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Saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind tonight and cried at the end of it, 'cause there was just so much back-and-forth with it, so much sad and sweet pent-up emotion involved. I wanted to laugh and cry all at once, and so I did. At the beginning of the movie, I frankly thought it was going to suck, and I worried, as it was disorienting and not what I'd expected...but it turned out far better than expected by the end.

It made me think about possibilities and probabilities and all the things that can be done right that need to stay right. "It's so fleeting" is a thought I keep coming back to—I worry about memory anyway, as that's something I'm deeply afraid of losing, and this movie may have touched a nerve with me because of that. Recently I've noticed that a whole lot of memories from the last 20 years of my life that I used to take for granted just aren't quite as clear anymore, and I worry that the same thing could happen to future memories. I fear Alzheimer's disease and such things as could take those memories from me...If we forgot each other somehow, would we find each other again? Are we ineffable—soulmates, even?—or are we simply a product of circumstance? Will we always remember what drew us together? It's like an R. Bach quote I'll paraphrase: "Why do I love you? Because you remember!"

The film also left me wondering whether people's fundamental tendencies really do keep them doing the same things over and over again and whether that's escapable or not, as it could go either way in that particular film. Fundamental tendencies, y'see, have been a big question mark with me since I got on my Calvinism kick last semester, so this was highly relevant to my slow train of thought on the subject. It also get me yearning to become unconscious to the workings of my life, as my very self-consciousness about all of this serendipity and the like makes it less full of wonder.

- - -

As far as rehearsal went earlier, I've learned something about my playing, I think: I play clarinet a hell of a lot better after playing alto for awhile, and it's gotten, as I may have mentioned before, to the point where, oddly enough, I play alto better than clarinet.

- - -

I love seeing movies in a theater, I've realized—while I'm not sure it's worth that much money, it's still a different experience than, say, sitting here in front of my computer watching 'em. Insofar as all the times I enter a movie theater are tied together with each other, it's rather exciting, or at least such experiences have the potential for excitement lingering about, which is enough to make 'em salient for me. I wonder if in some alternate lifetime, one in which I were exposed to more movies earlier on, I might've become a screenwriter or something...then I wonder if that lifetime might just be this one. While I rather suck at fiction writing—I'm too conscious of what I'm doing, in a lot of cases, to make it work—perhaps screenwriting or playwriting could be my thing.

A lot of things have been constellating for me—impulses, thought patterns, trains of thought, ideas, and actions that have been trickling together for weeks and months—in just this short span of a couple days, and I like it. I surely romanticize things...and that's fine with me.

I like adventures. I like continued existence. I like serendipity and kismet. Here's hoping things continue to work out according to plan, whichever plan that may be.

4:58 pm, April 03, 2004 :: the jablog years

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