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From this unknown scholar...I wish to remain unknown because what I have to say may seem rather negative to some. I'm sorry if you can't accept the way I feel about what happened this weekend... I did not have the best time at the Alumni Dance. For me, it was as though I were a Muslim (not to offend, I'm NOT trying to offend anyone, it's just a metaphor!) and I went to Mecca for the Hajj and someone had stolen the stone from the Kaaba. It just wasn't the same at all for me...well, I know it wasn't supposed to be the SAME, but it wasn't even like fine wine, better when it's older—it was different, and not in a good way to me. I felt obsolete. I felt like the guy who died in the movie Ghost (my memory of that movie is sketchy, but the concept remains)—my '01 Scholar friends were like the one guy who gets them together in the street that one last time, I could reach out, but all I could feel was a vague tingling... Surprisingly, I got a better vibe from the '01 Scholars than from the older ones...but it was like trying to hold my hand over an incandescent light bulb—there's light and warmth, but it's not for me, it just looks like I could get something from it, if any of that makes sense... Things aren't as they should be, all life now seems obscured by the mist—unfortunately, I took MSA as a religion, the Kaaba metaphor was more accurate than you could imagine... I don't know, though, it's just lonely, none of my RAs OR teachers from MSA were there, and there were quite a few people missing, in fact those who were most important to me were not there, neither my roommate nor the guy who I was with... one of our mutual friends/one of his suitemates was there, and we reminisced, but as the night went on I just got this horrible sinking feeling, the realization that it was really and truly over, we're no longer in the limelight as a group, and they're probably never coming back, at least not in the same form...I have a quote from Robert Penn Warren's novel All The King's Men that describes it completely, actually a LOT of quotes from that book that completely describe how it's like I've spent the summer's capital, and I can never earn the money back, I spent too much in wanting and yearning...and all for WHAT??! To add to the grief in the world? No, because I thought it would make a find out that it didn't make that difference to some changed the way I see's not what it was once like for me, I romanticized it because I like to see the world that way, and MSA completely reflected my conception of how life should be...I wish it didn't have to be a place I can only visit in my mind and pictures...I'm sorry for those who had a great time, I realize that you don't want to hear anything that dims your views of what it was to you...but what I think doesn't necessarily reflect on you, in fact that too was a big part of MSA that people usually give up first, that acceptance... I don't care if it threatens some people's PC view of reality, I can't let this go by without saying what I thought...I say it to myself often enough, maybe it's time the rest of the community knows that not everyone is a happy-go-lucky pool some people, it's an end in itself, at least at the present, and I'm not making sense any longer, I am just overwhelmed by this need to make this UNDERSTOOD!!! If someone could understand this...I can't coerce you to believe that someone really feels the way they say, that I really am that unhappy about the way things turned out, but I can tell you, I can show you part of myself and hope you see...haven't you guys read the stuff on the MSA_Alumni Yahoo! Group? Jason Fletcher has pinpointed many of the things that, to be frank, I just really didn't see much of. I saw spontaneity, but it wasn't of a good kind. I saw irony, but it was all cynicism...the ray of sunshine in that dreary day came from the '01 Scholars who waved us over and talked to us as though we were one of them, who respected us for having been there before...can't you see that "it's not the way that it has to be, don't trade our love for tea and sympathy, no..." That's a lyric from Jars of Clay that really applies, don't you realize that if you keep on this path, you'll be no better than anyone else? What is the title "Scholar" for?! (this last bit is in response to some actions/attitude taken by some people at the Reunion that I don't think were in keeping with the true spirit of MSA..yeah, I know, whatever THAT is, but still...) It just didn't seem right to me...I spent a year dreaming about that day, I wanted it as much as anyone, maybe I'm like Gatsby, there's where the mist comes in... but what of it? "Dude, are you being sarcastic?" "I don't even know anymore." —Smashing Pumpkins at Hullabalooza What else is there to say? Those of you who actually check this AND get it will pick up on my vibe...those others of you in the audience may not, but what happened to the ACCEPTANCE?? I want to be an Orthodox Scholar, if only it would bring back what I thought we had...

12:00 pm, June 25, 2001 :: erstwhile

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