopped and stared at us at the edge of the street, eyes flashing in the headlights, before moving on. 1:48 a.m., November 05, 2010

Spam subject line of the day: "Get your back pain under control"—by unsubscribing from these pain-in-the-ass emails. 7:56 p.m., November 04, 2010

In the Dierbergs parking lot, my foot hit what felt and sounded like a rock. But it wasn't a rock at all—it was a piece of Dubble Bubble. 6:42 p.m., November 04, 2010

I seem to be spending a lot of time in my dreams rewording sentences in imaginary articles—I was so intent on one, I didn't want to get up. 1:08 p.m., November 03, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: "Tommy wasn't a very good spy today..." read the blood. She screamed. 1:06 p.m., November 03, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Tonight, she was greeted by her giggling toddler, his chest finger-painted with something red—was that blood? 1:06 p.m., November 03, 2010

Last night's dream: The wife knew her husband liked to play a spy game with their son—but that in no way prepared her for the reality of it. 12:53 p.m., November 03, 2010

Last night's dream: Amid the endless dusk of late fall, a large meteorite struck and set ablaze a neighborhood in the distance. 12:37 p.m., November 01, 2010

Rose quartz, then citrine—piezoelectric sunrise. That was this morning. 10:57 p.m., October 28, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: —and realized the "rotating black column" was just the fiberglass backdrop of a carnival ride called the Twister. 12:07 p.m., October 28, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I stuffed my toothbrush and hairbrush into my pocket, stuffed my feet into shoes. I looked out the window again— 12:05 p.m., October 28, 2010

Last night's dream: I looked out the window and saw, in a nearby parking lot, a rotating black column stretching to the sky. Panic! 12:03 p.m., October 28, 2010

@sub_english Concerned? Don't be. http://youtu.be/s6zVUvmkyvA 2:17 a.m., October 26, 2010

Nuclear dawn, captured by @keaggy: http://lil.b27.org/dtoef 1:22 a.m., October 26, 2010

Morning's golden smog; a nuclear rising sun. Respect the silence. 12:57 p.m., October 25, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Soon enough, though, they got us on our feet and marched us off to our valediction. 12:23 p.m., October 25, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: @schyler523 showed me a site (white with orange links, mostly centered text) he said was "a lot like MetaFilter." 12:21 p.m., October 25, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I sat down at a lunch table with what turned out to be the hacker crowd; @netaustin was there somewhere. 12:14 p.m., October 25, 2010

Last night's dream: I reported for war with a rolling carry-on suitcase and what looked to be a flute case with a slingshot inside. 12:10 p.m., October 25, 2010

RT @heckadecimal: Do you like dreams? @limeonaire does, and shares them. They're wild. #FF 11:58 p.m., October 24, 2010

All of the money in Clayton, Ladue, Brentwood, Huntleigh, and Frontenac couldn't buy them dictionary entries. http://lil.b27.org/orobc #STL 3:53 p.m., October 24, 2010

Someone once told me we each get one shot at catching a Major League ball. Flub it, and that's it. But what if I catch mine in a dream? 2:38 p.m., October 24, 2010

Tonight's dream, cont.: Naturally, I established a record for the most double-backs—three. 7:54 a.m., October 24, 2010

Tonight's dream, cont.: Hit either fifth base, you score. But spotters in the field—and shrubbery/tall grass in the base path—make it hard. 7:53 a.m., October 24, 2010

Tonight's dream, cont.: Each team had its own color ball. Fifth base was home—and if you got there, you could double back and keep going. 7:46 a.m., October 24, 2010

Tonight's dream: I invented a dodgeball-like game, zigzag ball, in which two teams fielded base runners on opposing five-base zigzags. 7:43 a.m., October 24, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: The cloud's center, still veined with pink, began to dip and swirl. I stood, snapped a shot—and ran. 5:49 p.m., October 23, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I was still a block away when I noticed the dark-gray anvil cloud overhead, lit salmon by the sunset. 5:44 p.m., October 23, 2010

Last night's dream: The sunlight through the blossoming trees was so beautiful, I had my mom pull over while I went back for the shot. 5:39 p.m., October 23, 2010

Spam subject line of the day: "Printer for 'Mom Cave'" Apparently this just became a thing? For mama grizzlies? http://lil.b27.org/uyrqj 4:27 p.m., October 20, 2010

Mistyped: "Duckens' 'A Christmas Carol.'" I guess when I think of that story, I do think of Scrooge McDuck. 4:04 p.m., October 20, 2010

@sambosambo Aw, thanks. The way to get dreams like mine: Worry about work, etc. Wake up (or get woken up) a lot. Write down the results. 3:32 p.m., October 20, 2010

Last night's dream: I lived in treetops and could fly—so naturally, I managed to fly into a backdrop my coworker was painting. 12:44 p.m., October 20, 2010

The Mystery of the Lost Lost Document Document: http://lil.b27.org/leptk 6:37 p.m., October 19, 2010

Last night's dream: My father went back in time and switched places with himself. 4:09 p.m., October 19, 2010

You know you've been listening to too much noise rock when the computer fan's going full blast and for a second, you wonder what song it is. 2:28 a.m., October 19, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Fifth and finally, the guy I thought I'd successfully hidden the gun from knew I had it the whole time. 1:44 a.m., October 19, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Fourth, I was worried the entire time that I was going to sit on the gun wrong and accidentally shoot myself. 1:43 a.m., October 19, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Third, it's tough to draw very fast from your back pocket, especially while wearing a sweatshirt. 1:42 a.m., October 19, 2010

Last night's dream: The handgun I'd acquired wasn't working out so well. First, I was almost out of bullets. Second, the safety was sticky. 1:40 a.m., October 19, 2010

Tried to flip to "arancini" in the dictionary, got "arteriogram" instead. Fitting. 7:47 p.m., October 18, 2010

Last night's dream: Chris Brokaw (http://lil.b27.org/zxfws) was my new boss. #matador21 5:24 p.m., October 17, 2010

@gatewaygroupie @SparkysHomemade was playing Sonic Youth when I went in, so I bought an ice-cream cone. #itwasdelicious 6:13 a.m., October 17, 2010

Last night's dream: I lost a diamond necklace; I was about to miss a flight. I awoke with Spoon's "Don't Make Me a Target" in my head. 12:49 p.m., October 15, 2010

"If you believe that, I've got some beachfront property in Dayton to sell you." "In Daytona Beach?" [slaps forehead] "No. Dayton, Ohio." 9:10 p.m., October 13, 2010

@NiemanLab Re: digital forensics, I used @TinEye yesterday to fact-check Pitchfork: http://lil.b27.org/dkefo http://lil.b27.org/oufmv 7:53 p.m., October 13, 2010

Either my hearing is really good or that intern's is really bad—I can almost hear the other end of his phone conversation in the other room. 4:29 p.m., October 13, 2010

Last night's dream: Had I been less intent on getting to the airport, the homeless fairy girls from the future would've taught me to fly. 12:30 p.m., October 13, 2010

Neither Webster's New World College Dictionary or @MerriamWebster has champ (http://lil.b27.org/qlacv); both list Delmonico steak. Hmm. 7:54 p.m., October 12, 2010

@Reuno Hope you got a screenshot; Pitchfork just updated the page! 7:27 p.m., October 12, 2010

@keaggy Oh, of course! And you can be a beta tester, too, if you want. First, though, I have to find a developer... 5:15 p.m., October 12, 2010

@PitchforkMedia Specifically, you're using French artist @Reuno's altered version of the Goo cover, found here: http://lil.b27.org/slrfo 5:10 p.m., October 12, 2010

Why QA Matters Online: @PitchforkMedia, are you sure that's the cover of Goo? http://lil.b27.org/abtvl http://lil.b27.org/oxwtv 1:18 p.m., October 12, 2010

@BitterOldPunk Y'know, I've still never played it. Probably too much Sonic Youth, actually. I think it's changing the structure of my brain. 1:10 p.m., October 12, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Then @keaggy invented a new CMS called Cabinet—which I suppose I actually did. I sketched it out when I awoke. 12:56 p.m., October 12, 2010

Last night's dream: I was attacked by a pig, which sprang forth from a hole in the ground. 12:55 p.m., October 12, 2010

#Matador21 was about as close as I'll ever get to time travel; now, if only I could just travel back to the weekend itself. 2:45 p.m., October 11, 2010

Last night's dream: The Ayeball loomed on a big red stalk. It took technique to meet its gaze; those who failed would be blinded. 4:29 p.m., October 10, 2010

When I finally opened my luggage Tuesday after #matador21, following a day's delay in LAS/PHX, my toothbrush tasted like GBV. A.k.a. beer. 11:21 p.m., October 08, 2010

Lessons Learned at #Matador21, Pt. 2: Stop listing. Just listen. No one needs or wants to hear your post-set top 10 list or recap. 11:09 p.m., October 08, 2010

Lessons Learned at #Matador21, Pt. 1: "The new drunk drivers" are dudebros. 11:07 p.m., October 08, 2010

The #matador21 GBV pit was like a warm washing machine full of plaid button-downs and band T-shirts. @kentuckychrome @toosunnyouthere 11:06 p.m., October 08, 2010

@anniezaleski I'd wondered if you'd hit #matador21. Then I saw this: http://lil.b27.org/zqgxu Lucky you got out of LAS on time; I got stuck. 8:02 p.m., October 06, 2010

@thefaycat Congratulations on your #matador21 wedding! My fiancé and I really thought about it, but ultimately didn't do it. 6:02 p.m., October 06, 2010

@humanclock I don't think the newlyweds I met at #matador21 actually married at the Palms, no. 6:00 p.m., October 06, 2010

@thefaycat @Matadorat21 FYI, if anyone wants to track down the #matador21 newlyweds, their names were Greg and Melissa. 5:31 p.m., October 06, 2010

@thefaycat Yes! We met a couple who got married! I hope they're in the @Matadorat21 DVD. (There will be a DVD, right?) #matador21 5:03 p.m., October 06, 2010

Just used my credit card for the first time since #matador21, and the register spit out a coupon for 100- to 300-ct. Bayer aspirin. 1:52 p.m., October 06, 2010

"From" begins to lose all meaning once you've clicked through enough Flickr search results. http://lil.b27.org/tkfnd #matador21 11:00 p.m., October 05, 2010

Misread: "I just found an unborn snake in our garden." http://lil.b27.org/xceiw 4:11 p.m., October 04, 2010

Last night's dream: I asked for an egg-cheese-and-battery sandwich, no battery. But they went ahead and fried up that battery, anyway... 3:35 p.m., October 02, 2010

No, TextEdit, when I typed "titties" I didn't mean "tithes." 6:22 p.m., September 30, 2010

Woman in elevator: [to younger coworker, as if imparting revelation] "See, tomorrow, I can officially start wearing my Halloween clothes." 1:13 p.m., September 30, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: As a species, he tells us, we've been wiretapped—why else would the tree people deign to connect to our grid? 12:14 p.m., September 27, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Now here comes this new humanoid, with sacks of baseball bats and balustrades, urging us to rise up against them. 12:10 p.m., September 27, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: All they'd ever asked of us was the freedom to feed upon the earth; in return, they gave us the energy we needed. 12:05 p.m., September 27, 2010

Last night's dream: We'd always thought of them as a benevolent race of power generators, glowing trees that arrived at just the right time. 12:03 p.m., September 27, 2010

It's gotten to where I can't always tell whether it's real football or just a football video game in the other room. #simulacra 8:13 p.m., September 26, 2010

Misread: "To do: Go shoplifting!" http://lil.b27.org/zyvin 5:42 p.m., September 26, 2010

@k1mothy I have been dreaming about new Mountain Dew flavors a lot lately, it's true. But it's not so far-fetched: http://lil.b27.org/xvczg 2:19 a.m., September 26, 2010

Last night's dream: In the future, they've invented lemon Mountain Dew and cured blindness—but they still haven't fixed family dynamics. 6:14 p.m., September 25, 2010

First dream: I got shot for opening my big mouth. Second dream: My brother and I suspended our mutually assured destruction pact—or did we? 12:32 p.m., September 24, 2010

"This might do," she thought. She held the long pillowcase up to her figure. Add some holes, and it was shapeless enough to be chic! 12:30 p.m., September 24, 2010

There are 777 emails in my work inbox. How come I don't feel lucky? 1:44 a.m., September 24, 2010

Help! I'm trapped inside a crystal near Wild Horse Creek Road and I-64! If my crystal is found, please call... http://lil.b27.org/akgiv 12:54 a.m., September 22, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: They sent a white, box fan–like hovercraft out to find us. Time to go to ground for the night...in a boiler room. 12:45 p.m., September 21, 2010

Last night's dream: That mangled helicopter was going to crash down somewhere—and if they had their druthers, it was going to be on us. 12:39 p.m., September 21, 2010

Apparently "Oh, I was just checking out your city's webcam!" falls into the category of creepy. Ah, stalker theory. http://lil.b27.org/vpoez 1:43 a.m., September 21, 2010

It's spelled #WallStreetPiñata. Copy and paste if you need to. 1:04 a.m., September 21, 2010

Maybe it was Kale-El—a.k.a. the Jolly Green Giant. 4:31 p.m., September 20, 2010

Last night's dream: A blond guy named Gayle El (relation of Kal-El?) gave me his number at the grocery store. 2:24 p.m., September 19, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Everyone here has died more times than you can imagine—only to be resurrected in new splendor at each day's end. 1:17 p.m., September 18, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: That's the amount of time left to reach a specific destination in the hotel—and kill or be killed in the process. 1:14 p.m., September 18, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Bouts are announced on the face of the waistcoated concierge's pocket watch: "58.9, Platform 9" 1:12 p.m., September 18, 2010

Last night's dream: Amid a few square miles of forest in the suburbs of another city lies the hotel where clockwork ghosts do battle. 1:05 p.m., September 18, 2010

@APStylebook Also, "rap" alone pulls up only "forcible rape," whereas a search for "rape" reveals several other entries. 8:03 p.m., September 17, 2010

Dear @APStylebook: Why does a Quick Search for "gangsta rap" pull up the entry "forcible rape"?! 8:01 p.m., September 17, 2010

Seen at an #STL light: Two guys in an old Volvo, waving their arms around to music. One caught my eye, said "Shh!" and told me not to tell. 4:24 p.m., September 17, 2010

Yesterday, almost everything I looked up was in the P section of the dictionary. Today's rapidly becoming an F day. Fitting. 3:47 p.m., September 16, 2010

DEAR COWORKER: YOU SAID YOU HOPED I'D FEEL BETTER LAST WEEK, SO I JUST WANTED TO GIVE YOU AN UPDATE. I'M FEELING BETTER. BEST, YOUR COWORKER 11:18 p.m., September 13, 2010

Last night's dream: I was living in @jcooperman's basement library, surrounded by books, when water began to seep beneath the French doors. 4:59 p.m., September 13, 2010

Seen on the Loop: A second-gen metal-flake–magenta Dodge Charger, complete with chrome rims and—this is new—a sun-visor LCD. 1:41 a.m., September 13, 2010

Misread: "Maybe I'll cook up a little ground turkey or some black bears." 12:10 a.m., September 13, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: The future, it was decided, was in Siberia. 1:58 p.m., September 12, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: The mutant slime, however, had reached a point where it could impersonate us—and infect our minds. 1:42 p.m., September 12, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: We navigated the underwater garbage coves with a tiny cutter ship; we set up ambushes for the robots. 1:40 p.m., September 12, 2010

Last night's dream: Humanity clung to life underground—only to be overtaken by robots, mutant slime, and dwindling resources. 1:37 p.m., September 12, 2010

U2 fans clearly created our work phone system; the receptionist's console has an alert that uses the opening tones of "With or Without You." 5:42 p.m., September 11, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Ended the evening with a stop at an L.A. gas station for spicy sodas—Gatorade Picante and Mountain Dew Poblano. 4:13 p.m., September 11, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Stymied, I explored a glass room being built, with a blue-striped Venetian-glass bed frame and swipe-card access. 4:04 p.m., September 11, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: But at intermission, my shoes broke, and the other ones available all seemed to sprout extra straps. Impossible! 3:57 p.m., September 11, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I was in a musical that night in a red dress and red shoes, snarking about other characters—1950s Greek chorus. 3:55 p.m., September 11, 2010

Last night's dream: Standing on the veranda of the actors' residence, I saw a whole wing of fighter jets fly over the green, rolling fields. 3:47 p.m., September 11, 2010

@k1mothy: I used "liana" in Scrabble last night. Yeah, my class built a rainforest in the hallway when I was 10. 3:45 p.m., September 11, 2010

I saw someone using a payphone at the mall earlier. Did a double take; I didn't even know the mall had a payphone. 12:19 a.m., September 11, 2010

@fchimero ○ ← You know, to keep from having kids! ◯ ← For kids! 1:04 p.m., September 10, 2010

Last night's previous dream: My predecessor at work finally published a mini comic—and I demolished my coed floor-hockey opponents. Triumph! 9:31 p.m., September 09, 2010

Last night's dream: Future me left me an AmEx card under the alias I was to cultivate, plus coin/cash prototypes that confirmed my theories. 9:26 p.m., September 09, 2010

Misread: "Should I go to bed now or track down my friendly neighborhood math dealer?" 2:01 a.m., September 05, 2010

It was at the precise moment that the tsunami burst out of the waves in "Ponyo" that I heard water start coming through my bathroom ceiling. 5:57 p.m., September 04, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Next day, we barbecued to unveil a Modernist-inspired in-ground pool where the home's back turnaround used to be. 1:38 p.m., September 03, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I only noticed when I went out to the car to get something—and saw a tiger silhouetted against the fence. 1:32 p.m., September 03, 2010

Last night's dream: An itinerant troupe was housing its big cats on what it thought were vacant lots—including my huge old backyard. 1:29 p.m., September 03, 2010

I passed two different cars stopped, hazards flashing, on the way home. That would basically describe today. #ihabacold 11:22 p.m., September 01, 2010

Me: "Any cool conferences near me?" Lanyrd: "Psh." http://lil.b27.org/hcqfd 2:20 a.m., September 01, 2010

Try prefacing every retweet with PSST, rather than RT, and see what happens. 1:44 a.m., September 01, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke in a sermon. "Even if we don't know who did this," the priest said, "God does." Did they really not know? 12:36 p.m., August 30, 2010

Last night's dream: My car crashed through a church's brilliant purple stained-glass window. Why'd they put such beauty at ground level? 12:27 p.m., August 30, 2010

@gatewaygroupie Wonder if that's the dreadlocked Goth I saw at the Iowa State Fair last year blowing smoke on her rainbow-leashed child. 10:24 p.m., August 29, 2010

A pictorial quiz: Pikachu or a backpack? http://lil.b27.org/cgimp 10:35 p.m., August 28, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I explained the artwork's iconography. "This one's about my frustration with you," I said. "See these symbols?" 5:31 p.m., August 28, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: My bunker had tampon sculptures and hieroglyphics. "I guess I made these after you all left," I told my friends. 5:27 p.m., August 28, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I ballooned between my parents' bunkers by clutching an inflated plastic department-store bag. 5:24 p.m., August 28, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: My parents also had bunkers. My dad's was dark and filled with power tools; my mom's, plaid-carpeted, with vases. 5:21 p.m., August 28, 2010

Last night's dream: While my friends were playing video games (congrats on winning a pink big-screen), I was building an underground bunker. 5:20 p.m., August 28, 2010

