2014 :: 2013
2012 :: 2011 :: 2010 :: 2009
2008 :: 2007 :: 2006 :: 2005
2004 :: 2003 :: 2002 :: 2001



All of this is so much like the Brittany thing last year, the Jennifer thing in high school (you know, the thing that prompted me to kick a hole in a chair in the band room), and a half-dozen other conflicts I've all but created for myself in the past however-many years. I wonder if this is just more of the pattern I find myself in. What would've happened, I wonder, if I'd had a blog around this time last year when the Brittany battle was in full swing? What would I have said on here last year as my roommate started drinking more heavily? In some ways I think this blog and my newfound ability to post comments on several blogging services spurs me on, driving me to say more and more outrageous things—or at least to say things that I wouldn't necessarily say in public without this venue to say them in. It's not that the things I say on here aren't well-written or that they don't accurately reflect my thought process, but that not all of this stuff needs to be publicly available.

To some extent the blog is a good thing, as it allows me to keep my writing skills in shape and remain outspoken—but I also get myself into a lot of trouble this way, as we've all seen. It's troublesome to be known. It's troublesome to have people read your opinions and take them to mean things you hadn't dreamed they could mean. Perhaps it's better just to internalize a lot of the things I think, letting them out only in IM conversation and at rare moments in person. I started this blog last semester, and it obviously didn't help me escape my sorrows in any measurable way. I still fucked up a lot of things—yea, more things than usual—in those few months. There's no causal link here, though, and I doubt writing in the blog really did anything more than exacerbate my already-present tendencies toward extreme procrastination, at least as far as academics are concerned.

I suppose part of the problem is that I use this more as an "idea log" of sorts than as a journal—plain-Jane journals generally bore me, especially the ones that are written by me—so instead we get all the ideas and news that strike me as worth writing about. These ideas usually end up concerning ponies, people I dislike, and ideas and events I dislike or take issue with. Ponies are almost invariably a pretty safe bet, albeit one that gets me teased, but the latter items are what cause me trouble.

I could just keep these things to myself and my few trusted confidantes, but what fun would that be? Writing for the limited public has the advantage of letting people see the particularly worthy ideas I come up with, albeit with all the semiworthy ideas keeping them company. Perhaps it was better when I'd keep all but the very best ideas to myself, then write those good ideas as opinion articles and submit them to the newspaper. This year my opinion article output has become severely stunted, and that may well have to do with having this ready venue for all my outpourings. Then again, I also grow increasingly disillusioned with the newspaper and its staff, methods, and audience, so that doesn't really help, either.

My online reading diet has changed considerably since last year, too. Whereas at this point in 2003 I was immersed in the vagaries of the skinning/emulation community at Aqua-Soft and moderating/promoting the MSA Invision board, most of the sites I regularly check and contribute to now are either blogging- or MLP-related ones. I find myself continually missing these bits of myself that I've shed across the last couple of years. All this compromise and change takes its toll.

So what do I do? I'm going to keep the blog, but that doesn't stop me from lamenting what I've become. I used to be better than this, quicker and more tactful, more widely talented, more understanding. Sure, I've maintained a bit of continuity with who I was in high school, yea even surpassed myself in a few areas, but a lot of times I really think it's not enough. I feel like I'm in decline. When does the decline end? When do I get myself back? My guess is that I'll have to fight myself for it, even once I manage to escape the university.

- - -
"There's a game life plays...makes you think you're everything they ever said you were...[I'd] like to take some time t'clear away everything I've planned...Was it life I've betrayed for the shape that I'm in? It's so hard to's not easy to win...Did I drink too much? Could I disappear? ...and there's nothin' that's left but wasted years..."
—Cold, "Wasted Years"

1:12 am, February 14, 2004 :: the jablog years

You should follow me on Twitter.