2014 :: 2013
2012 :: 2011 :: 2010 :: 2009
2008 :: 2007 :: 2006 :: 2005
2004 :: 2003 :: 2002 :: 2001



Heh. Ronnie asked me if I was planning to go back to the MSA reunion again this summer. I had to tell him no.

Last summer, you see, I swore I wasn't going back for at least another five years. So I'm almost certainly not going to go this year.

And I find myself wanting to add caveats to that like "Well, if enough people I know go, I might" or "If I can get a ride, I might." If you notice, I can't even say it straight: "I'm not going to go this year." I have to add on modifiers and subtext. It's hard to let this ritual fall aside.

But I need to stop going for a while, 'cause so few people I know still come that it's ultimately getting too painful and embarrassing for me to go back right now.

Why painful? Well, I think it could be a grand adventure again if I had a few good friends to go with—but it seems so unlikely that that's going to happen. It's painful waiting for old friends to show up. And it feels embarrassing just imagining sitting there on the hill, watching these kids who are six years younger than me dance and revel. I don't get anything out of it anymore besides suspicious and [what feel like] pitying looks from the RAs.

Why keep putting myself in a situation I know will make me doubt myself?

It was okay last year, 'cause I met my younger brother's friends and felt like I had at least a tenuous place. But this year? I'd rather sit back that evening and dim my memories with drinks, rather than with new disappointment.

I continue pressing the MSA lever for far too little reinforcement, y'know? It was great once, but it just doesn't bring the crack anymore. ;)

- - -

"Started lookin' out for myself today..."
—Armor For Sleep, "Stay On The Ground"

"I came down here to tell rains in heaven all day long."
—Armor For Sleep, "The Truth About Heaven"

1:09 pm, May 23, 2006 :: erstwhile

You should follow me on Twitter.