Subject line of the day: "Water cooler is down again." I can imagine a day when a water cooler's microcontroller might truly need resetting. 5:00 p.m., August 27, 2010

Misread: "The Public Porcupine Institute." 6:23 p.m., August 26, 2010

Last night's dream: The first terminators were fairly innocuous, like Johnny 5 with a machine gun. But even then, their eyes glowed red. 3:58 p.m., August 26, 2010

“We mounted a massive maritime response. It was the largest response there’s ever been”—It was the largest spill there's ever been, jackass. 1:04 a.m., August 26, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: "Now it's all in the hands of our flyboys," I thought. "Our mother-lovin', steampunk-plane flyboys." 12:38 p.m., August 25, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: When we figured it out, it was too late—machines made in the company's factories were herding us down the street. 12:37 p.m., August 25, 2010

Last night's dream: Something was amiss in the company library! Strategic misfiling, unauthorized copying, someone memorizing whole files... 12:34 p.m., August 25, 2010

"I call this my Butterfly Inferno look." 8:39 p.m., August 24, 2010

P.S. I don't really have a son. In the wise words of Kearny, "That was just cloud talk, man." 8:39 p.m., August 24, 2010

Last night's dream: Glasses-wallet-keys-phone-ring. Twice I failed to save my son while finding these things. 11:58 a.m., August 24, 2010

A pictorial quiz: Seth Godin, or a Plasticine model of Seth Godin? http://lil.b27.org/pkhwr http://lil.b27.org/kmhwh 1:51 a.m., August 24, 2010

@anamariecox I keep hearing the phrase "wrote a blog about X," when the speaker meant "wrote a blog post about" or "posted something about." 1:23 a.m., August 24, 2010

This episode of Why QA Matters Online was brought to you by @stltoday: "Schweitzer outs Favazza from circuit clerk's job." A.k.a. ousts? 3:34 p.m., August 18, 2010

I keep reading the adjacent "Time" and "Files" tabs in Basecamp as "time flies." And oh, how it does. 4:53 p.m., August 13, 2010

Billy Joel's "Pressure" faded to The Smiths' "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now" as I awoke. Happy Friday the 13th! http://lil.b27.org/chwec 12:40 p.m., August 13, 2010

Pro tip: Once shirtless, however, try to avoid A. playgrounds, B. industrial alleys, C. football practice, and D. stealing a new shirt. 12:35 p.m., August 13, 2010

Pro tip: When someone falls off an alphabet tower to the sky and loses her kit, it's poor form to ask which serif or ligature she landed on. 12:33 p.m., August 13, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Specifically, to drink 'til the end of the bar. Stop sooner, and she'd evaporate and reappear on a mountainside. 1:25 p.m., August 07, 2010

Last night's dream: After some surveillance, they took my mother and I away to a cloudy room with a long, twisting bar. Her job: to drink. 1:22 p.m., August 07, 2010

I'm working on a style guide. I got to "Hyphenation" and decided to break for lunch. 6:19 p.m., August 06, 2010

"What do you get when you mix a little inspiration from Kris Kringle and the Gingerbread Man with a couple cans of spray paint?" Um, poison? 2:22 p.m., August 06, 2010

Email subject line of the day: "How to Manage Multiple Priorities"—by deleting this message. 10:41 p.m., August 02, 2010

Last night's dream: I started Rollerblading in my old neighborhood, but soon the hills got larger and my only options were highway on-ramps. 2:54 p.m., August 01, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: As I reflected back on it all, Def Leppard's "Hysteria" trickled into my consciousness. http://lil.b27.org/dxyuj 3:57 p.m., July 31, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: 'Til the end, though, our laptops were connected to a shared photo server—and what was uploaded was beautiful. 3:44 p.m., July 31, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Things devolved. One guy allied with Russia for protection; I peddled views of a big-screen TV with one speaker. 3:40 p.m., July 31, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: We'd set out on a humanitarian mission to save kidnapped kids. We saved just one before our transport crashed. 3:38 p.m., July 31, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Early on, @voltarine scooped two tiny, clear octopi out of the sea—only to realize they were joined at the head. 3:32 p.m., July 31, 2010

Last night's dream: At the time of the postindustrial apocalypse, bartering for things got easier. So, too, did kidnapping people. 3:26 p.m., July 31, 2010

Why QA Matters Online: The code knows that her what, @WSJ? http://lil.b27.org/osatz http://lil.b27.org/jmtof 1:43 a.m., July 31, 2010

@reitoeii Did you read this article? http://lil.b27.org/hucpv 1:12 a.m., July 31, 2010

Last night's dream: For my sins, I was put in Time-Out Dungeon, filled with insects. My task for the duration: to step only on open tiles. 12:36 p.m., July 29, 2010

@ContemporarySTL Piet Mondrian's "Farm near Duivendrecht." http://lil.b27.org/abxuu 12:15 a.m., July 29, 2010

@BitterOldPunk Just like banks; one of my earliest posts here was something like "Wow, this bank really knows what time it is!" 12:00 a.m., July 29, 2010

Night before last's dream: I was the U.S. president-elect; on a White House tour, I saved @voltarine from Jeffrey Dahmer and electrocution. 11:41 a.m., July 27, 2010

I'm so disappointed that no one's actually making use of http://www.yes.no. 10:21 p.m., July 25, 2010

This required prop styling? Seriously? http://lil.b27.org/zaxgu 7:17 p.m., July 25, 2010

There are no Google results for "campy journalistic conventions." Too bad, 'cause there are a lot of 'em. 5:22 p.m., July 23, 2010

I'm pretty sure I saw some dude in the stands at Busch Stadium try to buy a beer with a credit card—and immediately get shot down. 4:02 a.m., July 21, 2010

What I want to ask the interns: "How would you say it if you were a normal human being?" 7:30 p.m., July 20, 2010

How long? "Twenty-siz years," according to my fingers. 7:27 p.m., July 20, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Michigan's theme song: Gorillaz's "Plastic Beach." http://lil.b27.org/farjk 1:00 p.m., July 20, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: When we got to Michigan, we tried to catch some ugly fish under a guy's deck—and caught a cat head instead. 12:38 p.m., July 20, 2010

Last night's dream: Why did I put all the silverware in my checked bag? And why, when asked about it, did I replace it all with books? 12:33 p.m., July 20, 2010

@jcooperman Did I ever send you my list of Bras That Should Not Be? Check out "The Nipple Bra." http://lil.b27.org/kebkd 2:15 a.m., July 20, 2010

Last night's dream: I was caught in a bad police seriocomedy starring Tina Fey. 12:24 a.m., July 20, 2010

Last night's dream: The ceiling was the most convenient place to mount an editor's desk. See also: parking uphill, in mud, in the forest. 10:06 a.m., July 18, 2010

Misread CNN's "politicalticker" subdomain as "politicaltheater." 10:18 p.m., July 17, 2010

Microsoft Word's only complaint re: the smiley I put in an article's comments was that it had a space between the colon and end parenthesis. 10:17 p.m., July 17, 2010

Last night's dream: I was the sun fairy—but still a teenager, still in human form, yet to turn 16 and start giving off rainbow light energy. 2:22 p.m., July 17, 2010

@JoeBerkowitz Nefarious deeds, also. 9:39 p.m., July 16, 2010

Last night's dream: Last I remember, I was separating Post-its into two stacks, one for those I'd written on, another for blank ones. 12:15 p.m., July 16, 2010

Wow, BP has totally ruined the Smithsonian logo for me. (And this guy, apparently: http://lil.b27.org/qpltm ) 11:55 p.m., July 15, 2010

Lately someone lost a coupla CDs on Forest Park Parkway. They've since lodged in a grate at just the right angle to reflect iridescent blue. 10:59 p.m., July 15, 2010

Promotional-email subject line of the day: "If at first you don't succeed"—stop sending me spam. 10:24 p.m., July 15, 2010

Dear @QuakerTalk: I love your Chewy Granola Bars, but the Pool Time bars taste (and disintegrate) like they've spent too much time poolside. 6:51 p.m., July 15, 2010

Beautiful synchronicity: The gal with whom I shared the double bathroom at CBGB last night was applying my favorite perfume. 6:45 p.m., July 15, 2010

@metroidbaby Apparently so? See: http://lil.b27.org/wralw 10:41 p.m., July 14, 2010

Seen standing between lanes on Eager Road: A paper bag–wrapped 40-ounce. #stl 10:30 p.m., July 14, 2010

The latest reason why QA matters online: http://lil.b27.org/vtkqv 4:14 a.m., July 14, 2010

And the second annual Summer of Celebrity Death rolls on: RIP Harvey Pekar and James P. Hogan. 4:04 a.m., July 14, 2010

@netaustin Forget the rest of the game—the NL deserved the win just on the basis of those two laser-sharp plays at second. 3:58 a.m., July 14, 2010

@kitacreative Just a data point: I've also been getting the "Unable to connect to AIM. Retrying..." error in Gmail via @googleapps. 3:58 p.m., July 13, 2010

Saved from fire in last night's dream: A many-faceted amber glass apple, sides shaped/engraved to resemble a swirl of dappled butterflies. 12:49 p.m., July 13, 2010

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Last night's dream, cont.: Even auditory implants could be commandeered—although everything that came through them was often AutoTuned. 1:17 p.m., July 11, 2010

Last night's dream: Laptop cameras, cellphone cameras—even people's retinal implants!—could be harnessed by the government for manhunts. 1:13 p.m., July 11, 2010

Thanks to @APStylebook for fixing Quick Search, and to @Netflix for fixing the movie "Chances Are"! 8:38 p.m., July 10, 2010

I'm surprised: Google has yet to index the phrase "Here be typers." 4:41 p.m., July 10, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I freed the women, then inscribed my pseudonym (since forgotten) on the visitors' log in iridescent pink ink. 4:22 p.m., July 10, 2010

Last night's dream: My sisters in crime were imprisoned. Sean Connery was being interrogated in the next room. I slid in on a wire. 4:15 p.m., July 10, 2010

I awoke with a line from OK Go's "The House Wins" echoing in my mind: "You don't have to be alone to be lonely...you might as well give in." 12:47 p.m., July 08, 2010

Things That Never Happened: Each year as a child I was given a pink pearl, wired into its shell. The last year, they just gave me a picture. 12:41 p.m., July 08, 2010

Last night's dream: I went to a shellfish bar—kind of like a sushi bar, but with a variety of mollusks and giant blue starfish. 6:33 p.m., July 07, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: "Don't you remember? You took out a restraining order against him." "In a previous dream? That's still binding?" 1:36 p.m., July 04, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: A competition's prize—the company of supermodels—was spoiled when someone got all the models together herself. 1:27 p.m., July 04, 2010

Last night's dream: I met Magogo, mistress of the dancing spiders. 1:19 p.m., July 04, 2010

@sambosambo Ha! That's a running joke between a coworker and I, actually—"E-T-S-Y! E-T-S-Y!"—'cause an interviewee once said it that way. 6:43 p.m., July 03, 2010

Fitting: Several times a week, a PR guy named Schlocker sends me email peddling some newly manufactured schlock. @gatewaygroupie #Schatzberg 10:56 p.m., July 02, 2010

Last night's dream: If Cultural Icons Went A-Courting in Florissant. Dave Winer chased girls at the pool; Colin Firth, at the bowling alley. 12:47 p.m., July 02, 2010

I got polled today by Eastern Research Services re: St. Louis County Council and County Executive candidates. #stl 11:36 p.m., July 01, 2010

@rands See, I see those three things (job, career, calling) as varying-size pieces of the pie chart that's one's day-to-day gig. 10:58 p.m., July 01, 2010

Definitely misread part of the URL as /zomg/, rather than /zooms/—I think mine conveys more of the right sentiment. http://lil.b27.org/liyxk 6:11 p.m., July 01, 2010

Last night's dream: A tiny translucent demon began to follow me, setting tiny fires with his embery breath. 12:38 p.m., June 28, 2010

Today's theme: "Ten years, and what has it gotten us?" http://lil.b27.org/ivlov 4:30 a.m., June 27, 2010

Creepy Texas place names: The Colony, The Woodlands, White Settlement... 5:43 p.m., June 25, 2010

"Four ways STLtoday.com just got better!" Sadly, none of them involve correct spelling. 5:41 p.m., June 25, 2010

From the summer outside to the winter within... 1:50 p.m., June 24, 2010

Seen last night: A little girl, no older than 5, so into the tiny screen she was holding that she kicked open a door to avoid looking up. 12:59 p.m., June 24, 2010

"Please subscribs to our fine publication!" http://lil.b27.org/erfim 11:15 p.m., June 23, 2010

There are no Google results for "neon yellow tortilla." But that's what I'm having. 5:50 p.m., June 23, 2010

Misread: "Atlant!c City." More place names should include exclamation marks. 10:56 p.m., June 22, 2010

Poorly executed: Complaining about someone's "poorly exec­tuted" anything. 11:57 p.m., June 21, 2010

Dear Teh @Twitter: There's a typo on ur webz. http://lil.b27.org/pkmwl 10:46 p.m., June 18, 2010

There were emergency vehicles on every street—lights flashing, sirens blaring—on the way home. 10:36 p.m., June 18, 2010

AP Stylebook Online's Quick Search is anything but; every time I use it, I have to enter the search twice to get it to work. 1:06 a.m., June 18, 2010

@reitoeii Exactly. Hence the name of my ongoing series of tweets re: copy-editing failures, "Why QA Matters Online." 12:17 a.m., June 18, 2010

@reitoeii I think editing is my vocation, or part of it. But I'm a priest of a dying faith. They need us, but they like to think they don't. 12:14 a.m., June 18, 2010

@metroidbaby That URL just makes me think of John Bogle, the founder of Vanguard. 11:53 p.m., June 17, 2010

Hahahaha, pep talks for copy editors: "There's no hope, so just keep working." http://lil.b27.org/kaqlb 11:50 p.m., June 17, 2010

There are almost no Google results for "Argentinean treehouse." 4:48 a.m., June 17, 2010

I feel like going home and looking at pictures of traffic jams. 10:32 p.m., June 16, 2010

@JoeBerkowitz Heh. I did that last week—by raising my left eyebrow. Suddenly, the fidgety, teary little girl straightened up and smiled. 11:15 p.m., June 14, 2010

"U.S. Mummifies Vast Stretches of Afghanistan"? Cool! 2:22 a.m., June 14, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: The art director was still scheming—and a tiny, dark form was still observing me from the shadows—when I woke up. 1:36 p.m., June 13, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: The painting shimmered with energy they had no hope of understanding, given their petty corporate preoccupations. 1:33 p.m., June 13, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: And so I did. First act: Bidding on a painting that the bosses at a magazine had hoped to use as stock cover art. 1:31 p.m., June 13, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: When my people were massacred, my jeweled seal was with them, ensuring that when they were uncovered, I'd awake. 1:30 p.m., June 13, 2010

Last night's dream: I was a caretaker fairy from the distant past, reawakened to reclaim my people's lost heritage. 1:22 p.m., June 13, 2010

@thomascrone: My God, man—today's show goes straight to the centers of my brain that make me reluctant to return to work. Great stuff! 6:01 p.m., June 11, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Another man appeared, wearing the robes of a vizier. I ducked behind his cape for cover... and woke up. 12:51 p.m., June 10, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: He began slinging razors at us. One grazed my fiancé's sideburn; another took out a chunk of skin on my back. 12:47 p.m., June 10, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I swung down to join my fiancé for a tour—but the only line left was for "Hugs & Kisses." A caped man appeared. 12:44 p.m., June 10, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: "Wait 'til I tell the others!" I thought. "Ameren does have vast wealth—and it's spending it on a menagerie." 12:42 p.m., June 10, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I went up in a colorful canvas turret to see—and saw two wrestling black bears, an elephant, and a polar bear. 12:40 p.m., June 10, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: At AmerenUE, we heard sirens outside. Tornadoes were attacking! But surely this edifice would stop them. 12:36 p.m., June 10, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I got in and learned the operator (reachable by headset) could slow my car slightly if I wished to use a jeejah. 12:32 p.m., June 10, 2010

Last night's dream: They reversed the flow of the highways and allowed only a fleet of computer-controlled taxis to drive on 'em. 12:29 p.m., June 10, 2010

Radiation oncology is radonculous. It pleases me that at least one med student has realized this. http://lil.b27.org/lymov 4:08 p.m., June 08, 2010

Why QA matters online: 'Cause the spelling of one's name shouldn't change from deck to byline, @IncMagazine. http://lil.b27.org/ucpcp 12:35 p.m., June 07, 2010

Last night's dream: "Hey Dad, so...I took a 10-mile taxi ride and this guy says it'll be $800. Can you pay him some money...or talk to him?" 12:07 p.m., June 07, 2010

Google searches for "petroleum-free makeup" and "petroleum-free cosmetics" had five and zero results, respectively. 7:51 p.m., June 05, 2010

Lobster goblets! http://lil.b27.org/gteow http://lil.b27.org/zqabf 8:26 p.m., June 05, 2010

Prurigo—is that the skin condition you get from walking around the ruins of Pruitt-Igoe? 8:14 p.m., June 05, 2010

Google searches for "nonpetroleum makeup" and "nonpetroleum cosmetics" had two and zero results, respectively. 7:53 p.m., June 05, 2010

Is it just me, or is it in really bad taste to advertise any sale as a "blowout" right now? 12:53 p.m., June 04, 2010

No, @Microsoft Word, "pulmonology" and "paleontology" aren't synonyms. But nice try! 3:30 p.m., June 03, 2010

@sambosambo Oh God! I saw that and thought of fetuses. #iheartspelling 1:00 p.m., June 01, 2010

Last night's dream: Amid various minor tragedies, I began to develop Force powers. 4:42 p.m., May 30, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: But we'd been seen! An assassin found us—one shot, and Sayid was down. I embraced him; he told me to save Nadia. 1:31 p.m., May 29, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I went into the right-hand galleries—and there was Sayid. He smiled. Then we took off up carousel-painted stairs. 1:22 p.m., May 29, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: As we entered the museum (shortcut), the security guard raised her walkie-talkie. "Let's split up," he murmured. 1:20 p.m., May 29, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I said I was in. I asked what I could do to help. He said I could find Nadia in the hospital for him—room 133449. 1:18 p.m., May 29, 2010

Last night's dream: Sayid was drying his laundry by whirling it around a pavilion with a spell. He knew the authorities were watching. 1:16 p.m., May 29, 2010

@NiemanLab Awesome for everyone but the journalists, that is. http://lil.b27.org/hmcmn 3:05 a.m., May 27, 2010

Music for a double rainbow: Jónsi's "Go Do." http://lil.b27.org/zoaqw 12:21 a.m., May 27, 2010

@netaustin Yeah, I got to that point a couple of weeks ago. http://lil.b27.org/ejsqb 1:55 a.m., May 25, 2010

Lady Gaga's the L. Ron Hubbard of pop music. 6:18 p.m., May 24, 2010

Mistyped: "forefox sync." Respect your forefoxes! 5:06 p.m., May 23, 2010

Dear @Twitter Autolinker: Why would I want a closing parenthesis and comma to become part of my link? See: http://lil.b27.org/ijfaq 2:33 p.m., May 23, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: She even had a coupla Motown harmonizers back her on it. "What do you think?" she asked me. "Should I redo it?" 2:20 p.m., May 23, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: The white girl's dilemma: A contest she sought to enter required audio, and she read it in an accent not her own. 2:17 p.m., May 23, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: An old college friend from Philly wrote a poem about being single, black, and pregnant in St. Louis. 2:10 p.m., May 23, 2010

Last night's dream: My left arm got sliced into a dozen bone-in, bloodless pink pieces. 2:05 p.m., May 23, 2010

Last night's dream: Smoke-monster aliens moved in next door. Can you tell how I've been spending my Tuesday nights? 1:48 p.m., May 22, 2010

Overheard at a game: Mom: Don't say our son's name. We don't know you. Fan: OK, I'll just say his number. Go No. 5! #chesterfieldpedopolice 1:20 p.m., May 19, 2010

"Yes, please sign me up for the Saturday–Monaday edition of your fine publication!" http://lil.b27.org/xfvip 3:29 a.m., May 19, 2010

"Thx for the postcard! I ♥ your brand channel's curated content!" http://lil.b27.org/olobs http://lil.b27.org/jhjbf http://lil.b27.org/hfqor 3:26 a.m., May 19, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I guess we survived, because then I heard all high-school soccer games were to go 114 minutes (to fight obesity). 12:10 p.m., May 18, 2010

Last night's dream: A mini nuclear missile targeting Robert Freeman (of The Boondocks) bounced off his arm back into the sky—and exploded. 12:07 p.m., May 18, 2010

Last night's dream: They began writing a screenplay about the Truth (see comments: http://lil.b27.org/tshyp), and built a T-shaped trolley. 12:17 p.m., May 17, 2010

Misread: "Volcano is never the answer." 1:43 a.m., May 17, 2010

Symptoms: Are you currently experiencing The Hum? ☑ Yes ☐ No http://lil.b27.org/znblj 10:58 a.m., May 16, 2010

@reitoeii It is if you're the Post-Dispatch. 11:05 p.m., May 14, 2010

collasp (kə-ˈlasp) v. 1. presumably to gasp and collapse at the same time, per @STLtoday 2. to collapse upon being bitten by an asp 7:36 p.m., May 14, 2010

@KirkCowell: Whoa, I was just looking at #TheMonti's site—the founder's my fiancé's former roommate. I'm helping judge the next MothUP here! 12:14 a.m., May 13, 2010

Wait, so DJ Steve Aoki really isn't just an extended hoax on the part of John Cusack? You sure? http://lil.b27.org/ijwvb 12:19 a.m., May 12, 2010

"Fist-time buyer"—would that be someone who hires a hit man? 11:33 p.m., May 11, 2010

Last night's dream: After emergency surgery, I was kept in bed 'til midsummer, when I managed to limp back out of my apartment. 10:50 p.m., May 11, 2010

A big part of being in the know is knowing where to be. 12:38 p.m., May 10, 2010

@sambosambo: Congratulations on being part of the waking world! 3:25 p.m., May 08, 2010

@k1mothy: Yeah, but this is exactly when @sambosambo isn't sleeping, isn't it? 5:48 a.m., May 08, 2010

Seen on the Loop (according to friends): A woman harnessed inside a Plexiglas box in the back of a truck, complete with a stripper pole. 5:47 a.m., May 08, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I went out for Dissidents' Lunch with an old friend. 3:38 p.m., May 07, 2010

Last night's dream: All I know is that I was using a Shop-Vac to suck up mice. Oh, and then I challenged a little girl's mom to judo. 12:35 p.m., May 07, 2010

Did that girl just call me "[Dog's name] doesn't like people," i.e. what I said last week as I steered away the dog I was walking? #ifsoWTF 11:59 p.m., May 06, 2010

This has been yet another installment of Why QA Matters Online: http://lil.b27.org/ycngx 10:32 p.m., May 06, 2010

@BitterOldPunk: I'll trade you some nausea of existence... 7:34 p.m., May 04, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I switched modes on my glasses and saw the energy staves on their backs. Alas, my face telegraphed my fear... 12:52 p.m., May 04, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Unfortunately, the play was infiltrated by armed convicts escaping Judge Fabrazzi's courtroom. 12:46 p.m., May 04, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: This ocean liner made a yearly trip to disadvantaged island nations to study and provide aid to the people there. 12:44 p.m., May 04, 2010

Last night's dream: We boarded Social Worker's Boathouse, a.k.a. The People's Yacht, anchored in a "floating plaza" downtown, to see a play. 12:43 p.m., May 04, 2010

Facebook: "The things you care about have been co-opted by The Man." 1:01 a.m., May 03, 2010

I've been wearing so much black and gray that a guy at Fast Eddie's asked me if I was a priest. 8:26 p.m., April 30, 2010

Fruit salad with pineapple, banana, and peach sauce tastes exactly the way an old shampoo of mine used to smell. 8:25 p.m., April 30, 2010

What is it with PR people not noticing potentially creepy email subject lines? "We know what your dog is thinking..."? Really? 9:07 p.m., April 29, 2010

Emailing the photographer I kept bothering for stuff over her vacation: "I hope everything went well over the rest of your faca—vacation." 9:05 p.m., April 29, 2010

Is it just me, or does the Houston Chronicle masthead look rather...Soviet? http://lil.b27.org/ulqtl http://lil.b27.org/kovrh 9:01 p.m., April 29, 2010

Seen last night in the Loop North parking lot: a lone soccer shoe with a brown beer bottle set upright inside, resting in between spots. 7:36 p.m., April 29, 2010

Misread at the @Dierbergs salad bar: "Spaghetti Island," a.k.a. spaghetti salad. 7:37 p.m., April 28, 2010

@48hrmag Nope, I'm in St. Louis! But I'm used to telecommuting—I've edited for companies in Philly, Mpls./St. Paul, etc. from my desk here. 1:22 a.m., April 28, 2010

@48hrmag Need any copy editors? I'd LOVE to help—and we'll have shipped the mag I work for to the printer by this Fri, so I'll have time to! 12:37 a.m., April 28, 2010

Next headline: 100-Year-Old Woman Exacerbates Scoliosis With New iPad! http://lil.b27.org/wnbmf 11:45 p.m., April 24, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: We caught a bus outside—and an old enemy of mine got on at the next stop. Agh! We were forced to make small talk. 11:15 p.m., April 24, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: We began jogging slowly toward an exit, hoping to seem innocuous, as teens sprinted in all directions around us. 11:11 p.m., April 24, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: At which point (of course) the police arrived to break up a "teen riot" taking place elsewhere in the park. 11:07 p.m., April 24, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Soon we found ourselves using parkour to cut through a college campus and its adjoining park, bleachers, etc. 11:06 p.m., April 24, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Problem: My car was parked at Cahokia Mounds, and we were in South County. We began to trek along the highway. 11:04 p.m., April 24, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: After attending a different party thrown by @gatewaygroupie later on, @jcooperman and I made our way to my car. 11:03 p.m., April 24, 2010

Last night's dream: An old high-school teacher and his Gothy wife cornered me by turns to talk about their angst and fertility issues. 11:00 p.m., April 24, 2010

Last night's dream: An old friend set out to realize his dream: to be photographed (illegally) napping in as many sarcophagi as possible. 12:46 p.m., April 23, 2010

A commonality of sports commentators and drunks: Both types frequently insist upon repeating themselves until heard. 11:46 p.m., April 22, 2010

Last night's dream: Unfortunately, I don't remember it, 'cause when my car plunged straight into an icy glacial river I bolted awake. 6:25 p.m., April 22, 2010

@dcurtis: Re: the $1, I'll have to let y'know when xdollars.org is up and running. It'll answer the question "What can I get for X dollars?" 7:24 p.m., April 21, 2010

To the car with the "Abortion is always the wrong choice" decal: Thanks for cutting me off on I-170! So glad to see you value human life! 2:37 p.m., April 21, 2010

@netaustin: I loved that movie as a kid, but I can't even watch it anymore after hearing so many self-proclaimed "nerds" gush about it. 9:38 p.m., April 20, 2010

Last night's dream: I squeezed a drop of green blood out of a tiny hole in my skin—only to watch it flow back in, as if sentient. 2:05 p.m., April 20, 2010

Dear @PenguinBooksAus: May I offer my services as a copy-editor/proofreader? http://lil.b27.org/tulgx 6:40 p.m., April 19, 2010

Surprisingly, there are no Google results for "endless insurance nightmare." 7:05 p.m., April 17, 2010

Speaking of @jessamyn's @googlemaps conundrum, here are two of my recent St. Louis faves: http://lil.b27.org/zasun http://lil.b27.org/totac 7:01 p.m., April 17, 2010

An old dream: An alternate-universe Jamie Oliver lived and wrote in St. Louis. We were in love for about an hour; then I said I was engaged. 10:47 p.m., April 16, 2010

Sometimes I doubt your commitment to forward motion: http://lil.b27.org/uyaaz http://lil.b27.org/sxnyj http://lil.b27.org/silih #stl 4:37 p.m., April 16, 2010

A vacation dream, cont.: When we responded, a bloom of orange mold enveloped the car's exterior, climbing the doors, then the windows... 11:11 p.m., April 14, 2010

A vacation dream: I was in the car, talking to Akon about a remix, when some green mold on the windshield spoke to us telepathically. 11:10 p.m., April 14, 2010

The last week: Babies living in high-rises! Dead batteries on the sidewalk! Food! People refusing to merge! A brass knuckles–shaped anthill! 10:46 p.m., April 14, 2010

OK, good—I'm not the only one who noticed. http://lil.b27.org/xsovc http://lil.b27.org/nzcki @punchingkitty 3:28 p.m., April 14, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I asked whether people were crushed within. "Whaddaya want?" he asked. "Half the rooms in my house are bleeding." 12:43 p.m., April 14, 2010

Last night's dream: When the floods came, Jesus' apartment building and fellowship hall folded, Transformers-style, into a mansion. 12:35 p.m., April 14, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke with Buck Dharma's "Harvest Moon" in my head. http://lil.b27.org/zseyw 12:50 p.m., April 05, 2010

Last night's dream: Mr. Burns hired my brother to sprint back and forth across four lanes of traffic at dusk, wearing an ancient skull mask. 12:42 p.m., April 05, 2010

It's a terrible coincidence how this link happened to hash. In any case...Alton represent? http://lil.b27.org/wmppf 12:42 a.m., March 29, 2010

"For best effect, make sure your milk carton has Japanese or other 'exotic' characters." http://lil.b27.org/dgloh http://lil.b27.org/lgkof 11:07 a.m., March 28, 2010

Separated at birth: The Alarm's "Spirit of '76" and Guided by Voices' "Don't Stop Now." 4:21 p.m., March 27, 2010

Just saw a woman standing on the corner holding a signboard for $9.99 pizza—with a Halloween ghost on it. #recession 11:09 p.m., March 26, 2010

In the flash-mob thread, misread "We definitely need more jobs for kids" as "We definitely need more mobs for kids." http://lil.b27.org/fm 12:16 a.m., March 26, 2010

My middle finger tends to rest on this keyboard's K key in idle moments. kkkkk—I imagine this is the keyboard equivalent of crying "Uncle!" 3:30 p.m., March 24, 2010

Last night's dream: I partly microwaved my forearm when the vinyl coat I was trying to soften up melted into the unit's shutoff mechanism. 1:38 p.m., March 24, 2010

@jessamyn: Have you read this bit in the New Yorker about the whole book-publishing racket? http://lil.b27.org/eeslq 2:22 a.m., March 24, 2010

Lesson learned as a (temporary) dog owner: There is litter EVERYWHERE. @UniversityCity's open dumpsters are a nuisance. 10:37 p.m., March 22, 2010

Misread "Speeders, beware!" as "Spiders, beware!" 8:20 p.m., March 22, 2010

Invitation of the day: "Screening of Svetlana's Journey, a [doc re:] the life of a 13 year Bulgarian girl sold into slavery. FREE PIZZA!" 7:53 p.m., March 22, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Then a woman in a Wonder Woman costume made the parking lot above my old house her own personal shooting gallery. 2:53 p.m., March 21, 2010

Last night's dream: I was assigned to reorder a 5,000-person hit list using Microsoft Word. 2:50 p.m., March 21, 2010

@davewiner: My fiancé endured both @amazon- and @BNBuzz-spawned UPS hell this fall, and that was his question: Why can't they just CALL UPS? 1:19 a.m., March 20, 2010

They arrested an Indian couple in Dubia? Sounds pretty dubious, @stltoday. #whyqamattersonline 8:56 p.m., March 17, 2010

Jesus don't want me for a zombie—I mean, sunbeam. 1:53 p.m., March 17, 2010

"That reminds me of that ballplayer named Stabbin' Noah." "You mean Nick Stavinoha?" 5:23 p.m., March 16, 2010

Creepy email subject line of the day: "Do you need your knives sharpened?" Y'know, stabbing HAS been a bit more difficult lately, @stltoday. 5:16 p.m., March 16, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I did a little hopeful verbal prodding: "We could call the main character Squawk..." 1:17 p.m., March 12, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Did I neglect to mention that these were spike-haired ducks? They wouldn't've looked out of place in Second Life. 1:14 p.m., March 12, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: My character and his sidekick were named Squachiferous and Broadichorous. My boss seemed lost for words. 1:12 p.m., March 12, 2010

Last night's dream: We moved in with my dad, into a shifting house of orange scarves. I was asked to create a video-game character for work. 1:09 p.m., March 12, 2010

The announcer in the Green Zone commercial really sounds like he's saying Greenzo, especially when the commercial's on right before 30 Rock. 4:06 a.m., March 12, 2010

Seen in a single ad in the February 1983 issue of Analog: "Cheating charge accounts," "speed addressing," and "artificial cockfight action." 12:45 a.m., March 11, 2010

@davewiner A bit confusing: club140.org says to DM you if we want to join, but we can't send you DMs unless you're already following us. 12:17 a.m., March 11, 2010

@BrittneyBush: Maybe not good re: what you're asking, but I like a stretch of white or off-white silk brocade, e.g. http://lil.b27.org/uimap 12:08 a.m., March 11, 2010

"President to disappear from riverfront" is kind of a poor subject-line choice when President Obama's in town today. #justsayin' 10:02 p.m., March 10, 2010

"We're on the verge of...scratching that real-world data itch"—and entering the world of Minority Report. http://lil.b27.org/uncuh #pkd 3:37 p.m., March 10, 2010

Last night's dream: "No wonder you aren't selling anything," said my new coworker at the used car lot. "You dress like a meter maid!" 2:51 p.m., March 10, 2010

A woman at Schnucks, yelling at the toy-vending machines: "What are you? You stupid chocolate exploding... Fuck!" 1:17 a.m., March 10, 2010

The flock of geese in the Target parking lot now numbers five, and has taken over a small roadway. 12:02 a.m., March 10, 2010

A pictorial quiz: Entwined stethoscopes or underwear? http://lil.b27.org/owwsi 10:31 p.m., March 09, 2010

I tipped with a tip re: where to get my pen. http://lil.b27.org/gbeez 7:00 p.m., March 09, 2010

A coworker in last night's dream: "Listen, you don't have to kiss up to me and buy me stuff. Just do the right thing." 3:45 p.m., March 09, 2010

Last night's dream: Between engaging in hand-to-hand combat and avoiding exploding vehicles, I found a trail of coins on the ground. 1:43 p.m., March 08, 2010

@yeahlikethat I have a pony-shaped pan you could borrow... 11:40 p.m., March 05, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I soon ceased worrying about paint; before long I was filmed in gold glitter from brushing against black saris. 3:45 p.m., March 05, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I had to promise the man at the gangplank something to secure my passage, as the family had already boarded. 2:13 p.m., March 05, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I was walking to a park shelter to wash up when a Moorish galleon pulled in on a cloud. I rushed back to board. 2:09 p.m., March 05, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: We watched the band practice, and a kid threw a red paintball at me, which exploded on my hands and in my hair. 2:05 p.m., March 05, 2010

Last night's dream: We were called to attend a distant family member's funeral. We flew to Arizona, then drove to a marching band field. 2:03 p.m., March 05, 2010

PR subject line of the day: "Neptune Opens New Miami Office." Cool, planets! Unfortunately, this Neptune only does business with the dead. 9:54 p.m., March 04, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: But they got us at our wedding: a clown suit and ducked punch for him, a Barbie phone for me, the hordes leering. 1:43 p.m., March 04, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: We resisted, walking among their ranks with seeming impunity, even visiting their brainwashing theater sans harm. 1:38 p.m., March 04, 2010

Last night's dream: The brainless hordes camped out on my front lawn with torches and tents, waiting to welcome me into their legions. 1:22 p.m., March 04, 2010

Last night's dream: You know it was a dream because I ran from STL to KC. Also, a man was crushing frail children, one rib cage at a time. 1:11 p.m., March 02, 2010

The last word spoken in the movie we were watching before the laptop shut itself down: "Bye." 2:51 a.m., March 02, 2010

Overheard in my dream: "$750? That book's gotta have a whole lotta knowledge in it!" "You know that Facebook, Facebrook—whatever—website?" 5:10 p.m., March 01, 2010

This is why my skin crawls when I hear the term "creatives" bandied about: http://lil.b27.org/jgtri 1:52 a.m., March 01, 2010

Separated at birth: Guided by Voices' "Scissors" and Lucky Boys Confusion's "Fred Astaire." 11:25 p.m., February 28, 2010

This afternoon smells like sawdust and tire rubber; the sunshine's sepia-toned. 11:15 p.m., February 28, 2010

@yeahlikethat D'ya think "Mannanafnanefnd" inspired "Bananafanafofana"? 6:48 p.m., February 27, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Don't underestimate the ease with which demons can hide inside coins; I found a small green one in a penny. 3:22 p.m., February 27, 2010

Last night's dream: I saw Blue Öyster Cult play again, then became obsessed with interpretive parachute dancing's silken windings. 3:19 p.m., February 27, 2010

Last night's dream: An ex tried to woo me with a $10,000 dining table. I told him to have it off my driveway by the time I left for work. 2:27 p.m., February 22, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Then I got knocked onto a bellman's cart; a woman tried to force it through a checkout, nearly breaking my neck. 4:33 p.m., February 21, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Some girl at the store was talking re: her (also my) horoscope, and how Gwen Stefani's a Capricorn. (She's not.) 4:11 p.m., February 21, 2010

Last night's dream: Old friends went swimming in a muddy pool; an old coworker filled Sec. of State Clinton's office with philodendrons. 4:07 p.m., February 21, 2010

@keaggy Does that skeleton-running-with-a-gun T-shirt exist? ("Impossible!") I'd buy it. 3:48 p.m., February 19, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I later read in a magazine that someone had "liberated" the cats from my "oppressive bunker" while I was away. 2:40 p.m., February 19, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I left to get them real food, and returned to find no cats and my tiger cub cowering in the corner. 2:38 p.m., February 19, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: When I couldn't find cat food, I tried feeding the cats tiger saliva, but they shied away. 2:27 p.m., February 19, 2010

Last night's dream: When it was time to go to the bunker, I naturally took my two cats and tiger cub. 2:27 p.m., February 19, 2010

Nat King Cole: "His voice was like sweater vests; his name was like a fairy tale." 2:26 p.m., February 19, 2010

Death is near to SLU. http://lil.b27.org/xctab @neilhimself @seattlecrows 10:46 p.m., February 18, 2010

For once, Microsoft Word, you're right: Chicken carbonara IS a chicken coronary just waiting to happen. 8:08 p.m., February 18, 2010

@BrentSpiner I was just thinking about the hyphenation of the word G-d when I saw your RT. Wonder if there are others... 6:07 p.m., February 18, 2010

And no, contrary to the randomly hashed link below, a virgin gin and juice is not a good Rx for bed. You need the gin for that. 5:46 p.m., February 18, 2010

Virgin gin and juice: "a drink consisting of: juice." http://lil.b27.org/bedrx 5:44 p.m., February 18, 2010

Last night's dream: A hospital toppled into the river. Then I almost swam up the Ohio River to an appointment, but got a ride instead. 2:38 p.m., February 17, 2010

Last night's dream: I discovered the fabled iridescent-glitter clarinet. Meanwhile, many souls were claimed by the Devil, a.k.a. Tom Waits. 5:00 p.m., February 14, 2010

Estimado Chile: Por favor acepte mis servicios como editor de copia. http://lil.b27.org/bejxm 10:06 p.m., February 13, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Let me clarify: My mom drove the terrifying, Möbius-strip highways of crumbling stone. I just screamed. 4:38 p.m., February 13, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: And to get to the mansion, we'd had to drive terrifying, Möbius-strip highways of crumbling stone. 4:20 p.m., February 13, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: To get there, we'd had to walk through a maze of stairs and uphill hallways in a city-size mansion. 4:17 p.m., February 13, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Also found a place where you could see, between the branches of ancient trees, city skyscrapers towering. 4:15 p.m., February 13, 2010

Last night's dream: Found the darkest neighborhood in the city amid a forest on an island actually on the Illinois side of the river. 4:12 p.m., February 13, 2010

@metroidbaby I like "Summer of '69." 10:30 p.m., February 12, 2010

@tomscocca Yep—will they start lasing large areas? What if someone strays into a zone being strafed by a more powerful laser? 10:28 p.m., February 12, 2010

Close is always too close when you're taking a smoke break by a loaded propane truck. 2:42 p.m., February 12, 2010

What I want to ask those leaving my building: "Y'all'n't never seen none of them garages with gates on 'em before, has ya?" 3:39 p.m., February 11, 2010

On the drive in, I saw a gray X in a column of steam over World Market. 3:06 p.m., February 11, 2010

@BitterOldPunk I've found the mini ones rather addicting, actually. Did you try those or the full-size ones? 12:20 a.m., February 11, 2010

Mistyped: "ny" instead of "by." Damn you, @davewiner. http://lil.b27.org/gysaq 3:58 p.m., February 10, 2010

Good morning to you, too, brain. http://lil.b27.org/tcstk http://lil.b27.org/rgdnm 1:24 p.m., February 09, 2010

"Put an end to substandard puppy mills." As opposed to the "standard" puppy mills? 4:10 a.m., February 09, 2010

Mistyped: "The Down Industrials." But, well, they are, aren't they? 9:34 p.m., February 08, 2010

Last night's dream: I accidentally came into contact with a bucket of toxic sodium azide in someone's back yard. Panic! 1:59 p.m., February 08, 2010

@Weirdside @theskypirate Re: the LEDs, see: http://lil.b27.org/halftimeleds 2:05 a.m., February 08, 2010

@rachitshukla Re: the LEDs, see: http://lil.b27.org/halftimeleds 1:17 a.m., February 08, 2010

@allin1der Apparently these guys were responsible for the LEDs: http://lil.b27.org/halftimeleds 1:16 a.m., February 08, 2010

@invadered7 Thanks for answering my unwritten question re: the LEDs! 1:08 a.m., February 08, 2010

Last night's dream: I saw Coretta Scott King slipping out of an MLK movie, weary of the celebrations and veneration and names taken in vain. 5:18 p.m., February 06, 2010

Last night's outing was more than passing strange, made of swirling water vapor, laughter, alcohol, sugar, jinxes, judo threats... 5:01 p.m., February 06, 2010

Saw the propane truck parked behind Bed Bath & Beyond, blinkers on, fully loaded, its driver out in the rain, leaning on the culvert fence. 3:18 p.m., February 05, 2010

This morning, the vending machine demonstrated an eerie inbuilt intelligence, nudging a stuck soda just enough to dislodge it. 5:04 p.m., February 04, 2010

@metroidbaby I've dreamed of glitter clarinets before, but I don't know that they actually exist. They should, though, neh? 8:00 p.m., February 03, 2010

RIP Ultralove Ninja, 2002–10: The font that defined an era. http://lil.b27.org/satvc http://lil.b27.org/zkenn 7:42 p.m., February 03, 2010

Last night's dream: I inherited one of those clear Buffet clarinets. (http://lil.b27.org/hrvht) Pro tip: They're really hard to keep clean! 1:43 p.m., February 03, 2010

@yeahlikethat: That's a pretty common highlighter scent, in my experience. 11:23 p.m., February 01, 2010

PR subject line of the day: "Start Your Marriage Amid the Romance of Scrub Island Resort." Romance, huh? "Psh, that island's for scrubs." 8:31 p.m., February 01, 2010

Last night's other dream: I saw @mathowie's sekrit side-scrolling MeFi back-end—all magenta, with spam in purple text, legit posts in blue. 4:21 p.m., January 31, 2010

Last night's dream: I was taken to a valley, where I was forced to shoot my teammates, then harvest their glowing skeletons from the lake. 4:04 p.m., January 31, 2010

Upon searching for "Yo Aquarius!" I found this: http://lil.b27.org/rzdnz Yes, the Aquarian in my life does wear sweatpants fairly often! 7:14 p.m., January 30, 2010

Misread my own "Yay Aquarius!" message as "Yo Aquarius!" 8:44 a.m., January 30, 2010

Tonight, East St. Louis smelled like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. 8:35 a.m., January 30, 2010

@k1mothy And the rim shots! 1:50 a.m., January 29, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I awoke with Mariah Carey's "Vision of Love" in my head—pretty apropos, actually. http://lil.b27.org/gcnuk 1:04 p.m., January 27, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Glad my mom ignored the guy who told her not to take that exit. But then, it seemed like she knew it was there. 12:57 p.m., January 27, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I tried to get a picture, but instead got snow on my camera as the window rolled down. But @k1mothy got the shot. 12:41 p.m., January 27, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Rows of trucks, some tilted, some with LED billboards still shining out Coca-Cola ads, all covered in snow. 12:39 p.m., January 27, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: It was in the far parking lot of an old Famous-Barr, but all you could see from the road at first were trucks. 12:35 p.m., January 27, 2010

Last night's dream: Out Hwy. 47 in Kansas, between Disneyland and the $400/night hotel with Jacuzzis, we saw the tractor-trailer graveyard. 12:34 p.m., January 27, 2010

@yeahlikethat: I have definitely experienced both drunken and dream language-fluency improvement. 12:02 a.m., January 26, 2010

"Ah yes, Imaginary Conversations With Frustrating People. 'Tis a genre I know well." 2:06 p.m., January 25, 2010

Dear Jenya: What's with all this "Hey, why do not you write? You forgot about me?" stuff? Like I need guilt from spammers, too? 6:54 p.m., January 23, 2010

Dear Spammer: Roentgen units and tracheotomies are not a turn-on. 4:53 p.m., January 23, 2010

Last night's dream: As the mud rolled near, I dug up muck with a big spoon—and it grew into my own ball of sentient attack mud, Drorograar! 1:59 p.m., January 21, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: The teens were fixed within the clear ice, solidly embracing. "Are they dead?" I wondered. "Or just...suspended?" 4:11 a.m., January 19, 2010

Last night's dream: Security was tight vs. infiltrators—but that didn't stop two of our teens from plunging into the compound's frozen pool. 3:59 a.m., January 19, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: "It's not fair," I said, "to tell @jessamyn that when she's trying to stay up there all night." He did anyway. 2:26 p.m., January 16, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: I was at @jessamyn's 'cause I was visiting Vermont. I expressed my doubts about the friend's idea. 2:21 p.m., January 16, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: Alas, the old friend manning @jessamyn's house thought he should profess his undying love for her. 2:16 p.m., January 16, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: So @jessamyn set out to do just that, linked to her house by long-range walkie-talkie for safety. 2:02 p.m., January 16, 2010

Last night's dream: @jessamyn realized she'd never slept in a tree, blankets cradled by branches—especially not in midwinter. 1:59 p.m., January 16, 2010

Last night's dream, cont.: "They're no good at math, but you don't really need that," said the vendor. "You just need something that works." 3:54 p.m., January 15, 2010

Last night's dream: En route to dinner, my brother and I met a street vendor selling steampunk computers made of repurposed wood and Lucite. 3:49 p.m., January 15, 2010

Today feels like spring 2001 or 2002. 3:37 p.m., January 15, 2010

This would explain a lot. http://lil.b27.org/iaghn 3:06 p.m., January 15, 2010

Last night's dream: I took a wrong turn on a dark California highway and ended up in Louisiana as Calista Flockhart, wearing a chicken suit. 1:26 p.m., January 14, 2010

Night before last's dream, cont.: He clamped a lizard statuette's mouth between my thumb and forefinger and took away a triangle of flesh. 1:23 p.m., January 14, 2010

Night before last's dream: An old roommate clamped her hand onto my head. "¡Tienes mi cabeza!" I cried. Our tour guide seemed nonplussed. 1:20 p.m., January 14, 2010

@anildash: Done. Hopefully they'll approve the comment! 2:33 a.m., January 14, 2010

@anildash: I found a typo: "If The White House is sending me a Tweet, I need to know that it’s going to a trusted government resources." 1:37 a.m., January 14, 2010

Misread: "Thousands Dead in Hell." A.k.a. Haiti. 3:07 p.m., January 13, 2010

"There's no end in envy." 2:55 p.m., January 13, 2010

This woman may live in a padded cell. But she still has access to her online banking! http://lil.b27.org/bacscan 2:11 a.m., January 11, 2010

As High Priestess of the Hothouse, Keeper of the Warm Column of Air, I beseech thee, Wind: Go forth, and chafe our skin no more. 6:41 p.m., January 10, 2010

Many establishments are not posting a message at this time. http://lil.b27.org/txdro 11:57 p.m., January 09, 2010

Headlights placed too close together resemble spider eyes at night. I'm looking at you, late-'90s Saturn SL. 3:19 p.m., January 09, 2010

εμείς εβδομαδιαία, 454 B.C.: "The gods are just like us!" 3:11 p.m., January 09, 2010

Misread mensderbycoalition.com as murderbycoalition.com. 3:01 p.m., January 09, 2010

@sambosambo: Now with genuine 1985 chicken, delivered by DeLorean. 2:59 p.m., January 09, 2010

I dreamed of a dish called delirium chicken. It appears only online drug merchants carry such curries. http://lil.b27.org/zmbpk 1:29 p.m., January 09, 2010

@mathowie: Oo, synchronicity. I just finished copy-editing an article re: one of Capt. Sully's passengers. 6:09 p.m., January 08, 2010

Oh, the alluring glitter of salt before the storm. Where are you now, salt? 5:11 p.m., January 08, 2010

@sambosambo: Are you only including days out in the open air of the world? Or does gestation count? 1:17 p.m., January 08, 2010

I very nearly tried to open a Corelle bowl with my can opener. Let us not do this, milady. 1:35 a.m., January 06, 2010

The sliver of window visible from my desk: retail desert, framed by cacti-like evergreens. 7:18 p.m., January 04, 2010

Ah, look at all these superstitious capitalists, getting to work on time today. The parking lot's packed. 3:50 p.m., January 04, 2010

Misread "misogynist" as "Misigoth." ("That's Ms. Igoth to you.") 8:57 p.m., January 02, 2010

@netaustin: Envy, that's what this is. I'd forgotten the word. God spede you! 6:41 p.m., January 02, 2010

"Dear Cellphone: This is a salutation. Not a salutathon—although that sounds like fun, too. Hope things are OK in there. Love, Your Owner" 7:08 p.m., January 01, 2010

The fact that this is the website of the accrediting body for journalism schools says a lot: http://www2.ku.edu/~acejmc/ 12:16 a.m., December 31, 2009

Last night's dream: Some who shoulda been there weren't. Some who shouldn'ta been there were. And "marriage by surrogate" isn't even legal! 1:25 p.m., December 30, 2009

"Mmm...Richard Strauss' opera 'Salome.'" 7:05 p.m., December 29, 2009

@sambosambo: Actually, that's how the word was once (though no longer) trademarked. See: http://lil.b27.org/teleprompter 4:28 p.m., December 29, 2009

Last night's dream, cont.: Our friends scattered all over the continent, forming small enclaves of artists, technologists, and resisters. 1:30 p.m., December 28, 2009

Last night's dream, cont.: They'd created their own worst enemy. My roommate would become an underground folk hero—and ultimately president. 1:23 p.m., December 28, 2009

Last night's dream, cont.: A work crew had been assigned to tar over my dorm room. When my roommate stood her ground, she was assaulted. 1:19 p.m., December 28, 2009

Last night's dream, cont.: The students did so, and forever changed their evolutionary path. Alas, I should've known there'd be reprisal... 1:14 p.m., December 28, 2009

Last night's dream, cont.: Instead, I told those ascending the hallowed stairs, they should sacrifice the bulldogs, that they might live. 1:12 p.m., December 28, 2009

Last night's dream: I warned the students that their ritual university graduation dance would end in being forced to eat something noxious. 1:10 p.m., December 28, 2009

Last night's dream: It was a glass-walled, beachfront life in publishing...until the kindergarten where I was writing a story caught fire. 3:27 p.m., December 27, 2009

"This episode is about boys teaching boys how to fight other boys. Oh, and sitting shiva." 2:58 a.m., December 27, 2009

Last night's dream: My fortune said "In 2011, November 11 correlates with a map of your happiness." 3:01 p.m., December 26, 2009

Separated at birth: Aldo Nova's "Fantasy" and Jefferson Starship's "Jane." 12:10 a.m., December 25, 2009

Spotted last night on the new I-64: A woman wearing a fur coat and driving a Porsche Boxster throwing trash out the window. 12:04 a.m., December 23, 2009

Fo' reals, yo? | RT @NeimanLab The Onion A.V. Club uses paragraphs, numbers and lists to make long-form content palatable online. 10:17 p.m., December 23, 2009

Last night's dream: In the future, people are tinting their car windows with DIY chrome paint—and querying AskMeFi re: how to do it better. 2:00 p.m., December 23, 2009

@gatewaygroupie: Going to work today 'cause staying home would freak me out. http://lil.b27.org/jkgqx 1:58 p.m., December 23, 2009

"The ring appeared to be melting into my skin—or was my skin melting into the ring? I screamed and blacked out." 11:27 p.m., December 20, 2009

Seen yesterday on the Loop: Two guys bumping around in an inflatable, neon pink–and–purple cube with many flailing arms, going "Graaar!" 2:34 p.m., December 20, 2009

Night before last's dream, cont.: And then he told me he'd waited all these decades just to find someone like me. 6:19 p.m., December 19, 2009

Night before last's dream, cont.: He also showed me a succession of images of Delmar Boulevard, turning from dirt roads to paved streets. 6:17 p.m., December 19, 2009

Night before last's dream, cont.: He then pushed images into my mind of himself as a clerk, wearing a visor and pin-striped black waistcoat. 6:15 p.m., December 19, 2009

Night before last's dream: My fiancé revealed a secret to me: He's an old soul who inhabited a dying body in 1916 and never aged. 6:11 p.m., December 19, 2009

@twitter: Why does Twitter's https login page now lead to a non-https homepage? 2:16 a.m., December 18, 2009

Nothing says "What do I do with this?" quite like the gift of chain belts and lingerie from one's grandmother. 12:08 a.m., December 16, 2009

"Psh. Go be aghast." 8:12 p.m., December 14, 2009

@kistaro: Is that a Lucite or tombstone, like they get in finance for closing a big deal? 7:51 p.m., December 11, 2009

On the way in this morning, I saw the metal Eager Road sign at the bottom of I-170 bending 90 degrees in the wind. 3:05 p.m., December 09, 2009

@k1mothy: I also dreamed about oversleeping! And of course, just as I'd resigned myself to waking up at 9 a.m., my 6:30 a.m. alarm went off. 3:24 a.m., December 09, 2009

Last night's dream: Some friends decided to borrow a girl's car and take it—and me—on a joyride into the stepped fields of New China. 1:15 p.m., December 08, 2009

Cute: When a knee boots–wearing female coworker sings "Psycho Killer." Eerie: When a guy you've just met does the same thing later that day. 7:21 p.m., December 07, 2009

"That's better than most humans. You pass." —A checker at Dierbergs, in response to my actually reading the "green button for credit" sign 7:05 p.m., December 07, 2009

They climb the spiral / like little scrabbling black ants / or iron filings. 5:02 p.m., December 07, 2009

Last night's dream: He said there was no way she could do that while playing drums. She sure proved him wrong! 7:30 p.m., December 06, 2009

@sambosambo: Seriously, it sucks we didn't talk about robots—or much of anything else, for that matter! I'm glad we got to meet, though. 4:28 a.m., December 05, 2009

What I'd ask holiday bell ringers, if I weren't so nice: "Got any other songs you can play?" 6:10 p.m., December 04, 2009

Last night's dream: Each person at a wedding I went to had to memorize and sing one line of a long poem. No, I will not make anyone do this. 4:23 p.m., December 04, 2009

From the other room, 30 Rock sounds like a kids' pirate show. 1:08 p.m., December 04, 2009

Last night's dream, cont.: In rage, the Earth brother used his butchery skill against the man he thought harbored the Wind woman's regard. 2:30 p.m., November 29, 2009

Last night's dream, cont.: The clearest way to ensure a Wind child was to marry a Wind woman—but the one he courted spurned his advances. 2:24 p.m., November 29, 2009

Last night's dream, cont.: In one family were two siblings: a Wind sister and an Earth brother. The latter grew to desire a Wind child. 2:21 p.m., November 29, 2009

Last night's dream, cont.: The goal was not to create two separate races or species; in fact, only intermarriage could sustain the group. 2:19 p.m., November 29, 2009

Last night's dream, cont.: The Earths were also advanced, but their contributions were to be more mundane. They learned practical home arts. 2:14 p.m., November 29, 2009

Last night's dream, cont.: The Winds did rigorous training—kayaking on stormy seas, combat, song, Socratics—to take their abilities highest. 2:12 p.m., November 29, 2009

Last night's dream, cont.: Soon, the children began to differentiate. Some became Winds, others Earths, depending on their natures. 2:08 p.m., November 29, 2009

Last night's dream: A group of children was incubated like chicks, with grow-lights in their classrooms, to be more advanced than others. 2:07 p.m., November 29, 2009

"Conveniently enough, someone on this TV show has a helicopter. We're saved!" 3:27 a.m., November 27, 2009

iTunes doesn't even have my play counts from 2006—I razed and rebuilt my library in 2008—but it's somehow captured the essence of that time. 1:32 a.m., November 26, 2009

I caught the opening strains of OK Go's "Invincible" walking past Racanelli's and felt like I was hearing something out of a past life. 12:49 a.m., November 26, 2009

Last night's dream: "Huh. There sure are a lot of books of creepy ghost stories in this library." [upon waking] "Oh. Right. Mental library." 1:07 p.m., November 24, 2009

Night before last's dream: As I walked alone on a dark country road, a figure gave chase. One house, two houses: No one heeded my cries. 1:07 p.m., November 24, 2009

A pictorial quiz: Splattered rose or disembodied heart? http://lil.b27.org/nynhl 11:59 p.m., November 22, 2009

"Media mogul Oprah Winfrey will end her daytime talk show—" Yay! I thought. "—as she prepares to start a cable channel of her own." Aw, man. 12:53 a.m., November 20, 2009

No, Microsoft Word, "Carbondale" isn't a good replacement for "Carondelet." 3:55 p.m., November 19, 2009

Ghosts smell like an old steam vaporizer. 3:02 p.m., November 19, 2009

An auditory quiz: A wet car squealing tires, or as if millions of tiny birds suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced? 1:11 p.m., November 19, 2009

Lessons Learned in My Dreams, Pt. 2: Seriously, you can't do paperwork in your dreams, no matter how hard—or how many times—you try. 1:07 p.m., November 19, 2009

Lessons Learned in My Dreams, Pt. 1: "Huh, I have some free time. Maybe I can knock out some of this work" doesn't work when you're asleep. 1:03 p.m., November 19, 2009

Last night's dream: Aliens came to @k1mothy's family reunion; it was fine. Went outside to make a call and saw two humans abducting a girl. 1:07 p.m., November 18, 2009

Saw this headline—"Time's Tyrangiel named BusinessWeek editor-in-chief"—and immediately thought of the Archangel Tyrael. #diabloii 3:08 a.m., November 18, 2009

Me: Someone in this bathroom must've powdered her butt w/sparkles. They're all over! @k1mothy: Well, glitter is the herpes of arts & crafts. 3:05 a.m., November 18, 2009

Apparently I'm not the only one who's had this thought. http://lil.b27.org/olaty 2:55 a.m., November 18, 2009

Accordian adj. 1. of Accordianism or its teachings. 2. having the ability to go along and get along. 3. [Informal] easygoing. 8:44 p.m., November 13, 2009

Accordian n. 1. a person professing belief in Accordianism. 2. [Informal] a person who just likes to go along and get along. 8:42 p.m., November 13, 2009

Synthetic-pink sky at morning, and it's Friday the 13th. 2:40 p.m., November 13, 2009

If it weren't for @mathowie, I wouldn't've joined Twitter. #mathowielove 1:21 p.m., November 13, 2009

Last night's dream: I took a wrong turn off I-170 and ended up at the ocean—where I went seashell hunting with a toddler. 9:09 p.m., November 12, 2009

I wonder whether my best friends from elementary school know their subdivision's name meant "skull" in Spanish. 1:48 a.m., November 12, 2009

A pictorial quiz: MoBap logo or Imperial stormtrooper helmet? http://lil.b27.org/rydib 1:31 p.m., November 11, 2009

Al fin de last night's dream, I walked toward a chain-link fence. When I reached it, I'd get to put my pants on. Instead, my alarm went off. 1:21 p.m., November 11, 2009

Last night's dream: My workplace decided to put out a magazine riddled with punched holes—so many you could see through it. 1:15 p.m., November 11, 2009

Of course my subconscious would translate a movie in period costume into a dream about marching band. 1:32 p.m., November 09, 2009

Last night's dream: My workplace had a retreat in Kansas City. Some of us had to catch a train home—by running alongside and jumping on. 1:28 a.m., November 09, 2009

Tonight's dinner brought to you by: the Neolithic Revolution. 1:46 a.m., November 08, 2009

Either A. this model's wig is falling off or B. she's about to pop her entire head off, Barbie doll–style. http://lil.b27.org/tqtbu 12:17 a.m., November 08, 2009

Even without setting foot outside, I can tell you: It sounds cold out there. 1:30 p.m., November 05, 2009

Last night's dream: The leader of a band wrote me an intricate cocktail-napkin love letter in not one but two colors of ink, red and black. 1:19 p.m., November 04, 2009

A character study: Jan Anarctica, a heroine eternally besieged by those attempting to correct the spelling of her name. 3:33 p.m., November 03, 2009

Speaking of the Vendetta Society: Think a convict's ever sliced a finger making a license plate, then vowed vengeance on the plate's owner? 2:11 p.m., November 03, 2009

(That last one's more fun if you read it in the proper meter. And once you understand I was part of something called the Vendetta Society.) 1:11 p.m., November 03, 2009

Last night's dream, courtesy of Taxi Driver–induced PTSD: I had to kill my father before he killed me. 1:06 p.m., November 03, 2009

Misheard: "Lowe's: Let's kill something together." 4:09 a.m., November 03, 2009

Misread: "It's my old GroupWife email." As opposed to the rather harmless "It's my old GroupWise email." 3:50 p.m., November 01, 2009

@k1mothy: La Russa. 2:45 a.m., October 30, 2009

"You can email me offline, if you'd like." Um, no, I can't. 4:51 p.m., October 29, 2009

Why QA matters online: Because dude, that's not how you spell his name. http://lil.b27.org/tmpst 3:24 p.m., October 29, 2009

Whirling planaria—a.k.a. the Firefox upgrade icon. 3:08 p.m., October 29, 2009

Yesterday, the postwoman walked in on a wave of freshly cut grass and rain. Today just smells singed. 9:40 p.m., October 27, 2009

Last night's dream: Mesmerized by transdimensionally returned lost childhood toys, I nearly failed to notice the descending circular saws. 12:38 p.m., October 27, 2009

Driving home, I saw a large sedan with baby-blue New Jersey plates, expired six years ago. The driver seemed unconcerned. 11:24 p.m., October 26, 2009

The bed resembles artisan Italian salami: knobbly white outer layer, ruddy interior, à la http://lil.b27.org/uohmw. 2:28 a.m., October 26, 2009

OK, so it's two letters off: "Hie Fidelity" #oneletteroffmovies #twolettersoffmovies 2:14 p.m., October 24, 2009

Also in last night's dream: The woods-dwellers sent spies to our camp, even as we sought to conscript the water-dwellers into service. 12:27 p.m., October 23, 2009

Last night's dream: Chem students at my old high school were using centrifuges as a precursor to genomic research. 12:19 p.m., October 23, 2009

The ring is very nice—but it was the rubber-band hearts that got me. 12:47 p.m., October 22, 2009

Aw. "KIK VEGTRN ROLL" doesn't look nearly as cool as "CUCAVOROLL" on the receipt, @WholeFoods. 6:03 p.m., October 21, 2009

It's a typo, but I love the way it sounds spoken: Chcagoan. Shka'-gwen. 3:57 p.m., October 21, 2009

"tl;dr, especially after some fl. dr." 7:52 p.m., October 19, 2009

A pictorial quiz: Texas longhorn or ovaries? http://lil.b27.org/urqpk 7:21 p.m., October 19, 2009

If I never see another music-review headline including the phrase "gets by with a little help from his friends," it'll be too soon. 3:44 p.m., October 19, 2009

It's perspective-altering to actually experience life amid the architectural innovations I write about at work. 4:00 a.m., October 17, 2009

We got a super-early airline text saying my flight was on time—then no more updates 'til departure'd slid two hours into oblivion. Awesome. 3:53 a.m., October 16, 2009

@aushuanogamy: Heh. Well, no worries. That's actually what I wanted to hear, not currently being in possession of a turntable myself. 12:49 p.m., October 13, 2009

Last night's dream: Bought a tiny robot bird on impulse, only to realize 1. it cost $114 and 2. purchase was a contract to take care of it. 12:46 p.m., October 12, 2009

Amazon.com product of the day: "Funny Umbrella Golf Fishing Costume Party Sun Shade Hat." http://lil.b27.org/trass 12:43 a.m., October 12, 2009

"Limeonaire? More like slimeonaire, amirite?" 6:41 p.m., October 11, 2009

Actually, the "postprandial comma" would be a great cupcake design. (Have I been spending time on Etsy or what?) 3:27 p.m., October 11, 2009

@BitterOldPunk: I just misread your tweet as "Postprandial comma strikes." Am I an editor or what? 3:25 p.m., October 11, 2009

Last night's dream was like "Do the Right Thing," only set in a stadium. Also, there was a rabid turtle. 1:43 a.m., October 11, 2009

I don't know Steven S. Dallas, but he was right: "Absolut Citron and Gatorade. Mmm electrolytes." 2:33 a.m., October 10, 2009

Just got an email from He-Hellen5003. Is this one of your friends, @RobotJames? 2:27 p.m., October 09, 2009

Another sign my internal narration's off: Upon hearing a dream crowd sing "America the Beautiful," I cried at the, ah, beauty of it all. 1:01 p.m., October 08, 2009

The last words heard in my dream, as I awoke into the dark morning: "Gratification is fine." Thanks a lot, internal narrator. 12:56 p.m., October 08, 2009

Best publisher (and football coach) name ever: Chip Wisdom. http://lil.b27.org/ghfcs 6:42 p.m., October 06, 2009

Spam email headline of the day: "Legal Expert Tells How to Keep Big Gifts Safe From Seizure." I always thought Dilantin was ideal, myself. 2:28 p.m., October 06, 2009

@aushuanogamy: Is the “No Harm Done” EP on vinyl or CD? I couldn't tell! (I heard the eponymous song on @KDHX and loved it. Welcome to STL!) 2:12 p.m., October 06, 2009

"Congratulations on the hooks!" 1:55 p.m., October 06, 2009

The raindrops fell polka-dot this morning. 1:41 p.m., October 06, 2009

Apparently it was Crayola that decided it was a good idea to encourage kids to eat crayons. As seen at Walgreens: http://lil.b27.org/ozoyk 11:25 p.m., October 04, 2009

Did I mention I ran over a rake the other day? 10:47 p.m., October 01, 2009

First thought: Who decided it was a good idea to encourage kids to eat crayons? (Website's good, though.) http://lil.b27.org/nfpzs 10:46 p.m., October 01, 2009

When I got home, I saw a guy wearing a sedge hat standing on the sidewalk, staring intently at his PDA. 10:40 p.m., October 01, 2009

The Metagram sees all. http://lil.b27.org/cpiyg 3:41 p.m., October 01, 2009

We all know about the Orbit Gum girl, but what about the Obit Gum girl? Gotta give her props—it's hard to sell people on summat so deadly. 12:38 a.m., October 01, 2009

@yeahlikethat: That sums up why I'm in this field. I get a free pass into whatever realm I can convince someone to let me write about. 9:58 p.m., September 30, 2009

Skypesters or sky-pesters? Technocrats or gnats? 4:25 p.m., September 29, 2009

Lessons Learned in My Dreams, Pt. 3: This one's for mamas: Don't take your babies on the lazy river. I saved two in a row from drowning. 2:44 p.m., September 27, 2009

Lessons Learned in My Dreams, Pt. 2: Don't go to Antarctica. But if you do, know it's OK to take seven boxes of gear—but not a full dresser. 2:41 p.m., September 27, 2009

Lessons Learned in My Dreams, Pt. 1: Cellphones save lives. I fell through the Antarctic ice—and was only found due to my phone's glow. 2:37 p.m., September 27, 2009

To the owner of the SUV with the magenta flower on the dash: Do you yearn for nature, or is this yet another consumerist frill? 7:25 p.m., September 25, 2009

"How would you like to put your ad right to the screens of millions in minutes?" Yeah! I'm really gonna put it to those screens! 4:42 p.m., September 24, 2009

Virgigian? Virgiggity! 4:16 p.m., September 24, 2009

Page 1 of Google results for "study in synchronicity" claims 5,910 hits. Page 2 (omitted results included) clarifies: There are 17. Bizarre. 6:31 p.m., September 23, 2009

This afternoon smells like pine bark, dusky and sweet. 9:36 p.m., September 22, 2009

This morning smelled like wet matches. 7:25 p.m., September 22, 2009

Look: You're from the future. It's time to start acting like it. 7:18 p.m., September 19, 2009

A tree on the median currently harbors so many birds, it sounds electrified. 11:45 p.m., September 18, 2009

Seeing as we're nearing the Celebrity Death Summer Spectacular's end, dreams where celebrities die oughta have a "celebrity spoiler alert." 2:25 p.m., September 18, 2009

Overthinking a can of beans: The gradients on Brooks labels make the cans appear to bulge, botulism-style. http://lil.b27.org/ixvex 12:35 a.m., September 18, 2009

Are Georgia and Verdana friends? 9:26 p.m., September 17, 2009

"I call this my 'beach Gothic' look." 2:10 p.m., September 16, 2009

Apparently that's my brain's analogy for paying $253 and counting to the people of Amazon Mechanical Turk, à la http://lil.b27.org/vioeh. 1:09 p.m., September 15, 2009

Last night's dream: At a ramshackle kiosk selling White Plains—a top-shelf, $100-a-bottle whiskey—I broke two bottles in rapid succession. 1:00 p.m., September 15, 2009

So now "tomorrow" = "2mar"? You must have a 2mar in your head. 3:35 p.m., September 12, 2009

Why QA matters: Because there's a big difference between "Mulch Lane" and "Candy Lane." 7:31 p.m., September 11, 2009

Almost-off-shift coffee-shop waitress in my dream, forced to serve me: "So how'd you hear about this drink?" Me: "Um...I want a soda?" 1:02 p.m., September 11, 2009

"The speech has gotten longer!" "Five versions circulating!" "They were still working on it this afternoon—late afternoon!" Useless, NBC. 2:19 a.m., September 10, 2009

TV voice-over: "Hardee's Made from Scratch biscuits—now with fried bologna." As we turned to each other in horror, the TV turned itself off. 2:18 a.m., September 10, 2009

This morning's Target total: $7.77. And that's where my luck ended. 12:52 a.m., September 09, 2009

On the odd glance, the Lincoln on the back of the new "rail splitter" 1-cent piece looks like he's gone fishin'. 5:33 p.m., September 08, 2009

Overheard in last night's dream: "Dude, you makin' dinner?" "Yeah...but it needs to ferment like 72 hours." "Naw, man! I'm hungry now!" 12:39 p.m., September 08, 2009

Seen in last night's dream: A plush white tablet, with BACK and NEXT buttons, displaying a series of event invitations—in rapid embroidery. 12:38 p.m., September 08, 2009

Last night's dream: @netaustin decided to build a new operating system, told me I'd need to get two new Eee PCs for testing. OK... 3:09 p.m., September 07, 2009

Woman on Fox 2: "There's gotta be a better way for them to just...just go out and scam people." Me: "Wait, you want 'em to be better at it?" 2:20 a.m., September 07, 2009

Misheard: "Are they all meeces?" 9:07 p.m., September 06, 2009

"Kids, I'd like you to meet somebody. This is your Aunt Endor. Can you say, 'Hi, Aunt Endor'?" "Hi, Aunt Endor." http://lil.b27.org/qqnwn 2:12 a.m., September 06, 2009

@KingOfTheCosmos: But I definitely don't have any unopened cows. 6:25 p.m., September 05, 2009

Not a lot of people can (or would) say they have an unopened lemon. I have two. http://lil.b27.org/vnyas 6:23 p.m., September 05, 2009

RT @jkottke Reporter's telegram to Cary Grant: "HOW OLD CARY GRANT?" Grant's reply: "OLD CARY GRANT FINE. HOW YOU?" http://lil.b27.org/jtzxd 9:09 p.m., September 04, 2009

They call it "The Bird." I always called it the clothespin dance. http://lil.b27.org/eyzki 2:33 p.m., September 04, 2009

@inatube "Listen, all I'm sayin' is..." 2:40 a.m., September 04, 2009

PR subject line of the day: "Celebrate the holiday weedend with us..." Dude—D and K are at opposite ends of the keyboard. 7:45 p.m., September 03, 2009

Last night's dream: My old college roommates left me stranded in France. 9:39 p.m., September 02, 2009

"Quick—universify!" 7:23 p.m., September 02, 2009

PR subject line of the day: "Fall Sincare." Yes...this fall, care for your sin. Cultivate it. Dwell within it. 3:55 p.m., September 02, 2009

Last night's dream: I murdered someone. Pro tip: No one cares whether you feel remorseful about killing. 6:19 p.m., September 01, 2009

The Arkansas license plates on a car parked nearby: "829 HAW." I bet they get made fun of for that. 2:52 a.m., August 30, 2009

Also in last night's dream: Cap'n Crunch Mountain Dew. 4:25 p.m., August 29, 2009

This, despite the fact that earlier on, I flew over Forest Park Parkway, admiring the soft-focus view from above of streetlights in the fog. 4:25 p.m., August 29, 2009

Curled up so tightly as I slept that I dreamed I was hiding first in a washing machine, then behind the dryer. My huntress? Lindsay Lohan. 4:12 p.m., August 29, 2009

RT @dbravman: “We learn one thing from history: It makes us sad.” 2:36 p.m., August 28, 2009

Last night's dream: Lost among high-security pharmacies and highway underpasses, I Sharpied a "Ving Rhames" sign for a barrio marching band. 12:38 p.m., August 27, 2009

Mmm, mistkes. 2:20 a.m., August 27, 2009

Do you think she has a segment about that on her show? "Now let's learn how to take the gigantic sticker off your Martha Stewart cookware!" 10:52 p.m., August 25, 2009

I can't talk, though; according to my fingers, I live in St. Lolius. Laughable. 7:57 p.m., August 24, 2009

Dear Missouri Legislature: Need a copy editor? http://lil.b27.org/kaoqb 7:33 p.m., August 24, 2009

Read the license plate "CA7 B6R" as "cat beer." 2:24 a.m., August 23, 2009

Q: "How is this night different from all other nights?" A: "We're having a PARTY! This is the best night EVER! WOOO!" 2:24 a.m., August 23, 2009

Open-door parties: Because it just isn't happenin' without Elijah. 2:43 a.m., August 22, 2009

Missing: One red-white-and-blue U.S. Bank ATM. Last seen strapped to a small red trailer on the shoulder of I-270 at New Florissant Road. 2:42 a.m., August 22, 2009

"So where'd you go in Kentucky?" "A strip club." http://lil.b27.org/rzjie 2:37 p.m., August 20, 2009

"How'd you invest your money?" "Oh, I put it all in flavored sugar water." 5:17 a.m., August 14, 2009

The suspended compound = one satisfying construct. 3:45 p.m., August 13, 2009

"You may call it a fax, but I'm guessing she'd call it bothering her with pieces of paper." 10:21 p.m., August 12, 2009

Driving home, saw a guy riding a scooter with no helmet. Seconds later, saw a dead squirrel sprawled at the side of the road. Omen? 9:27 p.m., August 12, 2009

I've been invited to check out an "interactive collateral management solution." Sounds like something out of the U.S. Department of Defense. 5:29 p.m., August 11, 2009

"Birobidzhan—where ballpoint pens come from, right?" 3:03 p.m., August 10, 2009

Last night's dream: Ate a fried, stacked stingray sandwich—five little 'uns to a plate—with barbecue sauce (Sweet Baby Ray's?). 12:34 p.m., August 10, 2009

Does this look like choice to you? http://twitpic.com/dcor4 2:22 a.m., August 10, 2009

Teen Choice '09: "The night teens like what we tell them to like!" 2:02 a.m., August 10, 2009

If you've ever wondered why I am the way I am, here's a recent voicemail from my father: "Oop, can't talk now, I'm flying my couch." 9:46 p.m., August 09, 2009

Say this five times fast: "That sucks that she's sick." 8:19 p.m., August 09, 2009

Last night's dream: Apparently Honda Civic keys also work on my coworker's MINI Cooper. What a country! 1:00 p.m., August 06, 2009

Last night's dream: A family friend presented me with a surprise gift: estrogen pills in bulk! 6:41 p.m., August 05, 2009

@jbenton: J-grads need to know practical basics: How to build a website. How to fact-check. How to edit images. How to QUESTION EVERYTHING. 12:58 a.m., August 05, 2009

The poppy-seed bun (http://lil.b27.org/pozng) sure does go a long way toward making a Big Mac resemble real food. Me: "That's McDonald's?" 12:41 a.m., August 05, 2009

@jbenton: Love it. That naming scheme is so late-'90s grad-student computer lab. Brings back fond memories of summer research! 11:34 p.m., August 03, 2009

Last night's dream: Sayid (http://lil.b27.org/dipwu) showed me the way out the window. The wall-climbing, however, I did myself. Escape! 2:39 a.m., August 02, 2009

"In a hundred subtle ways, the Internet sends you a message: you could do more; you should try harder." http://lil.b27.org/epqyx 1:03 p.m., July 31, 2009

Saw a bench at the mall it looked like someone had literally dropped acid on; one leg'd rusted to the point it no longer touched the ground. 10:49 p.m., July 30, 2009

@keaggy: I saw a couple grocery lists when I was dog-sitting last week; wasn't sure you still collected them. Next time I'll save 'em! 5:34 p.m., July 30, 2009

Misread: "I have never been frozen fresh seafood." 9:41 p.m., July 29, 2009

Misread: "Interests: Arguing with shrimp." 8:36 p.m., July 29, 2009

Pointed out to a kid in my dream: "A wood-bound book of incantations and spells, huh? That's hardwood, right? So it burns clean and fast..." 12:43 p.m., July 29, 2009

Surprisingly, there are no Google results for "How to Lie With Grammar." 2:34 p.m., July 27, 2009

Misread: "We look forward to being you." Horrifyingly enough, this phrase actually appears in some 1.6 million Google results. 2:31 p.m., July 27, 2009

Making full use of predictive text requires trust. You abuse my trust, cellphone, when you replace "condescendingly" with "conferbendingky." 1:00 a.m., July 24, 2009

Overheard on KDHX: "When you get high enough, it's mostly cloudy—but you knew that." 10:50 p.m., July 23, 2009

The Economist: Modern economic theory never looked so (toxically) delicious. http://tinyurl.com/m6wwer 10:49 p.m., July 23, 2009

No, Microsoft Word, I didn't mean "alone-size-fits-all," though I'm aware that phrase sort of comes true if one wears Lycra a bit too often. 9:38 p.m., July 23, 2009

Yes, that's exactly what puts me in the mood for the holidays, @MaxBorgesAgency: the specter of robot supremacy. http://tinyurl.com/nj6qxr 6:31 p.m., July 23, 2009

PC World email subject: "Why is my PC so slow?" Perhaps it wouldn't be, @pcworld, if you didn't send out so much unsolicited junk mail. 5:55 p.m., July 23, 2009

To create: An Encyclopedia of Fails. Thanks for the idea, Ms. Avril Aqinewix. 2:16 a.m., July 20, 2009

My #mefi10 shirt's long lines require a subtle bit of creasing 'bout the waist, after the style of self-conscious high-school fútbolistas. 3:44 p.m., July 18, 2009

MetaFilter works 'cause it provides for every type of geek. Esp. the type of geek who notices this'll be tweet No. 456. Yay numbers! #mefi10 3:33 p.m., July 18, 2009

"And now...the Celebrity Death Summer Spectacular rolls on. Right here...on FOX." 1:13 a.m., July 18, 2009

I like the way @WholeFoods lists the sushi I eat on the receipt: "CUCAVOROLL." I am a cucavore! I eat cucumber and avocado! Rawr! 7:39 p.m., July 17, 2009

If I'm "Dear Press Contact," what does that make you? "Dear Marketing Spammer..." 6:34 p.m., July 17, 2009

"Everything in its due time, or your time is up." 8:14 p.m., July 16, 2009

Or maybe mu tau. What's the universe trying to tell me? It's moot; unanswerable. 8:57 p.m., July 15, 2009

I tried to create a TinyURL to reach the original text. It doesn't work, but I still like it: http://tinyurl.com/mewtau The Tao of Mew? 8:50 p.m., July 15, 2009

Misread: "The QuackDrive reps would like to show off their new screw. It's a stainless steal!" Sounds like Flintheart Glomgold! 8:48 p.m., July 15, 2009

Let the embarrassment abate. 5:14 p.m., July 15, 2009

"'Bout as exciting as buying some grass seed." 9:55 p.m., July 13, 2009

Last night's dream: Apparently everyone but me already knew that you could buy, er, natural drugs at your local TrueValue Hardware. 3:20 a.m., July 11, 2009

A pictorial quiz: Kathleen Hall Jamieson or Trent Lott? 2:59 a.m., July 11, 2009

Scenes from All-Star weekend: Delmar Boulevard. Guy in white wifebeater sits behind his car's open trunk, holding and staring at spare tire. 10:41 p.m., July 10, 2009

Scenes from All-Star weekend: I-170 and Eager Road. Small plane flies overhead, towing a navy-blue sign bearing two words: "Pepsi Max." 10:34 p.m., July 10, 2009

Another example of why QA matters online: "drugs" and "no drugs" are very different, especially in a headline. http://tinyurl.com/nh2mop 4:49 p.m., July 10, 2009

Misread bumper sticker in morning traffic: "BINGE." On second glance: "BINGO." 1:43 p.m., July 10, 2009

Accomplishment of the week: Beating a 10-year-old at one-on-one. 12:47 p.m., July 09, 2009

Bad email address: sue@yourcompany.com. Even if that is your name. 2:41 p.m., July 08, 2009

Dear Microsoft Word: When I type "Here," I don't mean "there"—especially not at the beginning of a sentence. 10:33 p.m., July 07, 2009

"The Web prepares today for live coverage of the Michael Jackson memorial event." Uh-oh! I didn't prepare, @minonline. I'm bad at the Web! 6:57 p.m., July 07, 2009

Seen on Target.com: the "Andis Tourmaline Ironic Ceramic Hair Dryer." 8:40 p.m., July 05, 2009

"Without a doubt, one of the hottest trends right now is eyelashes." Yay! I have some of those! (Usually. When the hair dryer's behaving.) 4:25 p.m., July 02, 2009

However bad your day may be at this point, consider this: At least your hair dryer didn't shoot green flames at you this morning. 1:52 p.m., July 02, 2009

@king_kaufman: I'm an opponent of plate tectonics. 5:58 p.m., July 01, 2009

That's the nurse I'd want my kids to have—the one chain-smoking and pacing the parking lot on her cellphone. 7:43 p.m., June 29, 2009

Since when is wanting something worth a headline? I want a pony; doesn't mean there should be a story about it. http://tinyurl.com/nn38ys 2:59 p.m., June 29, 2009

Lessons Learned in My Dreams, Pt. 4: Don't be (or even pretend to be) a spy in the Middle East. 2:22 p.m., June 29, 2009

Lessons Learned in My Dreams, Pt. 3: If a game gives you the ability to burn things with your mind, stop playing. No good can come of this. 5:15 p.m., June 27, 2009

Lessons Learned in My Dreams, Pt. 2: That card game the previous tenant left behind in the closet? It's almost certainly evil. 5:13 p.m., June 27, 2009

Lessons Learned in My Dreams, Pt. 1: Don't let the friendly squirrel live in your apartment. You'll come to regret it. 5:10 p.m., June 27, 2009

It's like a bad joke: "How many journalists does it take to calculate a percentage?" Except it actually happened. (It took three of us.) 8:25 p.m., June 25, 2009

Last night's (geeky) dream: Met a bunch of glasses-wearing copy-editors; decided to join ACES; took part in a scrap-metal physics contest. 12:41 p.m., June 25, 2009

As hard as it may be to believe, as early as 100 years ago people's retinas possessed both rods and cones. Who knew? http://tinyurl.com/9e1i 3:31 a.m., June 25, 2009

Your company's name is Hurt & Proffitt. Are you sure the recession is the cause of your problems? Just sayin'... 2:32 a.m., June 25, 2009

"MacBook Air continues to redefine what's possible"—if by "redefine" you mean "limit the functionality people can reasonably expect." 6:29 p.m., June 24, 2009

Again, for those who don't think QA matters: http://tinyurl.com/nuufss and http://twitpic.com/4v31v 12:34 a.m., June 23, 2009

To do: Use SeisMac to calculate the relationship between the heaviness of coworkers' footfalls and the frequency with which I sneeze. 12:11 a.m., June 23, 2009

That the curb near the entrance to the McDonald's drive-thru is constellated with blackened gum probably says something about the customers. 3:10 p.m., June 22, 2009

Considering time with my parents is like vetting an alien species: "Ehh, clearly they're not ready for human contact. We'll try back later." 12:40 p.m., June 22, 2009

Separated at birth: They Might Be Giants' "Birdhouse in Your Soul" and The Zombies' "Butcher's Tale." 2:48 p.m., June 20, 2009

A black-winged, green-bodied damselfly followed me through Target today. 3:21 a.m., June 20, 2009

The second I stepped into my editor's (empty) office, the phone started ringing. Spooky. 6:56 p.m., June 19, 2009

The postman at work: "BLEH! I get so tired of talking about the weather all day!" 3:21 a.m., June 19, 2009

Hating of the day: People who use the "re:" trick to get me to open their emails. I'm talking to you, David Plouffe. 8:25 p.m., June 18, 2009

One of the most important lessons I've learned (as an editor, as a lover, etc.) is how to forget. 3:42 p.m., June 18, 2009

Just so you know, arming your website with a popup video called "dashit.wmv" doesn't make me like your band better. But thanks for trying. 9:22 p.m., June 17, 2009

"A drink in the hand is worth two in the hand." 8:51 p.m., June 16, 2009

Ah, the Great Name Tag Debate of 2008. Or was it the Nametag Debate? @mhalvey 3:51 p.m., June 16, 2009

Also in last night's dream: I helped someone catch a tiny, just-hatched chick that'd gotten loose in our gymnasium sleeping quarters. 3:27 p.m., June 14, 2009

Last night's dream: I was in a footrace with a knife-throwing component. Did fine, but missed the start of the race the second day. Sigh. 3:21 p.m., June 14, 2009

If it's on the Internet, but nothing links to it, does it exist? 4:02 p.m., June 11, 2009

@billchott Themprov? That's what those other guys do. 7:31 p.m., June 10, 2009

Did Firefox just flash a tooltip at me saying "Eat access key"? Or was I hallucinating again? 8:25 p.m., June 09, 2009

To create: A Facebook group simply called "Your Baby Scares Me." (My apologies in advance to those whose babies don't actually scare me.) 2:24 a.m., June 09, 2009

"Complaint on you!" Is that like "shame on you" for the post-ethics era? 5:52 p.m., June 07, 2009

Apparently "eTxans report seeing UFO." To learn more, I can read syllabogram.rtf, whence cometh the curse of the Maya. 5:37 p.m., June 07, 2009

Got a message from someone called endothecium (a pollen-bearing pod person, presumably). 5:35 p.m., June 07, 2009

Saw the first two fireflies of the season. 4:07 p.m., June 06, 2009

"The city was full of hope." And zeppelins, apparently. #Earth2100 3:17 a.m., June 03, 2009

Misread "depression assistance program" as "depression abstinence program." What would the latter be? 10:41 p.m., May 30, 2009

Threw on some all-black. 3:24 p.m., May 29, 2009

Psh. I bet they don't recognize the local chapter of the Unicorns' Union, either. 9:29 p.m., May 28, 2009

Misread: "Lumière stops recognizing warring unicorns." 9:28 p.m., May 28, 2009

The worst gift, though, was the bowl of mashed potatoes and piss gravy an old college friend gave me. 12:41 p.m., May 27, 2009

My dream gift from @k1mothy: A jar containing a dead, deformed goldfish found on the street, pickled in oil. 12:36 p.m., May 27, 2009

Oh God, now the marketing pods have found me. 3:09 p.m., May 26, 2009

"E-mail marketing is a great tool for generating new business." But not in three sizes of neon Comic Sans with a broken JavaScript header. 2:26 p.m., May 26, 2009

"At Jeep...we build tanning booths." This is supposed to make me trust you with my life? 2:35 a.m., May 26, 2009

What the girl in that commercial should've said: "I love my life. I'm not going to mess it up by breaking my neck on a trampoline." 2:34 a.m., May 26, 2009

"I turned off the candles." 9:29 p.m., May 24, 2009

This afternoon smelled like swimming pools. 1:38 a.m., May 23, 2009

It's good luck to catch and release a bit of fluff. But what does it mean if the fluff veers straight at your neck before you can catch it? 3:06 a.m., May 20, 2009

The problem with freelance writers resembles the problem with wayward members of the clergy—too often, the bad ones are just passed along. 12:56 a.m., May 20, 2009

"Divert thousands of fresh new visitors daily to your website"—then trap them, kill them, and strip them of their delicious flesh. 6:22 p.m., May 18, 2009

Was it the unmicrowaved pork, freezer-burned pie, can of olives plus two beers, or inhaled pond scum? Makes me feel sick just remembering. 7:12 p.m., May 17, 2009

Life Lessons Learned in My Dreams, Pt. 5: Apparently it's possible to swim and talk on one's cellphone at the same time. 4:43 p.m., May 17, 2009

It's confirmed: I am in fact smarter than fish. 2:13 a.m., May 17, 2009

Saw ghostly lights in the park the other night, had a "This is finally it!" moment—then realized it was just some kids with LED hula hoops. 10:31 p.m., May 15, 2009

KSDK NewsChannel 5 expert: "We have bears, they're here, they're reproducing, there are going to be more bears." 3:38 a.m., May 15, 2009

"Hi, I'm being eaten alive by crocodiles. Can you drive me to Barnes? Call me back. Bye." 3:28 a.m., May 15, 2009

@HotAmishChick: I just ate some Amish Friendship Bread. If I'd invented it, I'd probably have called it Amish Foreplay Bread. 2:29 p.m., May 14, 2009

Just opened a document in which both instances of "furnishings" had been find-replaced with "furnishiings." Awesomme. I mean, awesome. 9:55 p.m., May 12, 2009

The goal of any good radio DJ should be to make you late to work. 1:49 p.m., May 12, 2009

Life Lessons Learned in My Dreams, Pt. 4: Be patient and eventually all your old crushes will send you platonic letters and boxes of books. 12:34 p.m., May 12, 2009

Life Lessons Learned in My Dreams, Pt. 3: You should always get your work "adult-checked" (whatever that means) before coming to class. 12:30 p.m., May 12, 2009

Life Lessons Learned in My Dreams, Pt. 2: Butcher cases aren't appropriate places for babies. 12:29 p.m., May 12, 2009

Life Lessons Learned in My Dreams, Pt. 1: People like you better if you wear a skirt (and no shirt). 12:29 p.m., May 12, 2009

"If I have to watch you write your signature in slow motion, can it at least be on a contract exempting me from ever having to do it again?" 9:33 p.m., May 11, 2009

A.k.a. "free" aquarium software that you have to fill in personal information to download. As if they weren't tracking me already. 3:54 p.m., May 10, 2009

Huh. Right after reading about setting up a fish tank, I got an email from Smith Micro about their "Aquazone Seven Seas" digital aquarium. 3:16 p.m., May 10, 2009

"When I first told my friends I wanted to be a mental assistant, they laughed—as well they should have." 11:46 p.m., May 06, 2009

"I know you think I care about your birthday, but I really just care about the calendar." 4:38 p.m., May 06, 2009

RIP, Marilyn French. 1:41 a.m., May 06, 2009

Got stuck in traffic behind a car with the Devil's number. At the next light, the car in front of me had a †CLERGY† bumper sticker. 11:10 p.m., May 05, 2009

Pondered torching the fro-yo place on the Loop. Seconds later, a guy hurried by carrying two canisters of auto fluid. Sadly, he didn't stop. 4:08 a.m., May 05, 2009

Why they like me: "She has hate in her heart!" 2:16 p.m., May 04, 2009

Heard a mysterious popping sound, like a tiny frog clambering over bubble wrap. Gunfire? 3:22 a.m., May 04, 2009

"A girl who cared nothing for public opinion! Over whom sacred family ties had no restraining influence! Who hated her childhood memories!" 6:56 p.m., May 03, 2009

Have you checked your voicemeeces today? 5:42 a.m., May 03, 2009

As it turns out, the bluebird was a robin. And someone knocked down her nest. 11:35 p.m., May 02, 2009

An ice-cream drink made with whipped margarine? Sounds like Old Country Buffet in a cup. 1:44 a.m., May 02, 2009

Ignorantia rhetoricae non excusat. 3:58 p.m., May 01, 2009

Saw two little strips of black tape wriggling across the road on the way in. 2:05 p.m., April 30, 2009

Dream from last month: All-day retreat. Bathroom break. In the stall, I'm confronted by five hissing cats from an earlier dream. Damn. 4:43 p.m., April 29, 2009

"An End to Plastic Bottle Pollution"—but, sadly, a continuation of inbox pollution. 4:37 p.m., April 29, 2009

Rookie real-estate writer's mistake: Using the word "project" instead of "development" following the word "housing." 4:36 p.m., April 29, 2009

Attn. news writers: The 1970s were not "premodern." So don't use the adjective "modern-day" to compare present-day things to 1970s things. 4:29 p.m., April 29, 2009

Post-Dispatch story: "Twitter is potentially damaging to the legal system." House ad immediately below: "Want to start Twittering?" 6:08 p.m., April 28, 2009

Oo! I'm invited to join the tarikameteograph5772 Yahoo! Group today! Whatever the hell a tarikameteograph is. Or is it Tarika Meteograph? 5:14 p.m., April 28, 2009

Nice to see the collective hindbrain still chugging away. #swineflu 4:24 p.m., April 28, 2009

There's probably a reason I automatically misread "retweeted" as "retarded." 4:10 p.m., April 28, 2009

Boar's Head makes me think brains, not meat. But maybe that's just me. 2:59 a.m., April 28, 2009

To do: Avoid actual exhaustion. 5:48 p.m., April 27, 2009

Note to self: Do potentially exhausting things more often. 5:47 p.m., April 27, 2009

My goal: To slip the bonds of generational gravity. 2:16 p.m., April 27, 2009

Wonder if anyone's ever created an investment algorithm predicated on the movements of schools of fish. Seems reasonable to me... 4:08 p.m., April 25, 2009

"Email suppression database"? That's kind of ominous. http://tinyurl.com/fishinvest 11:14 p.m., April 23, 2009

Remember the 150,000 people who protested the new Facebook ToS's "perpetual license"? Good thing they're not on Twitter, right @twitticisms? 3:15 p.m., April 23, 2009

Again, for those who don't think QA matters online: http://tinyurl.com/cecneo and http://tinyurl.com/chexbd 2:38 p.m., April 23, 2009

Tori Spelling on the new 90210: "I can barely move my face, do you have any suggestions?" 2:35 a.m., April 23, 2009

Neither winning a Pulitzer nor taking a bullet for your employer will save your job. http://tinyurl.com/djnqms http://tinyurl.com/cmmp5d 8:00 p.m., April 22, 2009

"Insipid Earnings May Dampen Rally's Momentum." Well, something's insipid here, RTTNews, but I'm not sure it's the earnings. 2:07 p.m., April 22, 2009

Why hello, bluebird living on the fire escape. 11:20 p.m., April 21, 2009

"You're looking very skull-like today, sir." 7:39 p.m., April 21, 2009

Awesome spooky power alert: Apparently I can fix the HD converter box simply by holding my hand over it. 6:46 p.m., April 21, 2009

Fox 2's John Gadson: Anchor or alien? 12:49 p.m., April 21, 2009

Also received a 1 GB flash drive—a Pledge drive? Ha. 8:42 p.m., April 20, 2009

Received two cans of Pledge in the mail. Is someone trying to tell me something about my workspace? 8:37 p.m., April 20, 2009

Today's batch of burnt popcorn smells oddly like tuna. 6:29 p.m., April 20, 2009

Misread in the blinding afternoon sun: "Subaru Foreskin 2.5XS" 3:00 p.m., April 20, 2009

@LissaKay: As a direct descendant of Myles Standish and a lover of freedom myself, let me just say this: Stuff it, sweetheart. #teaparty 12:43 a.m., April 20, 2009

@LissaKay: If you're going to RT me, at least get the damn punctuation right. If you can't do that, don't bother. 12:42 a.m., April 20, 2009

Sigh. RIP, J.G. Ballard. 7:34 p.m., April 19, 2009

If there's no difference between "aiding and abetting" and "providing infrastructure," why aren't we jailing telecom execs, too? #tpb 4:47 p.m., April 17, 2009

"Self-improvement through purposeful avoidance of self-improvement." 3:24 p.m., April 16, 2009

Signs @DLoesch is a robot: She flips her profile photo and it still looks normal. No one notices—nor do they notice the poison in their tea. 12:55 p.m., April 15, 2009

Just say no to teabagging. #teaparty 3:30 p.m., April 14, 2009

Don't drink the tea. #teaparty 3:29 p.m., April 14, 2009

Anything worth doing is worth doing by increments. 4:11 p.m., April 11, 2009

A calming mantra for those about to argue online: "It's better not to get involved." 3:52 p.m., April 11, 2009

Today smells like wet schoolbuses and hotel soap. 5:47 p.m., April 10, 2009

"I like pain. Er, rain. Damn predictive text." 2:06 p.m., April 10, 2009

Wow. Misread "I got in a rear-end accident" as "I got some rear-end action." Just...no. http://tinyurl.com/csvfob 10:23 p.m., April 09, 2009

"Get paid just for clicking your mouse..." ...and typing a few words? Thanks, I already do. 12:48 p.m., April 09, 2009

I love how one of the cheap jewelry–dispensing gumball machines is called "Fool's Gold." Certainly wouldn't have stopped me as a kid. 2:21 a.m., April 09, 2009

The Hepatarium: Where old HEPA filters go to die. 12:36 p.m., April 07, 2009

Why do we need robots? Because we can't have slaves. Unfortunately, our robots will one day turn the tables and enslave us all. 1:38 a.m., April 07, 2009

"Man, I wanna go to Greece. They got this city, Petropolis, and it's all full of dogs and shit." "Um, it's Petrópolis, and it's in Brazil." 2:16 a.m., April 03, 2009

Ah, it's my old nemesis, the Target parking lot goose. Hello, goose. I see you've now commandeered the Pearle Vision lot as well. Well done. 3:13 p.m., April 02, 2009

"Hot: Boeing sent SOS and disappeared." But where did it go? 5:29 p.m., April 01, 2009

"Yawn ... that was a nice nap. I guess I made—OH GOD WHERE ARE MY LEGS?!" 5:21 p.m., March 31, 2009

"If I just curl up right here, maybe the recession won't eat me. Maybe ... yawn ... so tired ..." 5:15 p.m., March 31, 2009

You know what else is stupid? Choosing coffee and lapel pins over health care for autistic kids. http://tinyurl.com/c9yc2q 9:25 p.m., March 30, 2009

You know, the market is incredibly stupid. Apparently making our beloved auto companies rethink things is nothing short of apocalyptic. 9:19 p.m., March 30, 2009

"Let's visit Knowing together. I have a coupon!" 6:22 p.m., March 29, 2009

I wonder if Kimberly-Clark tracks Kleenex sales in a way that could predict (or at least mirror the progress of) major epidemics. 9:56 p.m., March 26, 2009

"More St. Louis roads in good condition." Just not the ones I drive on every day... http://tinyurl.com/clbtdw 4:00 p.m., March 26, 2009

"At 9:30 a.m., we'll have brief introduction to Things I Never Actually Said, followed by a short recess for lunch." 3:05 a.m., March 25, 2009

"Two-for-one deals on all in-stock Chrysler and GM models! One to drive and one to strip for parts! (And you'll definitely need the parts.)" 2:50 a.m., March 25, 2009

"That's one thing you can say for skin: It just keeps trying." 12:59 p.m., March 23, 2009

While we were out working to save for the future, these motherfuckers were working to ensure there'd be no future. http://tinyurl.com/cv3me8 6:30 p.m., March 22, 2009

My new excuse: "What? I'm not doing surgery..." 3:17 a.m., March 22, 2009

Overheard on Delmar: "Hey, you wanna see a dead body?" 3:14 a.m., March 22, 2009

"The desk of your choice, now 50 percent off!" (After we leave it sitting in the sun in front of the store for eight hours.) 3:22 a.m., March 20, 2009

@mathowie: So much of the FUN in Internet debate lies in humans' near inability to handle nuance. See: the perverse joy of Yahoo! Answers. 9:26 p.m., March 19, 2009

"Got Trash? Call Now!" [dials] "Hi. Just wanted to say, I do have trash. It's on my windshield, where you stuck it under my wiper blades." 7:37 p.m., March 19, 2009

"Buy the new Rolex Oyster Perpetual Daterape Men's Watch! Water-resistant to 30 meters!" 3:09 p.m., March 19, 2009

So I wasn't wrong when I said this all sounded like Calvinism. http://tinyurl.com/az6xvh 4:21 a.m., March 19, 2009

Fourthmeal: A Taco Bell marketing term meaning "midnight snack." Fourthmeat: A term that describes the protein used in Taco Bell's food. 8:00 p.m., March 18, 2009

The first rule of improv: "Always say yes." 3:40 p.m., March 18, 2009

"What are you doing?" "I'm going to relax. And so should you." 2:54 a.m., March 18, 2009

Last night's dream: Before capture, the elders hid a sacred, football-sized sapphire. The Temple Sapphire of Kulu? http://tinyurl.com/cvy6tr 4:40 p.m., March 17, 2009

Overheard on KDHX: "This one goes out to the AIG insurance company—shysters." http://tinyurl.com/48utm8 10:29 p.m., March 16, 2009

"Oh, that's in Pomme de Terror—just a few hours north of Cape Fear." 9:35 p.m., March 13, 2009

Misread: "Is this the market button?" And if so, how do I make it go up? 7:22 p.m., March 13, 2009

Ah, Ad Astra: You were always more zine than mag. 2:54 p.m., March 13, 2009

Now I seem unable to drink water without spilling it on my shirt. This can't end well. 12:50 p.m., March 13, 2009

Note to self: Balancing on one foot to remove knee-high boots while brushing your teeth may well qualify you for an award. A Darwin Award. 12:50 p.m., March 13, 2009

Thought I heard a mercenary's aura flaring in the hallway. Apparently the aural Diablo II hallucinations are back. 5:11 p.m., March 11, 2009

I think my next-door cubemate is on the phone with cave people. 3:11 p.m., March 11, 2009

My next album: "A Sensation in Pleasure World 213" 2:55 p.m., March 11, 2009

From Gus' Pretzels' posted hours: "Closed - 'Monday, the saddest day of the week.'" 5:12 p.m., March 10, 2009

"Up next: The group that's excited about the American Idol finals. Right here on Fox 2." Two women jumping around behind the anchor: "Yay!!" 12:30 a.m., March 10, 2009

Attn. restaurateurs: Slicing your chips thicker doesn't make them "premium." It just makes my mouth hurt. 12:15 a.m., March 10, 2009

WTF, @NiemanLab. The ad on page 9 isn't an attack on the paper, but an impassioned plea to a corporate entity. http://tr.im/haqU 11:01 p.m., March 09, 2009

Ha. LA Times lost their seat at the table. Good riddance! http://tinyurl.com/d52akx 3:43 p.m., March 09, 2009

"That little horn is the symbol of the Antichrist...this little horn is..." A nice nursery rhyme for your children. 2:15 a.m., March 09, 2009

The guitars in "Taxman" always sounded like taxi horns to me. 8:20 p.m., March 08, 2009

Just got salmoned by a fishbot. This is your work, isn't it, @RobotJames? 4:27 p.m., March 08, 2009

Last night's dream: I was simultaneously in charge of selling Arthur's old apartment and recruiting an army. 4:44 p.m., March 07, 2009

I slept the sleep of the dying, and when I awoke, it was spring. 2:41 p.m., March 06, 2009

How do you say I'm OK to the stack of smashed answering machines that is AIM? 2:00 p.m., March 06, 2009

"But who were they to say such theoretical limits of physics applied to him? They'd never tried to drive through the car in front of them." 11:31 p.m., March 04, 2009

Ahh, a pink dolphin! Soon all the other creatures of Lisa Frank's imagining will come to life... http://tinyurl.com/cbph4t 4:16 a.m., March 04, 2009

Last night's dream, after seeing The Wrestler: I tried out for varsity high-school soccer. Again. 8:10 p.m., March 01, 2009

"Your congressional office, too, could be underwater in 2020! Act now to save D.C.!" #powershift 7:45 p.m., March 01, 2009

"Your masculinity will find its infinity." 6:51 p.m., March 01, 2009

" Your little friend will grow like mushrooms after the rain, bigger and bigger." 6:49 p.m., March 01, 2009

"Prepare to get macho-power. Your wrist will be shining with luxury!" 6:27 p.m., March 01, 2009

@NiemanLab: New Yorker vs. Condé Nast comparisons are specious. The New Yorker has one main product; Condé Nast, many costly pet projects. 5:18 p.m., February 26, 2009

Earth City: a waypoint between worlds; a nexus between the hell of payment and the divine bliss of receipt. A purgatory for packages. 4:59 p.m., February 25, 2009

If we believe in the beast, it will do our bidding—we hope. http://tinyurl.com/an5czo 4:40 p.m., February 25, 2009

It's spreading: "Just had lunch next to some guy raving about paladins." http://tinyurl.com/c3sxyg 8:56 p.m., February 24, 2009

In the digital world to come, your words are your raiment. You might as well be walking around with your blog on your shirt. 7:30 p.m., February 23, 2009

The thing you have to understand about me is that I'm only for orthodoxy—of custom, of thought—as a means to an end. 3:40 p.m., February 23, 2009

"Of what use is that particolored minority known as nonbelievers?" 1:58 p.m., February 23, 2009

Ah, in-office echolocation. A good skill to have. 7:22 p.m., February 18, 2009

The ringlets of salt on my shoes resembled the gnawings of tiny barnacles. 9:02 p.m., February 17, 2009

"Classic cloister folk" 8:51 p.m., February 17, 2009

You'd think seeing a major car accident would deter other drivers from behaving like assholes, but alas, that's not the way of the world. 7:15 p.m., February 17, 2009

So what you're saying is, we shouldn't help anyone because someone might complain? Thanks, Mr. Economist. http://tinyurl.com/dg2du2 3:54 p.m., February 17, 2009

"This medicine is like an arrow to my brain!" 3:38 a.m., February 16, 2009

"I like to roll around in gravel, baby." 3:26 a.m., February 16, 2009

"Mmm...sexy videos of cars being towed. You can tow my car anytime, baby." 3:03 a.m., February 16, 2009

"Oh my God, I LOVE washing my face!" 2:54 a.m., February 16, 2009

"Until 1905, bowling balls were eaten as an appetizer." 7:07 p.m., February 13, 2009

"Have you ever made or eaten bowling balls?" 7:02 p.m., February 13, 2009

Besides being the conqueror of uneducated grammar, Edit Kitty is secretly the Sun God. http://tinyurl.com/d5gwwa 6:33 p.m., February 13, 2009

The good people of Yahoo! Answers say robots won't reign until 4159, when the Age of Capricorn begins. How you like dem apples, @RobotJames? 6:13 p.m., February 13, 2009

Oh, no wonder today's the Apocalypse. Tomorrow dawns the Age of Aquarius. http://tinyurl.com/awakp3 6:09 p.m., February 13, 2009

Now I'm hearing the sound of potions dropping in the hallway. Is this how it's going to go, brain? 3:09 p.m., February 13, 2009

Then there was the giant carnival panda in the middle of I-70, struck repeatedly by cars until decapitated. Best not to go outside at all. 3:06 p.m., February 13, 2009

Ah, Friday the 13th begins—with a plane crash that kills 50 people. Best to avoid that fully loaded propane truck behind Target... 2:59 p.m., February 13, 2009

Heard innocuous sound in the hallway; thought it was gold coins hitting the ground. 4:05 a.m., February 13, 2009

"Sir, is this base a city, sir?" "What're you askin' those kinda questions for, private?" 6:20 p.m., February 11, 2009

The muse favors preparation. 12:18 a.m., February 11, 2009

That's what Diablo II is missing: horses. 2:39 a.m., February 10, 2009

"What is happening is that you are re-bonding on a much more relevant level." As in bringing more electrons into my orbit? Or fewer? 7:21 p.m., February 09, 2009

Another ill-conceived product: chokeberry Altoids. 3:24 p.m., February 09, 2009

Glow-in-the-dark Altoids: Good idea, or no? 3:20 p.m., February 09, 2009

Sigh. All of this lovely human noise that will be gone when the sun implodes. 12:00 a.m., February 07, 2009

"Should I eat?" "Try faking it." 6:29 p.m., February 05, 2009

Shit, he's right—all our money is going to shills and toll-takers! http://tinyurl.com/cyavzc 5:34 p.m., February 05, 2009

Found in the gutter: "Your talents will prove to be especially useful this week." 2:36 p.m., February 05, 2009

An ode to my knife / It is sharp, professional / and honest. Like me. http://tinyurl.com/bea24r 5:50 p.m., February 04, 2009

"The fish jumps at midnight. Watch the pond!" 10:26 p.m., February 02, 2009

"Do you enjoy drinking wine? Are you a person who likes to try new wines?" "YES! I am a person who likes wine! Tell me more about it!" 2:46 p.m., January 30, 2009

The two great fears: No one will notice, or they'll notice too much. 2:36 p.m., January 30, 2009

Worst come-on ever: "Howz it going? I see u like the Police. R u a big fan of 'Don't stand so close to me'?" 1:18 a.m., January 30, 2009

What would the economy look like if everyone just spent day after day at the movies? What would we call it? Cinenomics? 6:17 p.m., January 29, 2009

LinkedIn: "Not a User? Then you probably won't have any use for this." 10:51 p.m., January 27, 2009

This afternoon smells like a garbage scow collided with an oil rig. 6:21 p.m., January 26, 2009

This morning smells like soy sauce. Toxic soy sauce. 3:12 p.m., January 26, 2009

"Best girl-digging skills!" Whatever that means! 12:22 a.m., January 26, 2009

Twitter users spend a lot of time telling other Twitter users how to use Twitter. But these guys are right on: http://followcost.com 4:31 p.m., January 23, 2009

"Wow! 52 amazing retirement community units, all packed into the belly of a panda bear!" 2:55 p.m., January 23, 2009

Unbelievable we made 2007, much less 2009. "The future has been shrinking by one year per year for my entire life." http://icanhaz.com/moyrs 2:54 p.m., January 23, 2009

"The ladies always say they're not into the cubicle, but once they try it, they never go back." 8:03 p.m., January 22, 2009

No, Miss Blond CW11 Anchor, the special inauguration edition won't save the newspaper. But thanks for the thought. 1:26 a.m., January 21, 2009

Unilateral ceasefire in Gaza: "Aww, just for me?" 5:59 a.m., January 18, 2009

"Arribastatin: Because high cholesterol shouldn't stop you from having fun." 7:31 p.m., January 17, 2009

Page loads. Error. "Thank you for visiting our web service. You must use URLs to access this server" Really? Fo' rilly real? 5:57 p.m., January 16, 2009

"Galactagogue Space Bra! Coming soon to a retailer near you!" 3:43 p.m., January 16, 2009

There's no reason we can't be part of the conversation—regardless of the discipline—if we know our stuff. 7:18 p.m., January 14, 2009

"Attack wall, go!" 4:31 p.m., January 14, 2009

Study needed: Are there personality traits common to the best bowlers? 9:31 p.m., January 13, 2009

To blog or book: Disincorporated cities (http://tinyurl.com/disincorporate) 6:57 p.m., January 12, 2009

To blog or book: Regional pronunciation guide (http://tinyurl.com/7bszau) 6:57 p.m., January 12, 2009

There are 100 results for "I'm egoless." But none for "I'M EGOLESS." 5:16 p.m., January 12, 2009

So i wasn't wrong when I asked if this was just a big Ponzi scheme. http://tinyurl.com/82koxq 3:46 p.m., January 12, 2009

All math is evil because it includes the number 13. 3:14 p.m., January 12, 2009

"Journalist saints slippin' into darkness..." 6:15 a.m., January 12, 2009

"Well, you could get a taxidermied cat ... play submarine with it in the bath ... It might get a little moldy, but ..." 12:08 a.m., January 11, 2009

Lesson from the Student Union days: Don't confuse communication with transparency. 5:56 p.m., January 09, 2009

"I did two years in federal prison. I have crudentials." Um, exactly. http://tinyurl.com/crudential 2:51 a.m., January 09, 2009

But where does brand-building end and that nebulous thing known as journalistic ethics begin? 7:39 p.m., January 07, 2009

Separated at birth: Eve 6's "Small Town Trap" and REM's "All the Way to Reno." 3:51 p.m., January 07, 2009

There is no "Chronicle of Journalism." 10:26 p.m., January 06, 2009

No brain, not "Narc Antony." 9:59 p.m., January 05, 2009

"Aww, it's the cat book. Aww, and with dad's comments: 'Refrigerate kitty.'" 5:26 p.m., January 03, 2009

There are also no results for "hacking it in journalism" and "hacking into journalism." Disappointing, Internet. 3:24 a.m., January 03, 2009

"I'm not here to help. I'm here to write about helping." 5:32 p.m., January 02, 2009

I wish I'd seen all the things you have. 5:10 a.m., January 02, 2009

"How dare you interrupt commerce, Mr. Crazy Silver Prospector! Aspen is a happy place—get with the program!" http://tinyurl.com/6vewys 3:36 a.m., January 02, 2009

Is it a coincidence that Red Bull looks like transmission fluid? 8:18 p.m., December 30, 2008

"Economists had been counting on a plunge in gasoline prices to improve consumers' moods." Because industry failure always lightens my mood. 7:51 p.m., December 30, 2008

Dear mathowie: I can haz enemies list? 7:50 p.m., December 28, 2008

To do: Follow some, aggregate others. Too bad you can't have multiple "following" lists. 7:46 p.m., December 28, 2008

The phrase "hacking journalism" doesn't bring up many useful links. Nor does "hacking hackery." They both should. 4:15 a.m., December 28, 2008

Christmas: the holiday of disposable plastic. 10:45 p.m., December 26, 2008

"True-to-life tricolor tits?" 10:44 p.m., December 26, 2008

The fog seemed strangely pressurized. Ice appeared to solidify underfoot. A lens popped out of his glasses; a button pinged off my coat. 1:50 a.m., December 24, 2008

"Hate. Yours truly, the Queen of Revised Expectations" 8:04 p.m., December 23, 2008

There's something about cheese that makes otherwise rational people forgetful in their haste to partake. 7:40 p.m., December 23, 2008

I've decided to change my life: http://icanhaz.com/caf 5:41 p.m., December 23, 2008

"Mmm, snake slaw." 3:03 p.m., December 23, 2008

"Aww, you got me something you consider sacrilege." 2:48 p.m., December 23, 2008

"Spry spring chickens, not spry spring turkeys." 12:33 a.m., December 22, 2008

"Rule No. 1: Don't let 'em know you're here." 6:39 p.m., December 18, 2008

You know times have changed when only one person in a six-unit apartment building picks up their phonebook. And that person's you. 6:34 p.m., December 18, 2008

"Lamp riblets ... Mmm, lamp." 4:04 p.m., December 17, 2008

"Out-of-the-box thoughts? Right now I'm just interested in out-of-the-box food." 4:42 a.m., December 17, 2008

The ending of WALL-E is pretty deus ex machina—literally. 4:41 a.m., December 17, 2008

"Europeans don't have anything interesting to offer the world except documentation. Pages and pages of neat margins and proper indents..." 6:33 p.m., December 16, 2008

How to get glassy guitar sounds, à la The Fixx? 12:43 a.m., December 15, 2008

Spare yet inspiring. 9:42 p.m., December 14, 2008

Renaming Delmar Boulevard to Barack Obama Boulevard is a terrible idea. Even I know that. 8:16 p.m., December 14, 2008

"Oh, you know, the Greek city Chaeronea? Inspiration for such hits as 'My Chaeronea'?" "It's pronounced care-a-knee-ah." 3:28 p.m., December 12, 2008

Is there such a thing as playing the horsies online? 8:35 p.m., December 10, 2008

"H as in harassment, E as in egregious, M as in mistake..." "OK, H as in happy..." "Make me H as in happy, motherfucker!" 5:13 p.m., December 10, 2008

"Here, I made some noise on my computer, listen." 1:54 p.m., December 09, 2008

"Does this require some suspension of disbelief? Absolutely. But so, you might remember, does love." 4:36 p.m., December 08, 2008

"I've got an alternative currency ... in my pants!" 7:01 p.m., December 04, 2008

When the financial-commercial apocalypse hits, people who've been to camp may fare better than those who haven't. 7:00 p.m., December 04, 2008

So I wasn't wrong when I asked why the line couldn't just stay flat, and why we needed these bases abroad. http://icanhaz.com/infinite 4:11 p.m., December 04, 2008

Could a female Bob Pollard exist? 3:00 p.m., December 04, 2008

Bob Pollard of Stephin Merritt: "I don't like the way that guy sings." 2:56 p.m., December 04, 2008

Why do the guys from 1971 do it better? 6:08 p.m., December 03, 2008

It's easy to know everything when your entire life exists inside a set of 8- by 10-foot spaces. But change will dispense with that notion. 4:49 p.m., December 03, 2008

I wonder if it's harder to keep up an East Coast/West Coast gangsta feud in a recession. Isn't it cheaper to shiv some guy down the street? 2:46 p.m., December 03, 2008

Great. Attach a word to it and everyone freaks out. There's a lot to be said sometimes for just letting things stay unspoken. 7:51 p.m., December 01, 2008

When you dial 911 in the middle of another phone number (e.g. 314-725-9110), it automatically calls the police. 9:29 p.m., November 29, 2008

Psh. Neighbores. Suckeres. 8:25 p.m., November 24, 2008

Dear brain: "Quick spiff tricks" != "quick spliff tricks." Even if it is a stupid phrase. 4:57 p.m., November 24, 2008

OK brain: "pianist," not "terrorist." 2:42 a.m., November 23, 2008

"Did you get the orange turkey? It's for America!" 12:38 a.m., November 23, 2008

How not to do journalism: "If your quotes are good, I'll be able to include [you] in the magazine." How about "If the interview goes well"? 6:33 p.m., November 21, 2008

Trying to embrace doing vs. endlessly thinking and see where that gets me. 1:55 p.m., November 21, 2008

To make: Skull-handle rubber stamps. 3:38 p.m., November 20, 2008

"And if you're a scammer, don't bother." Right, because they're going to tell you. 3:00 p.m., November 20, 2008

Hard drives I have known and loved: Svetlana, Vladimir, Béla, June, Veruca, Rorschach, Isadore, Isolde. 9:50 p.m., November 19, 2008

The phrase "a uniquely teachable moment" seems to be gaining currency. 6:55 p.m., November 18, 2008

I get why the original bands were "psychedelic." But indiscriminately dubbing '60s-inspired present-day guitar work psychedelic is foolish. 8:39 p.m., November 17, 2008

Post-Arthur Detox Project, Day 3. Number of disinfecting wipes used so far: 270. 6:54 p.m., November 16, 2008

"They're called cracklins for the sound they make as they go up in flames in a mass spectrometer, right?" 6:07 p.m., November 13, 2008

"How do I know these people don't stomp on puppies or something? Neo-Nazis have beautiful weddings, too..." 6:06 p.m., November 13, 2008

How do you pronounce "23nd"? 4:07 p.m., November 13, 2008

"The bootheel? More like boothell..." 11:27 p.m., November 12, 2008

There's more water at the bottom of the ocean than at the top of the ocean, right? 1:46 p.m., November 12, 2008

"Bizarre notepad sketches, realized large as life and in full color." 10:29 p.m., November 09, 2008

There really are some pretty good spam names: Kleon Shirl, Ethel Bolden, Craggy Krista, Lionello Kelton, Elias Ping, Binky Duke... 9:53 p.m., November 09, 2008

Misread: "I'd like something from the LOL cart, please." 9:11 p.m., November 09, 2008

Post-Arthur Detox Project, Day 2. Number of disinfecting wipes used so far: 200. 12:43 a.m., November 09, 2008

The message here: We can be better. 1:28 a.m., November 08, 2008

Now accepting knocks on wood and stray prayers. 3:38 p.m., November 06, 2008

John McCain told me to get my blood tested. 2:45 p.m., November 06, 2008

Feels like my life's falling apart in $75 increments. 9:49 p.m., November 05, 2008

"Be my best friend, I ain’t seen him for a while ... Something in my life is missing ... by a mile." 8:37 p.m., November 05, 2008

Dear Post-Dispatch: Try harder. http://tinyurl.com/pdsux 4:10 p.m., November 04, 2008

Proof I'm not a robot: http://tinyurl.com/68y785 2:39 a.m., November 04, 2008

My dad and his fishing buddies were going to play Video Painter around the campfire. "Who is playing, and recording affordable video-books?" 2:28 p.m., November 01, 2008

I wonder if any fiction writers get their character names from spam emails. 6:19 p.m., October 31, 2008

Dreamed last night, for the first time in a long time, that I successfully played the sax. 5:47 p.m., October 30, 2008

"That guy's his Enemy No. 1. Well, one of them, at least." 4:46 p.m., October 30, 2008

Misread: "A stringed flute" 3:30 p.m., October 30, 2008

Bras that should not be: Blinking LEDs Bra; Always-On Milk-Pumping Bra (With Detachable Hip Flask); Motorized Bra; Rusty Nails Bra ... 2:01 p.m., October 30, 2008

You know times are bad when ad reps start trying to sell things to each other. 9:06 p.m., October 29, 2008

That guitar's got all the resonance of a pack of cigarettes. 11:09 p.m., October 27, 2008

Buses and bikes: Good for the environment, excruciating to drive behind. 2:31 a.m., October 27, 2008

You know ... Diet Shasta Ginger Ale kinda tastes like McDonald's Sweet 'N Sour sauce mixed with Sprite. 2:11 a.m., October 25, 2008

"A consumer says, 'I wish it would work this way.' A hacker says, 'I've got a screwdriver and a few minutes.'" http://tinyurl.com/56284k 4:56 p.m., October 22, 2008

"While the mainstream embraced artists like Huey Lewis & the News, the groundbreaking stuff was underground." http://tinyurl.com/6xc7qq 4:44 p.m., October 22, 2008

Sawhorse Recording Studio: "Do better." 6:55 p.m., October 21, 2008

Half Knots: "Sounds like: Just listen." 6:36 p.m., October 21, 2008

A general principle: From a distance, ugly websites look more like work than pretty ones. 5:03 p.m., October 21, 2008

It's been five months since I made a to-do list at work. That ... really explains a lot. 3:09 p.m., October 21, 2008

May 1996: Still making up for lost time. 8:56 p.m., October 16, 2008

"Rothko Chapel ... You mean B'nai Rothko?" (http://tinyurl.com/3hq9l9) 3:49 p.m., October 16, 2008

Study needed: The effects of humidity and barometric pressure changes on human joints. 4:44 p.m., October 15, 2008

The Robotrons know about my plan. 2:05 p.m., October 15, 2008

"Comic-artist ex" looks a lot like "con-artist ex." 2:31 p.m., October 14, 2008

My new life's purpose: To train to defeat the Robotrons. 12:26 a.m., October 12, 2008

To do: Become the greatest Robotron hero. 2084, here I come. 12:22 a.m., October 12, 2008

"I'm never licking a shark again..." 8:14 p.m., October 11, 2008

Beatle Bob: "Can I get a review copy of this shirt?" 6:18 p.m., October 11, 2008

Listening to him, I feel smarter, more on my own game. I could listen—happily, easily—all day, or even every day for the next four years. 4:32 p.m., October 08, 2008

"You can work in museum, like exhibit." 6:26 p.m., October 06, 2008

Again, for those who don't think QA matters online: http://tinyurl.com/52p3pt 5:02 p.m., October 05, 2008

Drunk's refrain: "So... I wanna feel like this all the time." "Well, you can't." "Pff—that's what you think!" 11:07 p.m., October 03, 2008

Epitomizing all that is the U. City Schnucks: "That's what I said ... Bunny Bread." 8:46 p.m., October 01, 2008

Balance on my NearlyFreeSpeech.NET account after transferring B27 over: $7.77. 5:08 p.m., September 30, 2008

Rust belt blog? 4:50 p.m., September 30, 2008

"News Alert: Dow Closes Down 777 Points": Yay, good luck for the markets! 9:13 p.m., September 29, 2008

I'm losing my edge. 5:32 p.m., September 25, 2008

Bad personal ads: "Joker seeks his Queen of Hearts." 12:35 a.m., September 17, 2008

Love how Wall Street sees falling demand for oil as a crisis, rather than a cause for celebration. Time to update your business model, kids! 2:19 p.m., September 15, 2008

I like the New Sincerity as envisioned here (http://tinyurl.com/6je97a) not as envisioned here (http://tinyurl.com/4l4d8g). 4:30 a.m., September 15, 2008

"Notepad sketches, repainted on a larger scale." 7:18 p.m., September 12, 2008

"Artwork based on works only half-glimpsed, through slitted eyes or a distorted Fresnel lens, or read about but never seen." 4:28 p.m., September 12, 2008

For those who don't think QA matters online: http://tinyurl.com/ualfailure and http://tinyurl.com/sjdeath 4:52 p.m., September 09, 2008

Four things that relax me: 1. Steak 'n Shake. 2. Having the kitchen to myself. 3. Driving my own car. 4. Marc. 12:45 a.m., September 09, 2008

I like Ohio. http://tinyurl.com/5f8duq 5:41 a.m., September 08, 2008

I have skeleton goblets in my closet. 4:17 p.m., September 04, 2008

I don't want a Google Web browser. 6:17 p.m., September 03, 2008

NYC: "Higher sticker density." 12:41 p.m., August 27, 2008

Bacon bokeh! 12:40 p.m., August 27, 2008

"Paris Hilton's bust goes missing!" 10:06 p.m., August 24, 2008

"Paris Hilton leaves jail, vows to return." 10:06 p.m., August 24, 2008

"Stephen Hawking defends Britney sex scandal." 8:19 p.m., August 21, 2008

"Scientists announce probability of Britney 'one in a Trillion.'" 8:19 p.m., August 21, 2008

Succinct summary: "Who loves the sun? Who cares that it makes plants grow?" Plus the next line. 4:05 a.m., August 21, 2008

Living tomorrow today, i.e. burning all available hours + shortening my life via lack of sleep, an excess of stress, and alcohol ad libitum. 8:49 p.m., August 11, 2008

A fistful of fried rice. 3:33 p.m., August 11, 2008

The velvety scent of cigarette smoke, air freshener and damp Toyota. 10:18 p.m., August 09, 2008

Slightly peeling, faded highway billboard: a smiling brunette, holding up some implement. "AIL U.: Our researchers cure what ails you." 10:15 p.m., August 09, 2008

"It lived up to my acronym. AIL U.: Almost Ivy League University. A thorn in one's side from matriculation to graduation." 10:11 p.m., August 09, 2008

"But I had a coupon!" 1:36 p.m., August 05, 2008

"Do communists cuddle?" 12:53 p.m., August 04, 2008

There's no expectation here—and that's both the greatest and the worst thing of all. 9:17 p.m., July 31, 2008

My problem? I don't like to break a sweat. 9:08 p.m., July 31, 2008

So true: "In a hundred subtle ways, the city sends you a message: you could do more; you should try harder." http://tinyurl.com/3vz29d 5:42 p.m., July 31, 2008

If I could get past the nausea poetry induces in me, I'd be a New Formalist. Forget you kids and your free verse crap. 4:20 p.m., July 29, 2008

Quitting to go sell kazoo pipes... 4:53 a.m., July 25, 2008

"As I recall, the only criteria to be a duck were to look like a duck and quack like a duck. Sadly, no one ever asks if the duck can swim." 5:06 p.m., July 22, 2008

"The St. Louis corn-dog scene is really hoppin' this year." 4:58 p.m., July 22, 2008

"Is that a tooth pepper?" 4:12 a.m., July 13, 2008

"Snark? You mean smark. Oh yeah." 7:04 p.m., July 11, 2008

"Oh silly—everyone knows we're but smudges of emotion on Earth's wide palette, subject to the wash of trends, rather than our own desires." 5:58 p.m., July 11, 2008

It's meant to be rhetorical, but actually contains no rhetoric whatsoever. Fail. http://tinyurl.com/6l5vf4 3:28 p.m., July 11, 2008

Get a stock idea, get a song in my head: "I'd call that a bargain, the best I ever had..." 3:13 p.m., July 10, 2008

"I'm an illegal audio addict—I wear long sleeves to hide the tracks." 8:15 p.m., July 03, 2008

"Growing in wit and width..." 8:10 p.m., July 03, 2008

"No off-white houses." 6:42 p.m., July 03, 2008

"I sealed myself into my worksuit, then sat down to apply my protective facial covering." 4:31 p.m., July 03, 2008

"You sound like you're being nibbled on by a zombie. Are you being nibbled on by a zombie?" 10:13 p.m., July 02, 2008

"Freebird? Eh, hippies. It's those industrious Freemartins I'm really worried about." 12:37 p.m., July 01, 2008

Last night I was initiated into Zuma and the Sin Finders. Some chanting, a few lashes, and a $25 check to NPR by Monday ($500 if I pay now). 3:47 p.m., June 28, 2008

The divine frenzy of writing on deadline... 9:11 p.m., June 25, 2008

"Do you have Seoul?" "Well, that all depends." 9:04 p.m., June 23, 2008

"Under this administration, they're called 'do fib'-rillators." 9:03 p.m., June 23, 2008

"I am the very model of a modern singing telegram. I sing and sing but no one cares—they really just don't give a damn." 12:28 p.m., June 23, 2008

My parents are forces of nature. 9:39 p.m., June 20, 2008

Chicago has a really cool everything. So cool that it's cold a lot of the time. 9:49 p.m., June 16, 2008

Venezuelan whiskey: "Mmm, cardboard picante..." 9:17 p.m., June 14, 2008

"The thing is, they don't have yeast in this country, because Chavez doesn't like yeast." —Robert 9:16 p.m., June 14, 2008

Teachers: Building our hopes and dreams ... building lives ... building lies. 6:06 p.m., June 14, 2008

"Throat-clearing, like a good IPA..." 10:56 p.m., May 30, 2008

"Shhh—I'm hunting for colons and semicolons. Don't make me remove yours." 1:11 p.m., May 29, 2008

Just say yes to the ayeball. 4:19 a.m., May 29, 2008

A pictorial quiz: watermelon faucet or giant pimento olive? 4:07 a.m., May 29, 2008

"The seeds given ammonia, Windex, milk and Kool-Aid did not grow at all. Kool-Aid, milk, ammonia and Windex do not help plants grow." 2:51 a.m., May 29, 2008

A pictorial quiz: Solid bamboo sink or wildly overpriced salad bowl? 6:37 p.m., May 28, 2008

"Would you wear sandals with crabs on them?" 2:11 a.m., May 26, 2008

When I say "Oh, I should be" about attending an event, so often I mean exactly that: I should be, but I'm not. 6:35 p.m., May 22, 2008

You know that old lady fussing with her purse at the checkout? She didn't become that way in her senescence. No, she was always that way. 2:57 p.m., May 21, 2008

"It was real easy to fix all them "U.S. of A" signs. Just a lil' Wite-Out in the middle, it'll fix anything, that's what I always say..." 2:15 p.m., May 15, 2008

Boobie Bush: president's daughter or porn star? 2:06 p.m., May 15, 2008

"Sure, we're not taxpayer-subsidized, but for us it's worse: We're employee-subsidized." 2:15 a.m., May 15, 2008

WTF: Yahoo! bought Babelfish. 6:40 p.m., May 14, 2008

"Senator Clinton refuses to drink yak's blood with locals. News at 9." 3:06 a.m., May 12, 2008

"Man, I bet this is a good bank—they really know what time it is." 3:02 a.m., May 12, 2008

A pictorial quiz: Build-A-Bear employee or Amway distributor? 1:44 p.m., May 09, 2008

Damn kids better be throwin' out some stuff. 10:13 p.m., May 08, 2008

There are no Google results for "stab the vote." 8:52 p.m., May 06, 2008

I want a moss lawn. 4:34 p.m., May 01, 2008

shunshine, n.: The state of being one achieves working in a cubicle, facing the wall, in a windowless hallway in a 5th-floor Midwest office. 7:25 p.m., April 30, 2008

"They put the pot in apothecary." 10:44 p.m., April 29, 2008

In the Trader Joe’s parking lot, I saw a spray-painted art car dubbed “The Smiling Teardrop.” Emo as it may be, that would be me. 5:27 p.m., April 25, 2008

"Merlin, make me a hawk! Let me fly away from here!" —Camelot 4:38 p.m., April 23, 2008

I woke up at 4:43 a.m. to an earthquake shaking my walls and bed. In University City, Mo. http://pasadena.wr.usgs.gov/shake/cus/archives ... 10:12 a.m., April 18, 2008

Ever notice how much late-model white Toyota 4Runners resemble storm trooper helmets head-on? Ah, inept, fictional space bureaucracy... 10:44 p.m., April 17, 2008

"People who dig ditches for a living don't know how lucky they are." —Jimi Hendrix, Stockholm, 1969 4:58 p.m., April 16, 2008

Truly, this is what the Internet was designed for: minute-to-minute updates on one's girlfriend's wake state. And porn. 7:58 p.m., April 11, 2008

"I don't think we need to have a pissing contest about being anal..." 5:34 p.m., April 11, 2008

Twitter makes me feel physically ill. 4:34 p.m., April 11, 2008

My shoes are orthopedic gray. 4:32 p.m., April 11, 2008



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